15 year old school refusal after lockdown

[SamW98]

Hi all. New here and at my wits end. My 15 year old son is refusing to go back to school after lockdown saying he's ill (which he's not). It seems like anxiety and we have been speaking to his school who are being supportive but every day he is making up excuses and refusing to go.

We had this the last few days before the Dec lockdown as well and I just wondered if anyone has any experience or ideas as I'm at breaking point

Are any of your DC taking medication? Wondering how long before mine feels the benefit.
He's been in for 2 hours on one morning this week. Said he would go this morning and didn't.
Got a generic email from school about Year 10 assessments starting in June and good luck to everyone.
Feel miserable.

MackenCheese

Me too ! I work like a maniac but the staggered start time had been an issue as had to leave a few meetings

IF both are in I start the first meetings totally exhausted

Regarding med , I do give DC melatonin in his hot chocolate

If I don’t he doesn’t sleep 💤

As I can’t even see a GP
I read up and decided this was OK for us

Otherwise he is on tech till 3am

Evening all

I’ve realised there is often a Sunday evening meltdown
I’m navigating and managed to get him in bath (thanks to god ) but he is always miserable Sunday’s and takes out on me and sibling

I’m also struggling with how we get this part time to stick

I think for the meantime shorter days better but I feel like a shit parent for even asking for it

Like I just roll over and let him have what he wants

I think we need to up the MH advice and support to be honest

Thanks 🙏 all

I've been thinking that a childhood diagnosis of anxiety, asd, adhd or whatever, esp.if it is impacting school attendance should come with parental counselling/support. You cannot function effectively if you spend too much time thinking you are failing. We are not failing as parents just because we can't get our kids into school (at least that's what I tell myself!)

Only just found this thread. Same issue here with y11 daughter. She's always been anxious on and off throughout secondary but worse since the first lockdown last year and much worse since December when she missed 4 weeks of school and one set of mocks. Went back to school ok in March and did some mocks but this term has been a nightmare. Some full day refusals, some where she's gone in happily and others when she has gone in at break or lunchtime. She is constantly having to catch up on missed assessments that count towards her final grades, so that adds to the stress. This is her last week before a fortnight of tests. She avoids certain lessons through various fears (eg if she can't sit next to a friend) and has attended no maths or English lessons since Easter, which means she is missing all the information needed for certain tests.

She wants to do a level 3 BTEC in college and only needs 5 GCSEs (has one already) so we asked school if she could drop one subject but now hates going in when they have a double lesson of that as it means two hours on her own revising in the library. (Most lessons were doubled in September to avoid movement round the school).

Just dreading this week and what will happen when she has the tests. She could do a lower course at college next year but she'll hate herself if she doesn't get the GCSEs.

Amotherlife - so similar to my own story. DS always been a bit anxious but nothing that affected his life, he was just a bit of a worrier.

He was ok after first lockdown but had a bit of a meltdown over his mocks. Grades were not brilliant but not horrendous.
Then there was a COVID case in his friend group and his whole year was sent to home school 2 weeks before end of term then lockdown so it meant he was home from 8th Dec until schools reopened in March and that where it started to get to where we are now.

He's a bright kid and had COVID not happened he would have easily got 6/7 in all subjects. Now he's struggling to scrape 5's - he's got a conditional place at 6th form to to A levels but obviously needs the grades. He's also got a back up offer to study Business and Finance BTEC at another college nearby but think he'll be gutted if he doesn't get to do his A levels

I'm the same as you with the subjects he's not great at. I've told him to concentrate on the ones he knows he can pass and aim to get 6's in those.

Hugs out to you all

How is everyone
Both mine missed today
Bloody great 👍
But I’ve sorted some therapy for me
And a psychiatrist appt for my refuser
I’ll have to fuxking bribe him to attend
But past caring now

Hope those who didn’t attend managed to breeeaaaaaathe

So thanks
MackenCheese

So far DD missed all of Monday, went in all day yesterday and completed a test she missed last week. Last night she messaged me saying she can't manage today. To be fair, there's only one lesson she has worth going to, so maybe she can be persuaded just to go in to that. It's not just the pressure of assessments, basically she is fearing the upcoming transition. Her school don't have a sixth form, so everyone has to leave and she hasn't had the chance to visit the college she will go to due to Covid. She slept all yesterday evening, due to stress / depression.

Sorry above from Sundance- I switch usernames quite often!

Meant Sundance is me, getting confused.

Hello all. Can I join please? I have just read this thread in tears and I can relate to so much of it. I am on MN a lot so I can't believe I have missed this thread.

My DD (year 9) hasn't been in since October. Like some others she was ok in the lockdown but it's the idea of physical school for her. She was diagnosed with ADHD in November and I think it's based around how much trouble she was getting into in class and how she was struggling to keep up and the shame associated with it pre diagnosis.

I think she has either depression or anxiety she refuses to communicate with the CAMHS outreach worker who visits weekly (she wants to make an assessment to see what could help her.. anti anxiety meds, cbt, talking therapy etc) Butt his can't happen if she refuses to communicate so we have been stuck for months.

The school have been ok ..intermittently. We have having a visit from the EWO today who seems lovely but understandably she wants to talk to DD who internalises everything and wont talk. I had to tell her (with trepidation as she in prone to angry outbursts and self harming when stress) that this was happening, it's just a chat, supportive etc and nothing to be worried about and her low mood got worse. She cried for the afternoon abs last night I saw she had got cuts all over her cheeks.

I like some of you am really struggling and have been for a long time. She has also refused to go to her Dad's so I am dealing with this largely on my own apart from when he sends me the odd text or jumps on a zoom call about it. I also feel like my life is on hold and also have my DM saying this like 'well can't you just tell her she HAS to go to school. This didn't happen in my day etc' !

I don't know what to do any more either. I feel like there is no joy in life at the moment. It's 2 good with her. The school refusal and seeing her so low and sad the whole time. I feel so lost but glad to have found this thread Thankyou.. (and there is some hope in this thread too- well done to everyone who is in this just for surviving this far irrespective of whether your DC is going in or not some days)

2 fold not 2 good!!

Sorry for the long post..

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit

I'm in the same situation as you.
My year 9 ds was diagnosed with ADHD last October, but the meds they put him on are just not working and I have requested a medication review at CAHMS. I have told them about his anxiety and panic attacks but they refuse to put him on any anti anxiety medication.

I'm currently sat here near to tears as he is refusing to go to school. He doesn't say he feels ill, just very tired and can't wake up. I don't know what to say to school as having them come to my house is not an option ( my ds would point blank refuse to see anyone)

This is very stressful and draining. His father died so I'm doing this on my own and it feels relentless.

@weleasewoderick23

Sorry to hear that you are similar. I totally relate re CAMHS and the meds. I had to get a private ADHD assessment as the waiting list so long and I haven't been impressed with the care at all. Cahms keeps saying that they can't simply prescribe anti anxiety meds (or move forward with anything) until they know she is on the right meds and she will communicate. It's the communicating that's the bigger of the 2 issues. Every article I read says something along the lines of 'if you have a teen who is reluctant to communicate, a skilled practitioner will be able to find a way of making this happen'

It hasn't happened.

My DD self harmed yesterday when I told her that the Educational welfare officer was coming to the house. I don't think I will be able to get her downstairs let along talk. Slightly dreading it.

On attempts to get her into action she has panic attacks and describes herself as 'freezing'. It's all anxiety based. I have thought about seeking a private CBT therapist but maybe I am clutching at straws as that would also involve her communicating..

Sorry not to be of more use. How long has he been off for?

Hi to those of you who this is relevant.

I have just had the educational welfare officer round for a meeting. I have spoken to her before as had DD but not met. She was so lovely and even managed to get DD downstairs to engage with her a little bit. I know there is an EWO who has commented on this thread but I didn't really understand what her remit was until she explained it properly (the linchpin between the family and home, and making recommendations to the school and the family as to the best way forward. Also working with DDs CAMHS person)

DD has been off school for a long time now so maybe that's why she is becoming more of a feature in our lives but it felt like a positive step forward. It has taken a bit of chasing from me to get this far where as I thought they would be chasing me but I Suspect they are overloaded at the moment.

I just wanted to hi light it in case anyone else was at a similar stage.

also have my DM saying this like 'well can't you just tell her she HAS to go to school. This didn't happen in my day etc' !

Oh yes ! My mother is being actually really supportive but I get this so much
It’s such a lonely place as people
So think and say this
Then you feel even shitter
So I’m withdrawing a bit as I can’t communicate as people will just say shit like that

I’ve realised this week that we have a problem , I have a problem and actually my mental health needs fixing first if I am to help
Him

@Thisisworsethananticpated
Yes no one gets it do they? It's a very lonely place. I have 2 v close friends who I talk to about it but that's it. I have become less sociable and communicative in general as one of the first questions (or worse still the main topics of conversation) is 'so how is X ?' (DD) so my social circle is getting smaller. You are right ... I keep thinking I need done professional help too. I have had therapy in the past but not sure it's a traditional therapist job. Any thoughts?

I just lost my post
But I think therapy , as gruelling as it it is helpful
Especially when you have an echo chamber of well
Meant but totally useless parenting advice

The best thing I watched was haim Omer
m.youtube.com/watch?v=I_39pn1Rf7E

This approach has so much compassion for the parents
And it’s kind of useful
I’ve used both the sit in and ‘strike when iron is cold’
However you need to be a in a good place to practice it

💪 onwards

Well it was too good to be true. After 2 weeks of going in every day without too much of a struggle, he has his first GCSE assessment today and he's refusing to leave the house. he's just sitting crying and won't talk to me and so that's one exam he won't be getting a grade for

The most important two weeks of his young life and he's shut down after a good spell

@SamW98

Well it was too good to be true. After 2 weeks of going in every day without too much of a struggle, he has his first GCSE assessment today and he's refusing to leave the house. he's just sitting crying and won't talk to me and so that's one exam he won't be getting a grade for

The most important two weeks of his young life and he's shut down after a good spell

Oh no! I'm really sorry to hear this. Let the school know urgently and see if they can defer the exam date for him. I know university does this, not sure about school exams. You've done all you can. My ds has also stopped after a 3 week run. I don't have the words to change the situation. It's so frustrating aaargh! Sending strength and patience for you today. I'm in a similar boat 😕

We just have to breathe through the bad days
And they are bad
Contact school

And breathe

It’s bloody hard but there are always going to be bad days like this

💪

I know we have good and bad days but of all the days its the first day of his GCSE assessments and one of those he's now missed is a subject he wants to do at A level

He's shut down and refusing to talk to me or his dad.

We've phoned school but their response was 'well you need to try and get him here' - what do they think we are doing??

We have asked the question to the school what happens if he does miss assessments? Their response was 'oh I don't know'

All I want is to get through these next few weeks, have a nice summer with him, do what we can to get him the help he needs and then start afresh in September but my worry is now what if he doesn't get a place at 6th form or college

Its a bad day

Thanks for this thread, I've only just seen it but I'm in exactly the same position with my DS17. Not going to school, self harming and being vile to me.

We are with CAMHS counsellor and also just started on low dose antidepressants which I hope will start to work soon.

It been a tough year and I'm exhausted.

Good luck to all struggling 💐