Our son has had his head turned

[Synergy786]

Hi , I’m a step mum to a 15 year old boy. I’ve been a part of his life since he was a baby . He was part of a shared agreement between my husband and his ex.

When he was around 10 his mother was not well and he came to live with us full time . ( he actually didn’t see her for a year which was her decision)

What was meant to be a short period of time eventually became over a year. and by the time his mother had recovered he did not want to go back and wanted to live with us full time .

As you can appreciate it didn’t go down too well with his mother and we tried everything to persuade him to go back to the original arrangement but to no avail.

We agreed that he would see his mum most evenings and hopefully work up to overnight stays. Unfortunately his mother decided she would take a different approach and decided to tell him that she could offer him a better life and they would have more fun etc and she then started saying things about his dad.

He would question his dad when he returned from his mother and start a sentence with “my mum said this about you is it true?”. No matter what my husband and I would say he wouldn’t accept anything and eventually he said he wanted to go live with his mother .

You can imagine we were devastated but my husband let him leave as he didn’t want to drag our son through the courts . We didn’t see him for about four weeks and out of the blue his mother phoned saying she couldn’t cope with him and had a life of her own .

My husband had spent weeks crying thinking he wouldn’t see his son again due to what the mother had been filling his head with and now she decided she couldn’t cope.

His son came home and he was a mess and felt he had been abandoned by her . We moved away and he has not seen her for over 4 years and now going through his teenage years it’s been difficult. He is a lovely boy and extremely intelligent.

He sat his mocks just before Xmas and had revised really hard and everything was fine . Once the exams were over and School broke up for Christmas break he became a different child.

He was moody , ignoring and really rude and was refusing to eat. We tried to speak to him and get to the bottom of it but all we got were one word answers . He then started with we were rubbish parents and he hated us etc . He said we were strict .... we asked him what he actually wanted and the fact we we’re in lockdown there wasn’t much he could do .

We gave him time to speak to his friends online etc it still didn’t change anything. It actually got worse to be honest . Then a few weeks ago he left the iPad after using it and he had left it open and my husband saw the conversations he was having.

Please note my husband only read the conversations because he was so worried about how he was behaving and what he read really upset him . My husband saw that our son was liked by a number of girls at School and this is why he wanted more time online .... so this would explain his behaviour changing because it all happened at the time we noticed the change just after his mocks .

We phoned the School to see if they could shed any light on it . They advised that they had noticed more female students were spending time with him and it had been noted .

We are really responsible parents and have always tried to give him a balance and we know we can’t protect him all the time but we are good parents . He received his mock results and gained 7 A stars and 4 A’s.

We are so glad that all this happened after his mocks . In his conversations he used horrendous language about his father . My husband was devastated as he thinks the world of his son .

We sat down with him and discussed what he had said and spoke about what was happening at School. We said we had no issue with him having a girlfriend as long as he was responsible and respectful.

He seemed happy that we were fine about it but eventually he wanted more time online and his schoolwork was starting to suffer .

He wanted more time online and was pushing to stay online until the early hours of the morning . My husband has his own business and I am a medical professional.

He eventually swore at us a word that I won’t repeat and said he wanted to go back and live with his mother who he has not seen in over 4 years all because he wants more time with his friends online especially the girl.

As I am a key worker he’s in School for 3 days also where he sees some friends and this particular girl. Now he wants more and more and we have tried to talk to him but he wants everything his own way and because of this he says he wants to leave because we are crap parents. We’ve had the comments that all his friends stay online for hours on end and why are we so strict . We have explained that we love him and we want a balance in his life where he takes time away from online activity and spend time with his family as well as his education.

The response we have had is horrendous, he’s insulted us and used words that have left us questioning if we even know him anymore . The catalyst for all this is the girl .

We are not blaming the girl at all . Our son has had his head turned and unfortunately is struggling to find a balance as he wants to charge in with both feet and neglect everything else .

We have tried everything to reason with him and he’s not interested at all. He wants to leave for all the wrong reasons which makes it so difficult. He feels his mother would allow him to do what he wants .

We have had no contact with her for over 4 years so don’t know where she is or what her situation is either .

We’ve explained any responsible parent wouldn’t let that happen . The other factor is we don’t live in the city where he goes to a school . We moved away when he came home 4 years ago but kept him at his School as it’s excellent.

We feel we have supported him through all his struggles and he has travelled all over the world with us and we even brought in tutors to help him with his exams . We want him to have a start in life and now we feel we are going to lose him because he’s in love .

I’m so sorry for the long post but I see my husband everyday and he’s so upset and tries to put a brave face on things . His son is his whole world and what makes this harder is his son knows this and seems hell bent on hurting his dad to get what he wants .

He is now throwing his education away as he wants to go to the same school for his A levels as the young girl . There’s just no talking to him anymore .

We have worked together with his School but there’s only so much support they can offer and ultimately he turns 16 years of age soon and then he can walk out. I just find it baffling a child is class as an adult at 16 years of age and can leave home.

Any advice would be really appreciated

I think you sound like REALLY caring parents - only wanting what's best for him BUT I think this is an easy one for you to win...... Just let him make his own mistakes. Loosen the reigns. You've done your bit, now let him make his own mind up.

I agree with others here, you need to very quickly try and work out what will make him happy.

I have 4 children, oldest are 17 and 20 and I’d say by about age 12 friends are so important and become their focus. You cannot try and limit this at 15, you seriously run the risk of losing him altogether. My older two have zoom parties with their friends and chat until early hours and sometimes play games, drinking games etc. They bloody need this human contact with friends even this limited way.

You need to sit down and ask him how to make him happy. You need to seriously relax the rules. He sounds very clever. I’ve always tried to help with schooling in the way of getting a tutor if they are struggling but I don’t pressure them to get the most impressive grades ever, it’s not worth stressing them. He sounds very clever so even if he moves school he will be fine but more importantly if this makes him happy it has a much bigger chance of being a success. He really sounds like he will go off the rails if you keep this tight control and constant expectations are too high, you honestly need to work on making him happy and improving all relationships here.

Why are you calling his school because girls are interested in him? He's a teenage boy, he's going to start exploring relationships and you and his dad are monitoring that? What on earth?
You're extremely controlling. He's had some crappy times in his life, he needs support not his dad and step mum judging every aspect of his life. I'd want to live with my other parent if my main caregiver behaved like this.

OP I think that actually, given all the chaos in his background, you have to make sure that he knows you are there for him. His family life has been very chageable and unstable, and it seems likely he is fixating on this girl - his attiutude to love / attachment seems quite full on and unhealthy, from what you've said.
Please watch out for him

I'm not really sure why the issue is op? Yes the swearing is unacceptable but the rest seems totally normal.

He has been through a lot in his young life. Whilst I appreciate that you want him to do well academically, Grades are not the only thing that matter. Mental health is even more important, especially during lockdown.

I put this on watch this morning and am surprised that it hasn't gone poof yet.

I wonder if the OP is going to come back to the thread or not. It would be interesting to read their response after reading all these replies, most of which say pretty much the same thing.

@Bluntness100

Gosh, you’re reading his communications and calling the school about girls liking him? Telling him he’s “allowed “ a girlfriend”. Dictating his on line time?

You sound really controlling parents. I think this is part of the issue. You need to let go. Guide, support. Not control.

Well it didn’t take long for this crap to surface. I guess you a really cool parent who will let your kids do anything they like.

You are smothering him OP. Calling school to discuss a 15 year old boy liking girls is utterly cringeworthy.

The poor lad. He's been through some awful trauma by being rejected by his mum. Has he had counciling?

Also, you need to give him a break. Your behaviour is suffocating. You would blow a gasket if I told you what my 14 yo DS is allowed to do.

They need to communicate online. It's the way of life for the young and during this pandemic it's a lifeline to many. Do NOT restrict his access to it.

He sounds like a great kid. He will make the right choices most of the time but you must allow him to make mistakes.

At 15 he is old enough to have private online chats without you reading his messages. You had no right to call the school.

I'm sorry but this is fucking outrageous actually.

OP.....contact your GP or mental health services (CAMHS) to see if you can get a referral to Healios. Healios offer online family systemic therapy ...we’ve done it and it was very good. A lot of time is spent with the therapist (qualified clinical psychologist) understanding something called validation ...,so that’s really understanding another persons concerns and points of view and how to respond appropriately. This process really helps this negative sparking which I think it sounds like you are going through. Therapy often isn’t about just one person changing but the whole family adapting and improving their communication styles. Please look it up.

I agree that you're being too strict and your rules are not age appropriate, however I understand that you've probably felt more protective over him because of having 'lost' him for that period of time. He probably needed a lot of extra care because of his mother's behaviour, but he still needs to be allowed to grow up. Perhaps some family counselling would be helpful.

So a 15 year old boy likes a girl and wants to choose where to do his alevels? Er....and the problem is???

Op is not coming back methinks.

Ott ringing the school
Do you really expect a 15yo not to talk to girls.
The more you put your foot down the more he will want to go against you.
Would you rather he was out god knows where