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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 year old school refusal after lockdown

204 replies

SamW98 · 17/03/2021 13:33

Hi all. New here and at my wits end. My 15 year old son is refusing to go back to school after lockdown saying he's ill (which he's not). It seems like anxiety and we have been speaking to his school who are being supportive but every day he is making up excuses and refusing to go.

We had this the last few days before the Dec lockdown as well and I just wondered if anyone has any experience or ideas as I'm at breaking point

OP posts:
Original poster
SamW98 · 24/04/2021 13:41

Really sorry to hear that others are going through the same thing. Its so tough.
I imagine sadly this is the tip of the iceberg and that there are many kids out there finding it hard to get back to normal life. I know that friends of mine are anxious about going back to work after a year WFH - its been the most shit year we've ever had to deal with and its definitely had a huge impact on mental health

I can't offer anything other than to say keep trying, don't get stressed (easier said than done) and to keep engaging with the school.

As hard as this is, I have come to the mindset now that our kids MH is more important than anything else and that's priority.

OP posts:
MackenCheese · 26/04/2021 11:38

Update: My ds went into school today for the first time since Christmas! I'm so happy. Just praying he'll go in all week now. Good luck everyone 😊🙏

Original poster
SamW98 · 26/04/2021 12:01

@MackenCheese

Update: My ds went into school today for the first time since Christmas! I'm so happy. Just praying he'll go in all week now. Good luck everyone 😊🙏
Fantastic. Hope you are really proud of him and yourself

Mine made it in for break time at 11 again today so at least he's through the door on a Monday

Sending positive thoughts out to all of you and your teens

OP posts:
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 12:52

Mines made in even though slightly late. He's on a out dropping out of school all together though can they even do that 🤷‍♀️

sampamsnan · 27/04/2021 08:36

This sounds very similar to a thread I just started about my dd. So I'm following this for advice and also popping on to say you're not alone xxx

ThankYouDebbie · 27/04/2021 15:28

Another one here, Flowers for us all. My DS is in Year Nine and had already started saying he was feeling depressed before the lockdown, so we've had hardly any school, or much online learning, for the majority of a year now. The latest attempt by the school to enforce a gradual return started yesterday, but I'm afraid it generally results in my DS digging in his heels in and going in less, if anything. And he's still unable to really tell us why. I've been asked to step up the at-home consequences, eg take away phone, laptop, TV, internet... which mostly results in a very unhappy child with no way of communicating with anybody. He even prefers to talk to me via text if we're both in the same house.

We've got support from CAMHS, which has helped if only in communicating to the school how ADHD works Hmm - having a professional there to say 'if teachers keep telling him off for minor 'misdemeanours' which are generally ADHD-related is going to turn him off altogether' is really helpful. I can't still can't force him in though, and I can't force him into any kind of therapeutic intervention, no matter how many times it's suggested Confused.

sampamsnan · 27/04/2021 15:42

It's hard re punishments isn't it. I started off saying if she hadn't gone to school then no seeing friends either but now I'm of the view point that the more isolated she is, the worse it is for her. Same with the phone.

MackenCheese · 27/04/2021 15:55

" He even prefers to talk to me via text if we're both in the same house."
My DS will often open up to me on text as well, and leave the room to do so. The social worker's suggestion of taking everything (screen) away if he didn't go to school didn't work. He just lay on the bed staring into space. Very sad.

ThankYouDebbie · 27/04/2021 15:57

@sampamsnan

It's hard re punishments isn't it. I started off saying if she hadn't gone to school then no seeing friends either but now I'm of the view point that the more isolated she is, the worse it is for her. Same with the phone.
Exactly. I feel like I've been judged for making home too comfortable for my DS but the reason we stopped taking away those things was because they at least allowed some social interaction. Which is kind of a big deal for a child who won't attend school or any out of school activities.

I get that they think we've lost sight of what's reasonable though... this week I had 'well if I was offered the opportunity to stay at home and watch TV all day, I'd probably choose that too' which is hard to argue with.

sampamsnan · 27/04/2021 17:26

@MackenCheese Jesus that's not helpful of them

sampamsnan · 27/04/2021 17:28

@ThankYouDebbie it's a hard line to tread isn't it. But ultimately I do t agree with that sentiment, I think our kids would give anything to be a normal functioning part of society. Most of them weren't lazy or idle before all this. They don't want to feel this way xx

Hellenbach · 27/04/2021 22:29

School refusal is generally anxiety based. It's not about bad behaviour. It took me a while to actually get this. I spent so much time arguing with DS about going to school. I took away all the devices in the house, he regressed to the point of doing Lego all day.
Easter highlighted how the anxiety had escalated a d he couldn't go out to do the things he wanted to do.
He told CAMHs he just wanted help, to not struggle anymore.
I feel so guilty about how I punished him and thought he could simply make himself better.
Our poor kids. The schools don't know what to do.
I think communication is key. Now my DS has medication he is so relieved. It will be weeks before it kicks in but he is happier knowing he has been listened to and believed.
I'm hopeful, finally, that he can overcome this.
Hang in there everyone.

AvaCallanach · 28/04/2021 07:32

You all need informed schools. This punishment stuff is based on the idea that your child is making a choice not to attend, not that they are too unwell to attend.

Quite a few local authorities have emotionally based school avoidance policies now.

The school should treat it like any other special need. They should get an ed psych in early on to try to help work out the stressors. They need to make adjustments and make a small steps plan to try to get the young person back in.

Here are a couple of examples but if you search emotionally based school avoidance and your LA you may find there is a local one.

schools.westsussex.gov.uk/Page/10483

hsm.manchester.gov.uk/kb5/manchester/directory/advice.page?id=17Mj5WlOnyE

Original poster
SamW98 · 28/04/2021 11:46

Update - my DS has made it in at 11 3 days running this week which I am taking as a big win

He's Y11 and so only got 2 weeks of lessons left then his assessments and 28th May is the leavers day.

I'm not taking anything for granted but having 3 months off in the summer I will encourage him to keep on playing football, visiting his mates and slowly rebuilding a sense of normality and September will hopefully be a fresh start.

I have gone more for he carrot than the stick. Maybe its not the right thing but I'm offering little rewards for each day he goes in rather than any form of punishment. Playing football again on Monday nights seems to have made a difference - he's mixing with his mates again and getting some exercise

OP posts:
sampamsnan · 28/04/2021 12:10

@SamW98 such great news! I totally agree with your approach xx

MackenCheese · 28/04/2021 12:17

@SamW98 this is the right approach. I'm so pleased to hear he is going in. My son is in school for the 3rd day and said yesterday was fun 😀. This is a boy who has disengaged for about a year. We can't take anything for granted, but I think these teens have had a rough ride this past year..... keep taking those little steps forward. Well done.

Hellenbach · 28/04/2021 16:17

So pleased to hear your boys are doing well. We had the attendance officer from school visit today. Really nice guy but minimal advice really.
DS seems more positive and says he will go in for an hour tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/04/2021 09:54

Thanks for shares
I’m totally stressed about this

DC13 is now in shorter days but he is using an injury to maximise this

I can’t cope with this
I feel so stressed and angry and I cannot figure why this is

He is also vile
No help
No advice

I feel almost like I need to send him to his bullying father who will force the issue
I don’t want to but the anxiety at my end is sky high

How can a 13 year old do what the fuck he wants ?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/04/2021 09:58

I know I need to stay calm
Encourage him
Show love
Strike when the iron is cold

But I’m so full of anxiety and anger and resentment

I love and hate my son right now

sampamsnan · 29/04/2021 10:06

It's incredibly hard. I try to think of my daughter as if she had another kind of illness that meant she couldn't go to school. That helps me to be less angry about everything

MackenCheese · 29/04/2021 10:34

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Thanks for shares I’m totally stressed about this

DC13 is now in shorter days but he is using an injury to maximise this

I can’t cope with this
I feel so stressed and angry and I cannot figure why this is

He is also vile
No help
No advice

I feel almost like I need to send him to his bullying father who will force the issue
I don’t want to but the anxiety at my end is sky high

How can a 13 year old do what the fuck he wants ?

I know, I feel and know your pain and frustration. This is so against the grain when it comes to parenting. Most parents just would not understand, but I know the anger and high anxiety that you're talking about. Take some time out for yourself to cool off. Jump in the bath, go for a walk, lock your room for an hour and watch Netflix. Then you'll feel better and able to give that support that your son needs. Just read this thread. You are not alone in this.
Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/04/2021 10:39

Thanks
Right now I’m struggling to think he is ill
Or has MH problems
I just feel like he is a horrible little
Boy who wants to make my life hell and do what the fuck he wants
Always always

I’m struggling to shift and think that he is suffering
That school is impacting him

I just feel like he is playing me massively

I really need to read the links and shift thinking

Sorry I’m just being very honest
I don’t like him right now

That’s a horrible thing and feeling

MackenCheese · 29/04/2021 11:16

I could have written your message many times over the lockdown. I started googling how to get him taken into care because he was so vile, and I thought he was playing me for a total mug. I absolutely hated him for putting me in that position.
When he rejected a bribe of £100 cash to go to school I knew I had to take him seriously (I wasn't planning on giving that, but just to see his reaction!)
I started saying things like "it's hard going back to school isn't it?" so he knew that I understood. I also told him the lockdown is over now, so it's safe for him to go back. I know, not strictly true but we don't watch the news etc.
If he doesn't go to school, write that day off and plan for the next. That's what I did. There's no magic solution. Feeling the way you do doesn't mean you love him any less!

Original poster
SamW98 · 29/04/2021 12:14

Morning all. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. DS has gone in again today at 11 without a struggle
Just spoke to the pastoral manager and she said she's kept an eye on him this week and he's chatty laughing and joking with his mates.
Just need to try and get him out of bed a bit earlier

The thing is, I can understand it. After the year we've all just had. I have a lot of friends who have WFH for a year and they are anxious about going back to the office, commuting and generally getting back into the world. Many people have got very insular and comfortable at home and its no different for our kids

Sending best wishes to all of you

OP posts:
Hellenbach · 29/04/2021 19:59

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I know I need to stay calm Encourage him Show love Strike when the iron is cold

But I’m so full of anxiety and anger and resentment

I love and hate my son right now

I completely get this. It's exhausting and time consuming, which makes me feel resentful and angry. Also the high levels of anxiety are hugely impacting on me and my you get son (who has SEN).

We are only human. It's impossible to be empathetic and compassionate all the time. I'm a single parent and trying to fit in work around my DS.

Today was better. He went in for one hour. But it was bloody stressful and my whole day was governed by his anxiety.