Our son has had his head turned

[Synergy786]

Hi , I’m a step mum to a 15 year old boy. I’ve been a part of his life since he was a baby . He was part of a shared agreement between my husband and his ex.

When he was around 10 his mother was not well and he came to live with us full time . ( he actually didn’t see her for a year which was her decision)

What was meant to be a short period of time eventually became over a year. and by the time his mother had recovered he did not want to go back and wanted to live with us full time .

As you can appreciate it didn’t go down too well with his mother and we tried everything to persuade him to go back to the original arrangement but to no avail.

We agreed that he would see his mum most evenings and hopefully work up to overnight stays. Unfortunately his mother decided she would take a different approach and decided to tell him that she could offer him a better life and they would have more fun etc and she then started saying things about his dad.

He would question his dad when he returned from his mother and start a sentence with “my mum said this about you is it true?”. No matter what my husband and I would say he wouldn’t accept anything and eventually he said he wanted to go live with his mother .

You can imagine we were devastated but my husband let him leave as he didn’t want to drag our son through the courts . We didn’t see him for about four weeks and out of the blue his mother phoned saying she couldn’t cope with him and had a life of her own .

My husband had spent weeks crying thinking he wouldn’t see his son again due to what the mother had been filling his head with and now she decided she couldn’t cope.

His son came home and he was a mess and felt he had been abandoned by her . We moved away and he has not seen her for over 4 years and now going through his teenage years it’s been difficult. He is a lovely boy and extremely intelligent.

He sat his mocks just before Xmas and had revised really hard and everything was fine . Once the exams were over and School broke up for Christmas break he became a different child.

He was moody , ignoring and really rude and was refusing to eat. We tried to speak to him and get to the bottom of it but all we got were one word answers . He then started with we were rubbish parents and he hated us etc . He said we were strict .... we asked him what he actually wanted and the fact we we’re in lockdown there wasn’t much he could do .

We gave him time to speak to his friends online etc it still didn’t change anything. It actually got worse to be honest . Then a few weeks ago he left the iPad after using it and he had left it open and my husband saw the conversations he was having.

Please note my husband only read the conversations because he was so worried about how he was behaving and what he read really upset him . My husband saw that our son was liked by a number of girls at School and this is why he wanted more time online .... so this would explain his behaviour changing because it all happened at the time we noticed the change just after his mocks .

We phoned the School to see if they could shed any light on it . They advised that they had noticed more female students were spending time with him and it had been noted .

We are really responsible parents and have always tried to give him a balance and we know we can’t protect him all the time but we are good parents . He received his mock results and gained 7 A stars and 4 A’s.

We are so glad that all this happened after his mocks . In his conversations he used horrendous language about his father . My husband was devastated as he thinks the world of his son .

We sat down with him and discussed what he had said and spoke about what was happening at School. We said we had no issue with him having a girlfriend as long as he was responsible and respectful.

He seemed happy that we were fine about it but eventually he wanted more time online and his schoolwork was starting to suffer .

He wanted more time online and was pushing to stay online until the early hours of the morning . My husband has his own business and I am a medical professional.

He eventually swore at us a word that I won’t repeat and said he wanted to go back and live with his mother who he has not seen in over 4 years all because he wants more time with his friends online especially the girl.

As I am a key worker he’s in School for 3 days also where he sees some friends and this particular girl. Now he wants more and more and we have tried to talk to him but he wants everything his own way and because of this he says he wants to leave because we are crap parents. We’ve had the comments that all his friends stay online for hours on end and why are we so strict . We have explained that we love him and we want a balance in his life where he takes time away from online activity and spend time with his family as well as his education.

The response we have had is horrendous, he’s insulted us and used words that have left us questioning if we even know him anymore . The catalyst for all this is the girl .

We are not blaming the girl at all . Our son has had his head turned and unfortunately is struggling to find a balance as he wants to charge in with both feet and neglect everything else .

We have tried everything to reason with him and he’s not interested at all. He wants to leave for all the wrong reasons which makes it so difficult. He feels his mother would allow him to do what he wants .

We have had no contact with her for over 4 years so don’t know where she is or what her situation is either .

We’ve explained any responsible parent wouldn’t let that happen . The other factor is we don’t live in the city where he goes to a school . We moved away when he came home 4 years ago but kept him at his School as it’s excellent.

We feel we have supported him through all his struggles and he has travelled all over the world with us and we even brought in tutors to help him with his exams . We want him to have a start in life and now we feel we are going to lose him because he’s in love .

I’m so sorry for the long post but I see my husband everyday and he’s so upset and tries to put a brave face on things . His son is his whole world and what makes this harder is his son knows this and seems hell bent on hurting his dad to get what he wants .

He is now throwing his education away as he wants to go to the same school for his A levels as the young girl . There’s just no talking to him anymore .

We have worked together with his School but there’s only so much support they can offer and ultimately he turns 16 years of age soon and then he can walk out. I just find it baffling a child is class as an adult at 16 years of age and can leave home.

Any advice would be really appreciated

He is not 'our son', he is your husband's son. He suffered so much with his mum abandonment.. He is 15 and you are telling him he is 'allowed a girlfriend'. You are unreasonably strict. I wonder why he is using bad language when he isnatlking about his dad. I think there might be a bloody good reason for that. Poor boy needs a therapy to deal with both parents

@Lotusmonster

I think it’s really hard when you have a DC that shows a lot of promise academically not to pounce all over that to the detriment of their mental well being. For whatever reason; puberty, family turmoil, friends, lockdown stress, school work etc this boy is dealing with a lot on his plate at this point in his life. I’m going to beg to differ from other posters on the use of phone/tech. I have a 17 year old son....we let him have his tech all day every day. However after 11:30 at night we want to see it outside of his bedroom. This is because, by his own confession a few times he’s sat up til 4.30am watching You Tube clips and then been a wreck for school or whatever the next day. Our view and actually his now, is that if you can’t get done whatever you need to do on tech by 11.30 at night then that’s not reasonable and sleep is important. Tech addiction is a thing. I’d consider getting a clinical psychologist online (probably privately) for your DS Op. He’s clearly a stressed Ladd, he’s not going to open up to you but he does need support and an outlet. If he’s smart, he will talk and listen to a psychologist. Then, just be patient and consistent and calm. It’s all you can do right now. Good luck 🤞

I have to say I would agree with this. We have a 16yo and like @Lotusmonster, we allow more or less unrestrained access to tech all day (the one exception being the main family meal time once a day when he has to sit at the table for 15 minutes to eat with us and not have his phone).

But he has no tech in his bedroom and he has to leave his phone downstairs on school nights. On Fridays/Saturdays he takes his phone to bed with him and I am sure is then chatting and watching rubbish till goodness knows what time - but not a major issue as he can sleep in the next day. It's a compromise that seems to work well for us.

But I suspect most teens are at the moment online more or less every day at the moment because, as others have said, they're not allowed to meet up in person so it's their way of socialising. 15yos don't, as a general rule, want to have regular 'family time away from screens'. They want to be with their friends. And girlfriends/boyfriends. It's an entirely normal part of growing up.

@Iwonder08

He is not 'our son', he is your husband's son. He suffered so much with his mum abandonment.. He is 15 and you are telling him he is 'allowed a girlfriend'. You are unreasonably strict. I wonder why he is using bad language when he isnatlking about his dad. I think there might be a bloody good reason for that. Poor boy needs a therapy to deal with both parents

Sadly worst of all when he gets to university, he will leave his family in the dust. I just hope he finds a lovely girl to heal him somewhat.

What's the TLDR? Teenage boy likes a girl?

That just about sums it up LunarHeather.

My child is same. Head turned. Inline. Rude loud obnoxious horrible. Swearing shouting banging threatening. If we were separated I’d swear he’d want to go live with other parent. As it is, I take his game things off him. Drives him mental but eventually settled down. And repeat. Sound perfectly normal to me. Apart from the separation thing.

@timetest

That just about sums it up LunarHeather.

So from what I read

Teen boy likes a girl

Behave a bit differently

Parents phone the school? Read his messages? That's appalling.

He sounds like a standard teenager to a large extent. BUT if the mother had mental health problems, it is possible that he will suffer some of the same issues and her abandonment of him can make that worse. Being rejected by your mother is a massive deal and will affect how he relates to women going forward in a number of ways. I would also expect him to push against you as hard as possible to make you reject him - a self fulfilling prophecy that "proves" how unworthy he is. And he will only cling to his girlfriend more.
It will be difficult to get a teen to a therapy setting without resistance but if you can, I would encourage therapy to deal with the trauma from his mum now. Everything else will probably sort itself out from there.

It's not about the girl, it's not necessarily about how strict you are, it's likely a deep rooted trauma that needs healing.

Quite honestly a lot of teenagers behave like this anyway regardless of their home circumstances.
My son was awful from 17 to 23 and ran away from home several times, hated everyone, did a load of drugs and so on.
I found it was essential to maintain my boundaries no matter what, not just give in because his father would. Mine was the solid, constant home with rules which is what he needed.
I knew he didn't really want to live with his father as he is horrendously flaky and unreliable and my son didn't even like him it was just a threat to try and make me loosen the house rules. Its important not to give in to all that but to be constant.
Now he's 40 he admits he was deliberately pushing my buttons and boundaries and said he felt much more secure knowing I wasn't going to play these games.

I think OP has had a hard time here.

My ds at 15 only had 60% school attendance. We went to the school. He is extremely bright with IQ over 140, capable of getting gcses at level 9 or not turning up for any.

So. By this threads logic he was old enough to choose and I was a over bearing parent approaching the school who was happy to ignore their statatory duty to report his absences to the LA.

I would have loved it if he was "just as, not my business" I could have wiped my hands of the monumental fuck up of a school life he had wondered into.

But unfortunately at 15 it's really to young legally to let them implode. Get some gcses first then give them.enough slack on the rope to hang. There will always have the gcses to fall back on.

Or maybe failing school and having no qualifications in a economy where he would have zero chance of employment is what the majority of parents would be best? The UK has a excellent benefit system. I'm sure it's easy at say 16 with no qualifications easier to turn your life around than getting gcses and THEN fucking up?

Anyway, as some have said. Not your kid, not tour problem. Your a stepmom. You cant win whatever you do

@ConeHat you're projecting

“He has travelled all over the world with us and we even brought in tutors”

This reminds me of “but we took you to stately homes”....

OP i don’t think you are actually listening to your DS or trying to understand him. One other thing that stands out from your OP is that you moved away and he didn’t see his mother for 4 years. Whose idea was the move? Was it to benefit your or your DHs career? What do you think the consequences are of this move on DS?

My Ds isn’t a teen yet but I remember being one
This sounds to me pretty normal. Testosterone surging through his body, being attracted to girls (or boys) is to be expected. You sound very formal and phoning the school about this seems bizarre. Certainly doesn’t sound like UK.
Had his head turned? Ok Emily Bronte.
I had a v strict mum, dad who was not a great dad and remember being told I was allowed a boyfriend at 16. All that taught me was that it was expected, I had many relationships to fit in and was probably considered a bit desperate for a boyfriend.
With teenagers, keep an eye on it but the more ok you are with something relatively normal, the less need for rebellion.
It’s his life, you’ve give him stability where you can but don’t be too quick to squeeze all normal living out of him or he may cut you out of his future for being so oppressive.

My ds at 15 only had 60% school attendance. We went to the school. He is extremely bright with IQ over 140, capable of getting gcses at level 9 or not turning up for any.

So. By this threads logic he was old enough to choose and I was a over bearing parent approaching the school who was happy to ignore their statatory duty to report his absences to the LA.

@ConeHatThere's a big difference between a boy truanting for 40% of school time, and another one... talking to girls.

@ConeHat but this thread is not about a young person who is disengaging from education .

World of difference between a YP dropping out of school with no qualifications whatsoever than a family that realises than the number of GCSEs gained is not the only thing that matters in bringing up a child .

@Synergy786 controlling, much? Poor lad, I feel claustrophobic just reading your post, he’s just a normal lad with normal hormones, let him try and live his life a bit, it’s difficult enough with a pandemic going on, without trying to stop any semblance of contact he has with the opposite sex.

I'm afraid from reading what you've wrote here, you are both on a path to completely destroying the relationship with your DH son, something he doesn't need after already losing 1 parent.
He is 15, not 5. To be reading his messages is a complete invasion of his privacy and calling the school as he's been messaging girls is 1. Weird behaviour and 2. Will be absolutely motrtifying for him.
As someone who moved out when I was 15, you really need to look at your parenting and start treating him in a more mature manner, otherwise you'll likely find he'll cut you out altogether. Telling him he's allowed a girlfriend? Really, he's 15?! In less than a year itll be legal for him to have sex and marry but I think you want him to be this little boy with good grades. I understand you want to protect him after what he's been through but there comes a time when you need to let up.

His not your son

Hes

feel for OP.
OP is getting an unfair bashing here.
Teens play parents against each other.
They are emotional & idealists.
It's standard but still upsetting.

I read OP as feeling very hurt about the swearing & anger & turning to the mostly absent mother. This is all very reasonable to be upset about.

You will find a way through all this, OP. Don't see it as personal rejection, he's wrestling with feelings nobody can control. I do agree with others you need to give him some more freedoms to do things that aren't your first choice for his behaviours.

So OP and dad should just give in to his every demand then? Playing mum and dad off against each other to get what he wants. Wouldn't happen in my house.
My house my rules and OP definitely has a say in that as she lives there.
I think she is getting a really hard time on here when this can happen to anyone.

Out of interest why did you move away?
Was this further away from his mum, did you discuss it with him?
Also your dh going to court wouldn't have impacted his son as in being dragged through a court what a ridiculous statement and shows your dh to be spineless.
I pity the poor lad, nobody has his best interests at heart, especially those who are supposed to love and care for him.

@Iwonder08

He is not 'our son', he is your husband's son. He suffered so much with his mum abandonment.. He is 15 and you are telling him he is 'allowed a girlfriend'. You are unreasonably strict. I wonder why he is using bad language when he isnatlking about his dad. I think there might be a bloody good reason for that. Poor boy needs a therapy to deal with both parents

I'll defend the OP here with a get to fuck.

She's been in the boy's life since he was a baby, is clearly invested in him and loves him as her own. She's stood by him when his own Mother has been unable to and has always been there, whether she is right or wrong.

She's been the only consistent Mother figure he has had throughout his life. Would you argue next his Mum could do a better job? Just because she is his step-parent doesn't make him not her son.

@ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat

His not your son

Yes he is.

You contacted his school because he's spending time chatting to some girls?! That's really overstepping the mark. You're also catastrophising. You're assuming that he will get bad grades, switch schools, fail his A-levels and leave home at 16! All because he's spending time chatting to a girl that he fancies.
Firstly, his mental health is the most important issue given his past and lockdown. You need to cut him some slack, esp on weekends at least and let him stay up chatting late if he wants to.
Firstly, chances are that things will fizzle out. If it does n't and if he changes school he's not throwing away his future. He could still do well.
If he does n't and flunks his grades, then it's a learning experience. In my experience interviewing candidates for posts, we check for the minimum education requirements and then focus on transferable skills and experience which are far more important. Also, he can't redo being 15. But he can redo any grades, should he wish to, at any point in the future. If he's bright, as you say he is, then he'll turn out fine in terms of getting a job etc. However, relationships can easily be damaged at this age as can self esteem etc. Boundaries are fine, but you need to be more flexible here and listen to him. Instead of imposing boundaries on him, have a chat and ask him what he considers to be a sensible compromise in terms of online chat, sleep and school work.