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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Our son has had his head turned

191 replies

Synergy786 · 14/02/2021 10:07

Hi , I’m a step mum to a 15 year old boy. I’ve been a part of his life since he was a baby . He was part of a shared agreement between my husband and his ex.

When he was around 10 his mother was not well and he came to live with us full time . ( he actually didn’t see her for a year which was her decision)

What was meant to be a short period of time eventually became over a year. and by the time his mother had recovered he did not want to go back and wanted to live with us full time .

As you can appreciate it didn’t go down too well with his mother and we tried everything to persuade him to go back to the original arrangement but to no avail.

We agreed that he would see his mum most evenings and hopefully work up to overnight stays. Unfortunately his mother decided she would take a different approach and decided to tell him that she could offer him a better life and they would have more fun etc and she then started saying things about his dad.

He would question his dad when he returned from his mother and start a sentence with “my mum said this about you is it true?”. No matter what my husband and I would say he wouldn’t accept anything and eventually he said he wanted to go live with his mother .

You can imagine we were devastated but my husband let him leave as he didn’t want to drag our son through the courts . We didn’t see him for about four weeks and out of the blue his mother phoned saying she couldn’t cope with him and had a life of her own .

My husband had spent weeks crying thinking he wouldn’t see his son again due to what the mother had been filling his head with and now she decided she couldn’t cope.

His son came home and he was a mess and felt he had been abandoned by her . We moved away and he has not seen her for over 4 years and now going through his teenage years it’s been difficult. He is a lovely boy and extremely intelligent.

He sat his mocks just before Xmas and had revised really hard and everything was fine . Once the exams were over and School broke up for Christmas break he became a different child.

He was moody , ignoring and really rude and was refusing to eat. We tried to speak to him and get to the bottom of it but all we got were one word answers . He then started with we were rubbish parents and he hated us etc . He said we were strict .... we asked him what he actually wanted and the fact we we’re in lockdown there wasn’t much he could do .

We gave him time to speak to his friends online etc it still didn’t change anything. It actually got worse to be honest . Then a few weeks ago he left the iPad after using it and he had left it open and my husband saw the conversations he was having.

Please note my husband only read the conversations because he was so worried about how he was behaving and what he read really upset him . My husband saw that our son was liked by a number of girls at School and this is why he wanted more time online .... so this would explain his behaviour changing because it all happened at the time we noticed the change just after his mocks .

We phoned the School to see if they could shed any light on it . They advised that they had noticed more female students were spending time with him and it had been noted .

We are really responsible parents and have always tried to give him a balance and we know we can’t protect him all the time but we are good parents . He received his mock results and gained 7 A stars and 4 A’s.

We are so glad that all this happened after his mocks . In his conversations he used horrendous language about his father . My husband was devastated as he thinks the world of his son .

We sat down with him and discussed what he had said and spoke about what was happening at School. We said we had no issue with him having a girlfriend as long as he was responsible and respectful.

He seemed happy that we were fine about it but eventually he wanted more time online and his schoolwork was starting to suffer .

He wanted more time online and was pushing to stay online until the early hours of the morning . My husband has his own business and I am a medical professional.

He eventually swore at us a word that I won’t repeat and said he wanted to go back and live with his mother who he has not seen in over 4 years all because he wants more time with his friends online especially the girl.

As I am a key worker he’s in School for 3 days also where he sees some friends and this particular girl. Now he wants more and more and we have tried to talk to him but he wants everything his own way and because of this he says he wants to leave because we are crap parents. We’ve had the comments that all his friends stay online for hours on end and why are we so strict . We have explained that we love him and we want a balance in his life where he takes time away from online activity and spend time with his family as well as his education.

The response we have had is horrendous, he’s insulted us and used words that have left us questioning if we even know him anymore . The catalyst for all this is the girl .

We are not blaming the girl at all . Our son has had his head turned and unfortunately is struggling to find a balance as he wants to charge in with both feet and neglect everything else .

We have tried everything to reason with him and he’s not interested at all. He wants to leave for all the wrong reasons which makes it so difficult. He feels his mother would allow him to do what he wants .

We have had no contact with her for over 4 years so don’t know where she is or what her situation is either .

We’ve explained any responsible parent wouldn’t let that happen . The other factor is we don’t live in the city where he goes to a school . We moved away when he came home 4 years ago but kept him at his School as it’s excellent.

We feel we have supported him through all his struggles and he has travelled all over the world with us and we even brought in tutors to help him with his exams . We want him to have a start in life and now we feel we are going to lose him because he’s in love .

I’m so sorry for the long post but I see my husband everyday and he’s so upset and tries to put a brave face on things . His son is his whole world and what makes this harder is his son knows this and seems hell bent on hurting his dad to get what he wants .

He is now throwing his education away as he wants to go to the same school for his A levels as the young girl . There’s just no talking to him anymore .

We have worked together with his School but there’s only so much support they can offer and ultimately he turns 16 years of age soon and then he can walk out. I just find it baffling a child is class as an adult at 16 years of age and can leave home.

Any advice would be really appreciated

OP posts:
Primitivo1 · 14/02/2021 11:30

He sounds totally normal (which is a credit to you) despite everything he has been through)... but you are in danger of throwing all of that away if you don't start treating him like a 16 year old and not a 10 year old.

Rachie1973 · 14/02/2021 11:31

Jeez. I’m not sure how you’ll deal with this perfectly normal teenage boy

TheVanguardSix · 14/02/2021 11:32

Jeez. I’m not sure how you’ll deal with this perfectly normal teenage boy

My thoughts exactly.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/02/2021 11:33

I think you need to focus far less on the details here think much less in terms of control.

He has had an incredibly disrupted childhood. No matter how hard it is to get at the moment I think he needs someone neutral to talk about his experiences with. I think a trained counselling is vital.

needadvice54321 · 14/02/2021 11:34

You need to back off, whether you like it or not your DS's behaviour is pretty normal for a nearly 16 year old. I have a 17 year old DS, it hasn't been all plain sailing, but it's all about making him feel stable, guided , listened to and that his feelings and needs are important. I've found it tough at times, he's another bright one who's needed a gentle guide in the right direction, but we've got there in the end.

You're going to push him away if you're not careful

Summerhillsquare · 14/02/2021 11:35

Testosterone is a powerful drug OP. That, and the need to be loved where previously he has felt rejected, will be driving his behaviour.

needadvice54321 · 14/02/2021 11:38

@Summerhillsquare

Testosterone is a powerful drug OP. That, and the need to be loved where previously he has felt rejected, will be driving his behaviour.
Totally agree

I wanted to add to my previous post that I am separated from DS's Dad - have been since he was a baby. His younger childhood years were awful, his Dad wasn't brilliant at keeping up with contact etc. He still sees him now, but for the last few years it's been on DS's terms - he sees him when he wants to- and it's been much better for him. He's much happier being in control.

Please don't underestimate the impact it has on a child to have separated parents, particularly where there isn't stability

C152 · 14/02/2021 11:40

I disagree that you're being too strict, but it does seem like you may be reading too much into what sounds like normal teenage behaviour. Generally, teenagers push boundaries, like swearing at you and trying to manipulate the situation to get his own way; they do get obsessions, with things and people...other than continuing to be firm but fair, I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions. I wouldn't want my child to go to a terrible school just to be with a girlfriend, but if the school has decent teachers / offers the subjects he wants to study etc., does it matter whether or not he goes there?

Have you spoken to him like an adult? As in, what do you want to be doing once you leave school? Ok, well to do that you need to study this and get these sorts of grades etc.

toocold54 · 14/02/2021 11:44

Absolutely normal 15 year old behaviour.

You are totally suffocating him and he’s lashing out because he doesn’t know what else to do. You called the school because he’s been talking to girls??

I completely agree with this!
Most teens will go through this faze and you will find the worst ones are the ones with stricter upbringings.

It is lovely to read that you are such good parents and it is so difficult to find that balance. But actually if you loosen the reins a bit he might go silly at first but then will probably take more responsibility and behave better. This doesn’t mean giving him free rage to do whatever he wants but he wants to feel like an adult with a voice so acting like you are giving him more choices and freedom will do this for him.

Crewtshirt · 14/02/2021 11:46

Reading this my first thought was that you both must be from overseas and have different cultural references. This is normal teen behaviour. I think you are getting your knickers in a right twist!

SarahBellam · 14/02/2021 11:46

How much online time are you allowing him? My DCs are online most of the time now. As long as they have done their lessons and homework, I have no problem with them gaming or watching TV or exercising with their friends online - because that’s where all their friends are now. My DD does a YouTube exercise video with her friend 3 times a week, they watch movies and TV shows together from their homes - linked up via Messenger or WhatsApp, and my DS games and has singing competitions (that’s what it sounds like anyway). They are both very hard workers and straight A students who win awards for their achievements. Lockdown is really hard for all of us. This offers them a way to be social, and it’s likely to be the way a lot of them will work in the future.

MumOfPsuedoAdult · 14/02/2021 11:47

OP your headline is very dramatic. When I read it I was expecting to read a post about someone being radicalised. You're describing normal 15 year old boy who (as others have said) will vote with his feet if you don't give him some space.

Haffiana · 14/02/2021 11:47

He is 14. He doesn't need his parents telling him which girls he can speak to, or micromanaging his friendships. Back the fuck off.

How can you even begin to think this is OK?

WeAllHaveWings · 14/02/2021 11:49

Add you say there needs to be balance between school work and online.

But it does sound as though his and your ideas of what is a healthy balance are very different and you are pushing him away.

Redcrayons · 14/02/2021 11:50

We have worked together with his School but there’s only so much support they can offer and ultimately he turns 16 years of age soon and then he can walk out. I just find it baffling a child is class as an adult at 16 years of age and can leave home

Loosen up the apron strings or he just might.

It’s a tough transition to parent late teens, I know I struggled to stop thinking about them as little kids. And with his difficult early years, you are bound to feel a little over protective.

Look At the big picture, he wants to do A levels, just not where you want him to.

EveryoneRevealsThemselves · 14/02/2021 11:52

He’s a 15 year old teenager who has been utterly abandoned by his mother and is living through a pandemic. Frankly it sounds like he and you are doing rather better than one would expect.

Is he receiving counselling? After everything with his mother that should be a priority regardless of everything else.

I understand wanting to look after and protect him and obviously we can only go on what we read here, but your posts come across as incredibly controlling and suffocating.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/02/2021 11:55

He sounds like a vey normal teen. Just let him be.

mywifi · 14/02/2021 11:56

We phoned the School to see if they could shed any light on it . They advised that they had noticed more female students were spending time with him and it had been noted .

Really? A school notices that a 15 year old boy is interested in girls and they make a note of it. They must be making a lot of notes about the perfectly normal teenagers then.

MoiraNotRuby · 14/02/2021 11:56

Are you really the step mum, your post sounds like it is written by a man?

PinkyParrot · 14/02/2021 11:57

Counselling to deal with his DM's behaviour.
How much time do his fellow pupil's/friends get online - you can police it all you want by turning off the wifi but he will not be happy if everyone else is online.

LittleTiger007 · 14/02/2021 11:57

@LadyCatStark

Absolutely normal 15 year old behaviour.

You are totally suffocating him and he’s lashing out because he doesn’t know what else to do. You called the school because he’s been talking to girls??

This.

I agree that this sounds very very painful for you and your other half. But this is 15 year olds for you, especially 15 year olds who have been abandoned by their mother. The love and time you have put in will not be rewarded now but in the future when he is more mature he will show his appreciation. For now you are going through the tough years of parenting a damaged boy.
Be there for him when he needs you, but you need to acknowledge his age and give him a little more freedom before he votes with his feet. Freedom accompanied with support and unquestionable love - so that he has a safe place to call home when things go wrong.
It’s so hard. Stay strong and help your husband realise that this is a normally difficult time for parents. Sadly it’s been made far more difficult by the poor parenting by his mother. Stay consistent for him and he will thank you for it in the future by still including you in his life, and you will be securing your relationship with him into adulthood.

Backtobacktheyfacedeachother · 14/02/2021 11:59

@OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea

The exams have been headed with numbers not letters for some time now......
Op might not be in England, could be in Wales.
unbotheredbutbewildered · 14/02/2021 12:01

Heaven forbid a 15 year old boy hit pubity and has a girl like him.... And ringing the school because a girl likes him is NOT ACCEPTABLE. You sound overbearing and smothering. If I was your SS I would be mortified!

If you carry on the way you are you're only going to alienate him.

He's a teenager. Let him act like one.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 14/02/2021 12:02

Agree with everyone else, only weird thing here is how you are acting. Can you not see what a weird, infantilising thing it is to do to a 15 year old, calling their school about them talking to a girl?

jumpyturtles · 14/02/2021 12:03

Why did you call the school just because a few people have a crush on him? And how is he throwing his education away by going to a different college?