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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS won't move school

422 replies

PardonBeeOne · 10/10/2021 23:21

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

OP posts:
Longdistance · 11/10/2021 07:24

I don’t know why you promised it to him?
Can you drive him to a certain point and then he gets public transport?

AlexaShutUp · 11/10/2021 07:25

In the real world, 13yos don’t call the shots.

No, they don't call the shots. But in my world, they are still treated with decency and respect.

The OP made a promise that should never have been made. We don't know why they moved or whether the move was really necessary. Perhaps it was unavoidable and the reasons for this should have simply been explained to the child at the time. Perhaps the move wasn't absolutely essential, and that's why the OP ended up making silly promises to try to get her son on board.

What we do know is that the OP made a commitment to her ds that she is now struggling to keep. How do you suggest she should deal with this? Are the promises we make to our children any less binding simply because they are young? Personally, I don't think so, and I believe that trust is a fundamental pillar of effective parenting.

Nightbringer · 11/10/2021 07:26

Children from military families end up moving schools every couple of years and just have to get on with it. These things happen in life.

Ops son isn't in a military family. And I can't imagine a family that moves alot would tell their child, that they would be able to stay in the same school.

What military families do is completely irrelevant. And while many do just fine. Many children in families in this set up, do not.

Nightbringer · 11/10/2021 07:27

@Longdistance

I don’t know why you promised it to him? Can you drive him to a certain point and then he gets public transport?
I think this is the best option.
SpiderinaWingMirror · 11/10/2021 07:28

Go back to the office to work.

Dozer · 11/10/2021 07:28

Will you be permanently wfh if you stay with your current employer?

beigebrownblue · 11/10/2021 07:32

Off beat solution, but is there a family he can stay with, monday to thursday (and you perhaps contribute to expenses) - and then he comes back for weekends. It might suit him.

NailsNeedDoing · 11/10/2021 07:32

You need to find a solution that doesn’t mean you son has to give up his school and friendships for your convenience.

You made this deal with him, and you need to stick to it or find a better solution if you want your son to respect you. He won’t respect you if you won’t respect him.

Standrewsschool · 11/10/2021 07:38

45 miles. To be honest, I can’t quite see how you would ever consider this feasible? My dc used to catch the train 12 miles away, and that would take us 40 minutes during rush hour if we had to drive.

Sorry, but you’re going to have to be the adult and make him move. Have you approached the local school to check there’s places? What’s it reputation? You need to visit with him.

With social media, he can still keep up with old friends.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 11/10/2021 07:38

My son would be devastated if he had to move schools. We moved a couple of miles down the road but it means he now has to take a bus and train and it takes 1hr 20 each way. He does it because he doesn't want to move. Is there any public transport?

Billybagpuss · 11/10/2021 07:40

Mn is unbelievable at times, they expect you to keep a promise that involves driving 180 miles per day, I hope you have a Tesla op!

ok the move was a mistake, but driving that distance on a daily basis is ridiculous. Apologise to ds and make alternative arrangements.

I live in a high grammar school area and many kids do travel that distance daily but by school bus or train. Can you check out those options, even if it means you driving half the distance to drop him off somewhere.

RantyAunty · 11/10/2021 07:41

I can't believe some of the posters here.
Pandering to a 13 year old.

He's 13. He doesn't get a say. Get him moved to a new school and involved there. He'll be fine.

Calmdown14 · 11/10/2021 07:42

What does your son do closer to home? Does he have any hobbies? Can he join a local football team or other sport?
Your best bet is to try and find as many ways for him to make friends locally. Then if it's going to a different school but with some people he already knows he may be more willing.
Otherwise you need to find a point you drive him to and he does the rest of the journey himself.
At the minute he has little incentive in this scenario. A few weeks of walking between bus stops in the cold might make a move more appealing. At the minute he sits in a nice warm car. He doesn't see the return legs of the journey so for him it's not too bad

Iggly · 11/10/2021 07:42

If I were the OP I’d keep it up for more than a week and at least try for longer and research alternative schools. But at least try.

GreenWheat · 11/10/2021 07:43

@RantyAunty

I can't believe some of the posters here. Pandering to a 13 year old.

He's 13. He doesn't get a say. Get him moved to a new school and involved there. He'll be fine.

So sweep all his feelings and concerns under the carpet basically? Do you have teenagers yourself I wonder, and what's your relationship like if you do?
3luckystars · 11/10/2021 07:45

He does get a say! A person is a person, no matter how small.

mummymayhem18 · 11/10/2021 07:46

Poor boy. It's hard at that age and a big upheaval. All depends on your reasoning for the move. You shouldn't have made promises you weren't willing to keep.

Milkbottlelegs · 11/10/2021 07:47

At what age do the wants and needs of your child become irrelevant? I see so much on MN which is about always put your (young) children first. Finding the number of people saying a 13 year old needs to suck it up unbelievable.

What’s the real story here OP? You’ve mentioned it being the only place you could afford to buy. Buying a property doesn’t trump everything else? Unless I’ve missed an update you’ve not mentioned a father or husband or partner?

JumperandJacket · 11/10/2021 07:47

OP, has your office actually closed or do you just prefer wfh?

Milkbottlelegs · 11/10/2021 07:47

And why, given how far we are into term, are you only just experiencing the school run? Or did you move mid term?

NailsNeedDoing · 11/10/2021 07:47

Why shouldn’t he get a say just because he’s 13?

It’s not true to say ‘he’ll be fine’ as if that’s guaranteed. He might be fine but equally, he might not be fine. It’s very common for children not to settle in new schools, especially at that age. He could have a coupe, of years of stress and misery as he tries to make new friendships that he doesn’t really want. He’s going to feel very resentful and let down by his parent, who he should be able to trust to keep promises to him.

ChocolateHoneycomb · 11/10/2021 07:48

This is a tough one.
Assuming he is in year 9. Realistically it is in his best interests to move, perhaps for after Xmas.

@PardonBeeOne
I would be really honest and say you are sorry, this is your mistake regarding logistics but your work situation changed and now you recognise this is adversely impacting him.
Beforehand I would research your local school options.
Also research public transport options.
Then

  1. Present your travel plan for him if he were to remain at the old school. This shouldn’t involve you driving him.
  2. Present the potential pluses of moving schools - loads more free time due to no commuting, nearer friends, big up any positives of the new school(S) etc
  3. Present negatives of status quo - commuting time, not close to friends etc
  4. Say that you feel you need to move him, which short term will be difficult but you feel long term will be the best option for his well being.
Let him know lots of children change school at 13, it is an entry point for many independent schools etc and it is better to do it before GCSE. I would propose starting a new school after Christmas. I would suggest ways to help him settle - some ‘carrots’!

GOOD LUCK

THisbackwithavengeance · 11/10/2021 07:48

I can't believe all the pandering to the 13 year Demi God who is in charge in the OP's house.

He's 13. He hasn't started his GCSES yet. His life is not ruined. Yes, it will be hard to move school and he will miss his friends but that is life. He'll get over it and make new friends.

A 90 mile round trip for school? I wouldn't have even considered it.

AlexaShutUp · 11/10/2021 07:48

@3luckystars

He does get a say! A person is a person, no matter how small.
In my experience, a lot of people seem to have difficulty grasping this concept.
3luckystars · 11/10/2021 07:49

She said ‘the house was what they could afford and they didn’t want to miss the opportunity’ that could mean anything.