Our son has had his head turned

[Synergy786]

Hi , I’m a step mum to a 15 year old boy. I’ve been a part of his life since he was a baby . He was part of a shared agreement between my husband and his ex.

When he was around 10 his mother was not well and he came to live with us full time . ( he actually didn’t see her for a year which was her decision)

What was meant to be a short period of time eventually became over a year. and by the time his mother had recovered he did not want to go back and wanted to live with us full time .

As you can appreciate it didn’t go down too well with his mother and we tried everything to persuade him to go back to the original arrangement but to no avail.

We agreed that he would see his mum most evenings and hopefully work up to overnight stays. Unfortunately his mother decided she would take a different approach and decided to tell him that she could offer him a better life and they would have more fun etc and she then started saying things about his dad.

He would question his dad when he returned from his mother and start a sentence with “my mum said this about you is it true?”. No matter what my husband and I would say he wouldn’t accept anything and eventually he said he wanted to go live with his mother .

You can imagine we were devastated but my husband let him leave as he didn’t want to drag our son through the courts . We didn’t see him for about four weeks and out of the blue his mother phoned saying she couldn’t cope with him and had a life of her own .

My husband had spent weeks crying thinking he wouldn’t see his son again due to what the mother had been filling his head with and now she decided she couldn’t cope.

His son came home and he was a mess and felt he had been abandoned by her . We moved away and he has not seen her for over 4 years and now going through his teenage years it’s been difficult. He is a lovely boy and extremely intelligent.

He sat his mocks just before Xmas and had revised really hard and everything was fine . Once the exams were over and School broke up for Christmas break he became a different child.

He was moody , ignoring and really rude and was refusing to eat. We tried to speak to him and get to the bottom of it but all we got were one word answers . He then started with we were rubbish parents and he hated us etc . He said we were strict .... we asked him what he actually wanted and the fact we we’re in lockdown there wasn’t much he could do .

We gave him time to speak to his friends online etc it still didn’t change anything. It actually got worse to be honest . Then a few weeks ago he left the iPad after using it and he had left it open and my husband saw the conversations he was having.

Please note my husband only read the conversations because he was so worried about how he was behaving and what he read really upset him . My husband saw that our son was liked by a number of girls at School and this is why he wanted more time online .... so this would explain his behaviour changing because it all happened at the time we noticed the change just after his mocks .

We phoned the School to see if they could shed any light on it . They advised that they had noticed more female students were spending time with him and it had been noted .

We are really responsible parents and have always tried to give him a balance and we know we can’t protect him all the time but we are good parents . He received his mock results and gained 7 A stars and 4 A’s.

We are so glad that all this happened after his mocks . In his conversations he used horrendous language about his father . My husband was devastated as he thinks the world of his son .

We sat down with him and discussed what he had said and spoke about what was happening at School. We said we had no issue with him having a girlfriend as long as he was responsible and respectful.

He seemed happy that we were fine about it but eventually he wanted more time online and his schoolwork was starting to suffer .

He wanted more time online and was pushing to stay online until the early hours of the morning . My husband has his own business and I am a medical professional.

He eventually swore at us a word that I won’t repeat and said he wanted to go back and live with his mother who he has not seen in over 4 years all because he wants more time with his friends online especially the girl.

As I am a key worker he’s in School for 3 days also where he sees some friends and this particular girl. Now he wants more and more and we have tried to talk to him but he wants everything his own way and because of this he says he wants to leave because we are crap parents. We’ve had the comments that all his friends stay online for hours on end and why are we so strict . We have explained that we love him and we want a balance in his life where he takes time away from online activity and spend time with his family as well as his education.

The response we have had is horrendous, he’s insulted us and used words that have left us questioning if we even know him anymore . The catalyst for all this is the girl .

We are not blaming the girl at all . Our son has had his head turned and unfortunately is struggling to find a balance as he wants to charge in with both feet and neglect everything else .

We have tried everything to reason with him and he’s not interested at all. He wants to leave for all the wrong reasons which makes it so difficult. He feels his mother would allow him to do what he wants .

We have had no contact with her for over 4 years so don’t know where she is or what her situation is either .

We’ve explained any responsible parent wouldn’t let that happen . The other factor is we don’t live in the city where he goes to a school . We moved away when he came home 4 years ago but kept him at his School as it’s excellent.

We feel we have supported him through all his struggles and he has travelled all over the world with us and we even brought in tutors to help him with his exams . We want him to have a start in life and now we feel we are going to lose him because he’s in love .

I’m so sorry for the long post but I see my husband everyday and he’s so upset and tries to put a brave face on things . His son is his whole world and what makes this harder is his son knows this and seems hell bent on hurting his dad to get what he wants .

He is now throwing his education away as he wants to go to the same school for his A levels as the young girl . There’s just no talking to him anymore .

We have worked together with his School but there’s only so much support they can offer and ultimately he turns 16 years of age soon and then he can walk out. I just find it baffling a child is class as an adult at 16 years of age and can leave home.

Any advice would be really appreciated

Graded. Bloody phone trying to second guess my typing.

@Cheeeeislifenow

The phrase " his head has been turned" is really odd. This is very normal teenage behavior. I think your expectations are way off. You should not have read his messages or called the school. It's a massive overreaction.

I totally agree, especially regarding the 'head turned' phrase.

You need to lighten up.

@OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea

Graded. Bloody phone trying to second guess my typing.

Bloody good spot.

He received his mock results and gained 7 A stars and 4 A’s

Hmmm....

Most of what you have described about his behaviour seems fairly normal for most15 year olds tbh. When you said he'd had his head turned I was expecting a coercive relationship with an older teen/adult or something not the standard teen obsession stuff.
The swearing and lashing out isn't ok and he needs to know that but please understand he's probably in pain.

You have a child who had repeatedly been rejected and abandoned by their care giver and what we know is that even into adulthood, people will grieve and yearn for that relationship and the love and acceptance of that parent. They will keep going back for more, try to 'win' their love and continue to be treated badly whilst accepting any scrap of affection.
Has he ever had any emotional support? Would he see a counsellor or someone at school?

You need to take a step back, get some perspective and give the lad a break.
Pick your battles!
Kids across the country are having way too much screen time at the moment. It's not ideal but these are weird circumstances. They're all conducting their whole lives online.
Stop controlling his every move and have realistic boundaries, like phone left downstairs overnight maybe. Try and negotiate that with him.
There's loads of information online about social media and devices and setting out rules with teens.

@OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea

The exams have been headed with numbers not letters for some time now......

Yes, because that's the important bit!

With his traumatic childhood, I would have though his happiness ought to be your priority, not his exam results. Let him be a normal fucking teenager for Christ's sake

Yabvu and sound extremely controlling.

He's not has his head turned. This is his first time in love and he wants to text her all day. This isn't the girl's fault at all. He's hormonal and it's perfectly common for a teen to become obsessed whether they are y11 or y12. Many adults struggle to be balanced about new loves- why would a y11 be able to do this?

He's in y11 and you're sending him to school? As a pp said you're treating him like a y7. He's achieved top grades but you're acting like he's going to rank his GCSEs. I'm pretty shocked that you went to school and asked for support with his gf when all he's done is slag you off to her.

I'm not sure why you think he's throwing his education away because he wants to go to the same school as his girlfriend? You say he has 'had his head turned' by this girl, as if she is somehow to blame for the fact that your son loves her.
What would be so awful if he changed schools to be with her?
I think you need to let go a little, and allow him to make his own decisions.

I don’t think your ds has much choice but to leave given the circumstances you have created! He’s not a child, he’s nearly 16! He will rightly want to talk to girls. And he is well within his rights to do that. Why on earth do you think he shouldn’t?

Poor young man thinking that a mother who abandoned him might be a better option to what he’s got now.

@Synergy786 you called the school because some girls have shown interest in him??? Why? I mean....really? Can you honestly not see how ridiculous that was?

@stillonthattightrope I think the inference was that the op might not be quite as it appears?

I think you've made an important point in saying at 16 he can move out. He is nearly an adult. You need to be supporting him in this transition, not restricting him further!

Stop sending him to school - he doesn't need baby-sitting.

Teens need to socialise - it's part of their development, and in current circumstances the only way they can do that is via phone etc. You cannot make access to devices too restrictive at the moment, it's just not fair.

Being miles away from his friends cannot be helping - he can't go out for a walk etc. Changing schools for 6th form could be a very good idea - I am surprised you weren't looking last term. Most would have had open events etc. And at 16, he has a right to have significant input into this decision.

As for girlfriends, that's entirely normal at this age. I think blaming all his behaviour on one girl is completely out of order, and totally unrealistic. I do think again in current circumstances that a new relationship is likely to become quite intense very quickly - restrictions on meeting send it into the realms of forbidden love for teens.

Having to deal with being treated like a toddler at home, being abandoned by his mother, and a pandemic is likely to result in a teen having issues. I think some counseling for him and as a family might help. You are being way OTT at the moment.

Oh dear, you really need to back off or he will vote with his feet!
It’s ok to have some boundaries I.e. phone off by 11.30 on school nights, but you should leave him be at other times. This is how teenagers communicate.
It was totally over the top to call the school about him liking girls and vice versa. This is normal!!
I have a child in yr 11 and am a health professional also, but my dad would be horrified if I suggested she needed to be in school. They are well able to manage homeschooling alone at this age.

*OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea
The exams have been headed with numbers not letters for some time now......
Yes, because that's the important bit!

Well it does indicate the OP isn't real...

@OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea

The exams have been headed with numbers not letters for some time now......

I was in the first year group to have number grading and in our mock tests they still graded us on letters... it was only in our real ones that they used numbers.

The bit that stuck out for me was OPs wittering on about his mocks and his grades. I would suggest stop putting so much emphasis on school and sort out the lad's emotional development. He has been dumped by his mother and his step-mother only worries about his grades. Sheesh. He's a human being not a flipping robot. This family is so cold!

Of course paying attention in school is important but you have to look at the whole person...social, emotional, interpersonal development. It's critical at this age. Let him have girlfriends, let him chat to mates for hours online (outside of school and family time) let him learn about independence.

The teenager is 15 so stop treating him like a 9 year old

Sounds like a normal teenager in the first flushes of love, and finding his own feet, and experiencing teenage hormones.

In the current climate, the only way of communicating with friends is screen time. I would relax a bit on this - maybe compromise during the week but be more relaxed at weekends.

He’s not throwing his education away if he still wants to do a-levels. He just wants to continue at a different establishment.

You need to tread carefully here, accept he’s not the 10 year old boy anymore, but a teenager, almost an adult in his own right, and capable of making his own decesions. I know you want the best for him, but what you want is not want he may want.

@titchy

*OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea The exams have been headed with numbers not letters for some time now...... Yes, because that's the important bit!

Well it does indicate the OP isn't real...

Reported the op so. Mnhq can decide,,

He's kicking out at the only only constants he's had in his life as he's reaching adulthood whilst also having to process his tumultuous upbringing.

Kids are notorious shits at that age, add in the additional instability of his upbringing and it's no wonder that he's struggling.

I agree with previous posters that you are too smothering. I understand why you are though, he has had a terrible time and you want to protect him from further harm.

He's not a little boy anymore and this situation will be exacerbated the more you try to make him one. He's a young man and too old for you to be checking his every move. At nearly sixteen he's a little too old to have his Daddy reading his messages.

Sit down as a family at the time he is most malleable and outline you are worried about him, you love him but his behaviour and the atmosphere in the house is becoming unbearable. What can you all do to live more harmoneously?

See if you can reach an agreement in how you can navigate eg. He may want more independence, he wants to meet his friends more etc.

However none of this is to do with girls. Your son is acting badly, no one is forcing him to do that and it's no one else's accountability but his own. Don't blame young women for his behaviour and let him off scot free, it sets a poor precident.

You are far too involved.

'Blame My Brain' by Nicola Morgan is a great book to read if you're having trouble understanding teenage behaviour.

Maybe put yourself in his shoes and have a think about how you'd feel if you were him? You need to step back a bit. He's a teenage boy, not a project to prove to others how successful you are.

synergy786

I can't believe you called school because some girls like him. That's madness. What you're describing is very normal behaviour for a teen boy. I agree with others that you're being controlling. In normal times he would be going out socialising. Most of them are messaging and FaceTiming etc as a way to stay in touch. He is most likely mortified you called school. It's unlikely his Mum would cope, he's just saying it to upset you.

This is totally normal for a boy his age. When I was 14 a boy I liked in my sports club left his home one day and walked 7 miles just to see me. This was before mobile phones and he just turned up at my house one morning.

He will be besotted with someone, he will be in love with someone and it's all totally normal and expected. He is bang on schedule and will come out the other side in a few years, with his heart broken but a more mature attitude to relationships.

Why on earth are you talking to school about this?

@Watchingbehindmyhands Maybe you're right actually.