15 year old school refusal after lockdown

[SamW98]

Hi all. New here and at my wits end. My 15 year old son is refusing to go back to school after lockdown saying he's ill (which he's not). It seems like anxiety and we have been speaking to his school who are being supportive but every day he is making up excuses and refusing to go.

We had this the last few days before the Dec lockdown as well and I just wondered if anyone has any experience or ideas as I'm at breaking point

After today Ive now bitten the bullet, realised the school won't do anything to help and I've called CAMHS for a referral form

Its too late for his assessments and I will just have to plead his case with the 6th form based on how good a pupil he was before covid fucked everything up. But its obvious that if we don't sort his anxiety issues out then this is something that could affect his whole wellbeing for the rest of his life

The help is available and we need to do everything we can to help him deal with whatever it is that he's struggling with

Watching... my DD is starting to refuse school too.

Possible ASD. She suffers with OCD and anxiety

My DS was diagnosed with depression and anxiety by the children's psychiatrist as he took an overdose of painkillers earlier this year.

He sometimes gets to the school gate and goes into panic and can't go in.

I'm so proud of him as he has been in for a couple of assessments this week so hopefully will still get some grade for his A levels.

We also had family therapy which was really helpful so give that a try if you can.

@SamW98

After today Ive now bitten the bullet, realised the school won't do anything to help and I've called CAMHS for a referral form

Its too late for his assessments and I will just have to plead his case with the 6th form based on how good a pupil he was before covid fucked everything up. But its obvious that if we don't sort his anxiety issues out then this is something that could affect his whole wellbeing for the rest of his life

The help is available and we need to do everything we can to help him deal with whatever it is that he's struggling with

@SamW98 you can do the CAMHS referral yourself on line and give as much information on the impact on your child. You needn't wait on any forms...

@SamW98 💐🍫🍷 - what a shit response from the school! That’s appalling. Surely your DS is not the only pupil who is having problems at this time and they should have a plan in place for pupils who miss assessments so they can provide clear answers and reassurance when things go awry. Their response has only fuelled the anxiety for both yourself and your DS. No wonder he doesn’t want to go to such an unsupportive environment!

Easy to say, but please try not to worry 💐 You say your DS’s work has been of a high standard so hopefully they will use that to award his grade. Alternatively, if they want evidence from ‘exam conditions’ they can reschedule his assessments for another time. I don’t think either scenario is unrealistic for this year.

We are in Scotland and my DD has had anxiety related attendance issues for the last 2 years. She is doing Nat 5’s this year (GCSE equivalents). Luckily her school have been very supportive and understanding. They are doing assessments atm and DD has been unable to attend for 2 of them. When I phoned the school the office staff were so reassuring (I was very stressed) and then DD’s guidance teacher phoned me later to confirm they would reschedule.

I don’t know how I would’ve reacted if I’d got the response you had - I probably would’ve cried! Good luck with getting things sorted for your DS. It’s such a rollercoaster isn’t it? The hope and joy when they have a good spell, then the disappointment and frustration when it all comes crashing down again. Hang in there 💐

Today he has two of his most important exams for subjects he wants to do at A level and he's laying in bed crying saying he thinks he's having a heart attack.
The stress and anxiety in his head is just crippling him. Its so hard as a parent to see him like this. He really tried this morning to push himself but he just couldn't

School have said if we can get him to a doctor and get a certificate for stress/anxiety then they will assess his grades on his coursework

I'm just so upset that my bright beautiful boy is feeling like this. Sod the exams - I just want him to feel right

I am so sorry this is happening, I don't know what else to say. I've been on tenterhooks this morning getting my son to school today and I just feel so sorry for these bright young people who are overcome with anxiety. Sending good wishes. I hope your day gets better, OP.

I've sent the school and email explaining how is right now and also asking them to consider letting him stay on at 6th form based on how they know he is and was before these lockdowns. They've known him for 5 years, they know he's been a hard working, bright, friendly boy who hasn't given them a minutes trouble and before this hideous year was predicted to sail through his GCSE's

I'm so sorry you're having such a lousy time @SamW98.

We have had a rocky road since I last posted as well but definitely not in your league. The start of the GCSE assessments was a big trigger (understandable, that is stressful for everyone in the best of times, which these certainly aren't ) and ds had a panic attack one day after they started.

As his issues manifest in a more physical way (toilet problems) it's been easier for the school to engage proactively and he's done a lot of his exams at different times from everyone else, in a side room which has its own loo. He is only going in from 12-3 every day so the exams officer is performing heroics, rearranging things so he can take the tests during his 'working hours'. This has been transformative; he is now quite relaxed about going in and getting his exams done (he has refused to go in today as there aren't any exams, admittedly!) and I'm disappointed your school aren't doing more than just saying 'he has to go in'.

We've found an excellent (private) counsellor and she is really helping - but of course, ds has to be willing to engage with this kind of support. I had actually forgotten just how stressful things were a month ago so massive sympathies to everyone still struggling through this.

Like you I fully sympathise with them not wanting to go in - I wouldn't either. So this isn't completely irrational. Surely the school will let him stay on for sixth form? As they appear to have done bugger all else you would think that was the least they could do.

Hoping the last few weeks are easier for you.

@tribpot

Thank you. I'm actually staying calmer than I thought today. Bless him he really was trying but it got the better if him

I got a pretty generic response from the school that tells us absolutely nothing - via email no one actually returns our calls anymore

I have today sent a long, well thought out email to the exams manager, pastoral care and head of 6th form spelling out exactly what I believe his entire school history should be taken into account and why him going to 6th form even if he only does 2 A level or a BTEC rather than the 3/4 would be the best way forward for his continued education and mental wellbeing

I'm not stressing anymore. His wellbeing is my priority and that is what matters. I will continue to present his case to them as to why he should be given an opportunity to go forward there even if he doesn't get the grades - he did get 4 5's and a 6 in his mocks which means he's only one short of his conditional offer. These are exceptional circumstances and allowances should be made for someone they know was a model pupil prior to bloody COVID

I think that's right @SamW98, you have to prioritise his well-being and he's clearly not able to deal with this right now. If the school don't want to try to help out - well, that's on them, not you. I'd query if he really wants to do his A-levels there, except that a change of environment would only be more stressful. My ds thinks the stress will all evaporate when he finishes Y11 and is really looking forward to Y12; I'm not quite sure why he thinks it's all going to be fine by then but god I really hope it is!

Surely for the school all they need to say is if he doesn't get a 5 in English and Maths he should retake those in November??

Another day where he tried really hard, was almost there but just couldn't jump that final hurdle. I am so proud of him, hes really pushing himself but he's not quite there

Spoke to doctor this morning and am surprised he did too. He didn't tell her everything, mainly the physical symptoms but she could read between lines

She's writing a letter to the school which should help regarding him getting estimated grades. She's also sending him for a blood test just to see if he's lacking anything and she says now he's 16 there is a lot more access to anxiety support and counselling and sending me some links
So really glad we made that call plus sending the school the email yesterday I feel like we are taking control of the situation

The shame is that I can see such a big difference in him. he really is trying to push himself whereas a few weeks ago he just gave up. Its just that we don't have the time re his assessments but he has taken such huge steps. Even him speaking to doctor today no way would he have done a month or so ago

So although he's not gone in agin today, I'm actually feeling much more positive and like we have taken control back

Good. It definitely sounds like he's moving in the right direction, and I suppose one challenge is how to keep that momentum going after school finishes in a couple of weeks. My ds' school has sixth form induction in June, does he have that to plan for at least?

Hi everyone
It’s only Tuesday !
Mine went in for a few hours , but came back very cross as he got
Told off for not doing homework
Which I offered to help with , but was refused

It’s getting to the stage I’m highly anxious every day which doesn’t help

Anyway starting therapy for me this Friday

Sending best to all

Sam I’m pleased you doctor is helping

Another morning, another anxiety related illness and he's unable to go in again

He's missed all of his assessments so far but I'm trying so hard not to stress and to concentrate on what we can do to help his future

I do feel let down by the school. Not one person returned our daily calls. I dont feel they've done anything to support us other than telling us we have to try and get him in. Thats it, the odd email saying when he's there he's fine but every question we've asked is met with a blank silence and and I don't know'

My biggest concern now is what if he doesn't get a place at 6th form? What happens next. Obviously getting him help and support which we have now started with speaking to doctor is most important but its the next stage of his education that's worrying me. I don't want his whole future defined by him not being emotionally able to deal with the shit that's gone on the last 14 months

Oh @SamW98 - sorry to hear your DS is still struggling 💐

As a parent it really is heartbreaking and extremely stressful to cope with isn’t it. However, it does sound like you are a fantastic mum and are doing all you can to support your DS and advocate for his future options.

You have been so strong and proactive in emailing the school and talking to the GP, please don’t let catastrophic thinking (very common when you are anxious — I’ve been there got the T-shirt!) derail you. As you have previously said, it is most important to get your DS’s mental health back on track 😊

Hopefully it will all work out fine - your DS will get the grades he needs based on previous work and his mental health will improve and allow him to continue into 6th form.

However, if things don’t go to plan, educational opportunities will always be there in the future whenever he is ready. I’ve struggled to come to terms with this in relation to my DD. She may not take a conventional path, but she will find her way, and so will your DS. Their (and our) health and happiness comes before everything else 🌼🌸

Thank you. I'm trying not to worry about things that might never happen and concentrate on the here and now. Worrying doesn't help and doesn't change where we are now

I feel so sorry for him as he's come so far and he really is trying but he just can't crack that last little step. And he's not one to open up. Both his dad and I have tried to speak to him but he's not ready. the fact he spoke to the doctor I feel is a massive step forward. he only told her about his physical symptoms but he spoke to her which I didn't expect

We promised he could do an online trading course if he passed his assessments and I'm still going to let him do that as its something that really interests him and it will keep his brain active over the next few months. And maybe that will give him a stepping stone to think about an apprenticeship rather than college but its totally his call when he's ready to make it

Glad to hear your DD is finding her own path. As much as this is a very hard and stressful time, its not forever and they will all find their own way in life even if it takes a little longer.

Different times I know but his dad left school with no qualifications, got on an apprenticeship scheme with the post office and all these years later he's a senior manager. I started life as an office junior (that job title dates me) and I ended up managing a team of 20+ people in an investment firm. So yes there are other paths and I have every faith my DS will come through when he's ready

Start of another week and I am so angry with my ex husband.

DS been really chilled and happy over the weekend and said he would go in today at 11.
I had a job interview at 10 so I asked his dad (my ex) to come over to mine and get him sorted. So the ex turned up 30 minutes earlier than I asked him to and rather than just get my son ready here, he told him to get up and go back to his and get sorted. My son really didn't want to but his dad shouted at him to just get up and get on with it.

I ended up going to my interview stressed with my son texting me saying his dad was shouting and him and threw water at him to get up.

My ex seems to be under the impression my son isn't making any effort to go to school which couldn't be further from the truth.

My sion is home now and I can see he's gone into himself. He's got football training at 8 which will cheer him up but I really am so angry with his dad right now

OP, I don’t know about school refusal as mine was one of those who hated online school, did the bare minimum and was practically sprinting to school when it opened and I am praying that there is no more lockdown ever.
But what I do know is that not doing or not doing well in GCSEs at 16 is not the end of the road. I hope if you can keep this in mind you can focus on his well being without thinking he has ruined his life.
Friends son was never very academic and passed only a few GCSEs (meaning c+) but not English or maths a few years ago. He went to college and did a creative arts course and had to redo English and maths GCSEs so there must be college courses that kids can do who have not got 5 or 6 passes- I think he only had 3 and not the important ones. He passed English at 17 and maths at 18 as well his course. From 18-20 he did a level 3 course equivalent to A levels at the same college and now at 20 has a uni place starting in the autumn.

Sorry to hear about your continuing problems with your son, Sam. Surely if he wants to stay at his school, they will let him given they know him and his prior history? Having said that, it's quite likely his anxiety will continue and a college course might be preferable? A level 1 course doesn't require any GCSEs and would be fairly untaxing, so might work as a way of him returning to education. Level 2 is around 4 GCSEs but they can be 3s or 4s. Level 3 equivalent to A levels but a good pass at level 2 is also a way to access the course if you don't have the 5 or so GCSE passes.

My dd continued to be on / off re attending school - we worked out she was avoiding certain lessons (maths and English, most unhelpfully) and certain days, so always went in at least 2 days in the week. She missed some planned assessments but did catch up on them. They then had 2 weeks of exams and she went in for all of them to our utter relief! Not sure how well prepared she was, given her reluctance to revise, but at least she did them. She only missed Geog which we had asked she withdraw from - they tried to make her go in the next day to do it, but she refused.

She's under CAMHS and we finally got a detailed letter from her CAMHS worker for the school explaining her issues and how she was unable to work to her true ability because of them, which will hopefully be taken into account. But not too worried as we think she will get the college course and has really good work experience references to back her up.

Just happy it's all over for now.....it's been stressful since the first lockdown and much worse since January. I'm lucky my DH has been supportive and he works from home. However she mostly refused point blank to let him help her with revision - better with me but then I was out at work.

Just hoping having nothing much to do for months won't send her into a depressive state again....

I have said to him about doing a Btec rather than A levels but he's adamant he wants to do his favourite subjects - which he did well with his mocks

The other issue is we don't have a college in our town, only schools with 6th forms. the nearest college in the next town is away from public transport. he's been offered a place for a Business and Finance Btec but he is insistent he wants to do A levels at his schools 6th form.

He really psyched himself up and went into school on the last day. His friends and teachers were all so pleased to see him and we got a lovely card from both his form tutor and his pastoral manager. Silly thing is he is so happy when he's there. I was waiting outside for ages while he was in playground walking round chatting to his mates.
I'm enjoying this week actually not having to stress about getting him out of bed and sorry if this sounds a bit selfish but its nice not to revolve my whole day around his anxiety.

Very interested in this topic as my 14yr old daughter is refusing to go to school. She had anxiety related issues for an year or so, but we thought that was a thing of the past. She does very well in her studies inspite of not spending much time with her studies. I believe she used to grasp most during lessons rather than reading through stuff. Since lockdown I did notice she stayed in bed until I give her a stern warning to be out . Couple of weeks back she had a meltdown, and now refuses to go to school. We spent an hour pleading, saying, telling her to get off bed and get ready. She cries uncontrollably and we sort of manage to get her out of the house. She is sad and angry, and does not know why she does not like school. At school, she cannot focus and does not stay in the class for too long and goes to matron's room.
We contacted GP and CAMHS, but they all snowed under and we are in the waiting list. I tried getting help from a therapist, but even they are not taking in new patients. I have no idea what's going on, and am struggling . It's quite painful to watch the always happy, bright girl descend to this situation. Thanks

@APA19

Your situation sounds very similar to mine and a lot of others on here.
DD (14 next week) started having a similar reaction to school in oct last year and hasn't been in since. It's been a very long and difficult year/ path. I know how isolating and scary it is. Things are starting to look up here but we are not out of the woods yet. My advice is:

Try not to panic about the school / education right now. I know this sounds crazy as school is just what everyone does but this is a much more common issue than people realise. It was described like this to me: if your child is struggling to go into school then take the immediate pressure off them. The talking/ persuading that we all do will have no impact. If there is an underlying MH issue then that comes first. Good Mental health is the foundation for being able to go into school (the building blocks) so if that's not in place the rest crumbles. Taking the immediate pressure off her to go into school may well create some headspace for her and both of you to figure out what the issue is.

Secondly yes CAMHS is a long wait. In the mean time. I would make sure you you try and engage the school as much as possible. Some are better than others. Depending on your area, many are completely overwhelmed with the covid resurgence at the moment. Ask if they have an educational welfare officer who could help.

Thirdly. If you are on Facebook there is a really helpful group on there called 'not fine in school' . It's very useful.

Finally have you looked into any potential diagnoses for her? A lot of things such as ADHD / ASD / OCD are thrown up around this age group in girls. I had to seek a private diagnosis for DD as the waiting list was so long. I would say that going through the system however long the wait is is far better (in my experience- others may say different) as schools are more engaged with a CAMHS diagnosis.

Good luck.

Sorry one last point.
DD has recently been prescribed sertraline for anxiety and depression. It's been a month now and the change in her is very significant.. to the point where she is taking about trying school again after not going in since October. I know there are lots of views re meds and I'm hoping it won't be forever but our situation was so bad that I would have tried anything. I'm really glad we have. Again I think it needs to be a psychiatrist who prescribes them. If you can get an appt at your GP I would.