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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS won't move school

422 replies

PardonBeeOne · 10/10/2021 23:21

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 11/10/2021 07:49

A 90 mile round trip for school? I wouldn't have even considered it.

Neither would I, but the OP promised it. And that's the issue.

Goldbar · 11/10/2021 07:50

Is there a good school locally which would have a place, OP?

Have you started ringing around to find out what the options are?

You are the adult. You need to make this ok for your son. You need to locate a place for him in a good local school, sign him up for extracurricular activities and help him to meet other kids who go there and also provide a taxi service some weekends (or pay for trains) so he can keep in touch with his old friends.

If he's at a good school already, then I don't think there's any way you can justify moving him to a poor school locally if that's all that has places.

Nightbringer · 11/10/2021 07:50

Mn is unbelievable at times, they expect you to keep a promise that involves driving 180 miles per day, I hope you have a Tesla op!

Op knew the distance when she bought the house.

starfishmummy · 11/10/2021 07:51

@TyrannosaurusRights

He’s 13. You move him and he deals with it.
I agree.
canary1 · 11/10/2021 07:51

Just go back to working onsite. This is only a problem because you changed to wfh, right? So just stop wfh. Everyone is happy

starfish4 · 11/10/2021 07:53

Your circumstances have changed which you didn't anticipate. He doesn't get to pull the strings. I appreciate he doesn't want to change schools/friends, but the situation isn't feasible longterm. If he doesn't move now, it's going to be a lot harder in a couple of years when he's become more independent and knows his friends are hanging around locally, getting the bus into town, starting to go to pubs.

If he's worried about losing his friends, it might be a solution and compromise could be found there, ie a couple could come and stay every couple of weekends, you'd have to do a reasonable amount of pickups/drop offs, but far less driving than now. He might now want to show any interest in the process, but if you move him, try and get him involved in the process as much as possible, ie find all schools that could take him in your area and even let him chose his preference (even if you think another school would be better). Also, if he can finds new hobbies, a local club to join that might help, anything that gets him seeing the benefits of living where you are.

Nightbringer · 11/10/2021 07:53

@THisbackwithavengeance

I can't believe all the pandering to the 13 year Demi God who is in charge in the OP's house.

He's 13. He hasn't started his GCSES yet. His life is not ruined. Yes, it will be hard to move school and he will miss his friends but that is life. He'll get over it and make new friends.

A 90 mile round trip for school? I wouldn't have even considered it.

How is he in charge? He didn't want to love or move school. Op moved anyway.

How is that in charge? If he was in charge, then they wouldn't have moved at all.

namechanging564 · 11/10/2021 07:54

You never should have promised him that. But it if it isn't sustainable he has to move, whilst it isn't ideal plenty of children do it, the way some people are talking you'd think you were doing something illegal to him. That's life, it doesn't always go exactly as planned, give him lots of support (without over egging) but he has to move, he will not be the first or last 13 year old who does.

RedskyThisNight · 11/10/2021 07:56

@fuckitbucket16

Mumsnet cracks me up honestly 😂😂

In the real world, 13yos don’t call the shots.

Presumably the move was for a reason and his parents didn’t just decide to inconvenience their children because they felt like it. He needs to suck it up and move schools or catch public transport. That drive isn’t sustainable.

I agree 13 year olds don't call all the shots.

If you want to move house, you tell your 13 year old you are moving house and they are going to go to x school.

However, if you promise your 13 year old that the move will still mean that they can go to their old school, you don't change your mind after 3 weeks. That's the issue here.

I think OP needs to start to look at what their local school option might be and see if it's suitable for her DC. At this point she doesn't even know what that option might be. And she needs to agree (and mean it, although I suspect her DC might not trust her any more) to facilitate meetups with old friends in holidays and weekends. Because making him move schools like this will have an impact on him/his grades, so she needs to to her utmost to bend over backwards.

SinoohXaenaHide · 11/10/2021 07:56

You need to either start working from the office again every day, or as pp suggested start paying for a coworking office space near to DS school. It's only 3 years (or is it 2 if he's only just turned 13?) after which he can switch to a 6th form college that he can get to under his own steam. You have been commuting that distance before, you can do it just fine, there is no need for the double journeys which was what makes it harder.

Branleuse · 11/10/2021 07:56

At 13 id offer a bribe and an apology. Also find out about trainlines and buses to school

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 11/10/2021 07:58

The boy could bus, train or cycle to school and stay where he is
Cycle? 45 miles each end of the day?
😳

ScreenAddict · 11/10/2021 07:59

Poor lad. One of my children is the same age and would hate to move schools, as would I have at that age. We are desperate to move house but we’re waiting until she has finished school as we know how difficult moving schools would be.

It sounds like you would have done the drive to get yourself to work so I think you should be willing to do it for him to get to school or as others have said get him a train pass.

3luckystars · 11/10/2021 08:00

He won’t believe her again though.
Years ago, trying to get a toddler into the car, a little girl across the street came over and said to me ‘you have to promise him something’ so I did and it worked. But as I was pulling out of the driveway, she said ‘but now you HAVE to give it to him, or that won’t work again’. I often think of her, she was right.

Sorry for that probably irrelevant story but I do think your son won’t believe you the next time you promise something. Good luck anyway.

Guavaf1sh · 11/10/2021 08:01

Sometimes you can’t keep promises. There are unforeseen circumstances. 13 year olds need to learn this too. I agree with posters saying this is one example of mumsnet not representing the real world. He’s thirteen. Not even gcse. I’d move him and simply apologise for the situation. Be honest.

DockOTheBay · 11/10/2021 08:02

@negomi90

13 so everyone has established fixed peer groups and moving would be a social nightmare? 13 so year 9 (or worse year 10) and has picked GCSEs and is in established sets and specific levels. The odds of being able to do those exact subjects in the right sets is minimal. Moving will also require catch up work as schools have been back a month (more by the time you actually move him) and different schools do different things in different orders. I'm afraid moving him now will really screw him over. The best options for him are for you to suck it up, or find public transport for him. He can move for college 6th form when there's loads of movement anyway.
Kids move schools all the time.

"The odds of being able to do those exact subjects in the right sets is minimal"
Why? All schools do the same subjects and they can set him quickly based on evidence from his other school and testing. Obviously it would have been better to move in September but it doesn't sound sustainable for OP to do this journey for 2 years.

ScreenAddict · 11/10/2021 08:03

If you want to move house, you tell your 13 year old you are moving house and they are going to go to x school.

No, good parents don’t do that.

Nightbringer · 11/10/2021 08:03

Non of these circumstances were unforeseen.

Op knew where the house was. Knew she was wfh, knew this would happen. They moved recently.

She may have assumed she was going back to the office at some point, but its been really obvious some won't.

Its not really a change. Its op not deciding the promise she made is too much hard work so doesn't want to it.

ILoveMyMonkey · 11/10/2021 08:05

I haven’t read all the replies (sorry) but if I were you I’d agree to do one journey i.e drop him off in the mornings and make him get public transport back home, at least that way your only doing the journey twice rather than 4 times. I don’t think you can go back on your promise - it will affect your relationship with him for sure.

DockOTheBay · 11/10/2021 08:06

@ScreenAddict

Poor lad. One of my children is the same age and would hate to move schools, as would I have at that age. We are desperate to move house but we’re waiting until she has finished school as we know how difficult moving schools would be.

It sounds like you would have done the drive to get yourself to work so I think you should be willing to do it for him to get to school or as others have said get him a train pass.

Driving to school is twice as far as to work, as you have to come back as well. Unless OP is going to hang around near the school for 6 hours. Presumably it also makes her late for work (from home) or child has to be dropped off for school an hour early
namechanging564 · 11/10/2021 08:10

So a parent makes one mistake, and now has to submit fully to a 13 year old for the next 5 years? Even though it is physically exhausting and financially damaging? What kind of message does that send the 13 year old? I don't think that kind of pedestal parenting does any child any good. Some people on this site are on another planet. Parents aren't infallible, she made a promise she couldn't keep, it was wrong to do that but now she needs to apologise and explain to the 13 year old the new situation and explain exactly why. He's young enough he has to do as he's told but old enough to understand why. She needs to put in as much support as she can for him but she does not need to bend over backwards because of one silly promise.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 11/10/2021 08:11

Why on earth did you promise him that?!

I would have gently told him that he was going to have to move schools, and done it at the start of the school year. That would have been tough for him, but I'm sure he'd get over it. Teenagers aren't in charge. You'd have been in the clear. However, now you've promised him something it is really shitty and unfair to go back on that.

I think you've made your bed on this one. If you go back on your promise I doubt he will trust you again.

AlexaShutUp · 11/10/2021 08:11

I agree with posters saying this is one example of mumsnet not representing the real world.

I wonder why people always say this. It isn't that mumsnet doesn't represent the real world. It's simply a question of people applying different parenting standards to your own. It might be easy for you to dismiss those standards as unrealistic and not what actually happens, but you would be wrong.

DockOTheBay · 11/10/2021 08:11

@Frenchfancy

Is there a good friend he could stay with 1 or 2 nights a week?
Haha can you imagine the AIBU post for the parent of that friend 😅
amb1979 · 11/10/2021 08:12

Is there a friend he could stay with for a couple of nights during the school week?

I personally wouldn't love him. You made a promise and should keep it for him and to show him how important it is to keep your word. This is a key time in his life. Leave him where he has friends and support at school. X