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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS won't move school

422 replies

PardonBeeOne · 10/10/2021 23:21

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

OP posts:
Cattitudes · 11/10/2021 06:38

Presumably you could work from a shared workspace near your son’s school (or your office, if you are in the same job).

This is what I would do. You will recoup the cost through less petrol and wear and tear on the car. I would try to plan a move for sixth form. Try to get him to make a few friends locally. Are the schools in the new area as good as the existing one?

Lorw · 11/10/2021 06:39

So if you’re working from home I am guessing your start time is still the same? So are you having to leave even earlier to get back home for work start time? How does that work for picking him up? Seems extremely unworkable.

Can he not get a train/bus? Plenty of kids do these days, he may decide to move schools himself when he’s having the inconvenience of the journey 🤷🏻‍♀️

No idea what to do, I got moved 200 miles away during my GCSEs just before year 11 and still managed to make some good friends and pass my GCSEs with flying colours.

SaltySheepdog · 11/10/2021 06:41

Just apologise to him and explain again that due to covid you’re unexpectedly working at home and not driving in so he will need to move schools as you’re not commuting. Make weekly arrangements in advance for him to be with his friends and also have them over to yours. Move schools now in preparation for his GCSEs

GummyBearWhere · 11/10/2021 06:43

He moves, he’s 13 and he does what his parents tell him. Heaps of kids have to move schools, and heaps of them probably dont want to but the world does not revolve around the wishes of a teenager, it revolves around parents jobs, affordable housing, consequences of relationships breaking down, etc. he’s got to learn resilience and how to cope with change.

Goldbar · 11/10/2021 06:44

It isn't sustainable and you're going to have to move back or move him.

But why? Why did you do this? You had a child who was happy and settled in school, presume with a good group of friends. Now he's going to have to move and it's not a given that he will fit in socially at the new school. It's not the same for teens as for 5 year olds. You can't have playdates and invite new friends round to give them a helping hand.

What school options will there be for an in year transfer? He'll be bottom of the pile and I would have thought all the places at the 'good' schools would have been taken up. That's certainly the case round here. If you have to move him from a good school where he's happy to a poor school, that would be the last straw for me and I would be looking at other options for him to stay at his school.

bigbeautwoman · 11/10/2021 06:46

@Iggly

I think you’ve made a pretty poor move here. You moved and planned to keep him at his school. Now you’re wfh, you basically can’t be bothered to keep commuting for him (but you would if you were still working in an office)? What happens if you did end up back in the workplace even if part time?

He’s 13 and not responsible for this decision you’ve made. I feel incredibly sorry for him actually!

Me too, teenage years are difficult at the best of times without adding this into the mix. I hope he gets through this ok.
Thatsplentyjack · 11/10/2021 06:46

Well you promised him, so what you are saying is you lied to him to get him to do what you wanted. Not surprised he's annoyed. What was your reason for moving, bigger house?

bigbeautwoman · 11/10/2021 06:47

@PardonBeeOne

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity. I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area. Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

Did you have to move for financial reasons? Please don’t say it was for a new partner!
Mybalconyiscracking · 11/10/2021 06:48

@Thatsplentyjack

Well you promised him, so what you are saying is you lied to him to get him to do what you wanted. Not surprised he's annoyed. What was your reason for moving, bigger house?
This!
Beamur · 11/10/2021 06:49

It's unfortunate and if you move him, unless he immediately loves the new school etc, you're in for a rough few months.
I would move him though, it's an unsustainable distance and his social life outside of school will also be hammered - or you'll be spending every weekend driving around.
Yr9 is eminently moveable. Even if he has started GCSE'S he won't be far into the curriculum.
Yr 9 often sees a bit of a social shift with new social groupings so it might not be quite so tricky with friendship groups..
Take a deep breath,apologise hugely for not being able to keep your promise and explain why it's going to happen.

ItsAlwaysThere · 11/10/2021 06:50

We did similar but checked public transport links first so that's how my child gets to school. Yes it takes a fairly long time but when the school and friends are so loved, it's worth it.

Indoctro · 11/10/2021 06:50

You made a promise to him , you can't break it

You should of waited till he finished school to move home

Distribution at this age could have a huge detrimental affect on your child I wouldn't risk it

It's you that will need to suck it up im afraid as you created the situation

incognitodorrito · 11/10/2021 06:51

@Milkbottlelegs

I’m not surprised he’s pissed off. Even if he does stay at the school, how’s he going to see any of his mates at the weekend and in the holidays? And it’s an incredibly difficult age to be starting a new school.
Sorry op but I agree with above, I moved at aged 13 and then spent a number of years just not fitting into established friendship groups.
GoodnightGrandma · 11/10/2021 06:51

I agree that you need to keep on driving him.
You moved, it wasn’t his choice.
Just make sure he knows that he has to choose a college nearer home.

Indoctro · 11/10/2021 06:52

Also if you weren't WFH you would be affording then fuel your travel to work as you weren't aware at the time of move and thought you would be driving to work

So how come all of a sudden you can't afford the fuel.?

Sounds more like you can't be arsed driving now it's no benefit to you

Poor parenting if you ask me.

WTF475878237NC · 11/10/2021 06:56

I am not sure what the opportunity was and whether you mean a bigger house was the opportunity?

For your son though, this could be a defining moment in his education as well as your relationship.

Oblomov21 · 11/10/2021 06:56

Is he year 8?
Because I would move him to a closer school NOW in plenty of time for GCSE's.
But yes, I think you were very very unfair on him, to not consider this all, to promise he could stay, to not have considered the driving, and his tiredness. Obviously you couldn't have predicted covid, but many of the issues don't actually relate. It feels like you just wanted the house and didn't think through his schooling enough. Schooling and ds's would have been my number 1 priority re moving and buying a house.

AlexaShutUp · 11/10/2021 06:56

Your mistake was in making a promise that you're no longer willing or able to keep. Of course, you couldn't have foreseen the pandemic but you should have thought about what might happen if circumstances changed - sickness, redundancy etc.

It's hard to see a way through now. I can see why it isn't sustainable to keep taking him, but the alternative is to break your promise and therefore destroy his trust in you at just the point in his development when it is most important to build it. That's a big risk imo - the teenage years can be challenging enough as it is without them having a just cause to feel wronged and angry.

Why did you have to move house? Would moving back nearer the school be an option?

Morph2lcfc · 11/10/2021 06:57

@TeeBee

So you were going to do the journey if you were working, now it's too much? You promised, right? I guess it depends on how important keeping your promises to your child means.
Presumably if she was driving to work and School is near work then it was doable, but wfh means driving there and back at drop off and again at collection so double
Aspergirl77 · 11/10/2021 06:57

I think I’ll be in the minority here but I’d be looking to move him to a more local school pronto!

PattiPritell · 11/10/2021 06:57

At 13 he has enough time to move into new set of friends before he leaves. I would move him as in the years to come when he leaves school he won't be in touch with his friends at all as they are 45 miles away.
However if he does move the new friends he will have made will be around after he leaves school, when he is home from uni etc or starting work.
I moved my DD at 14 and she was much happier at the new school and friendships have continued into uni and beyond.

ChuddleyCannons · 11/10/2021 07:02

He's a child move him

Pinkspecs · 11/10/2021 07:02

I take it he's in year 9 OP?
I wouldn't move my kid in year 9 especially if they were happy there, so I would find a way to get him there if not move back.

BreatheAndFocus · 11/10/2021 07:05

Can’t he get public transport? If not, I’d be looking at a new school locally. Keeping him at his old school wouldn’t help him socially as all his friends there would be miles and miles away. He’ll gradually lose touch with them anyway.

Why did you move house, by the way? I think that’s relevant as it might explain your son’s upset.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 11/10/2021 07:06

I have considerable sympathy with your son's point of view!

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