Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 year old school refusal after lockdown

204 replies

SamW98 · 17/03/2021 13:33

Hi all. New here and at my wits end. My 15 year old son is refusing to go back to school after lockdown saying he's ill (which he's not). It seems like anxiety and we have been speaking to his school who are being supportive but every day he is making up excuses and refusing to go.

We had this the last few days before the Dec lockdown as well and I just wondered if anyone has any experience or ideas as I'm at breaking point

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 16/04/2021 13:31

We've also promised we will let him do an online trading course in the summer if he gets the grades

This is so difficult , kudos got keeping him going through it all

On the online trading, some of the platforms can be used in a kind of training mode, where you can pretend to buy, sell and keep track of your profit and losses without having to stake any money. Of course, you don't actually make anything either but it might be fun for him to try it out with no risk.

I'll have a look incase I can find one. Interest in the outcome of school to get into business school might help with getting over the anxiety. All the best.

Original poster
SamW98 · 16/04/2021 13:51

Thank you so much for those links. I'll show him at the weekend and let him have a play around

Its so frustrating. We managed to get him in every day the week before easter - only from 11 but it was such a big step forward. then 2 weeks off and we're back to square one

Monday he was absolutely fine but that was it. He's not been back since. he's saying he's ill but its so obviously anxiety. Its harder at his age as well - I can't physically drag a 6ft tall 16 year old out the house and tbh that's not the best way forward either. He needs to get himself in the right place

The biggest issue is his refusal to talk or accept help. We've spoken to doctors, counselling service, school pastoral care and he won't speak to any of them. He says he's fine this is just who he is

We had parents evening (online) yesterday and his teachers were wonderful. They are doing everything they can to help him get his grades - he's already got 5 grade 5's in his mocks so only needs 1 more to get into do A levels - but he just buries his head

Me and his dad are now trying a gentle coaxing approach and yes a bit of bribery but even that isn't working

Bloody COVID and lockdowns has done so much damage to our kids mental health

OP posts:
BananaBreakfast · 17/04/2021 09:12

Hugs. I would be taking his heart rate and let him book a doctor's appointment to check there is nothing physical.

It's important to meet him on his own terms - he doesn't want to be described as anxious. He wants to talk in terms of physical illness. Suggest some physical treatments such as a warm drink, an aerobic warmup and stretches, a short run, maybe some football practise. Some music that matches his mood. Take a look at "Zones of Regulation" - he might engage with that.

Good luck!

TankFlyBoss · 17/04/2021 09:18

Hi. I am an education welfare officer and work with emotional based school refusal and school based anxiety a lot. We are seeing a lot of this unfortunately. You can pm me if you want to. It's a tough situation and sounds like you have done really well.

Original poster
SamW98 · 17/04/2021 17:33

@TankFlyBoss

Hi. I am an education welfare officer and work with emotional based school refusal and school based anxiety a lot. We are seeing a lot of this unfortunately. You can pm me if you want to. It's a tough situation and sounds like you have done really well.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate this kind offer.

I will send you a PM over the weekend

OP posts:
TankFlyBoss · 17/04/2021 23:54

Absolutely xx

AvaCallanach · 18/04/2021 00:22

Does your local authority have an emotionally based school avoidance strategy? These are getting more common. Might be worth looking at your local offer on the LA website?

Original poster
SamW98 · 19/04/2021 08:16

@AvaCallanach

Does your local authority have an emotionally based school avoidance strategy? These are getting more common. Might be worth looking at your local offer on the LA website?
I've looked on the website and can't find anything like that. They have a referral form but they say on there they waiting lists are around 12 weeks

Other than that there's a phone number which I will try calling

We've been in constant discussion with pastoral care and attendance at his school and they haven't mentioned anything. Their only strategy seems to be trying to get him in part of the day.

Its so difficult. I'm starting to feel really anxious and stressed over this myself but obviously not letting him see that.
because he's been a model pupil up to now, this is so far outside our experience we don't really know where to turn

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 19/04/2021 08:21

I bet lots of Mums are facing challenges with the whole going back to school thing, for various reasons.
I know one of my dc's worked really well at home and is really pissed off about returning to the structure and endless, sometimes seemingly pointless, rules at school.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 19/04/2021 08:26

I haven’t got any advice but lots of sympathy. My DD was the same at 15/16 and it was immensely stressful. She couldn’t really explain why she didn’t want to go, just that she felt sick and was worried about being sick at school.

I remember my alarm going off on a school day and I’d be filled with dread ... here we go again, will she go in today.

Caused a lot of problems with DH as he thought us was being too soft and ‘too understanding’ Hmm

I also think a few friends of mine had a similar view, but until you’re in that situation you’ve no idea how hard it is. Like you say, you can’t drag a teen to school.

Let me add that DD is now 20 and has a job, she’s punctual and has never had a day off sick. Best of luck OP.

FindingMeno · 19/04/2021 08:33

I think as well, they've seen something different and know there is another way. They've kind of stepped out of the institutionalisation of school.
It's not something they can tolerate so well since the idea they have no choice has been disproven.
They've illustrated just how capable and determined and disciplined they are, and had a reprieve from the drama of school.

Original poster
SamW98 · 19/04/2021 11:30

Good news update - managed to get him ins by 11 today in time for break

I let him have a bit of a lie in and woke him way before we needed to leave so he could take his time. he had a bath, a couple of sausages then took an eternity to get dressed but then came down fully dressed and actually had the cheek to say 'come on mum'

I said I was proud of him and he told me to shut up but hey he's 16!

I do now think as he's in Y11 and only going in to revise and practice ahead of assessments, if I can get him through the door at 11 every day, its not the end of the world

OP posts:
TankFlyBoss · 19/04/2021 16:51

Brilliant news, well done. Hope all went well for him once he was there. 11am is definitely way better than not at all. Will school agree to that start time for the foreseeable?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/04/2021 09:18

I’m having the same with 13 year old
There is no clear reason why but he is not coping
Or engaging with therapy

I know the thing is to stay calm

But I totally lost it today
It’s so stressful
Making them engage with MH support is impossible

Original poster
SamW98 · 22/04/2021 10:39

Well after 2 days going in on Monday and Tuesday, he's now had another 2 where he won't get out of bed and says he's ill. There is nothing physically wrong with him, he's absolutely fine in the evenings. he gets up has his bath and then seems to just go into his shell

School aren't really offering anything now as he's 16 and all they say is if he doesn't sit his assessments he won't get his grades which isn't really helping my stress levels. I don't say this to him but I just keep wondering what happens next if he doesn't get into 6th form or college

Y11 finish school on 28th may so it really is only a few more weeks but I really am struggling now to hold myself together with worry about his MH and his future

OP posts:
MrsVeryTired · 22/04/2021 11:42

You're not alone, been going through similar for the last year. Very difficult. Sorry don't have any answers Flowers

ShagMeRiggins · 22/04/2021 11:56

Place marking for later. You’re definitely not alone in this.

Original poster
SamW98 · 22/04/2021 12:00

@AvaCallanach

Does your local authority have an emotionally based school avoidance strategy? These are getting more common. Might be worth looking at your local offer on the LA website?
I got a number from the local authority website but they just told me I have to contact the school or google for other forms of support.

I did ask the question regarding whether there is a emotionally based school avoidance strategy and she said she's not heard of it - I'm in Essex if anyone knows any contacts

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/04/2021 12:02

I think the only thing We can do is
Stay calm (ha !)
Keep speaking with school
Keep communication open with kids

I have good days and bad days

On a good day I think ‘this too shall pass ‘
One a bad day I think it’s totally fucked and I’m failing
How can a child not be educated ?

I’m pleased this thread is around as I’m the only person I know experiencing this

AvaCallanach · 22/04/2021 15:14

schools.essex.gov.uk/pupils/SEND/Pages/SEMH---Maximising-School-Attendance.aspx

Info on a course which has recently taken place, BUT there are email contacts at the bottom which might be worth getting in touch with.
There is also a downloadable toolkit here :

schools.essex.gov.uk/pupils/Education_Access/Documents/Pre-toolkit%20info%20for%20schools.docx

Original poster
SamW98 · 23/04/2021 12:28

[quote AvaCallanach]schools.essex.gov.uk/pupils/SEND/Pages/SEMH---Maximising-School-Attendance.aspx

Info on a course which has recently taken place, BUT there are email contacts at the bottom which might be worth getting in touch with.
There is also a downloadable toolkit here :

schools.essex.gov.uk/pupils/Education_Access/Documents/Pre-toolkit%20info%20for%20schools.docx[/quote]
Thank you.

Got him in at 11 again today so he's made it in 3 days this week, all be it reduced hours.

He was like a different kid this morning, more like his normal self.

Good luck to all of you having similar issues - its so bloody difficult

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/04/2021 13:20

1030 this end Cake
I’ve suggested shortest days and they have agreed

This really is tough isn’t it x

Meltinthemiddle · 23/04/2021 23:36

Hi hope you don't mind me joining this thread. My son is going through something similar and I'm having no support from school whatsoever due to him being 16 y11. I think he's failed his GCSE’s too. He is anxious, stressed and has no motivation to to go. He's now talking about dropping out altogether 😔

Hellenbach · 23/04/2021 23:58

I'm in a similar situation. DS aged almost 15, Year 10. Started as school anxiety and ramped up in the Easter holidays to not being able to go out for anything, even things he wanted to do.

Got a referral to CAMHs from GP. We're seen at the crisis hub and diagnosed with stress and depression. Just started medication this week as he can't access talk based therapy as too anxious.

I feel like a failure but I know he needs this help. It shocked me how quickly he deteriorated.

Swipe left for the next trending thread