Our son has had his head turned

[Synergy786]

Hi , I’m a step mum to a 15 year old boy. I’ve been a part of his life since he was a baby . He was part of a shared agreement between my husband and his ex.

When he was around 10 his mother was not well and he came to live with us full time . ( he actually didn’t see her for a year which was her decision)

What was meant to be a short period of time eventually became over a year. and by the time his mother had recovered he did not want to go back and wanted to live with us full time .

As you can appreciate it didn’t go down too well with his mother and we tried everything to persuade him to go back to the original arrangement but to no avail.

We agreed that he would see his mum most evenings and hopefully work up to overnight stays. Unfortunately his mother decided she would take a different approach and decided to tell him that she could offer him a better life and they would have more fun etc and she then started saying things about his dad.

He would question his dad when he returned from his mother and start a sentence with “my mum said this about you is it true?”. No matter what my husband and I would say he wouldn’t accept anything and eventually he said he wanted to go live with his mother .

You can imagine we were devastated but my husband let him leave as he didn’t want to drag our son through the courts . We didn’t see him for about four weeks and out of the blue his mother phoned saying she couldn’t cope with him and had a life of her own .

My husband had spent weeks crying thinking he wouldn’t see his son again due to what the mother had been filling his head with and now she decided she couldn’t cope.

His son came home and he was a mess and felt he had been abandoned by her . We moved away and he has not seen her for over 4 years and now going through his teenage years it’s been difficult. He is a lovely boy and extremely intelligent.

He sat his mocks just before Xmas and had revised really hard and everything was fine . Once the exams were over and School broke up for Christmas break he became a different child.

He was moody , ignoring and really rude and was refusing to eat. We tried to speak to him and get to the bottom of it but all we got were one word answers . He then started with we were rubbish parents and he hated us etc . He said we were strict .... we asked him what he actually wanted and the fact we we’re in lockdown there wasn’t much he could do .

We gave him time to speak to his friends online etc it still didn’t change anything. It actually got worse to be honest . Then a few weeks ago he left the iPad after using it and he had left it open and my husband saw the conversations he was having.

Please note my husband only read the conversations because he was so worried about how he was behaving and what he read really upset him . My husband saw that our son was liked by a number of girls at School and this is why he wanted more time online .... so this would explain his behaviour changing because it all happened at the time we noticed the change just after his mocks .

We phoned the School to see if they could shed any light on it . They advised that they had noticed more female students were spending time with him and it had been noted .

We are really responsible parents and have always tried to give him a balance and we know we can’t protect him all the time but we are good parents . He received his mock results and gained 7 A stars and 4 A’s.

We are so glad that all this happened after his mocks . In his conversations he used horrendous language about his father . My husband was devastated as he thinks the world of his son .

We sat down with him and discussed what he had said and spoke about what was happening at School. We said we had no issue with him having a girlfriend as long as he was responsible and respectful.

He seemed happy that we were fine about it but eventually he wanted more time online and his schoolwork was starting to suffer .

He wanted more time online and was pushing to stay online until the early hours of the morning . My husband has his own business and I am a medical professional.

He eventually swore at us a word that I won’t repeat and said he wanted to go back and live with his mother who he has not seen in over 4 years all because he wants more time with his friends online especially the girl.

As I am a key worker he’s in School for 3 days also where he sees some friends and this particular girl. Now he wants more and more and we have tried to talk to him but he wants everything his own way and because of this he says he wants to leave because we are crap parents. We’ve had the comments that all his friends stay online for hours on end and why are we so strict . We have explained that we love him and we want a balance in his life where he takes time away from online activity and spend time with his family as well as his education.

The response we have had is horrendous, he’s insulted us and used words that have left us questioning if we even know him anymore . The catalyst for all this is the girl .

We are not blaming the girl at all . Our son has had his head turned and unfortunately is struggling to find a balance as he wants to charge in with both feet and neglect everything else .

We have tried everything to reason with him and he’s not interested at all. He wants to leave for all the wrong reasons which makes it so difficult. He feels his mother would allow him to do what he wants .

We have had no contact with her for over 4 years so don’t know where she is or what her situation is either .

We’ve explained any responsible parent wouldn’t let that happen . The other factor is we don’t live in the city where he goes to a school . We moved away when he came home 4 years ago but kept him at his School as it’s excellent.

We feel we have supported him through all his struggles and he has travelled all over the world with us and we even brought in tutors to help him with his exams . We want him to have a start in life and now we feel we are going to lose him because he’s in love .

I’m so sorry for the long post but I see my husband everyday and he’s so upset and tries to put a brave face on things . His son is his whole world and what makes this harder is his son knows this and seems hell bent on hurting his dad to get what he wants .

He is now throwing his education away as he wants to go to the same school for his A levels as the young girl . There’s just no talking to him anymore .

We have worked together with his School but there’s only so much support they can offer and ultimately he turns 16 years of age soon and then he can walk out. I just find it baffling a child is class as an adult at 16 years of age and can leave home.

Any advice would be really appreciated

I know you are doing this with the best intentions, but you are far too involved in micromanaging his life.

My mum and step dad were very similar when I was growing up, snd it's only now when I look back I realise how controlling they were.
Absolutely you need to have boundaries and set limits about what you think is acceptable behaviour, but let him live his life a bit.

Having divorced parents who don't get along, or who let you down, is hard, and can have significant impacts on the children involved. I'd suggest you maybe take a step back, and just let him be a little. I feel under pressure from your posts and I'm just reading about it from a distance, as 40 something mother of two!

All typical 15 y/o behaviour. He will grow out of it. Why not encourage him to spend time with this girl? Invite her over to your house once restrictions are lifted.

I feel suffocated just reading that.

Step right back and let him breathe, have his own life, fall in love, make his own mistakes. It's annoying how much time teens spend on social media but that's life.

This is all completely normal.

If you don't give him a break you will lose him.

You called the school because he’s been talking to girls??

Yep, I'm still trying to get my head around that, too.

You and your DH seem to live a very rarefied life outside of the norm, OP. He's 15 and you think him talking to girls is a problem?

While his language is unacceptable, you both really need to trust him more and loosen the leash a LOT. Because it seems that he's right. You really are too strict with him. And while he finds his relationship with you both difficult, he will continue to look for acceptance and warmth elsewhere.

The swearing is not on, but everything else is just normal teenage behaviour. It feels like Romeo and Juliet at that age when you like someone for the first time and it's reciprocated. Do you not remember feeling that way? Your son has done really, amazingly well considering the crap his mother has put him through. I would back off completely. What you did phoning the school would have felt like a MASSIVE invasion of privacy at that age. As a teen your friends and GFs/BFs are your world. Try and think back to how you felt at that age. But honestly, back off or you'll lose him.

I don't agree that it's 'normal' behaviour for teens to verbally abuse their parents, or stay online until the early hours. I never did it to mine and my children never did it to me. This is the worst part of his behaviour and it's unacceptable.

His relationship with girls sounds normal. Most teenagers obsess over love interests. I did and yes it affected my school work and grades, but in our society that's normal - not so in others - but I believe there is a balance to be struck.

He's stuck between a rock and a hard place. His mother would be permissive but doesn't want him, his father is authoritarian. It's no wonder he has emotional problems the poor lad. Would he be open to counselling?

You obviously care about him very much and have been a stable force in his life, but you need to step back a little. It's so tough for kids at the moment, so contact with and emotional support from their friends is essential.

Good luck.

What?? You called the school because you thought some girls liked him, this is an extreme reaction and highly embarrassing for your son, no wonder he is lashing out, give him his space.

He sounds like a normal teenage boy and unless you let him behave like one you will lose him.

Let him go to a different school to do his A levels for a start. Lots of teenages choose to do that.

You both need to stop being so controlling. Give him more freedom whilst letting him know that you are both their for him should he want to talk. Calling the school was a big No, as was reading his private communications.

No one comments on A* anymore as they only exist for A level. If this is a real post. You have issues not your son. He is 16 not 6. It almost like you are strict religious family, thinking all relationships are a sin

It's time to land the helicopter.

Why does a fifteen year old need to be in school because you're a keyworker?! Surely he's capable of independent learning.

My daughter is technically entitled to a keyworker place but I wouldn't dream of sending her at the age of fifteen because I'd be contributing the the overall problem.

You sound incredibly overbearing. It's perfectly normal to have a girlfriend at his age.

I don't agree that it's 'normal' behaviour for teens to verbally abuse their parents, or stay online until the early hours. I never did it to mine and my children never did it to me. This is the worst part of his behaviour and it's unacceptable.

That your children didn't do it doesn't mean it's not perfectly normal.

In the context of suffocating parents it's understandable.

Although he is intelligent, he is a teenage boy and hasn't developed emotional intelligence. He's at the age where he is breaking ties with his parents and moving into the world. That can result in some brutal black and white thinking, creating strong negative feelings towards your parents, and obsessing over hobbies and members of the opposite sex.

You can't teach emotional intelligence if you haven't learned it yourself, so start by reading Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman and apply it to yourself.

Agree with most. He’s 15 and has discovered GIRLS. What you are describing is completely normal behaviour for a 15 yr old boy. What seems wrong here is you and your husband’s reaction to it. You sound oblivious to normal teen development. It’s strange.

Mock GCSEs were scored by numbers this year.

What the hell do you mean “had his head turned” he’s not a 50 year old having an affair, he is a teenager developing a NORMAL teenage relationship. You sound absolutely suffocating.

Op, I’m sure you want what’s best for him and thank goodness you and your husband have offered him a stable home life given that his mother has opted out. He sounds like he’s worked hard at school and is generally a good son.

I found your post about recent events quite confusing. Are you saying he was playing a string of girls off against each other? If so I think all that was needed was a chat about respecting others, which you did.

Otherwise I would try lot too be too rigid. At this age he needs to be allowed a say in his own life. Try to keep spending quality time with him, really listen to him. Sure tell him off about swearing, but also give him some space and autonomy.

Things will get better. I was a stroppy teen but have an amazing relationship with my parents as an adult.

The risk of being too strict is that you drive him away, putting him at risk of making bad decisions and risking your relationship.

Sounds like a normal teenager.

Let the boy breathe. Stop watching him like a hawk and let him live his life. As long as you know he's being respectful and sensible in any sexual relationships, allow him the independence he deserves.

You rang his school because he has been chatting to girls online??

He sounds like a perfectly normal 15 year old.

Neither of you sound like you have any experience of children and are treating him like a project instead of a son to love and nurture.

Far too controlling and cold.

The line that chilled me most is He was part of a shared agreement between my husband and his ex. He’s not a pet!

Try not to worry unduly about the swearing and verbal abuse. No one who knew me now would believe I was so horrible as a teen. Luckily my parents told me off, but stuck with me. They showed a good balance of understanding that my behaviour was because I was struggling, while not condoning it. We are very close now.

My advice would be to prioritise bonding, even if that’s only occasionally achievable by setting up some really stuff he would happily do with you as a family or with one of you.

eg online escape room activity some companies are offering

Ask him to help you choose some meals so he can have some of his favourites

Ask if he wants to try out a meal box scheme and cook it with you - my dp would have loved that as as a teen, but I realise not all teen boys would

Let him choose a film to all watch if he will do that with you as a family

Show an interest in his gaming if that’s what he’s into

Etc etc but don’t do it op often. Plus if he doesn’t want to don’t push it. Lots of teens pull away and want to do their own stuff with peers

You sound like you are from a different planet. He's a teenager - nobody is 'turning his head'! Crazy idea. Is his school full of subversive gang members and lunatics? He's simply wanting normal independence. You are pushing him towards an extreme reaction by trying to control/infantilise him. I agree with other posters here - time to cut the apron strings. Maybe take up some kind of other hobby to occupy your time?