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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS won't move school

422 replies

PardonBeeOne · 10/10/2021 23:21

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

OP posts:
fiveleftfeet · 11/10/2021 07:06

I travelled 45 minutes to secondary school, and there were kids coming from further away.

Ignore the people saying 45 minutes is too long for a commute, it's totally doable.

Investigate the public transport options and then do the journey with him a few times so he knows what he's doing.

ParadiseLaundry · 11/10/2021 07:06

@Thatsplentyjack

Well you promised him, so what you are saying is you lied to him to get him to do what you wanted. Not surprised he's annoyed. What was your reason for moving, bigger house?
I agree with this. If you break your promise he might never trust you again.
Charley50 · 11/10/2021 07:07

I don't know? Public transport? You stay at the office near the school on the days you take him? Or if he's very sociable and loves his friends, he'll probably make friends easily at a new school..and can see friends at the weekend. It's tricky.

FlamingoQueen · 11/10/2021 07:07

I moved schools aged 13 due to a house move. I can’t pretend it wasn’t hard, but I had zero choice (geographical move). My df says he regrets making me move schools. However, I survived! I struggled to make new friends because every one was in their friendship groups and I was quite shy. Eventually, I ‘found’ my group and had a whale of a time. It was actually a better school too.
Is your ds good at something in particular? I was good at sport so found that helped me find my feet.
I would move your ds. You cannot keep on making a long journey. Can you go and look around the local schools first? Does he have a choice over local schools or is there only one? Can he have friends to stay at weekends?
Sorry for the questions, but thinking is there some choice that he could have!

Shadowboy · 11/10/2021 07:07

@GrammarTeacher

We have students who do that length of journey on public transport every day. The thing that leaps out here is when it was going to be your journey it was ok. But now it's tiring for everyone? Would it not have been if your job wasn't wfh? I can imagine your 13 year old is very angry about this. It's also a really odd point in the year to move. Have you looked in to school place availability near you?
I think a lot of people are missing the concept that it’s not 90 miles that the mum has to drive but 180 per day because she has to drive there, then home, then go to work and then the reverse. So it’s far worse than just 45 miles before work, it’s 90 miles before work…. That’s one hell of a day.

I moved aged 13- it was fine. Kids move all the time (I’m a teacher so we see how frequently we get students leaving/starting in classes)

What are the schools like in the new area?

LynetteScavo · 11/10/2021 07:08

The time to move him was before the start of Y9, to a school that is better than the one he's at, so you could have sold it to him. The longer you leave it, the worse it's going to be for him to move, and once he starts Y10 it will be virtually impossible without his GCSEs suffering.

Personally I'd go back to the office or find somewhere to work from near the school. That was the deal you gave him.

ANameChangeAgain · 11/10/2021 07:09

I had to move at 11 and it affected me massively. I felt very lonely in a huge school at break times and did badly in school as I couldn't concentrate. It took me a good 12 months to settle. My parents moved to a bigger house in a nicer area in a catchment of a school with a better reputation.
Your local school would just had open evenings, so I assume you took him? You need to book him into a local Scouts or Cadets group, so that he can start establishing local friendships.

Charley50 · 11/10/2021 07:09

Also if the move was about you being able to buy, rather than rent, your DS will understand why it was necessary to move.

1099 · 11/10/2021 07:10

@fiveleftfeet

I travelled 45 minutes to secondary school, and there were kids coming from further away.

Ignore the people saying 45 minutes is too long for a commute, it's totally doable.

Investigate the public transport options and then do the journey with him a few times so he knows what he's doing.

It's 45 Miles not minutes.
Benjispruce4 · 11/10/2021 07:10

I wouldn’t move him in y13. Other schools may have covered different areas of his course and in a different order. I’d suck it up until exam leave. See if you can mix lifts with public transport.

Nightbringer · 11/10/2021 07:11

I think a lot of people are missing the concept that it’s not 90 miles that the mum has to drive but 180 per day because she has to drive there, then home, then go to work and then the reverse. So it’s far worse than just 45 miles before work, it’s 90 miles before work…. That’s one hell of a day.

But she knew that when moving.

And she has only moved very recently. 18 months into a pandemic, knowing she was already wfh. She may have expected to go back to the office, but no one could call what was going to happen.

Its not like she moved Feb 2020 and couldn't have possibly predicted this.

Yes, lots of kids do well changing schools. My ds has done fantastically, with his school move. But all kids don't. Especially when they don't want to and feel manipulated into it. And all so feel their parents just make promises to get them on board with things then change their mind because it just doesn't suit them now.

Benjispruce4 · 11/10/2021 07:13

Ah I see age 13 not y13. In that case I think you were very foolish to make a promise you can’t keep. I never make a promise like that. You may well have to move him as it’s not sustainable but there will be huge fall-out.stat by finding out if he will visit local schools. Does he have local friends or are they all at the current school? If he does, would he consider their school?

PurBal · 11/10/2021 07:14

@TyrannosaurusRights

He’s 13. You move him and he deals with it.
This
PurpleOkapi · 11/10/2021 07:14

@GummyBearWhere

He moves, he’s 13 and he does what his parents tell him. Heaps of kids have to move schools, and heaps of them probably dont want to but the world does not revolve around the wishes of a teenager, it revolves around parents jobs, affordable housing, consequences of relationships breaking down, etc. he’s got to learn resilience and how to cope with change.
The problem here isn't the fact that OP decided to move against his wishes. It's that OP made a promise to him without thinking through the implementation, and now wants to go back on that promise because keeping it is less convenient than she expected it to be when she made it. She seems to have the same job as she had before, so it's nothing to do with her job - it's just that the job no longer requires her to make the drive, and she's decided it's not worth doing just for him.

Yes, in real life, people will sometimes screw you over by going back on their word or just plain lying to you to get you to do what they want. But that's a shitty thing to do to your child, and rationalizing it by saying you're "teaching them to cope with change" rather than just being a terrible parent makes it even worse. Yes, he needs to be able to cope with change, but if the school is the only sticking point here, he apparently coped with all the other change involved in the move just fine. But he's 13, and he shouldn't have the entire burden here. OP is an adult, and she chose to create this situation. She needs to act like it, and take responsibility for the consequences of her own ill-thought-out actions. That means keeping promises unless it's truly impossible, not just inconvenient.

GrandmasCat · 11/10/2021 07:15

I would do the driving if I were you. It is the last year and if you move him know his predicted grades might be affected as their new tutors won’t have enough info to make a reliable prediction.

Besides… you promised.

Look at public transport, you may be able to give him a lift to a bus stop so he can travel from there.

SleepQuest33 · 11/10/2021 07:15

I wouldn’t move my child at that age. How good is he at making friends? It depends so much on the child in question.
Could you visit the prospective school with him to see how he feels?
Could you rent your new house out and rent something closer to school until he completes year 11?

fuckitbucket16 · 11/10/2021 07:15

Mumsnet cracks me up honestly 😂😂

In the real world, 13yos don’t call the shots.

Presumably the move was for a reason and his parents didn’t just decide to inconvenience their children because they felt like it. He needs to suck it up and move schools or catch public transport. That drive isn’t sustainable.

HalzTangz · 11/10/2021 07:18

[quote TaraR2020]@Polmuggle Blush Well then I completely take my reply back!

I know it'll be really hard for him, but you don't have any choice but to move him, do you?[/quote]
They do have choices.

The boy could bus, train or cycle to school and stay where he is.

The OP is currently WFH, what if her office decides they want her back full time in the office, a week after they make the boy move school?

ButterflyAway · 11/10/2021 07:19

You move him schools now you could (and probably will) irreparably damage your relationship with him. Kids don’t forget broken promises, especially promises thatve been broken because you simply CBA working in an office now Hmm

Simonjt · 11/10/2021 07:19

I moved school in year 9 due to a move, we moved in the half term between october and december.

It was shit, the new school didn’t have room in the option blocks I wanted, so I had to study for a GCSE that I didn’t want, they’re rugby team was crap and I really struggled to make friends, I wouldn’t say I made a single true friend there, just people who would have a chat during lesson etc. I’m still very close to my friends from my original secondary school.

You really can’t make promises to your children and break them when you don’t like the effort involved.

GrandmasCat · 11/10/2021 07:19

How on Earth did you promise your child he won’t need to change schools if the school is 45 miles away? Honestly, what were you thinking?

Harlequin1088 · 11/10/2021 07:20

This journey is not feasible, OP, particularly with rising fuel costs and the fuel crisis the other week just shows how quickly our routines can be scuppered in the event that we can't get hold of fuel.

Yes you made a promise to your son but circumstances have changed unfortunately and he needs to understand that part of navigating the adult world is having to face up to and deal with unexpected change.

Children from military families end up moving schools every couple of years and just have to get on with it. These things happen in life.

And I'm sure if your son really thinks about it, he's knackered from all this travelling back and forth and lacks a social life as his friends aren't in popping in distance any more.

Perhaps get him involved in some local activities/sports in your area so that he can socialise with kids from the nearby schools and start to build a social circle that way? Get him as involved as possible in the school choosing process too so he feels W bit more empowered.

R0tational · 11/10/2021 07:20

You have to move himSad

Rachellow · 11/10/2021 07:20

If public transport isn’t feasible or wfh is set to continue indefinitely you need to move him! I’m not saying to bribe him but is there something that would lessen the sting of moving especially if it helps him make friends. Y9 isn’t a bad time to move as even if he’s started gcses he’ll be able to make up. Year 10 would be so you need to make a decision.

PurpleOkapi · 11/10/2021 07:23

I think a lot of people are missing the concept that it’s not 90 miles that the mum has to drive but 180 per day because she has to drive there, then home, then go to work and then the reverse. So it’s far worse than just 45 miles before work, it’s 90 miles before work…. That’s one hell of a day.

I don't think that's true. At least, nothing OP has said indicates it. Yes, that's what she'd need to do if she was insistent on working from the specific location that is her new house. But for most employers, "working from home" is just an expression - they don't care where you're working from, as long you're available during business hours and the work is getting done. I doubt her employer has forbade her from arranging a shared office space near her son's school and working from there. She'd then be driving 45 minutes there in the morning, and 45 minutes back in the afternoon, which is exactly what she expected to be doing when she promised her son he could stay in the same school.

And I still don't understand how this is only now becoming a problem. Did her employer really only tell everyone to WFH starting last week? Was everyone going to the office that whole time? I doubt it. She had to have known well before now that if she wanted to keep her promise while working from her dining room table, it would mean twice as much driving as when she'd worked at the office. But rather than exploring other options, or even moving her son before the year started, she let it get to mid-October before deciding that 3 hours/day of driving is too much. Why?