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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

15 year old school refusal after lockdown

204 replies

SamW98 · 17/03/2021 13:33

Hi all. New here and at my wits end. My 15 year old son is refusing to go back to school after lockdown saying he's ill (which he's not). It seems like anxiety and we have been speaking to his school who are being supportive but every day he is making up excuses and refusing to go.

We had this the last few days before the Dec lockdown as well and I just wondered if anyone has any experience or ideas as I'm at breaking point

OP posts:
Lightsabre · 17/03/2021 13:38

What strategies are the school putting in place?

Squeejit · 17/03/2021 13:40

Following as we’re going through the same. My boy has ASD. The thing with strategies is he needs to be in school to use them and I just can’t get him out of the door.

SamW98 · 17/03/2021 13:43

They've suggested a phased return with him studying at home the rest of the lessons.
However, today was the first day he should have gone in partially and he's refused to go in. He's sitting with his head in his hands saying he's too ill to go in.

Both his father and I have tried to speak to him about what is worrying him but he won't speak

OP posts:
SamW98 · 17/03/2021 13:45

Just to add prior to the last year we never had any issues and he was really happy at school. This lockdown has really affected him badly

Its so difficult with a teenager as we can't physically drag him into school - we really are struggling to know how to move forward

OP posts:
emilylovesfun · 17/03/2021 17:19

I don't blame him as they've had so much time off and personally I would be scared to go back too

LynetteScavo · 18/03/2021 07:11

He probably doesn't know exactly why he doesn't want to go in, so isn't able to verbalise it. I'd stop asking him
why, although I know that's hard.

I would start with baby steps, just going in for a few minutes to say hello to his form tutor on the first day, something slightly more in the next day. Tell him it's going to happen, tell him you will be with him and won't leave him. Tell him
It's not negotiable. Try really hard not to get cross of je point blank refuses when it's time to leave the house. Afterwards, if he manages it, say how incredibly proud of him you are he did it.

Is he Y10?

owolette · 18/03/2021 07:20

This happened to me when I was around 15. For some reason I felt incredibly ill at the thought of going to school. I would feel sick, headache, stomach pains and would end up struggling to breathe, probably where my panic attacks started.

The longer I stayed off the worse it was for me as I felt like I didn't belong in school as I'd already missed so much.

My parents didn't really know what to do and I ended up having counseling sessions at the school.

Sorry I have no good advice.

TikaSarnie · 18/03/2021 07:32

We have had similar with our 14 year old son which started in Nov /Dec with dreadful stomach problems at school which meant he was using the toilet a lot there and having diarrhoea and clamminess.
He ended up being a home for a couple of weeks before Christmas as he was struggling with going to school... and then the whole year was off isolating anyway.
We were quite worried about him as his tummy didn't seem right and he was becoming quite stressed by it all.
It has taken since then to finally be in a better position - We went to a private doctor to rule out anything serious and it became more obvious it was anxiety related and the final diagnosis was IBS.
He has seen a psychologist through our private healthcare and we have also had a lot of support from school including pre-visits before returning and also speaking to the school mentor and counsellor.
The return to school has gone so much better than expected and he is feeling a lot calmer and able to cope with his irritable bowel.
Would he agree to a visit to the school with you, toy reacclimatise?

MissSmiley · 18/03/2021 07:36

Are you sure he isn't feeling ill? My 13 was school refusing last year, we kept telling him he had to go, he just seemed really tired, until last November he passed out on the way to the bus and hit his head, he's been diagnosed with PoTS

rupert23 · 18/03/2021 07:38

I have no advice unfortunately. I just wanted to share with you that you are not alone. My son age 14 with Asd and social phobias is also school refusing. He says he cannot do school anymore and gets anxious and has meltdowns if we talk about it. I have been unable to get him there.The school are not being very helpful and Gp has referred him to CAMHS but he said there is a long wait. I don't really know what to do next.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 18/03/2021 07:45

I found a great tutor online, it's £20 per hour and i pay for a couple of hours and this has helped regain confidence. I don't think you are alone, I feel so sorry for kids and all the ways their lives have changed.

nancywhitehead · 18/03/2021 07:47

@LynetteScavo

He probably doesn't know exactly why he doesn't want to go in, so isn't able to verbalise it. I'd stop asking him why, although I know that's hard.

I would start with baby steps, just going in for a few minutes to say hello to his form tutor on the first day, something slightly more in the next day. Tell him it's going to happen, tell him you will be with him and won't leave him. Tell him
It's not negotiable. Try really hard not to get cross of je point blank refuses when it's time to leave the house. Afterwards, if he manages it, say how incredibly proud of him you are he did it.

Is he Y10?

This is good advice.

Don't keep questioning him, it will probably put more pressure on him. He is likely very confused and uncomfortable with life right now.

Take very, very small steps with him. Did he have friends at school before? Maybe you could arrange for one of them to come and say hello to him first, if so. They could tell him about how school has been since they've been back.

Then take him in for form time/ registration, just to say hello to his class, or to go in just for lunch, and after that he can come home.

Then build up to doing a lesson or two.

How was he with school before lockdown? Did he used to enjoy it? If so, once he's back into the swing of it, he will probably start to want to go.

Just reassure him that you understand he's anxious and that he's not doing anything wrong, lots of young people are feeling this way and it's OK if he needs to ease back in rather than do it all at once. I wonder also if he has any awareness? Does he recognise that school is important and he needs to go?

If he still struggles it might be worth trying to find some counselling/ emotional support for him - this can be done over the phone at the moment so he wouldn't even have to leave the house. Your GP can probably recommend or you can just google what's in your are for his age. Good luck.

Quail15 · 18/03/2021 07:54

My brother suffered from anxiety where he told us he felt ill which led to school refusal - it was triggered by an episode of sickness where he was off school for a while - he then felt too anxious to go back.

This was 10 years ago though and the school were useless. His head of year persuaded him to go in for an hour's meeting to discuss his options and then she refused to let him leave. He had to sit in her office all day - the head of year proudly told us that she had managed to get him to school and do a day's work .... Guess what.... He no longer trusted anything anyone told him about school and he refused to go anywhere near it again - he was 13.

My poor mum was threatened with court for not getting him to school but it didn't come to anything in the end. He was entitled to 3 hrs tutoring at home provided by the local authority and a cahms assessment ( which didn't really do much).
Failed his GCSEs - But went on to do a vocational qualification at college and then on to uni. He now has a really well paid job.

He still suffers from episodes of stress/anxiety and low self esteem ( not often but we watch out for it). his job and routine keep him going as well as some really good friends. I'm really proud of him - although those years of school avoidance were really hard for the whole family.

Look after yourself it is really stressful for all the family X x

SamW98 · 18/03/2021 09:44

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate every one of you taking time to respond

All through school he's been a model pupil, bright, hard working, sticks to rules etc. Had a good group of friends and was generally a happy kid.
He's got more moody in his teen years but that's normal

He wasn't too bad in the first lockdown and went back ok. But when it came to his mock exams in November, he went into a panic and that's when the refusal started. He claimed every morning to have a headache, upset stomach etc but was absolutely fine in the afternoons and evenings.
He didn't get very good grades in his mocks and I do think that the reason behind his anxiety is he knows he didn't really put himself out during home schooling and he's scared about getting in trouble - which the school have assured us he absolutely won't

He's year 11 so time running out very quickly for him to catch up.

He's been offered a place at a local college doing a BTECH in Business and Finance - he wants to do online trading - but obviously its conditional on his results

School have offered him a reduced timetable for now with revision from home alongside that and even offered a home visit to chat to him

This morning he was up, bathed had breakfast and seemed fine but as soon as I asked him to get dressed, he's gone back to bed and won't speak

He's saying he will go in for break at 11 and then go from there but lets watch this space

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ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/03/2021 09:48

My dd14 had terrible anxiety during lockdown and then this shifted to anxiety about going back. It was a nightmare, and l don’t have any answers.

But, she went back. The first day was bad, but bit by bit she’s got better and is now a lot happier and has retuned to her old self.

He IS ill if he can’t face returning. But l agree with a phased return. It’s like exposure therapy

SamW98 · 18/03/2021 11:18

Positive update - I've got him through the door in time for break. If he manages 3 lessons today that's a big step
I've told him I'm proud and he just rolled his eyes

Hopefully now he's broken the ice it might not be as difficult but I will still take each day as it comes

Thank you so much for your replies

OP posts:
TikaSarnie · 18/03/2021 14:21

That is great news! ☺️
The timeline with my son sounds very similar to yours - no problems in lockdown 1, then issues started to arise in November despite previously being completely fine, sociable, active and happy. Once my son understood what was going on, he has felt more equipped to deal with it and find strategies to cope.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/03/2021 16:07

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I think he will be fine. Give him a few days.

1st day dd came back with a face like thunder hating it
Next day a very slight improvement.

Last few days has arrived in laughing after spending 3/4 hour yaking with her friend after school. She’s like a different person, her vibrancy has come back.

LynetteScavo · 18/03/2021 18:53

Well done! You are such a fantastic mum to have got him to school under these circumstances. And he has done brilliantly, you should be genuinely proud of him. I hope he can keep it up.

He won't actually have missed much in the big scheme of things, it's the being able to overcome the hurdle of going in at all is the big thing. You're both amazing Smile

Livedandlearned · 18/03/2021 19:04

This thread has helped me feel much more positive about our situation with dd. Glad your son is making small steps Smile

SamW98 · 19/03/2021 10:31

Back to square one today. After a brilliant day yesterday he's refusing to get out of bed and saying he's ill - which he isn't

Thought yesterday was a turning point but no

The school have suggested a home visit to talk to him but I really am at my wits end. I'm just sitting here crying not knowing which way to turn

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/03/2021 10:49

Could he go in for an hour?

It’s about familiarisation. Dd was still awful after 1 day.

LynetteScavo · 19/03/2021 18:41

Oh dear! Sad

Would the school agree to him going in just for assessments so they have evidence for GCSEs?

If the worst comes to the worst and he refuses to go in at all, they will still be able to award him grades.

I would telephone the GP and explain the situation. Say he's to overwhelmed and anxious to go to school. Make sure school are recording the absences as illness.

What does he plan to do next year? If he plans to go to college to do a course this might not be the end of the world.

For PE i would tell him Monday is a new week and a fresh start, so it's fine that he didn't go today because he'll be going in then.

tribpot · 19/03/2021 18:56

I'm having something similar here with a Y11 15 year old. I think the first thing to remember is that they, and we, have been through an extraordinary year unlike anything we've ever known before. I've also felt overwhelmed by it.

The trouble is, for the Y11s the logical arguments for them being in school don't really hold up. They know perfectly well they can study from home. They've basically finished their courses and are mainly revising now anyway. And to be honest, having been in an office yesterday for the first time in over a year, it really freaked me out being around other people for two hours, so god only knows what it's like for them in school, and particularly what it was like during the autumn when they were all crammed in with no testing and no masks in class. I've got a feeling I would be refusing to go to school too.

My ds seems to be able to go in one week and then not the next. His anxiety does manifest as physical symptoms - upset stomach and urinary urgency, both absolutely impossible to manage in school when they have to wait for a duty supervisor to take them to the loo and wait for them and then escort them back again. So every morning he doesn't go in, he immediately emails his teachers for the day's work and every single piece gets done. He did an assessment at home this week, supervised by his dad.

I've spoken to his head of year about it today, and we have an appointment with a fantastic GP on Monday. My view is that he needs to do what's required to provide the evidence for his grades, but basically that's it. I'm hoping the school will continue to be sympathetic and then that things will be more normal for sixth form.

So - you definitely aren't alone. My ds never had any attendance issues before this year, and when he does go in he seems perfectly happy to be there. I think we just have to try to get them through the next few months the best we can.

TikaSarnie · 19/03/2021 19:54

@tribpot
My son has had stomach problems linked to school anxiety. It was quite bad in November - February, but has definitely taken a turn for the better more recently. We managed to get him seen by a paediatrician who ruled out any bowel problems and we then went down the psychological route and he also now has an IBS diagnosis.
School have been great - we had a pre- visit which helped with easing his anxiety about school return. Since starting back, he has been given priority seating by a door in each class and has also been given a pass to leave for the toilet any time he needs it. The diagnosis and little steps have definitely made the return much easier than we thought it might be. Hopefully your gp and school can also help.