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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Our son has had his head turned

191 replies

Synergy786 · 14/02/2021 10:07

Hi , I’m a step mum to a 15 year old boy. I’ve been a part of his life since he was a baby . He was part of a shared agreement between my husband and his ex.

When he was around 10 his mother was not well and he came to live with us full time . ( he actually didn’t see her for a year which was her decision)

What was meant to be a short period of time eventually became over a year. and by the time his mother had recovered he did not want to go back and wanted to live with us full time .

As you can appreciate it didn’t go down too well with his mother and we tried everything to persuade him to go back to the original arrangement but to no avail.

We agreed that he would see his mum most evenings and hopefully work up to overnight stays. Unfortunately his mother decided she would take a different approach and decided to tell him that she could offer him a better life and they would have more fun etc and she then started saying things about his dad.

He would question his dad when he returned from his mother and start a sentence with “my mum said this about you is it true?”. No matter what my husband and I would say he wouldn’t accept anything and eventually he said he wanted to go live with his mother .

You can imagine we were devastated but my husband let him leave as he didn’t want to drag our son through the courts . We didn’t see him for about four weeks and out of the blue his mother phoned saying she couldn’t cope with him and had a life of her own .

My husband had spent weeks crying thinking he wouldn’t see his son again due to what the mother had been filling his head with and now she decided she couldn’t cope.

His son came home and he was a mess and felt he had been abandoned by her . We moved away and he has not seen her for over 4 years and now going through his teenage years it’s been difficult. He is a lovely boy and extremely intelligent.

He sat his mocks just before Xmas and had revised really hard and everything was fine . Once the exams were over and School broke up for Christmas break he became a different child.

He was moody , ignoring and really rude and was refusing to eat. We tried to speak to him and get to the bottom of it but all we got were one word answers . He then started with we were rubbish parents and he hated us etc . He said we were strict .... we asked him what he actually wanted and the fact we we’re in lockdown there wasn’t much he could do .

We gave him time to speak to his friends online etc it still didn’t change anything. It actually got worse to be honest . Then a few weeks ago he left the iPad after using it and he had left it open and my husband saw the conversations he was having.

Please note my husband only read the conversations because he was so worried about how he was behaving and what he read really upset him . My husband saw that our son was liked by a number of girls at School and this is why he wanted more time online .... so this would explain his behaviour changing because it all happened at the time we noticed the change just after his mocks .

We phoned the School to see if they could shed any light on it . They advised that they had noticed more female students were spending time with him and it had been noted .

We are really responsible parents and have always tried to give him a balance and we know we can’t protect him all the time but we are good parents . He received his mock results and gained 7 A stars and 4 A’s.

We are so glad that all this happened after his mocks . In his conversations he used horrendous language about his father . My husband was devastated as he thinks the world of his son .

We sat down with him and discussed what he had said and spoke about what was happening at School. We said we had no issue with him having a girlfriend as long as he was responsible and respectful.

He seemed happy that we were fine about it but eventually he wanted more time online and his schoolwork was starting to suffer .

He wanted more time online and was pushing to stay online until the early hours of the morning . My husband has his own business and I am a medical professional.

He eventually swore at us a word that I won’t repeat and said he wanted to go back and live with his mother who he has not seen in over 4 years all because he wants more time with his friends online especially the girl.

As I am a key worker he’s in School for 3 days also where he sees some friends and this particular girl. Now he wants more and more and we have tried to talk to him but he wants everything his own way and because of this he says he wants to leave because we are crap parents. We’ve had the comments that all his friends stay online for hours on end and why are we so strict . We have explained that we love him and we want a balance in his life where he takes time away from online activity and spend time with his family as well as his education.

The response we have had is horrendous, he’s insulted us and used words that have left us questioning if we even know him anymore . The catalyst for all this is the girl .

We are not blaming the girl at all . Our son has had his head turned and unfortunately is struggling to find a balance as he wants to charge in with both feet and neglect everything else .

We have tried everything to reason with him and he’s not interested at all. He wants to leave for all the wrong reasons which makes it so difficult. He feels his mother would allow him to do what he wants .

We have had no contact with her for over 4 years so don’t know where she is or what her situation is either .

We’ve explained any responsible parent wouldn’t let that happen . The other factor is we don’t live in the city where he goes to a school . We moved away when he came home 4 years ago but kept him at his School as it’s excellent.

We feel we have supported him through all his struggles and he has travelled all over the world with us and we even brought in tutors to help him with his exams . We want him to have a start in life and now we feel we are going to lose him because he’s in love .

I’m so sorry for the long post but I see my husband everyday and he’s so upset and tries to put a brave face on things . His son is his whole world and what makes this harder is his son knows this and seems hell bent on hurting his dad to get what he wants .

He is now throwing his education away as he wants to go to the same school for his A levels as the young girl . There’s just no talking to him anymore .

We have worked together with his School but there’s only so much support they can offer and ultimately he turns 16 years of age soon and then he can walk out. I just find it baffling a child is class as an adult at 16 years of age and can leave home.

Any advice would be really appreciated

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 14/02/2021 12:55

I don't think you're doing anything wrong Op. You obviously care very deeply about DS and want him to have the best in life. Can you find someone you/DH and DS both respect to discuss this with? It may be that your DS has concerns that he doesn't feel are being listened to.

SoosanCarter · 14/02/2021 12:58

@Crewtshirt

Reading this my first thought was that you both must be from overseas and have different cultural references. This is normal teen behaviour. I think you are getting your knickers in a right twist!
Exactly my thoughts. Maybe you have your heart set on him becoming a doctor or lawyer?
saraclara · 14/02/2021 12:58

Your son probably has some attachment issues. This girl who loves him and doesn’t tell him what to do or dictate to him constantly probably feels like the most important thing in the world right now.

Absolutely. There's no way that going through what he has with his mother, will have left him undamaged. Attachment issues will have left him craving approval and acceptance.

I think someone else asked if he's had counselling. That would be my question too. He's bound to have some complex questions and needs, having been rejected multiple times by his mother.

willithappen · 14/02/2021 13:00

Are you monitoring/restricting his time online? That may be the main issue. Do you take away his access to go online?

When I was that age I was up til all hours of the night and would chat with friends a lot. I can imagine it's more now as they can't see each other

Would you consider allowing him a bit more freedom with being online?

IEat · 14/02/2021 13:04

He’s a lad he like someone. He isn’t throwing his education away he’s making choices. I’d you and dh dint start to relax you’ll drive him away. Remember he will have feelings of abandonment from his mum. Please think carefully if how you and dh move forward. Support the lad to be who he wants to be

flowersWB · 14/02/2021 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devlesko · 14/02/2021 13:20

You sound quite unhinged and I'd like to hear the mums side of it.
He's not your son, you need to butt out.
One minute he's "our" son, then he's dh's make your mind up.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 14/02/2021 13:21

Girls don’t turn boys head,they aren’t malevolent sexual temptresses
Boys & girls get together because they want to. Mutual attraction & interest
He is a smart young man with a girlfriend, he’s finding himself and pushing boundaries
You do seem overly prescriptive and it probably feels smothering to him
Ease up a bit

Hannahusky · 14/02/2021 13:21

That poor boy has been through so much already. He's probably feeling confused and goodness knows what his mum has put him through, especially if one day she just decided she had enough of him.
Teenage years are so important. He is creating his identity and figuring out who he is. If you make him feel bad about wanting to have a relationship, this will have massive implications on how he views relationships. My lovely mother in law, who's a devout Catholic has four sons and has always had an environment of talking openly and honestly about sex and relationships with her boys. Her personal belief is no sex before marriage but she has never forced her strict beliefs on anyone else (and is not so naive to expect her four sons to have this view). What I'm getting at there is your son needs to be able to talk about these things with you and not feel vilified to have a girlfriend.
On one hand, he has a mum who doesn't care and on the other hand he's very controlled. Both my nephews and my step-niece are spending way more time online than they would have before. It's the only way for kids to socialise at the moment and surely it's way healthier than constant solitude.

thosetalesofunexpected · 14/02/2021 13:22

@Synergy786

Your step son desperately crying out for emotional empathic support to handle the emotional shit experiences he has had misfortune to deal in life at such a young age.

The best way forward is for your step son to have as soon as possible good therapy.

The therapies that would be beneficial help him are CBT cognitive behavioural therapy and Counselling ,Hypnotherapy.

CBT is good effective with how to deal with difficult emotional baggages in life ,how to handle stuff like this in a more effective ways etc.

Counselling helps people to have better perspective on emotional difficult stuff that's happened to that person.

Hypnotherapy helps benefits does he suffer from anxiety with his personal issues op?
If he does?
Hypnotherapy helps effective with dealing with this.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 14/02/2021 13:22

FFS Wales still uses grades with letters for GCSEs. Maybe they live in Wales, not England.

shinynewapple21 · 14/02/2021 13:24

What you are describing here is normal teenage behaviour . You should not have read his messages . At 15 he needs to learn independence , gain his own identify . Part of that will involve using language you may not approve of, listening to music you may not approve of, having friends and girlfriends you may not approve of .

The most important things with raising older teens is keeping lines of communication open and picking your battles .

I'm not quite sure where you have extrapolated wanting to go to different sixth form provision to your original preference to 'moving out age 16' .

At this age you need to get to listening to him. Find out who he is, what he wants rather than feeling he is failing you because he is rightfully becoming independent and his views may no longer be the same as yours .

justasking111 · 14/02/2021 13:25

@Synergy786

Hi , I’m a step mum to a 15 year old boy. I’ve been a part of his life since he was a baby . He was part of a shared agreement between my husband and his ex.

When he was around 10 his mother was not well and he came to live with us full time . ( he actually didn’t see her for a year which was her decision)

What was meant to be a short period of time eventually became over a year. and by the time his mother had recovered he did not want to go back and wanted to live with us full time .

As you can appreciate it didn’t go down too well with his mother and we tried everything to persuade him to go back to the original arrangement but to no avail.

We agreed that he would see his mum most evenings and hopefully work up to overnight stays. Unfortunately his mother decided she would take a different approach and decided to tell him that she could offer him a better life and they would have more fun etc and she then started saying things about his dad.

He would question his dad when he returned from his mother and start a sentence with “my mum said this about you is it true?”. No matter what my husband and I would say he wouldn’t accept anything and eventually he said he wanted to go live with his mother .

You can imagine we were devastated but my husband let him leave as he didn’t want to drag our son through the courts . We didn’t see him for about four weeks and out of the blue his mother phoned saying she couldn’t cope with him and had a life of her own .

My husband had spent weeks crying thinking he wouldn’t see his son again due to what the mother had been filling his head with and now she decided she couldn’t cope.

His son came home and he was a mess and felt he had been abandoned by her . We moved away and he has not seen her for over 4 years and now going through his teenage years it’s been difficult. He is a lovely boy and extremely intelligent.

He sat his mocks just before Xmas and had revised really hard and everything was fine . Once the exams were over and School broke up for Christmas break he became a different child.

He was moody , ignoring and really rude and was refusing to eat. We tried to speak to him and get to the bottom of it but all we got were one word answers . He then started with we were rubbish parents and he hated us etc . He said we were strict .... we asked him what he actually wanted and the fact we we’re in lockdown there wasn’t much he could do .

We gave him time to speak to his friends online etc it still didn’t change anything. It actually got worse to be honest . Then a few weeks ago he left the iPad after using it and he had left it open and my husband saw the conversations he was having.

Please note my husband only read the conversations because he was so worried about how he was behaving and what he read really upset him . My husband saw that our son was liked by a number of girls at School and this is why he wanted more time online .... so this would explain his behaviour changing because it all happened at the time we noticed the change just after his mocks .

We phoned the School to see if they could shed any light on it . They advised that they had noticed more female students were spending time with him and it had been noted .

We are really responsible parents and have always tried to give him a balance and we know we can’t protect him all the time but we are good parents . He received his mock results and gained 7 A stars and 4 A’s.

We are so glad that all this happened after his mocks . In his conversations he used horrendous language about his father . My husband was devastated as he thinks the world of his son .

We sat down with him and discussed what he had said and spoke about what was happening at School. We said we had no issue with him having a girlfriend as long as he was responsible and respectful.

He seemed happy that we were fine about it but eventually he wanted more time online and his schoolwork was starting to suffer .

He wanted more time online and was pushing to stay online until the early hours of the morning . My husband has his own business and I am a medical professional.

He eventually swore at us a word that I won’t repeat and said he wanted to go back and live with his mother who he has not seen in over 4 years all because he wants more time with his friends online especially the girl.

As I am a key worker he’s in School for 3 days also where he sees some friends and this particular girl. Now he wants more and more and we have tried to talk to him but he wants everything his own way and because of this he says he wants to leave because we are crap parents. We’ve had the comments that all his friends stay online for hours on end and why are we so strict . We have explained that we love him and we want a balance in his life where he takes time away from online activity and spend time with his family as well as his education.

The response we have had is horrendous, he’s insulted us and used words that have left us questioning if we even know him anymore . The catalyst for all this is the girl .

We are not blaming the girl at all . Our son has had his head turned and unfortunately is struggling to find a balance as he wants to charge in with both feet and neglect everything else .

We have tried everything to reason with him and he’s not interested at all. He wants to leave for all the wrong reasons which makes it so difficult. He feels his mother would allow him to do what he wants .

We have had no contact with her for over 4 years so don’t know where she is or what her situation is either .

We’ve explained any responsible parent wouldn’t let that happen . The other factor is we don’t live in the city where he goes to a school . We moved away when he came home 4 years ago but kept him at his School as it’s excellent.

We feel we have supported him through all his struggles and he has travelled all over the world with us and we even brought in tutors to help him with his exams . We want him to have a start in life and now we feel we are going to lose him because he’s in love .

I’m so sorry for the long post but I see my husband everyday and he’s so upset and tries to put a brave face on things . His son is his whole world and what makes this harder is his son knows this and seems hell bent on hurting his dad to get what he wants .

He is now throwing his education away as he wants to go to the same school for his A levels as the young girl . There’s just no talking to him anymore .

We have worked together with his School but there’s only so much support they can offer and ultimately he turns 16 years of age soon and then he can walk out. I just find it baffling a child is class as an adult at 16 years of age and can leave home.

Any advice would be really appreciated

@Synergy786 has not responded in six pages. Some excellent advice here. I do wonder as a stepmum how much she has been groomed as to what is the best way to parent though. mmmm...
WhySoSensitive · 14/02/2021 13:26

You rang the school... because he has a crush on a girl and she has one on him?
Poor kid.

austenwildfell · 14/02/2021 13:26

You have been wonderful for sticking at this through the provocation that you have had. The Mother is no help is she.

I was thinking that you mentioned your and DH own careers because of needing sleep and being very committed to those jobs.
You have faced some hard comments on this thread about your attitude to the girl friend. Do you suspect her of being 'manipulative' or something like that. At 15 -16 girls can be so much more mature than similar aged boys.

To me it seems reasonable that he needs guidance, which you are seeking to give. Very good.
But do not bang your head against a brick wall, if he is determined not to change, stop trying to force the issue.

Lotusmonster · 14/02/2021 13:29

I think it’s really hard when you have a DC that shows a lot of promise academically not to pounce all over that to the detriment of their mental well being. For whatever reason; puberty, family turmoil, friends, lockdown stress, school work etc this boy is dealing with a lot on his plate at this point in his life.
I’m going to beg to differ from other posters on the use of phone/tech. I have a 17 year old son....we let him have his tech all day every day. However after 11:30 at night we want to see it outside of his bedroom. This is because, by his own confession a few times he’s sat up til 4.30am watching You Tube clips and then been a wreck for school or whatever the next day. Our view and actually his now, is that if you can’t get done whatever you need to do on tech by 11.30 at night then that’s not reasonable and sleep is important. Tech addiction is a thing.
I’d consider getting a clinical psychologist online (probably privately) for your DS Op. He’s clearly a stressed Ladd, he’s not going to open up to you but he does need support and an outlet. If he’s smart, he will talk and listen to a psychologist. Then, just be patient and consistent and calm. It’s all you can do right now. Good luck 🤞

Susie477 · 14/02/2021 13:29

He hasn't ‘had his head turned’. He has got a girlfriend, and he is growing up. This is perfectly natural and normal. Your reaction to it is not normal.

A 15 year old boy is perfectly entitled to have a girlfriend without his parents reading his online conversations with her or contacting his school about their relationship. You need to back right off, apologise to him for your behaviour and start respecting his privacy. If you don’t, you are running a huge risk of alienating him completely and permanently.

shinynewapple21 · 14/02/2021 13:29

Please don't take on board the advice of posters saying to pull the boy from school as he doesn't need to go for childcare . It's absolutely vital that he gets any opportunity he is (legally)offered to mix with other young people .

Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2021 13:30

It's shocking that you rang the school because your stepson likes a girl. Honestly, it's so absurd I can't find words for it. You're acting as though he has turned to the dark side just because he wants a girlfriend. The poor kid is undoubtedly humiliated by your interference and reaction.

ooohbriefcase · 14/02/2021 13:34

I already feel sorry for your future DIL.

firstimemamma · 14/02/2021 13:36

@Susie477 has hit the nail on the head.

IseeIsee · 14/02/2021 13:38

I think you have included that you are in the medical field and your DP is a businessman to highlight that you are successful people who expect a successful child. You then include a big story about the mother to try give info on why you think the child isn't turning out how you perfect people expect him too. It's the waywards Mother's fault. You then go on to describe perfectly normal behaviour. I actually feel sorry for him between his Mother abandoning him and his Father feeling like he deserves an Oscar for playing father of the year, he just has no luck. Still he seems very resilient and if popular then likely charming so he will probably be fine in the end

GabsAlot · 14/02/2021 13:39

i loved boys at 15 -hated my parents hardly said a word to them and if i did it turned into an argument (poorparents)

its perfectly normal to like girls and take an interest-and you saying he can do what he likes at 16 well not really i mean noone would force him but he has to have an education till 18 or a job-by law

justasking111 · 14/02/2021 13:40

@Synergy786 is there such a thing as a Stepford step-mother? She is just echoing his masters voice from what I can gather .

MissKhan1990 · 14/02/2021 13:44

Are you jealous? Because from your post that's what it sounds like. You clearly don't have a lot of experience of teenagers, if you think it isn't normal for someone of your Ss age yo be into girls. Hormones are all over the place at that age and emotional intelligence isn't fully developed which is probably why your Ss is finding it so intense.

I would be mortified if my parents called the school.

You need to reassess your behaviour and so does your husband. You will drive your SS away. I can't imagine what you would be like with a daughter in law.