15 year old school refusal after lockdown

[SamW98]

Hi all. New here and at my wits end. My 15 year old son is refusing to go back to school after lockdown saying he's ill (which he's not). It seems like anxiety and we have been speaking to his school who are being supportive but every day he is making up excuses and refusing to go.

We had this the last few days before the Dec lockdown as well and I just wondered if anyone has any experience or ideas as I'm at breaking point

So we've managed a full week of DS going in without much of a struggle. Ok, he has been going in at 11 in time for break rather than a full day but to do a full 5 days is a massive step forward

Its made me feel much calmer and hopefully we've turned a corner

That's great @SamW98 . We've had two weeks of every day too, which is the first time since before the lockdown I think. Only two or three lessons every day but that's in line with expectations at the moment.

I broadly agree with the conversation above about whether punishment works, and I don't feel hugely comfortable using it... however I can't deny that we've seen some shift in behaviour because taking away devices and forcing my child to have to interact with me all evening is quite the motivator right now. I will say that we are providing help for mental health concurrently... we had an in-person appointment with the CAMHS psychiatrist and ADHD nurse specialist which was really helpful, although it's taken months to get to the stage where they can actually get some useful answers to questions that then allow them to formulate a treatment plan, v likely to include more and/or different medication.

I know it doesn't help any of us right now but I was reading an interesting article about teenage sleep patterns and a study did say that schools starting at 11 and ending at 5 would be far more suitable for teenage brains. Also students preform better in tests in the afternoon and yet their assessments seem to be early in the morning

Hope all of us have a positive week

Hello
Well done all
We’ve had a terrible week
Excuses and fake injuries

However I’ve realised that me stressing isn’t helping , and it’s stressful !!!
Ha !
Im going to try and target shorter days like you all here
And ask his school therapist for her take

It’s baffling and complex

And it feels like it’s taken over
My
Life

Not going well here this week either. He didn't make it yesterday and today its a struggle and I can't see it happening

My biggest concern is his assessments start next week and if he can't get in for them, he won't get into 6th form

After feeling so positive I now feel deflated.

I've taken time out between jobs to make sure he gets through this and I feel like a failure - its hardest thing I've ever dealt with as a parent

@SamW98 I hear you and thank you for saying that you've had to take time out of work. I've really struggled to know how the hell I'm supposed to deal with this additional support my DC requires on and off, don't quite know when, throughout the day.... and hold down a job. I'm hugely lucky in that my job down is done entirely WFH and my boss is exceptionally understanding that I won't be available at certain times of the day eg getting ready for school time.

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well this week, it's such a rollercoaster we're all on. We had an awful time on Monday afternoon: stormed off out of the house from nowhere without saying where they were going or when they were coming back , eventually got a flurry of texts telling me what an awful parent and person I am. We had to drive out to pick them up from somebody's doorstep in the cold and dark, but they have actually still gone in yesterday and today - they really do hate this threat of devices being taken away - and I hate using it but I've started to be 'threatened' with the EWO.

And now the school have suggested a referral to social services via a CAF - has anyone else had that experience?

I’m ever so sorry

It’s hard as there is no real advice or path forward
It’s a grey and murky area falling between mental health , parenting etc

Sending

Of all the shit I’ve dealt with this is stressing me the most

I actually want for social services to come kick my butt on this

Hes not budging today. He's texted his dad and said he didn't sleep all night and got a bad headache - which isn't true

School want to do a Zoom call with him later today which he's saying he won't do

I know its about him and not me but I feel like my entire life on hold. Doesn't help that my mum said to be that its probably coz he sees me at home all day that is making him like this - thanks mum ffs

Yes the school attendance officer pointed out with me at home all day he is pretty comfy here

He has so many excuses
Yesterday he sprained his foot
He has faked vomit 🤮
He fell on pavement

Sending 💪💪💪

It’s very unsettling and like you it takes over my life

Yes, it's horrible! They can be so manipulative. Yesterday my ds had the orthodontist then made all sorts of excuses not to go into school 🙄. He managed 4 days last week, and has gone in today but it feel like it's all still hanging by a very thin thread.... We are DEFINITELY all in this together. Sending strength and extra patience....

Sorry to hear it's a tough week all round. My DS went in today but it's the only day this week I'm free to drive him in.
I feel so guilty going to work tomorrow but if I was at home there's no guarantee he would go in.
I can't win!
I'm so worn down and now my youngest is starting to get anxious. Our house is so full of stress and tension.
I spoke with the Headteacher who told me 'there's no magic answer'
Helpful

Have you tried to apply any of the schools strategies at home. School refusel is often grounded in anxities, so if you havent already I would try to talk him through what going to school actually looks like and feels like step by step ( The car ride, how he enters the building, what lessons he likes and dislikes, describing the environment) . As someone else said it's very likley he won't know how to verbalise his worries, so talking him through each step of going to school might help him uncover what it is he's most worried about. He may talk to you about this in which case you could help him come up with some coping strategies, or "escape" plans. But even if he doesnt outright talk to you about his issues it can at least help him notice a bit more about what his worries are.

I don’t think anyone has an easy answer
We have now stuck with reduced days
He came back fairly happy yesterday

But once the excuses starts as he has had a bad day , then I’ll be all anxious again

The main advice I’ve been given is to praise him
And to take it one day at a time
I can’t help but fall into a crushing sadness and anxiety when he misses a day but I think I need to manage that

I've felt like that @Thisisworsethananticpated - like my mood is soooo affected by what's happening with him. I can get really down about it and then I start avoiding what I'm supposed to be doing.

It’s very consuming

In their heads school is optional and a pain , they totally don’t get it

In our (well mine !!) heads it’s mandatory
They will fail life if they don’t get educated
We will be prosecuted
Taken to court
He will be living with me gaming till I die
Etc etc !!!!

I feel terrible as my
Younger one tried it on today and I went totally mental on him

Gah 😩

We haven't really had anything from the school other than we need to be trying to get him in every day and to keep them updates - that's it

Because he's Y11 and only got a few weeks left, they don't seem concerned anymore which I do get but it doesn't help us when its our son

And with mine, it really seems to be more generalised anxiety than being about school as the days he's there he's happy as can be. Laughing joking chatting with his mates and getting on with it. Its the getting him out of bed and out of the house that's the issue

We definitely have the struggle with them not getting why they would go.... it's boring, I don't like the subject, I don't care about getting educated because I want to die anyway, I don't care about your legal responsibility.... it's kind of hard if they have zero motivation or understanding whatsoever. Every person outside this situation imagines that my child must be nursing some secret long-term passion or plan and that's going to carry them through... well, no, not now, they're depressed and they're completely incapable of any long-term thinking.

Well today is a good day. Managed to get him in just after 10.30 without too much of a struggle. Hes like a different boy today, chatty joking and just like his old self.

One day at a time, that's all we can do

@ThankYouDebbie I could have written that. I've written a separate thread so as nit to derail but DD was told today by her head of year that there were serious legal repercussions for me if she doesn't go to school and I just thought - she's not doing this deliberately! What good is it to pile that pressure on?!

One day at a time indeed

IF he can’t attend tomorrow or won’t I’ll try very hard to stay calm
As me getting angry about it won’t help his MH problems

I have to say the shorter days suit him - happiness wise
Just not necessarily education wise

Got him in at 10.30 again today - week ended better than it started definitely.

Hope you all ok today

Hi @SamW98 - good to hear. We've had a whole week of going in for three lessons [out of five] every day, which everybody thinks is good, even if my DC disagrees. And they're seeing a friend after school today, which is almost unheard of.

Meeting with CAMHS today for my DC's available parents/stepparents, meeting with the Head of year to review the timetable on Monday morning, meeting to go through the CAF with the pastoral support lead next Thursday.... see what I mean about needing a flexible line manager I don't know how people manage.

I wfh permanently because I work for an overseas company. They have no idea of the shenanigans going on here with school!! My ds has done 3 full days this week, so I consider that a success.... I hope all of your meetings go well