DS won't move school

[PardonBeeOne]

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

He needs to move schools as unpalatable as that must be for him at his age. He needs to do it this school year so he is settled ready to start his GCSE courses at the start of Y10.

I do feel for him though, whatever we're you thinking promising him he wouldn't have to move schools hen you have moved that distance away??

@SpaceshiptoMars

Is that really what you want to teach your child? That promises are meaningless and you shouldn't trust anyone?

I'd be teaching them that I'm fallible (fine with me), and that you don't keep promises that drive the entire family into the ground for the sake of one very arsey teenager!

I have always taught my dd that I'm fallible. That's a completely normal part of being human. I'm far from perfect, she knows it and she is fine with that.

I hope I would never teach her that her feelings are so unimportant to me that I would make throwaway promises about stuff that really matters to her without the slightest thought as to whether I could actually follow through on those promises.

I hope I would never teach her that her feelings are so unimportant to me that I would make throwaway promises about stuff that really matters to her without the slightest thought as to whether I could actually follow through on those promises.

You probably will though. Completely accidentally, but you will. No such thing as the perfect parent.

@AlexaShutUp

Shoulda woulda coulda. If only OP had known there was a pandemic on the way she could have warned everyone not just DS.

I’ve no idea what she said to DS but I don’t think a 13 year needs to be massively intelligent to realise that if his school transport is a parent driving to work from a house that’s 45 miles away, that if her job changes, that may no longer be viable.

Do you not know how long it takes to move if you’re in a chain? The OP said the original premise was based on her driving to work, she obviously didn’t know she would be wfh at that point.

The rest of your post is just invention.

@SpaceshiptoMars

I hope I would never teach her that her feelings are so unimportant to me that I would make throwaway promises about stuff that really matters to her without the slightest thought as to whether I could actually follow through on those promises.

You probably will though. Completely accidentally, but you will. No such thing as the perfect parent.

I've already said that I'm not the perfect parent, and I have never tried to be that. Far from it, I have always emphasised the fact that I am human and therefore fallible since dd was very young.

I take promises seriously, though. I'm careful about making them and I don't think I have ever broken one yet. DD is 16 and I know that she trusts me a lot more than many of her friends trust their parents. I don't think that's a lucky accident, I think it's because I have always taken the need to earn trust seriously. Some people clearly don't think it's a big deal.

[quote TatianaBis]@AlexaShutUp

Shoulda woulda coulda. If only OP had known there was a pandemic on the way she could have warned everyone not just DS.

I’ve no idea what she said to DS but I don’t think a 13 year needs to be massively intelligent to realise that if his school transport is a parent driving to work from a house that’s 45 miles away, that if her job changes, that may no longer be viable.

Do you not know how long it takes to move if you’re in a chain? The OP said the original premise was based on her driving to work, she obviously didn’t know she would be wfh at that point.

The rest of your post is just invention.[/quote]
The OP said that, when the buying process started, she had started going back to the office. So the pandemic wasn't an unknown factor and the concept of working from home clearly wasn't a new one. Yes, she obviously made the wrong assumptions about how things were going to pan out in the longer term, but given the circumstances, she surely should have at least considered that longer term wfh might have been a possibility.

financially and energy wise, it's not sustainable.

There is your answer.

You are the parent, you are not intentionally breaking your promise and a 13 year old shouldn't be dictating especially in 5 years he will possibly be off to uni and never to be seen again unless he's hungry or needs his washing done

You decide what is best for your family and your kid will have to get over it

Anyway, what's clear from this thread is that some people put very little value on the promises that they make to their kids, and they don't find it a big deal if promises are subsequently broken.

Fair enough. We all have different values and priorities. Hopefully your kids won't find those things important either.

Just to clarify, a recurring theme here is: ‘I can't be bothered to drive him’ - this is incorrect-. Some PP have understood and tried to explain to others. my plan was, we would go together in the morning and come back together in the evening, therefore making one round trip of 90 miles not 90 twice a day. Before we moved my workplace was 6 miles down the road and he was on the bus. My option would WFO anyway because that's what would work for both of us.

I offered to ask local schools if he can be allowed to visit before making his mind up. He is open to that.
I was not planning to uproot him mid year, it's for the next academic year.

When I realised the complications of the logistics, I started having the conversation with him.

2): why did I move?: yes a bigger house, which he loves but wishes it was at a different location. But most importantly, We needed to be on the property ladder, we are not getting any younger. Something to leave behind for them. We couldn’t do that with a rented house. Stability for all of us in the long term.

3. I have considered renting a room, budget hotel.

4. Asking friend’s parents would never be an.option because, unlike primary school, you don't get to know the other children’s parents well because there is no pick ups and drop offs. I would need to be comfortable and know people well before I can leave my son with.
   If anything, I ferried most of his friends to sports or parties and I didn’t mind.

5. I don't have to leave early when I am taking him because I tend to do my share on my off days. (2 mid week)

Anyway, we’ve had a productive conversation this afternoon. He will consider moving here at the end of this academic year. We will go through the application together when he is ready and hope for the best.

I know PP have expressed concerns about Trust being broken, lies and all this. We have a very good relationship with our DSs, no conversation is off the table. He knows I go above and beyond in most cases. They were involved in the house search and buying.

When I asked him this evening, he said he would not say it's a lie because he knows I meant well.
So I am.happy with that! 😊

Thanks All!

Sound really positive OP

@TeeBee

So you were going to do the journey if you were working, now it's too much? You promised, right? I guess it depends on how important keeping your promises to your child means.

But the op would be doing twice the driving than she would have done if she had worked there still. Instead of once there in the morning and once back in the afternoon it would be there and back twice a day.

@PardonBeeOne Take him around local schools. Check out their curriculum, sports, clubs. He might come around to the idea if he sees somewhere he likes and feels involved in the decision.

13 is early enough to move schools in secondary and slot right in.
If he has some really good friends he will have to make the effort to maintain links, but easy to do that, plus they can visit each other - the distance isn't that great.

You can't continue to do the commute, and worse to leave it longer.

Find a really good school you both like and feel is a good fit for him, and do it soon in case a waiting list is involved.

I think you would be better to move him and get him settled in before et he start of the next academic year, assuming that is Y10. He will need to make his GCSE options choices this year - if he doesn't enrol until the start of Y10 he wi t have much choice as some in demand subject classes may be full up.

@PardonBeeOne And best of luck! I'm sure it will all come good

@AlexaShutUp

OP thought she was going back to the office FT like many people and she ended up WFH FT instead. Some people thought they would continue to WFH FT and have been recalled to the office. Every company in this country is winging it making and changing decisions as events unfold. She may have been told one thing and then another.

Telling OP woulda coulda shoulda is a complete waste of time as she is in the situation she is in, and the fact you consider yourself a marvellous mother is completely irrelevant to the thread.

@AlexaShutUp

Anyway, what's clear from this thread is that some people put very little value on the promises that they make to their kids, and they don't find it a big deal if promises are subsequently broken.

Fair enough. We all have different values and priorities. Hopefully your kids won't find those things important either.

cat’s bum face

@ChequerBoard

I think you would be better to move him and get him settled in before et he start of the next academic year, assuming that is Y10. He will need to make his GCSE options choices this year - if he doesn't enrol until the start of Y10 he wi t have much choice as some in demand subject classes may be full up.

That's really key - I think I was assuming yr8 for some reason but yes could easily be yr9, which does make it more immediate. Don't know where my head's at today.

@ChequerBoard

I think you would be better to move him and get him settled in before et he start of the next academic year, assuming that is Y10. He will need to make his GCSE options choices this year - if he doesn't enrol until the start of Y10 he wi t have much choice as some in demand subject classes may be full up.

I'd agree with this.

DN didn't get a place for one of her options as others had higher marks and there were limited places - DD1 and DS did get triple science places- limit of 30 - as they were top set and history of strong grades. DD1 could do one of her preferred options - history - as they were couple under mimimum number needed to run it - so that year it didn't run. They all picked in Yr 9.

If he is y8 - it's possible some of DD2 classmates Y8 are turning 13 soon - there would be more time but if move really needs to happen then sooner is still probably better -give more chance to get settled before GCSEs.

That sounds great OP, but keep possible moving date flexible.

If ds gets involved in something locally and meets other children, he may feel that he wants to move earlier.

Also, options are usually chosen Y9, although there does seem to be a period of shifting around etc, but worth checking with schools when they start their option syllabuses.

Check your local authority website for your closest schools. You can get an idea of whether they do/are likely to have places by 'last distance offered' info. The local authority will be able to give you more concrete information.

The covid situation may have made visits more complicated, but most schools will accommodate a visit for a prospective pupil if they are able to.

Congrats for getting on the property ladder and for ignoring the daft, snidy posts on this thread.

You sound like a lovely mum who has a great relationships with her ds.

That’s great progress! I did not realise at the beginning that you were renting and then bought a house. That definitely puts a different spin on it all. I hope the new school goes really well for him. Good luck.

Good update op

Glad your dd has reliesed shit happens sometimes abs plans change

Glad looking at schools but I would move asap rather then next sept

Gives almost another year at new school with friends

If there is a place then could move the following week

One thing tho

When did you see the house and put in offer

When did you move

How long been in your new home

If you were working in the office , was it pre March 2020

Many had to go back last year tho obv if can work from home then offices /government prefer that

Great update OP.

Like others have said, if you can, I would try to move him ASAP. The sooner, the better. Definitely get down to the council and get to know the secondary schools admissions policies and start going to schools now.

**DoubleTweenQueen

@^^PardonBeeOne And best of luck! I'm sure it will all come good

Thank you and to all with positive vibes! 😊

You should be looking at schools now op. Some start GCSE options at the beginning of yr9. That’s presuming your ds is even yr8. You could be truly stuffed along with waiting lists etc if you don’t get him in now and completely disrupt his education. Agreeing a plan to start the next academic year without the facts in place is foolhardy. These new plans could be wildly unrealistic.