DS won't move school

[PardonBeeOne]

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

I see several choices. You drive him to the train station, you board Jim with someone until end of school year, you find someone to drive him, or he leaves current school and is moody until he adjusts and makes new friends.
Years ago we moved a month before summer vacation. My teenager boarded at a family members home for that month.

*him, not Jim.

I wouldn’t move him now. As others ah e said, it’s a tough point to move both academically and socially, he’s happy where he is abs you promised he could stay. It obviously seemed feasible at one point. Do you have to wfh? Is there public transport? The fuel shortage is temporary and not something to influence this sort of decision.

I’m your shoes I’d go back to working in the office, which is what you originally planned.

You were happy to drive the distance when it was for your benefit, so you must have thought it was doable

That’s not the case, though. Instead of driving 45 miles to work, she has to drive 90 miles before work, then another 90 at the end of the school day.

Sounds awful.

We have students who do that length of journey on public transport every day. The thing that leaps out here is when it was going to be your journey it was ok. But now it's tiring for everyone? Would it not have been if your job wasn't wfh? I can imagine your 13 year old is very angry about this. It's also a really odd point in the year to move. Have you looked in to school place availability near you?

Is there a good friend he could stay with 1 or 2 nights a week?

Why did you move at such a difficult time for your son to uproot? It sounds like you have put your needs ahead of his, so no wonder he hates this. What a mess you have created. All his options are now awful - move school at a really bad time, massive unrealistic daily journey with no friends nearby at the weekend, or staying away from home during the week. Did you not consider this before the move?

There's 3 of you sharing the journey, so you personally aren't doing it everyday and YOU are exhausted? But he is doing it everyday and he doesn't want to move school?

I can't believe you moved promising hi he could stay in the school. I actually don't blame him. He isn't a small child. You have made decisions that have really impacted his life, made promises and now saying 'ah well its to tiring for me'.

Another option- move back nearer to his school and your office. Or let out the new house and rent where you used to live.

That’s not the case, though. Instead of driving 45 miles to work, she has to drive 90 miles before work, then another 90 at the end of the school day.

But if the pandemic had never happened she would be doing it. She intended to work in the area the school is in. It so happens she is now wfh.

It feels a bit 'now I don't need to make the journey for myself , I don't want to do it'.

Problem is, even if he stays at that school, he'll be 45 miles away from his friends. Is OP going to drive him over there at weekends too? Probably not.

It also depends which year he's in. He can't be in Year 10 as PP said as too young, but he could be in Year 8 as one of the older ones, in which case I'd definitely move him. Even in Year 9, if he hasn't chosen GCSE's (I know some schools start early on this) I'd move him. If he has, then it's more complicated.

Finally..... is the wfh decision due to a job change, an employer policy or your choice? I do think this makes a difference, because if you could choose to work in the office as intended it would make a huge difference (one 90 mile round trip instead of two). If it's employer policy I would still consider speaking to them and saying it's causing you significant logistical nightmares.

I'd find a way to make it work. Aside from the school upset and losing his friends at a tricky age, you've just demonstrated that promises can be broken. And to a child, that's a shitty thing to do. Surely to Christ you checked all of this before you bought the house?

Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible.

Why would working from home make the driving more difficult than it was when you were working from the office? You're still making basically the same commute as before. The only difference is that now your son is the only one benefiting from it. If your job had told you that you needed to continue commuting to keep the job, you wouldn't have said "Well, I don't like driving and petrol is too expensive, so I guess I'll just quit." You'd have found a way to make it work, or at least given it a lot longer than a week before giving up.

And how did it take you until mid-October to realize that it's a long drive? If you'd made the drive even once before making that promise, you'd have known how long it was be before school started, and he could have started the year in a new school rather than moving midyear. There are so many things you could have done to make this easier for him, and you didn't do any of them because it apparently just never occurred to you to think beyond your own convenience. This is entirely your fault and not at all his. You need to find a way to make it work.

@Nightbringer

That’s not the case, though. Instead of driving 45 miles to work, she has to drive 90 miles before work, then another 90 at the end of the school day.

But if the pandemic had never happened she would be doing it. She intended to work in the area the school is in. It so happens she is now wfh.

It feels a bit 'now I don't need to make the journey for myself , I don't want to do it'.

What's more, if she's allowed to "work from home," that doesn't mean she has to be at home (and nowhere else) during the workday. She could find a place to set up her laptop or even work out some office-sharing arrangement near her son's school, so she'd only be making the drive once per day, exactly as it would have been before she switched to working from home, and exactly what she had in mind when she promised him he could stay in the same school. She apparently just doesn't want to, because working from home is more convenient ... for her.

@HoneyDewMel

If he goes to a new School he should settle in quite quickly and get to make new friends locally. The sooner the better.

Fortunately for him it's actually a good year to change schools because everyone will be split up into different GCSE classes soon and will be forced to sit with new people and make new friends anyway.

He should be fine.

Depending on the school some will have already spilt into GCSE courses. Some schools are now starting there GCSE courses in Year 9 as they take some of them in Year 10 leaving Year 11 for just English, maths and science.

It is not a great time to move him at all.

I would keep driving him. But then I used to do a 1 hr 45 min drive twice a day in crazy middle east traffic. You get used to it. Listening to podcasts whilst you are driving might help pass the time.

Poor kid. Although the wording he's using (if that's really verbatim) is cocky and sadly it is his problem because he's the one likely to have his world negatively impacted, you really are chucking the poor kid under the bus here. Its pretty shitty to move 45 miles away from a 13 year old's school when you don't have to to keep your/ a job, and promise to drive them to school, then break your promise when you would only be doing the drive for your child, not get to work.

If you can't afford to buy in the area you need to live in then you continue to rent. If moving is unavoidable you don't make promises you can't keep, or break promises you have made. You could have bought the unmissable house and rented it out for the next five years.

I don't think his words are cocky.

They are the words of a teenager, who has been promised something fairly huge to agree to a house love, then having that promise reneged on. It appears that once they got what they wanted, they are trying to go back on they said.

As he is a teenager and not an adult, I would expect him to not be too happy and not saying things like 'let's sit down and discuss it over a brew'.

Does he have any interests or hobbies? Just wondering if you could persuade him to enrol in some local groups that he would enjoy on a weekend or evening. Playing football? Local Adventure Scouts group? I was just thinking that if he started to get to know some of the local lads, he might make friends and slowly be more amenable to moving.

It means you'll have to suck it up for a little while but it might make the process a little less painful for all concerned.

Nightbringer I have a 14 year old son. He doesn't talk like that. Mind you I also wouldn't do that to him. The thing is that sadly it is his problem - his parents have all the power, they have promised him something and are going to break the promise because keeping it is tiring. Its the teen's problem because it's him who's going to take the consequences of his entire world being disrupted. So its his problem - created by his parents, impacting him the most.

It seems really unfair to make a 13 year old move schools just for the parents’ convenience when you have promised him that wouldn’t happen. What would you do if you still had to go to your office? Would you be willing to do the commute or would you quit your job? You promised he wouldn’t have to change schools and are breaking that deal. That’s pretty big when you’re trying to maintain trust with a teen.

I think I’d personally look at whether you could rent out your home (depending on mortgage, i suppose) and move back to your old area rather than moving ds. Are you still in the same job, just wfh? Presumably you could work from a shared workspace near your son’s school (or your office, if you are in the same job). That would be a preferable option than moving schools at this point.

You need to move him quickly, not allow this to drag out. He needs to be settled in his new school before GCSE selection next year.

Yes, he'll be annoyed but these things happen.

I’m not surprised your ds is acting like this at 13. You should never have promised he could stay at school. At this age, you have to discuss life with him in a semi adult way.

Options:

1. Is your ds a sociable person? Will he make new friends easily? Is he generally happy with good mental health? If yes, you could apologise profusely, move him if you can find an appropriate school and promise that the 3 of you will drive him to see his mates every weekend, do sleepovers with them etc.

2. Public transport as previously discussed. Perhaps this will shorten your journey time. Plus it will give your ds the reality of being responsible for his commute.

3. Continue as you are. It’s another 3 years. As there are 3 of you, that’s 65 days each. God knows what you’ll do when the bad weather comes…
   Can you work from the office 1/3 of the time? Or even from your car/ an Internet cafe etc.

4. Do you have any local family there? Could you ask a good friend’s parents if he can stay once a week? You would have to give something back and ensure if the agreement doesn’t work for the parents, you won’t hold them to it.

My dd is the same age and has changed schools to go privately, however, this was her choice. She is still in contact with some of her old friends, including some from primary, who are at different secondaries. Naturally some of those friendships will go by the wayside but stronger friendships will survive.

Personally with my child, I would choose option 1. This is because she makes friends easily and I have no concerns with her mental health.

However, with every scenario you don’t insist on changing schools, you’re putting off the inevitable unless you’re planning on moving back. He is going to want to continue near his friends post 16, isn’t he?

@MinimumChips

It seems really unfair to make a 13 year old move schools just for the parents’ convenience when you have promised him that wouldn’t happen. What would you do if you still had to go to your office? Would you be willing to do the commute or would you quit your job? You promised he wouldn’t have to change schools and are breaking that deal. That’s pretty big when you’re trying to maintain trust with a teen.

I think I’d personally look at whether you could rent out your home (depending on mortgage, i suppose) and move back to your old area rather than moving ds. Are you still in the same job, just wfh? Presumably you could work from a shared workspace near your son’s school (or your office, if you are in the same job). That would be a preferable option than moving schools at this point.

Don’t do this. You don’t have deep pockets by the sound of it. Renting out your home could leave you needing to find 10k plus if your tenant doesn’t pay and you need to evict through the court. This is without the cost of damage to the property and increased taxation on rental income.

It would be cheaper to find a Monday - fri room let but that’s tough with a child and costly.

I think you’ve made a pretty poor move here. You moved and planned to keep him at his school. Now you’re wfh, you basically can’t be bothered to keep commuting for him (but you would if you were still working in an office)? What happens if you did end up back in the workplace even if part time?

He’s 13 and not responsible for this decision you’ve made. I feel incredibly sorry for him actually!