Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 year old school refusal after lockdown

204 replies

SamW98 · 17/03/2021 13:33

Hi all. New here and at my wits end. My 15 year old son is refusing to go back to school after lockdown saying he's ill (which he's not). It seems like anxiety and we have been speaking to his school who are being supportive but every day he is making up excuses and refusing to go.

We had this the last few days before the Dec lockdown as well and I just wondered if anyone has any experience or ideas as I'm at breaking point

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/03/2021 20:16

Thanks @TikaSarnie unfortunately at ds' school even with a toilet pass you have to wait for a supervisor to escort you to the loo, to make sure you don't come into contact with any other year bubbles. What ds does is refuse to eat or drink anything after 6am, so he is dehydrated and hungry by the time I pick him up at 3pm Sad I might see if I can persuade the school to let him go unaccompanied, we already have a letter from the GP that says he should be allowed to go whenever he needs to.

We've been on a lengthy kidney investigation as he initially had urinary problems more than bowel ones. All clear there I think. IBS certainly fits the symptoms so thanks for that tip.

Original poster
SamW98 · 20/03/2021 10:32

Thank you all for your responses. I tried speaking to him yesterday but he shut down. I'm not even sure he knows what's worrying him if I'm honest. When he is at school he's absolutely fine in fact he enjoys it. When his dad picked him up on Thursday, he said he could see him in the playground laughing and joking with a group of boys.

I do agree that there is an argument that from now on its only revision and so there isn't a necessity to be in school full time and the school have sent all the kids a document showing them what they need to revisit to prep for the assessments.

We have a meeting on Tuesday with his pastoral care manager just to talk about how we can move forward. I hope we can get through this year and start him at college with a clean slate - but just need to get those assessments done

OP posts:
Original poster
SamW98 · 22/03/2021 11:23

Better update today - he's gone in at 11 in time for break and there was no arguing, not struggle, he was up bathed had breakfast and dressed.

Thats a great start to the week as Monday is normally his worst day so fingers crossed for the rest of the week

Hope all of you and yours are doing well

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 22/03/2021 11:37

That’s really great!!!! 👏🏼👏🏼Good luck with the rest of the week.

Dd positively bounced this morning. Still managed to complain she hated it, but was like a totally different child.

SingToTheSky · 22/03/2021 12:10

Just seen this thread but glad to see your latest update. Expect fits and starts in progress - if he has other refusal episodes it doesn’t mean you’re back to square one, he is probably just getting burned out quickly as it’s still so new after a long time away. 💐

Original poster
SamW98 · 23/03/2021 10:05

Thank you. Having more of a struggle today. He's promising to go in for break at 11 but he's grunting and grouchy.
I'm not hopeful but staying calm and encouraging

Fingers crossed

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/03/2021 10:09

One step forward, two steps back.

He’s doing well

Cuddling57 · 23/03/2021 10:31

It's so hard for them and you isn't it!
My DS year 11 is going in but will NOT talk to me about homework/revision. He is fine talking about everything else! I don't think he is doing enough and I worry he won't get 4s which he needs to do his Btec in business. My DS is also into trading! It's so hard to deal with. I haven't got any advise just sympathy.

Original poster
SamW98 · 23/03/2021 11:20

@Cuddling57

It's so hard for them and you isn't it! My DS year 11 is going in but will NOT talk to me about homework/revision. He is fine talking about everything else! I don't think he is doing enough and I worry he won't get 4s which he needs to do his Btec in business. My DS is also into trading! It's so hard to deal with. I haven't got any advise just sympathy.
My son wants to go into trading and I do tell him that he needs to just get through these next few months, get good enough grades to do either A levels or a BTECH in Business then start fresh from September. We've also promised we will let him do an online trading course in the summer if he gets the grades.

He's in school now. Despite a slow start he bathed, had breakfast and was there for break at 11 so at least he'll do 3 hours of lessons again today. that's 3 out of 4 days he's gone in - a huge step forward.

OP posts:
Cuddling57 · 23/03/2021 16:28

Glad he is back in today.
Would he accept a 'bribe'?! You could set him up with an online trading account and for every day or week he goes in put £10 in it for him to do some trading?
Unfortunately (?) my son won't accept a bribe (!) but enjoys using his own money to buy shares.

FiveNightsAtMummys · 23/03/2021 16:32

Going through a similar thing with younger dc. There seems to be alot of anxious kids at the min with everything they've had to go through this past year I really feel for them.
Anxiety does make u feel physical symptoms so maybe he does feel ill because of anxiety but seems OK after he doesn't go because his anxiety has reduced then. I hope he is OK.

Iootraw1 · 23/03/2021 20:38

Sorry to hear you and your son are going through this. I just wanted to reach out to you as a mum of a teenager who went through the same thing. My DD was 13 when she became depressed and socially anxious and started to refuse to go to school . All I could think about was her lost education and I put pressure on her because of this worry I had which did nothing but worsen the situation as well as our relationship. It took a psychotherapist to help her and also counsel us (her parents) to understand the best way to respond to this. My DD went onto anti depressants which took her a good few weeks to settle down on them but helped her immensely. She is currently attending school with no signs of social anxiety and back to how she was (personality wise) pre depression. You will find as you described that some days are better than others. Take a day at a time. Remind yourself that your son actually has his whole young life to sort himself out with qualifications if he so wishes and that this year isn’t his final opportunity. His mental health must come first and that is the priority. Sounds like you understand this and are doing a fantastic job dealing with it so far. I can tell you I had days where I literally sobbed when she refused to go in to school thinking it was all down hill from there - but I was wrong she got through it when I was able to prioritise her MH first and deal with that and your son will too as long as he has your continued love and support.

Original poster
SamW98 · 24/03/2021 11:35

Thank you so much for all of your kind and supportive words.

He's gone in at break (11am) again today so that's 3 days running I've managed to get him to school without too much grief. As much as I would love him to be doing the full day, he's taken huge steps forward from where we were this time last week and so I will continue to celebrate the positives and slowly encourage steps forward.

I have offered a bit of a bribe which might have helped. Its his birthday in a fortnight and I've told him for each day he goes to school I will let him have some money from his savings account (where I put his CB) to spend on his birthday.

He had his conditional offer for 6th form today so that's given him something to aim for but no pressure from me or his dad.
He's also starting up 6 a side football again from Monday and helping out in the Easter holidays with a primary school age football club. I hope getting back to doing this sort of thing that he enjoys will help him feel more 'normal' again as we start to move forward with life.

Really appreciate everyones kind words smile

OP posts:
Original poster
SamW98 · 13/04/2021 09:04

Morning all. Well its 2 steps forward 2 steps back after the easter break. DS turned 16 in the holidays and still did very little in way of revision

Yesterday was first day back at school and he stayed at his dads Sunday night. He got in for 9 and all seemed well. Last night he even went back to his 6 a side football and was really happy and chatty afterwards.

This morning he got up, had a bath then refused to eat his breakfast saying he doesn't feel well (his standard response when the school refusal is coming) he has gone back to bed, won't get up and is saying he will go in at break - though I'm not convinced.

His assessments are getting closer and closer and I'm scared this will mess up his whole future. Its starting to get me really down to the point I'm now feeling stressed and anxious and tearful all the time.

He doesn't mess his dad about as much as he does me but his dad is working and its quite difficult for him to stay there in the week

Really just don't know what to do anymore - its a nightmare

OP posts:
trunumber · 13/04/2021 09:13

Can you afford some CBT therapy for him? It can be done online but with anxiety I think he needs a proper graded exposure plan and some thought challenging techniques. Look at the babcp website or find a clinical or counselling or educational psychologist for it

MackenCheese · 13/04/2021 09:20

Thank God, I'm not alone. My ds13 has refused to set foot in school since lockdown 3.0. He has ASD and PDA and wouldn't engage with online learning or go in for the provision (he has an ehcp). When school opened on 8th March he refused to go so we tried a dry run up to the school gates and back but the next day his class had to isolate!! So we're back to square one and praying for a fresh start on 19th. I'm trying to be lighthearted about it and come up with crazy/amusing reasons to tell his friends why they haven't seen him since Christmas......
I recommend just a trip up to the gate to start with, and keep communications with the school open.

Original poster
SamW98 · 13/04/2021 09:44

@trunumber

Can you afford some CBT therapy for him? It can be done online but with anxiety I think he needs a proper graded exposure plan and some thought challenging techniques. Look at the babcp website or find a clinical or counselling or educational psychologist for it
He refuses to admit he has a problem. We got him an initial consultation with a counselling service about 18 months ago as he's always had anxiety to some degree. He did the assessment and was then offered counselling but when his appointment came up he refused to go saying he was fine

We've spoken to them again and they said he can do a zoom session but again he's refused saying he doesn't have anxiety

He won't talk to either me or his dad about how hes feeling. Its not school that's the issue as when he does get there he's absolutely fine. He's got a good bunch of mates who he saw yesterday for football - its hard as if he won't talk to us its very difficult to help

OP posts:
Elderflower2016 · 13/04/2021 10:21

Sounds like you are doing brilliantly in a very stressful situation.
In a non-distressed moment it may be helpful for you, him, his dad to look at a simple avoidance-anxiety cycle diagram which you can google.

Avoidance creates avoidance

If he’s better at going in from his dads then maybe his dad could shuffle work times/ location just for a couple of weeks?

I feel your pain. Keep going.

Original poster
SamW98 · 13/04/2021 10:29

Thank you. His dad only lives a couple of miles away and we have a reasonably amicable relationship so we do work together regarding DS

He's going to stay at his dads tonight. I've spoken to school and they are supportive. They know its all since lockdown as he was an absolutely model pupil prior to the last year.

I hate the fact this last year has caused my DS and so many other kids anxiety issues and affected their future

OP posts:
Elderflower2016 · 13/04/2021 10:44

Yes I do have a lot of empathy for you -working in this field and having teenagers. Only saving grace I am holding on to is that life is difficult and learning strategies and building resilience now will be helpful as adults.

trunumber · 13/04/2021 10:50

Was it counselling with a counsellor? If so I'm not sure that's what he needs (that would be a space to talk rather then practical skills that CBT would offer)

Elderflower2016 · 13/04/2021 10:58

Online counselling free for teens with qualified counsellors via Kooth

Original poster
SamW98 · 13/04/2021 11:03

He won't speak to anyone, he won't go online or do any zoom sessions. He just says there's nothing wrong he's just doesn't feel well

School have said they will do a doorstop visit if he's not in tomorrow to see if that does any good.

Hes a really bright boy and the answer is in his own hands but there's a wall he's put up and everything we do to try and help he refuses

OP posts:
Choufleur · 16/04/2021 12:28

DS (very nearly 15) is at home today, says he's having palpitations and feel sick about going to school and feels that way in some lessons.

He's recently started having private counselling sessions but is so down on school it's hard to motivate him.

Elderflower2016 · 16/04/2021 12:52

How are things? Wondered if it was worth acknowledging the physical feeling ill feelings by booking him into GP? They could do some checks then if they find nothing they could talk to him about links between worries and physical pain if that is appropriate?