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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 year old school refusal after lockdown

204 replies

SamW98 · 17/03/2021 13:33

Hi all. New here and at my wits end. My 15 year old son is refusing to go back to school after lockdown saying he's ill (which he's not). It seems like anxiety and we have been speaking to his school who are being supportive but every day he is making up excuses and refusing to go.

We had this the last few days before the Dec lockdown as well and I just wondered if anyone has any experience or ideas as I'm at breaking point

OP posts:
APA19 · 20/06/2021 07:41

Thanks for this. I hope all children mentioned in the thread do get back to their normal routine. Meanwhile small steps is the way forward

APA19 · 22/06/2021 11:33

Has anyone tried herbal antidepressants such as St. John's wort or anything like that ? The therapist has suggested looking at those options for my DD. Have not made up my mind yet. Meanwhile getting her to school is becoming a 2 hr task daily. I will keep pushing her to go back to school although it is beginning to take a toll on us. Thanks all

Hellenbach · 23/06/2021 23:42

Hope everyone is coping. It's exhausting and has taken over my life.
Good news is DS is much less anxious due to the meds. We went to a meeting at his school together today. This was unthinkable a few weeks ago.
School have been very slow to act but I got my local authority parent partnership involved.
So now we have a tailored timetable and much better lines of communication.
He's a long way off full time education but he is wanting to go back. It gives me hope.

MissPeregrine · 15/01/2022 18:14

I hope you don’t mind me ‘igniting’ this thread and I realise it is a zombie thread but just wanted to ask how your dc are doing now?

DS Y10 is struggling hugely atm with lots going on. An injury, possibly ADHD diagnosis and bullying, so currently he’s not in school.

We are in touch regularly with school.

I hope all of your dc (and you) had positive outcomes to their traumatic year. If so, could you please share to give others like me hope DaffodilFlowersGin

Hellenbach · 19/01/2022 22:46

Hi sorry to hear you are dealing with this. It's so tough for the whole family.
My DS is doing well, there is hope! He's back at school full time. He's completed one set of mock GCSEs and has another lot coming up.
He's exercising and eating healthily and socialising.
He's got a place at college for September and is really motivated to learn.
It's been one of the most difficult times of my life, but I'm hoping we're out of the woods.
I read Never Let Go by Suzanne Alderson, which helped me change my mindset. I like to think I'm more empathetic and patient now.
The medication has enabled my son to leave the house and recover. Without it I don't know what would have happened. He will come off them after his GCSEs
He had some therapy from CAMHs which helped. His school upped their game, got him a mentor, allowed him to drop a subject and generally listened to him.
I really hope things improve for you.

MissPeregrine · 25/01/2022 00:15

@Hellenbach thanks so very much for replying, you really don’t know how much this has lifted my spirits. It’s such a wonderful update.

I have never felt so much stress, the fact I can’t control how my DS is coping, feeling, managing his emotions at school. He’s had such bad luck over the past 12 months, not even including Covid. This teamed with currently going through the initial process of finding out if he has SEN. I wish I had a magic wand.

I will look at the book you have recommended and remain hopeful that there really is light at the end of the tunnel, thank you.

I wish you and your DS a wonderful future abs hope things continue on a positive note.

Original poster
SamW98 · 27/01/2022 22:22

OP here. My last few months been a real rollercoaster of highs and lows.

My DS missed his GCSE's through anxiety but got grades given by his teachers which was enough to get him to 6th form to do 3 A levels.

He was surprisingly ok first few weeks of 6th form and then start of October him and his dad both caught Covid. He wasn't very well for a couple of weeks and it sent him right back to square one with stress, anxiety and refusal to leave house. We had a meeting with school who wanted him take a school year out with the promise of a place in Sept 22 but we asked just to be given a few more weeks to try and get him back on track

We had an appointment with Felix Economakis - who is a leading psychologist - booked for November and I just wanted to see if that would make a difference as he states he has a very high success rate with just one 2 hour session.

DS had his session and literally from the next day it was like a switch been flicked on in his head. He's been like a different boy. He's not missed a day of school since, he's seeing mates a bit now after barely leaving the house and seems to be getting himself on track

Now the bad news - he seems to blame me for his problems and has now chosen to live with his dad. He barely speaks to me and if he does he's rude and spiteful. He's not spent a night in my house since late November and when he does come here he shuts himself in his room.

Its so difficult as I want to do all I can to support him with his schooling and getting his anxiety under control and I'm so proud of how far he's come but the casualty seems to be that I've lost my son

OP posts:
irene9 · 30/01/2022 11:51

Hi Op, so sorry to hear this. However, maybe your son's issues were wider than just the school. Maybe he had issues he wasn't telling you about relating to you and your DH splitting up that ran deeper than anyone thought.
Hopefully this is a temporary situation. You did so much to help and support him. Being a mum of a teen is so hard. Teens often 'don't know' what is wrong with them.
Basically you got him back into school and back into his life, but I guess he needs a place for the anger to go, if that makes sense. Teens of separated parents do that sometimes.
He might need to 'hold' his anger for a while. Can you do that for him?
Some times they are angry towards the wrong person. He has to be angry with the 'safe' parent because he can't be angry with the Dad who already 'left' him for fear he'd lose the precious Dad even more. Teens tend to be all or nothing and even more inflexible in their thinking when stressed.
Your best bet for future good relationship with him is to hold your nerve and accept his choices, and keep a harmonious channel of communication open with him. Keep a vision of his best self in your head and respond to that even when he's being a prick! But also don't tolerate rudeness and point that out to him if his tone of voice etc is rude. Don't take his anger personally, I know that's hard to do.
Appreciate what you have done to help him. He's a teen, I'm a mother of a current school refuser. I never thought these teen years would be do hard. But others tell me these angry kids do come back around.
Have you thought about counseling for yourself to get emotional support? It might get help you weather this storm. Take care of yourself, you're doing everything you can to help.. You are a good mother.

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 · 31/08/2022 21:32

Can I resurrect this thread? Anyone worried about school refusal in September and want to do some handholding? My ds missed much of y12, got an adhd diagnosis and did some catch up in the holidays with tutors and is in a better place, but am filled with trepidation about starting y13…

MackenCheese · 01/09/2022 08:06

Hello! Coming for a handhold. DS is going into year 10 tomorrow after missing all of year 9. No catch up work but we did a bit of travelling in the holidays and got him out of the house. He's starting a new college, but we're obviously concerned about how he'll cope with the new environment etc. Thanks for reopening the thread. Good luck to all DC!!

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 · 01/09/2022 08:41

MackenCheese - good to ‘meet you’. The atmosphere in our house is quite tense even though school is another 8 days away. We have a meeting with the school the day before.

BournemouthBabe · 01/09/2022 19:36

I posted on this thread earlier last year under a different username.

Good luck to all for next week.

DC will be going in to Y11, started a new school last year and they’re actually looking forward to going back.

Don’t think we’re out of the woods yet but I’m hoping as long as they get through Y11 with their MH intact, that’s a positive.

Secondary school has been a hugely negative experience for my DC and I can’t wait for it to be over for them (and me)!

Lucy1971 · 04/09/2022 17:45

Can I come for a hand hold too! My DD has been out of school since April with severe anxiety and is due to start year 9 tomorrow. She's been referred to CAMHS but we're still waiting for a first appointment and school haven't been much help at all. She's refusing to engage today and has spent most of the day in her room in tears.

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 · 04/09/2022 20:44

Sorry to hear that @Lucy1971 We too have had a bad day. DS is not sounding optimistic and I spent afternoon pounding the local park. Fwiw, we have therapists and counsellors involved but the most useful person has been the school nurse who keeps in text message contact with DS

Fawful · 04/09/2022 23:03

Good luck to all. I had thought that DS was going to start this year (Y10) easily, like last year, though I was getting ready for anxious battles later on (again, like last year) but he's announcing tonight that he's not feeling well, so we seem to be back to where we were before the summer. Up until tonight he had sounded upbeat so... it's hard to see the return of that. He's very on and off, he'll suddenly feel ok and go to school ok for weeks, then he'll freak out and be extremely anxious for a month or two and will not go in.
It's so hard to 'play it by ear' and not know at all how things are going to go. It could be I'm better off home educating him, or that could be an overreaction, who the hell knows.

Onwards and upwards (I guess

Original poster
SamW98 · 25/05/2023 21:44

OP revisiting this thread after a couple of years.

Its not been the easiest ride and there’s been a lot of ups and downs but I’m proud to say that my DS who’s now 18 is currently sitting his A levels in history and English - first two exams were this week and he was absolutely fine so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hes still got a way to go and I do believe at some point he’ll need to speak to someone but he needs to be ready.
But he’s been going to school, got a group of mates who he travels home with, goes to football matches across the country and is really becoming a lovely young man who I’m very proud of

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 25/05/2023 21:47

This thread😞l managed to get my then Y10 daughter back after lockdown. Now she’s in Y 12 and won’t go again.

tribpot · 25/05/2023 21:55

I hope things are better between the two of you now, @SamW98 ?

My DS has got through sixth form pretty well considering he studies three subjects in three different schools (a long story) but has remained very socially isolated. His friendships don't ever seem to have recovered following lockdown and now I'm hoping that he won't find living with others at university too stressful.

His physical symptoms have all disappeared and he's off all medication, but now that A levels have started we are very watchful for any recurrence. He's had one bout that we got straight on top of, and we have the reassurance of knowing the exams officer will make sure he can be accommodated if it comes to it - so that in itself reduces the stress.

As horrendously stressful as it was at the time, I'm now almost glad that it happened during the GCSEs, when there was still time to learn how to manage and mitigate, before the more important exams. I would have preferred it not to have happened at all, of course!

Wishing your DS all the best in his exams.

Original poster
SamW98 · 25/05/2023 22:09

@tribpot - thank you. Things are much better. He still lives with his dad but I’m no longer taking it personally. I’ve actually made the most of having my own space and freedom - hope that doesn’t sound selfish.

i see my son most days and our relationship is definitely improving. Tbh living with his dad probably make more sense at this stage. He lives close to town centre and nearer school whereas I live a few miles out of town ‘in the sticks’. DS is still a moody little sod but there’s more and more of my boy starting to come back out.

So while things still not perfect, we’ve come a very long way

OP posts:
tribpot · 25/05/2023 22:18

What else could you do but make the best of it? It sounds like things are improving and you are still very close. Onwards and upwards.

Original poster
SamW98 · 26/05/2023 11:59

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 25/05/2023 21:47

This thread😞l managed to get my then Y10 daughter back after lockdown. Now she’s in Y 12 and won’t go again.

I really feel for you. I can only say my DS struggled through Y12 and only had 51% attendance but after a visit from his pastoral care manager who had a private chat with him - we’ve never asked what was said as respected his privacy - something clicked and he’s been like a new boy (man) since.

He won’t get the grades he would have got had bloody covid not happened but if he comes out with a couple of A levels, I’ll be so proud of him and it’ll kick start his journey

OP posts:
MissPeregrine · 26/05/2023 12:32

Sad to say that DS (Y11) MH declined further and due to a combination of that and bullying, he’s not been in school.

Currently is managing to step into school to do much reduced, GCSES, Eng, Maths and science.

To say his whole school days have been stressful is an understatement.

What next, he’s looking at possibly college in another area, where hopefully the bullies won’t be going but I would think he’ll most likely have to resit his English and maths.

Hopefully the students at college are a much nicer bunch, time will tell…

MissPeregrine · 26/05/2023 12:33

He’s been doing online learning in maths and English only, so to at least attempt science is a major deal.

Feel sorry in my heart for him.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/05/2023 15:33

MissPeregrine

im sorry to hear this
my son hasn’t been back since (lockdown ) really and now has an ECHP and a tutor
im hoping your son can get the basics and move into happier times x

Original poster
SamW98 · 26/05/2023 15:49

MissPeregrine · 26/05/2023 12:32

Sad to say that DS (Y11) MH declined further and due to a combination of that and bullying, he’s not been in school.

Currently is managing to step into school to do much reduced, GCSES, Eng, Maths and science.

To say his whole school days have been stressful is an understatement.

What next, he’s looking at possibly college in another area, where hopefully the bullies won’t be going but I would think he’ll most likely have to resit his English and maths.

Hopefully the students at college are a much nicer bunch, time will tell…

Sending out my love to you all. It’s so bloody hard to see our kids struggling and not being able to help them.

Although my son in a much better place, it’s been a long and pretty bumpy road to get here and we’ve still got a way to go but it’s moving forward slowly.

I hope I haven’t upset anyone with my update just wanted to let people know there is light at the end of a very long tunnel

OP posts: