Our son has had his head turned

[Synergy786]

Hi , I’m a step mum to a 15 year old boy. I’ve been a part of his life since he was a baby . He was part of a shared agreement between my husband and his ex.

When he was around 10 his mother was not well and he came to live with us full time . ( he actually didn’t see her for a year which was her decision)

What was meant to be a short period of time eventually became over a year. and by the time his mother had recovered he did not want to go back and wanted to live with us full time .

As you can appreciate it didn’t go down too well with his mother and we tried everything to persuade him to go back to the original arrangement but to no avail.

We agreed that he would see his mum most evenings and hopefully work up to overnight stays. Unfortunately his mother decided she would take a different approach and decided to tell him that she could offer him a better life and they would have more fun etc and she then started saying things about his dad.

He would question his dad when he returned from his mother and start a sentence with “my mum said this about you is it true?”. No matter what my husband and I would say he wouldn’t accept anything and eventually he said he wanted to go live with his mother .

You can imagine we were devastated but my husband let him leave as he didn’t want to drag our son through the courts . We didn’t see him for about four weeks and out of the blue his mother phoned saying she couldn’t cope with him and had a life of her own .

My husband had spent weeks crying thinking he wouldn’t see his son again due to what the mother had been filling his head with and now she decided she couldn’t cope.

His son came home and he was a mess and felt he had been abandoned by her . We moved away and he has not seen her for over 4 years and now going through his teenage years it’s been difficult. He is a lovely boy and extremely intelligent.

He sat his mocks just before Xmas and had revised really hard and everything was fine . Once the exams were over and School broke up for Christmas break he became a different child.

He was moody , ignoring and really rude and was refusing to eat. We tried to speak to him and get to the bottom of it but all we got were one word answers . He then started with we were rubbish parents and he hated us etc . He said we were strict .... we asked him what he actually wanted and the fact we we’re in lockdown there wasn’t much he could do .

We gave him time to speak to his friends online etc it still didn’t change anything. It actually got worse to be honest . Then a few weeks ago he left the iPad after using it and he had left it open and my husband saw the conversations he was having.

Please note my husband only read the conversations because he was so worried about how he was behaving and what he read really upset him . My husband saw that our son was liked by a number of girls at School and this is why he wanted more time online .... so this would explain his behaviour changing because it all happened at the time we noticed the change just after his mocks .

We phoned the School to see if they could shed any light on it . They advised that they had noticed more female students were spending time with him and it had been noted .

We are really responsible parents and have always tried to give him a balance and we know we can’t protect him all the time but we are good parents . He received his mock results and gained 7 A stars and 4 A’s.

We are so glad that all this happened after his mocks . In his conversations he used horrendous language about his father . My husband was devastated as he thinks the world of his son .

We sat down with him and discussed what he had said and spoke about what was happening at School. We said we had no issue with him having a girlfriend as long as he was responsible and respectful.

He seemed happy that we were fine about it but eventually he wanted more time online and his schoolwork was starting to suffer .

He wanted more time online and was pushing to stay online until the early hours of the morning . My husband has his own business and I am a medical professional.

He eventually swore at us a word that I won’t repeat and said he wanted to go back and live with his mother who he has not seen in over 4 years all because he wants more time with his friends online especially the girl.

As I am a key worker he’s in School for 3 days also where he sees some friends and this particular girl. Now he wants more and more and we have tried to talk to him but he wants everything his own way and because of this he says he wants to leave because we are crap parents. We’ve had the comments that all his friends stay online for hours on end and why are we so strict . We have explained that we love him and we want a balance in his life where he takes time away from online activity and spend time with his family as well as his education.

The response we have had is horrendous, he’s insulted us and used words that have left us questioning if we even know him anymore . The catalyst for all this is the girl .

We are not blaming the girl at all . Our son has had his head turned and unfortunately is struggling to find a balance as he wants to charge in with both feet and neglect everything else .

We have tried everything to reason with him and he’s not interested at all. He wants to leave for all the wrong reasons which makes it so difficult. He feels his mother would allow him to do what he wants .

We have had no contact with her for over 4 years so don’t know where she is or what her situation is either .

We’ve explained any responsible parent wouldn’t let that happen . The other factor is we don’t live in the city where he goes to a school . We moved away when he came home 4 years ago but kept him at his School as it’s excellent.

We feel we have supported him through all his struggles and he has travelled all over the world with us and we even brought in tutors to help him with his exams . We want him to have a start in life and now we feel we are going to lose him because he’s in love .

I’m so sorry for the long post but I see my husband everyday and he’s so upset and tries to put a brave face on things . His son is his whole world and what makes this harder is his son knows this and seems hell bent on hurting his dad to get what he wants .

He is now throwing his education away as he wants to go to the same school for his A levels as the young girl . There’s just no talking to him anymore .

We have worked together with his School but there’s only so much support they can offer and ultimately he turns 16 years of age soon and then he can walk out. I just find it baffling a child is class as an adult at 16 years of age and can leave home.

Any advice would be really appreciated

Gosh, you’re reading his communications and calling the school about girls liking him? Telling him he’s “allowed “ a girlfriend”. Dictating his on line time?

You sound really controlling parents. I think this is part of the issue. You need to let go. Guide, support. Not control.

How long is he spending online every day? Most teens are currently spending a lot of time online because this is the only way to socialize. Much, much more time than normal. If you're restricting this significantly, I'm not surprised he is pushing back.

Why is he in school 3 days a week? Not just because you are a keyworker; that is to facilitate parents working ("childcare") and in year 11 that really isn't necessary. You could pull him out of school.

He wants to do A levels at another school, not run off and join the circus - hardly 'throwing his education away'. He's a person, not a project. Lighten up..

This lad has had some difficult childhood experiences. No matter how much you love him the rejection from his mother will have had an enormous effect. He hasn't 'had his head turned' he's a normal teenager. His behaviour is well within the range of normal (albeit unpleasant, as teens can be. And no I'm not excusing bad behaviour, just saying that it's common.

The way you wrote about him appears to infantilise him a bit. He is trying to assert himself. And given his difficult childhood, he's probably being a bit self destructive.

He needs some agency to make some decisions. Too much rigidity at this age can be disastrous.

The most important part of your post is that he hasn't had any contact with his mother for 4 years. Poor boy. I understand he's living with his father, but being abandoned by your mother must be incredibly tough. I would look into counselling for him.

I also think you're being far too strict and controlling. He is 15, not 10. It's normal to have feelings towards others.

I agree that unless there are special circumstances he is too old to have to go to school under the daycare arrangements.

He has had a really Tough time with his mother. Your husband seems to be a very controlling parent. No wonder he is pushing back and longing for the absent parent. He will romanticise her, she would be the opposite of this over the top environment, never mind how she hurt him.

I do think your husband could do with taking a look at his parenting style. He needs to ease off, let his sone be a teenager, they will be moody, they will swear, they will be interested in getting girlfriends or boyfriends.

And as a parent, your husband doesnt deserve rewards for taking his sone on holiday or getting him tutors. Most parents who can afford it will do that, it’s an odd way to look at things.

Maybe some parenting classes would help your husband through the difficult teenage years?

You're being far too strict. I agree with Bluntness. If you don't allow him more freedom he will vote with his feet, it's as simple as that really. Have a grown up conversation with him. Say 'ok, can we trust you to keep up with your studies and not let your online chatting get out of hand?'
Let him have some independence.

Absolutely normal 15 year old behaviour.

You are totally suffocating him and he’s lashing out because he doesn’t know what else to do. You called the school because he’s been talking to girls??

Calling the school and reading his messages is very poor behaviour on your part.

It is also entirely natural for teens to want to chat into the night. Different circadian rhythms. Let it be.

You're strangling him with your apron strings.

Op no wonder you're beside yourself. I don't think you're doing or thinking anything OTT. you have no idea if that girl likes him. It's likely it could all go pearshaped if he does go to the same college and it ends. You'll be there to pick up the pieces as the loving parents you are

You are treating him like a 10 year old

Also considering the relationship with his mother I'm not surprised he has some additional emotional needs. Add in lockdown, living away from his friends (and now girlfriend)he must feel very isolated. And people depressed too. So he is trying to find a future he can look forward to, and for him that is choosing a 6th form with his girlfriend and friends. What is wrong with that?

You need to back right off.
I have teens and would say he can message/chat this girl while not doing online class work. No phones at mealtimes and family time - but be reasonable because no teen wants to spend hours watching TV with DPs like they did aged 12.
But back right off or he'll be charging off to his mother's to get normal freedom and that would be a disaster.

Sorry but you both sound awful!!!
Love and nurture, guide, support do not dictate! Oh and your son isn’t a prize because he got A* - you can literally see this is exactly the type of kid that’s potentially going to go off the rails as you are placing way to much emphasis on him achieving results and dictating his life into this perfect mould of who you think he should be!

Have you seriously got any idea how tough life must be for him right now??? Poor kid

This is a fucking awful turn of phrase. You say you're not blaming the girl but honestly it sounds like you think girls are just out to corrupt him with the way you're talking.

My son is a similar age, all the behaviours sound normal, the only thing I wouldn't tolerate is being sworn at. His behaviours sound like he is rebelling against your strict behaviour. You have to let them make mistakes and learn from them while keeping them on the right track,it's sometimes a difficult balance.

I have a teen dd too who is 2 years older and I think Ive spent many of their teen years nodding and smiling...they do come out the other side!

It's completely normal that a 15yo wants lots of time with friends and girlfriend, and that he wants to do this online in these times when he can't be with them in person as much as he otherwise would be. The harder you fight that, the more you will push him away from you and towards the girlfriend. I don't even see how the first past of your post about his history with his mother is relevant. I thought you were going to say that the ipad conversations where with his estranged mum and it was she who had "turned his head" and was alienating him from you!

Have you read "How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk"? You might find it helpful.

My husband has his own business and I am a medical professional.

This sentence seems to say a lot about you. Why would you even think that was relevant to include? I’d consider this and everything else everyone has said.
Perhaps you and DH aren’t the perfect parents you think you are? It makes such uncomfortable reading, like you deserve a sainthood for raising your DH own child

The phrase " his head has been turned" is really odd. This is very normal teenage behavior. I think your expectations are way off.
You should not have read his messages or called the school. It's a massive overreaction.

Regarding 6th form education, why not make that a family decision? Attend the virtual open evenings for the nearby and other schools and involve him by actually listening.
Reading between the lines, he is some distance away from kids at school he can socialise with in normal times. He's looking to his 16-18 years and seeing no opportunity to socialise normally if stuck on public/school transport or worse, relying on parent lifts.
This could also be the making of your relationship if handled correctly.

I agree with the pp, you are treating him like a 10 yr old.
Has he had counselling regarding his mother?

@wizzywig

Op no wonder you're beside yourself. I don't think you're doing or thinking anything OTT. you have no idea if that girl likes him. It's likely it could all go pearshaped if he does go to the same college and it ends. You'll be there to pick up the pieces as the loving parents you are

Beside herself that her son (well step son) is acting like a completely normal 15 year old??

This is a fucking awful turn of phrase. You say you're not blaming the girl but honestly it sounds like you think girls are just out to corrupt him with the way you're talking.

Yes this is what I mean. Women aren't evil temptresses out to corrupt your whiter than white prince.

The exams have been headed with numbers not letters for some time now......

I'm so confused. Aren't most 15yos (of both sex) into flirting and fancying one another? They are just a big bag of hormones at that age. And chatting online is totally normal, heck, I used to MSN into the small hours as a teen - it was totally normal and has been since 2000.

The biggest problem here is the lack of relationship with his mother - that must be having such an effect on him feeling abandoned by her. Poor lad.

Everything else is just, well, normal?