DS won't move school

[PardonBeeOne]

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

Great update OP.

Can I suggest you contact the current school with a view to a 'managed move'?

This is normally done instead of an exclusion eg for bad behaviour, but it allows for various options eg some days at home, some days at the new school, telephone contact with someone at the school he attends now, possibly a 'pupil mentor' at the new school.

As you have an academic year it means you can look at things like the syllabus for GCSE at both schools, if it is different to his current school he could start working towards the new syllabus either at home or at one of the schools.

Information from Staffordshire but it's similar everywhere

I would start talking to schools ASAP if he is in the year when they choose their GCSEs, you do not want your child being forced to take subjects he is not interested in because the ones he likes/is good at are full, or affect their choices for A levels (some GCSE subjects are often requirements for A levels).

Milkbottlelegs

DH is there but I tend to take the lead in school things. It didn’t only just start now, we have been having conversations but I thought to start a thread and see what others would do
--than get opinions about my parenting--
😊

ChocolateHoneycomb
Thank you! -

There is a lot to go through, I am doing so when I can and will respond accordingly

Glad to hear you are making progress OP.
I'd agree with those who've mentioned the importance of forward planning now, to minimise impact on GCSEs.
I wonder whether, if it's possible, there'd be some merit in moving in the summer term of this year? It still gives you time to plan, and your DS time to adjust to the idea, but it might be a bit less stressful than beginning a new year in a new school. In my experience, even in Secondary schools the summer term tends to be a bit more relaxed with things like sports days, off timetable days etc so there's possibly a chance to get to know people a bit more, and with the holidays approaching, new local friendships can potentially be built on whilst still having the chance to catch up with old friends through the break. Also if they start any GCSE syllabi in the final term he's there from the beginning.
She was younger, but we moved our DD during a Summer term. It wasn't planned actually, just the way things worked out, but it was a success. She got to do the fun summer activities and by the end of the term she was very much part of the class. Come September she was an old hand, not the newbie and was actually looking forward to going back. I think if we had carried on taking her back to her old school to the end of the year, which we could have managed, the Summer would have almost been a period of mourning for the old place and starting at the new school in September would have potentially been a worry all through the holidays. As it was she had made new friends and was free from the worry of what it was going to be like at the new place. I think there was a psychological benefit to knowing that the holidays weren't too far away too. Obviously we knew it was long term, but from DD's perspective it made the change a bit more "bite sized" - she knew that her initial target was to get to the summer holidays and that seemed less daunting, if that makes sense? Starting on day 1 of a new year, especially if it is a big year like the start of GCSEs could seem like a really big hill to climb. Just a thought, I may be talking complete nonsense!

Great update and good luck OP. Hopefully you can cope with the driving until your son moves schools.

The one thing that isn't clear to me/I've somehow missed is why you can't work in the office. Has your employer said you can't/closed the office? Because if they haven't, I'd work in the office until your son changes school and WFH in the school holidays.

christinarossetti19
Very kind of you, thank you!

MrsAvocet
Definately worth considering and not ‘complete nonsense’ at all 😊

lockdownmadnessdotcom
just when we thought things were normalising, we had a few +ve cases. Due a the small environment, we had to return to wfh at short notice.

@christinarossetti19 Thank you!

@3luckystars Thank you

@ Blondeshavemorefun
I WFH most of 2020, then with many being vaccinated, we started going back in but after a few positive cases, things had to change.

This is our 3rd month in the new house 😊

Thanks everyone!

I get what people are saying re. promises (and I would not have made this promise in the OP's case as I would not have been prepared to tie myself to a job 45 miles from my house for the next 5 years) BUT, as much as children need to know that parents keep promises, part of growing up and becoming resilient is understanding that circumstances change, other people will be forced to change their plans and you will need to adapt. You don't just hit adulthood and suddenly get given the resilience and adaptability skillset in a box.

I also think that being at school 45 miles away will become an issue when he gets older and wants to go out with friends independently. If he refuses to move schools, I would not be facilitating that decision by spending my weekends driving him there and back for social events.

Link I forgot to post

www.staffordshire.gov.uk/Education/Access-to-learning/Graduated-response-toolkit/School-toolkit/Social-emotional-and-mental-health/Using-specialist-support-services/Managed-moves/Guidance-for-managed-moves.aspx

Ah gotcha. So you moved in summer hols

@TatianaBis
Where in OP it says she moved before pandemic? If she did, she would’ve mentioned. A pp asked but Op hasn’t answered when the move happened. Not she has answered if she asked the employer if she could work from office.

You don’t know OP’s son but are very confident that he would cope because you did at age 12.
Your post is as much invention as you think other’s is.

Op, it’s parents responsibility to consider the impact on child. A promise was made without considering that circumstances may change. It’s incredibly hard for your son. He is understanding enough to be ok to travel with extra time, not meet friends in the evening. Can you elaborate why you can’t rent out new house and rent nearer school?

Cross posted OP. Good luck

[quote Taskmastre]@TatianaBis
Where in OP it says she moved before pandemic? If she did, she would’ve mentioned. A pp asked but Op hasn’t answered when the move happened. Not she has answered if she asked the employer if she could work from office.

You don’t know OP’s son but are very confident that he would cope because you did at age 12.
Your post is as much invention as you think other’s is.

Op, it’s parents responsibility to consider the impact on child. A promise was made without considering that circumstances may change. It’s incredibly hard for your son. He is understanding enough to be ok to travel with extra time, not meet friends in the evening. Can you elaborate why you can’t rent out new house and rent nearer school?[/quote]
If you read OP's update, her ds is open to moving schools at some point and he doesn't think his mum lied to him as she meant well.

@PardonBeeOne if you have to go back to office would you not have to do all the driving.

sashh

Link I forgot to post

www.staffordshire.gov.uk/Education/Access-to-learning/Graduated-response-toolkit/School-toolkit/Social-emotional-and-mental-health/Using-specialist-support-services/Managed-moves/Guidance-for-managed-moves.aspx

Thank you Sashh.. I will look into this

Taskmastre. Thank you!

@ Andi2020
I will but thats going to be just one round trip. The problem was doing 180 miles instead of 90 miles in one day.

For what it's worth Pardon I asked my DS who is now in year 11 what his opinion would be in this situation and he says that he thinks if it is anything like his school he would want to be in the new school by the last term of Year 9 at the very latest, ideally sooner.
He made the point that GCSE options chosen in one school might not be possible in another depending on the option blocks, and that different schools do different syllabi in some subjects, so he would prefer to get a feel of how particular subjects are taught in the new school before choosing. Also at his school they start the GCSE syllabi for maths, english and the sciences in the Summer term of year 11 and setting in those subjects happens before that.
He suggests that you ask any potential new schools when they make those decisions, start syllabi and what they'd do if your DS wasn't there at the time. Also what the possibilities are for moving sets or changing subjects if it turns out that the transition doesn't go exactly as planned.
Obviously every school is slightly different but it seems that quite a lot do start teaching some parts of the GCSE syllabi in year 9 which to be honest I hadn't fully appreciated despite having children who have been at that stage relatively recently - its all changed since my day!

I would investigate if part driving part public transport is an option

@ MrsAvocet
Very useful insight from your DS.
I was thinking of asking for a meeting with his teacher at the current school to get pointers on how to go about it, what to discuss with new school (if I have the chance).

@ gogohm. Done that, its a nightmare but if I was going to the office, I would be driving past the school.

Good progress may I suggest taking Thursday and Friday off next week and viewing local schools (next week is half term) far better to get moved by Easter so he can settle before gcse course start in earnest.

Move him. He'll be angry but after a month or two he'll have found new friends and be used to the new school :)

Just wondering that the OP decided to do and how her DP is with the outcome?

My nephew moved away and goes in by train, similar distance. Maybe try that? He could do his homework and revision on the train.