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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS won't move school

422 replies

PardonBeeOne · 10/10/2021 23:21

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

OP posts:
DragonDoor · 10/10/2021 23:26

Could you drive him to a bus/ train?

HoneyDewMel · 10/10/2021 23:28

What public transport is there.

Some DC at my DC School who are local still have to travel 2 hours on buses to school each way every day.

HopeClearwater · 10/10/2021 23:28

Move him. Isn’t he tired? How can he see his mates? You need to apologise and say you didn’t realise, but even if you had you would still have moved.

TaraR2020 · 10/10/2021 23:36

it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me

Year 13 and this was his response? ?
Well, I'm sorry but it IS his problem, he's either legally an adult or just a few months shy.

His problematic attitude aside, I agree it is risky to move him in his final year. Talk to his head of year/personal tutor for academic advice/opinion. Also start sounding out local alternatives.

You say 3 of you are splitting the driving, I assume your ds can drive then? Is it an option for him to drive himself?

I'd also look at public transport routes so he can commute independently.

Polmuggle · 10/10/2021 23:37

@TaraR2020

it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me

Year 13 and this was his response? ?
Well, I'm sorry but it IS his problem, he's either legally an adult or just a few months shy.

His problematic attitude aside, I agree it is risky to move him in his final year. Talk to his head of year/personal tutor for academic advice/opinion. Also start sounding out local alternatives.

You say 3 of you are splitting the driving, I assume your ds can drive then? Is it an option for him to drive himself?

I'd also look at public transport routes so he can commute independently.

He's aged 13. Not year 13.
Milkbottlelegs · 10/10/2021 23:41

I’m not surprised he’s pissed off. Even if he does stay at the school, how’s he going to see any of his mates at the weekend and in the holidays? And it’s an incredibly difficult age to be starting a new school.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 10/10/2021 23:42

Is there a space at a suitable school?

Theunamedcat · 10/10/2021 23:44

Get him a bus pass

BeMoreQueer · 10/10/2021 23:47

You made a life changing decision that suited you and now you want to fuck it up for him because it’s too inconvenient to keep doing a journey you had been doing for your own work

Being settled in a friendship group is vital to healthy teen development

Moving him against his will may go well if he finds new friends quickly but he’s not a toddler who will forget this and being 13 may well fuck it up on purpose to get kicked out and go back

School isn’t just a convenient place they go away in the day, fitting in and feeling comfortable matters to your education and personal development

I really wouldn’t consider forcing this issue.

Consider other options, public transport, move house to get closer to school or public transport

He’s only going to be at school for a few more years and you can prioritise yourself after that

TaraR2020 · 10/10/2021 23:48

@Polmuggle Blush Well then I completely take my reply back!

I know it'll be really hard for him, but you don't have any choice but to move him, do you?

TeeBee · 10/10/2021 23:52

So you were going to do the journey if you were working, now it's too much? You promised, right? I guess it depends on how important keeping your promises to your child means.

negomi90 · 11/10/2021 00:00

13 so everyone has established fixed peer groups and moving would be a social nightmare?
13 so year 9 (or worse year 10) and has picked GCSEs and is in established sets and specific levels. The odds of being able to do those exact subjects in the right sets is minimal. Moving will also require catch up work as schools have been back a month (more by the time you actually move him) and different schools do different things in different orders.
I'm afraid moving him now will really screw him over.
The best options for him are for you to suck it up, or find public transport for him.
He can move for college 6th form when there's loads of movement anyway.

Whstdoyouthink · 11/10/2021 00:01

45 miles is not feasible. I would result to bribery and expect to part with cash for it.

TyrannosaurusRights · 11/10/2021 00:15

He’s 13. You move him and he deals with it.

trumpisagit · 11/10/2021 00:31

How long does the journey take?
Can you not wfh (as you originally promised your child) and then you won't have 2 return journeys.
What are your public transport options?
Why did you move?

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 11/10/2021 00:38

Moving him at this age, when he is happy at his school and you promised not to, seems very unfair.

It doesn’t matter if the promise you made was “foolish”; that’s kind of your issue to deal with. It’s still a rotten thing to do to him.

wingingit987 · 11/10/2021 00:40

My parents forced me to move schools at 13 I ended up being stressed right out it was a trigger of bulimia.

It was the worst year and a half of my life. I would never ti the same to my children. The effect to my mental health still affects me 15 years later.

You made the choice to move home you should of either done it a long time before usually when there in primary school or you wait until older.

HoppingPavlova · 11/10/2021 00:43

You were happy to drive him previously when you were working in the office there. Can you not solve it by going back to work in office rather than wfh? Has your office shut down?

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 11/10/2021 00:46

@TyrannosaurusRights

He’s 13. You move him and he deals with it.
That’s harsh and not realistic. If he was three or seven or something, yes, fine. At thirteen and having made it clear he’s happy where he is, he might well really struggle to “deal with it” for legitimate academic and social reasons outlined by pps.

How about the adults deal with the consequences of their decisions and try to minimise the impact on a teenager at a vulnerable age, to whom they made a clear promise?

Whstdoyouthink · 11/10/2021 00:47

Yeah I imagine the office is open but OP doesn’t want to go in now.

The issue is that unless the 45 miles is on a motorway it isn’t feasible. It probably never was feasible

Councilworker · 11/10/2021 00:49

For those saying public transport it's roughly going from Leeds to Manchester or London to Southend daily. As an adult that would be a shit commute just with the train element never mind the getting from home to station and from station to school.

At 13 he is old enough to be cross you made this promise because it would always have been hard to keep. You need to sit down and sensibly explain that due to a change in your work position and the amount of time it's taking and the costs it isn't feasible for you to keep driving him to school. Start an In Year application now for him in your new area and be prepared to appeal. It's very tough on him to make the change though.

FunGal · 11/10/2021 00:52

Perhaps I'm reading too far between the lines but is there a new relationship here?

Did you really have to move?

The reason I ask is it's a big factor in how your DS potentially copes with being moved. If you were renting and got notice to leave then, yes, you did what you had to do to keep a roof over your heads.

How/who are there 3 people involved in taking him to school?

Very difficult age to move schools. Is he involved in any sports or hobbies he could take up on your local area?

HoneyDewMel · 11/10/2021 04:29

If he goes to a new School he should settle in quite quickly and get to make new friends locally. The sooner the better.

Fortunately for him it's actually a good year to change schools because everyone will be split up into different GCSE classes soon and will be forced to sit with new people and make new friends anyway.

He should be fine.

3luckystars · 11/10/2021 04:34

Lousy. Poor kid. A deal is a deal.
I don’t know what the solution is, I’m sorry but it is not his fault.

AgentProvocateur · 11/10/2021 04:38

It’s would be really unfair to move him now. Does he have a friend he can stay with for a few nights a week to lessen the commute? You were happy to drive the distance when it was for your benefit, so you must have thought it was doable at one point.