Our son has had his head turned

[Synergy786]

Hi , I’m a step mum to a 15 year old boy. I’ve been a part of his life since he was a baby . He was part of a shared agreement between my husband and his ex.

When he was around 10 his mother was not well and he came to live with us full time . ( he actually didn’t see her for a year which was her decision)

What was meant to be a short period of time eventually became over a year. and by the time his mother had recovered he did not want to go back and wanted to live with us full time .

As you can appreciate it didn’t go down too well with his mother and we tried everything to persuade him to go back to the original arrangement but to no avail.

We agreed that he would see his mum most evenings and hopefully work up to overnight stays. Unfortunately his mother decided she would take a different approach and decided to tell him that she could offer him a better life and they would have more fun etc and she then started saying things about his dad.

He would question his dad when he returned from his mother and start a sentence with “my mum said this about you is it true?”. No matter what my husband and I would say he wouldn’t accept anything and eventually he said he wanted to go live with his mother .

You can imagine we were devastated but my husband let him leave as he didn’t want to drag our son through the courts . We didn’t see him for about four weeks and out of the blue his mother phoned saying she couldn’t cope with him and had a life of her own .

My husband had spent weeks crying thinking he wouldn’t see his son again due to what the mother had been filling his head with and now she decided she couldn’t cope.

His son came home and he was a mess and felt he had been abandoned by her . We moved away and he has not seen her for over 4 years and now going through his teenage years it’s been difficult. He is a lovely boy and extremely intelligent.

He sat his mocks just before Xmas and had revised really hard and everything was fine . Once the exams were over and School broke up for Christmas break he became a different child.

He was moody , ignoring and really rude and was refusing to eat. We tried to speak to him and get to the bottom of it but all we got were one word answers . He then started with we were rubbish parents and he hated us etc . He said we were strict .... we asked him what he actually wanted and the fact we we’re in lockdown there wasn’t much he could do .

We gave him time to speak to his friends online etc it still didn’t change anything. It actually got worse to be honest . Then a few weeks ago he left the iPad after using it and he had left it open and my husband saw the conversations he was having.

Please note my husband only read the conversations because he was so worried about how he was behaving and what he read really upset him . My husband saw that our son was liked by a number of girls at School and this is why he wanted more time online .... so this would explain his behaviour changing because it all happened at the time we noticed the change just after his mocks .

We phoned the School to see if they could shed any light on it . They advised that they had noticed more female students were spending time with him and it had been noted .

We are really responsible parents and have always tried to give him a balance and we know we can’t protect him all the time but we are good parents . He received his mock results and gained 7 A stars and 4 A’s.

We are so glad that all this happened after his mocks . In his conversations he used horrendous language about his father . My husband was devastated as he thinks the world of his son .

We sat down with him and discussed what he had said and spoke about what was happening at School. We said we had no issue with him having a girlfriend as long as he was responsible and respectful.

He seemed happy that we were fine about it but eventually he wanted more time online and his schoolwork was starting to suffer .

He wanted more time online and was pushing to stay online until the early hours of the morning . My husband has his own business and I am a medical professional.

He eventually swore at us a word that I won’t repeat and said he wanted to go back and live with his mother who he has not seen in over 4 years all because he wants more time with his friends online especially the girl.

As I am a key worker he’s in School for 3 days also where he sees some friends and this particular girl. Now he wants more and more and we have tried to talk to him but he wants everything his own way and because of this he says he wants to leave because we are crap parents. We’ve had the comments that all his friends stay online for hours on end and why are we so strict . We have explained that we love him and we want a balance in his life where he takes time away from online activity and spend time with his family as well as his education.

The response we have had is horrendous, he’s insulted us and used words that have left us questioning if we even know him anymore . The catalyst for all this is the girl .

We are not blaming the girl at all . Our son has had his head turned and unfortunately is struggling to find a balance as he wants to charge in with both feet and neglect everything else .

We have tried everything to reason with him and he’s not interested at all. He wants to leave for all the wrong reasons which makes it so difficult. He feels his mother would allow him to do what he wants .

We have had no contact with her for over 4 years so don’t know where she is or what her situation is either .

We’ve explained any responsible parent wouldn’t let that happen . The other factor is we don’t live in the city where he goes to a school . We moved away when he came home 4 years ago but kept him at his School as it’s excellent.

We feel we have supported him through all his struggles and he has travelled all over the world with us and we even brought in tutors to help him with his exams . We want him to have a start in life and now we feel we are going to lose him because he’s in love .

I’m so sorry for the long post but I see my husband everyday and he’s so upset and tries to put a brave face on things . His son is his whole world and what makes this harder is his son knows this and seems hell bent on hurting his dad to get what he wants .

He is now throwing his education away as he wants to go to the same school for his A levels as the young girl . There’s just no talking to him anymore .

We have worked together with his School but there’s only so much support they can offer and ultimately he turns 16 years of age soon and then he can walk out. I just find it baffling a child is class as an adult at 16 years of age and can leave home.

Any advice would be really appreciated

Sounds challenging but also like 'nice problems to have' in comparison to crime, alcohol, drugs, self-harm / suicide and various other significant issues that so many other teenagers face.

What kind of restrictions on his online time are we talking about?

I am very strict with my 13y old's online time due to an online grooming incident last year but my 16y old has unlimited access. I remind him every evening that 11pm is 'off screens' time and nudge him towards a balanced life in other ways but he doesn't always take notice and I don't push it.

Invading privacy the way you have done can only ever be justified if you had serious safety concerns. Being rude doesn't cut it, sorry. If you want to have a relationship with your teenager of any kind you need to review your parenting style.

I hope this isn't too harsh - I can see both you and DH are distressed. I think your DH needs to get a grip with all the crying - his DS is just letting our anger at the situation (yes it may be directed at DH or a number of things, yes he may have told untruths about his Dad etc). However, he's very young, DS is trying to process what seem to be an awful few years when he was back and forth between homes and his mum abandoned him. DH needs to start acting more objectively and not be so emotional - his first priority is to help DS through - even if he's angry with him.

Second both you and DH seem controlling of your DS - he's 15, in a few years he will do whatever he wants to do. I know you are concerned about throwing his education away, but you won't "win" the fight. Let him do what he wants to do (within reason - provided he is respectful and reasonable with women etc) he should have more screen time in my view, you shouldn't be controlling whether he has a gf or not. If you keep controlling him you run the risk of him going massively off the rails when he gets to 18 in my opinion.

This is such a strange post. He’s 15, he’s studied hard and achieved great results. He has a girlfriend. Why are you speaking to the school about this? Most 15 year olds, study and socialise. It’s kinda all they can do at that age 😬

Is this a serious thread?

OP sounds llike an 80 year old Victorian lady from Bath.

I can’t get over that you called the school. That was very painful to read, I bet your son is dying inside from that one.

His 15, not 10. Treat him like it. His also not a extension of you and your most fabulous husband, he is his own person in his own right- him not becoming a brain surgeon by 18 is not a poor reflection of you. Get over yourself and let your son decide his own life!

It's healthy for teenagers to argue with their parents and get pissed off with them, it's part of the journey to self-actualisation & independence.

Agree that you are too strict. At 16 I would not have been impressed if my parents had tried to control my time. You can encourage and support but at the end of the day it's up to him whether he wants to work or spend time online chatting with the girl. It's also possible to do both! And I think you'll find that him spending time how he wants actually helps him to cope with the studying. Ah, those wonderful days of chatting to the boy online until 3 am...

If I called the school every time my girls spoke to or liked a boy, I never would have off the phone. They still managed to achieve great results. Back off and leave your son to be a normal hormonal teenager.

He is just being a 15 year old boy....lighten up....kids are all online more these days ....how else can they stay connected with their peers.... does it really matter where he goes to do his a levels? He sounds like a bright boy....would probably do well anywhere.....anyway....might be a non issue.....his relationship with his girlfriend may well fizzle out.... my 3 kids brought far more problems to my doorstep than your boy as teenagers.... and they all turned out just fine..... just chill

@BillieSpain 😀😀

Poor lad. His behaviour is all so normal and he's being demonised for it.

In Wales the grading system is still A* A etc, maybe they are in Wales!

Has 'had his head turned' is an odd phrase and way of looking at things. It makes it sound as if he has no agency, he has spells cast over him. You seem not to respect that he makes his own choices, difficult as those choices are for you.

OP, I have to ask are you from a Muslim background?

I ask simply because of your username?

@SummerBlondey

All typical 15 y/o behaviour. He will grow out of it. Why not encourage him to spend time with this girl? Invite her over to your house once restrictions are lifted.

But give her a beaker rather than the Royal Doulton with the hand-painted periwinkles. She's probably rather common.

Really? You called the school and they told you they had noticed him speaking to girls. Really? Teachers have nothing better to do than tally up communications between members of the opposite sex?

This isn’t real.

Do people normally control how much time a 15 yo in year 11 is online? Especially in lockdown. I find this really odd. Dd1 is 13 and we’ve set boundaries but she self moderates so I cannot imagine being that’s controlling. Plus a boyfriend or girlfriend at 15 is completely normal - I’d be more worried if he didn’t at this age.

This is just such a strange post in several ways.

1stly I think he should be old enough to pick where he does his Alevels its the start of him taking responsibility for his life. 2ndly I would never send a year 11 into school at present if you are not home he should be capable of looking after himself. 3rdly limiting his screen time particularly in a lock down where the screen is his only way of maintaining his friendships is a bit much. Again at this age he should be allowed to self limit his screen time my dc do they know they have to be up and working and do as they respect I trust them to do this.
I think you really need to let him make decisions and grow he's not a young child and in 2 years will possibly leave and go to Uni and then how are you going to monitor him?

You need to consider they can walk out at sixteen when you try enforcing unrealistic rules and boundaries which trying to prevent a teen boy fraternising with the opposite sex is.
He's almost sixteen it's no longer appropriate to smother him and keep the reins tight it's time to support his wishes and build adult relationships with him.
If he's working hard at school work then outside mealtimes and family chores then how he chooses to spend his time should be his choice. If you don't allow that choice he will choose with his feet I imagine.
I can't believe you spoke to the school regarding girls fancying him he must have been mortified. God knows how the teachers kept a straight face.

@Wearethetwirl

OP, I have to ask are you from a Muslim background?

I ask simply because of your username?

I wonder this too

You are suffocating him & why on earth would you ring the school about girls liking him, they surely must have thought that was incredibly weird!? It must be mortifying having a parent calling to investigate who he has been spending time with (also it is very hard to believe that a) they would either know or tell you b) that he would be in school at all. Our secondary school of 1200 pupils has 28 kids in in total from Year 9 and above all of whom have SEN. Presuming you are in the UK, in lockdown, then there is no need for a 15 year old with no additional needs to be in school, they are
perfectly capable of working remotely regardless of what you do, so what is that all about!?).. & as for ‘had his head turned’ that is such an odd thing to say..

Anyway, all the waffle, irrelevant weirdness and questionable facts aside - if you carry on treating him like that & making him feel like his emotions, feelings, opinions and choices are invalid and dismissing what he wants whilst imposing your version of how you want his life to be on him then he’ll have no self esteem or confidence in his own decisions when he finally gets to make some!

At his age he is at the point where he should be working out who he is and yet you are dictating his every move, no wonder he’s had enough. Try and release the stranglehold & tell him you love him, respect him and trust him to make his own decisions and you want him to stay - sit down and actually listen to what he wants and work together to give him the freedom and independence he should have/needs at that age.

That way you might get to keep him in your lives.

If you carry on micromanaging his life and trying to control him then he’ll run for the hills and never look back. I wouldn’t blame him.

Your son probably has some attachment issues. This girl who loves him and doesn’t tell him what to do or dictate to him constantly probably feels like the most important thing in the world right now.
You sound like you are far far too controlling. He’s nearly an adult. What is your biggest concern? School work? Sit down and work out a way he can keep up his grades and have more freedom.

I wonder if the OP will be back....

With the where to go for A levels conversation, why don’t you go and look at the school together, if he’s studying a levels it doesn’t matter where and relationships are fragile at this age. Look at different options, support wherever he chooses but encourage him to make the choice based on his likes .