I cant do it anymore. DS14 is destroying me

[Dumbledorker]

I cant even find the words to write how bad it is. Im scared this is relentless and there is no way out of this ongoing hell with him. How do you deal with feeling like you have a sociopathic child who will never change only get worse. Im so scared I will lose him either through him eventually taking his own life because he feels so hated and alone or that in the future I will have to cut ties with him because of how he is. I hate writing this about my own son. He is the sweetest kid at times but when everyone is gone and its just me and him then its different. Its when he cant have his own way he doesnt react like a normal moody teenager its just nasty, physiological abuse.. he will stand for sometimes hours giving me a speech that seems like its out of a play like an actor would talk like... he will sit in my bedroom while I try to sleep until I give in and give him his WiFi privileges or PlayStation. I used to have to just give in so I felt safe but because ive reached out for help in the last few months I've started to regain control and be consistent so things can go on all night and I won't give in to his demands. Tonight its bedtime at 11 as its the weekend. This has led to him refusing and sitting laughing at me in the living room so I gave him a warning and said he has to go to bed or his priviliges (WiFi and ps4) will be taken tomorrow.. he says I have no control and im a shit mum. So I go upstairs and take the console and from there hes tried take it back and then took the hdmi cable out of the back of the TV so I cant watch it when hes in bed. Ive tried to get the cable back and hes dramatically fallen and said ive physically abused him so ive taken the ps4 to the neighbours who is my friend and helps me. I came back and he has locked me out with my little girls still in the house, he picked up a knife gesturing that he's going to kill himself ive rung 999. They have come out and told him he needs to follow my rules under my roof and listen to me. Theyve asked me to keep an eye on him through the night..they referred back to SS again although we are already under the local family hub for support and camhs who have said its behavioural not mental health. He told the officers hes out the knife back and was upset. This is the 3rd time they've come out in 2 weeks. Hes since been downstairs a million times telling me I am no mum to him anymore and he's done with me. He scares his sisters when he's like this i can't have them watching all this anymore. Ive tried so much to help him but im exhausted and broken. I cant possibly write everything that is happening i just need to know if anyone else is like this or if it gets better. Its hell .

I'm so sorry OP.... I have no advice for you, but I couldn't read and run when you are feeling like this Hopefully someone will be along soon with some words of advice for you.

Goodness. I have a 14 year old son and we've had some bad times but picking up a knife and threatening you isn't on. I hope you can get some help for him and you.

I'm so sorry to read this.I'm just going to bed but didn't want you to have no answer from anyone. I think you need to speak with social services and say he needs to go into care, at least for a time, and for the safety of your daughters at least.

Having him lock you out and then roaming the house with a knife and little girls trapped in there with him has to be the deal breaker. They sound terrified and it's not fair on them.

If he hasn't gone to bed now I'd call the police again and say they must come back and take him out because you are frightened for your safety and that of your daughters.

Hope things work out eventually. But it sounds like he dominates the house by terrorising all of you and that can't continue.

I’m so sorry for you reading this . I wish I had some wisdom or advice but it sounds like he’s so extreme, I’m not sure any of us will be able to offer any practical help. I was going to suggest SS but as you’ve already spoken to them and the police etc I don’t know where else you can turn.

Where is his dad in all this? Did he learn this behaviour from him?

FWIW my DS was very hard work most of his childhood at that age. He’s now 20 and quite a delightful young man. It’s like something clicked and he suddenly found his humanity when he hit 19 or so! I know that feels like a long way off right now, but just so you know it doesn’t always mean a total one-way descent into sociopathy. He hugged me for the first time in about 10 years the other day. I could have cried!

I suspect my DS is on the autistic spectrum and a lot of his behaviour comes from issues around control and routine. When I remind myself of that it makes it easier to empathise with him. Does your DS have any specific challenges or potential events in his life that could have caused him to behave so badly? Would he consider counselling or any sort of therapy to help him? Does he even admit that he’s problematic when he’s in his calmer moments?

Also this.

you need to speak with social services and say he needs to go into care, at least for a time, and for the safety of your daughters at least.

Having him lock you out and then roaming the house with a knife and little girls trapped in there with him has to be the deal breaker. They sound terrified and it's not fair on them.

It seems extreme but it can’t go on as it is, and maybe that would be the wake up call he needs to sort himself out? Alternatively it could be the thing that makes him feel justified in his feelings and pushes him further away, but for the sake of your DDs it might be the safest thing. If it was their dad or step dad behaving like this SS would insist they weren’t exposed to it for their safety. At 14 he’s old enough to do some damage if he chose to.

Can you afford a private psychologist op? Someone who specialises in adolescent behaviour? Where is his dad in all of this?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. There should be far more help available. Maybe Young Minds or similar? You need some support for him and for yourself. Maybe if you posted roughly where you live, posters on here may know of local youth organisations that could help.

Has this behaviour suddenly started from a certain age?
Sounds like he's seen or been through something quite traumatic to act this way.

Regardless what he's been through however, you and his sisters are at risk.
His behaviour will most likely continue to get worse until someone is hurt- your girls are being psychologically hurt every day with this going on.

I would seriously consider he goes into care for the safety and well being of everyone including himself.

His dad and stepmum and half sister live about 15 mile away and isolating due to severe illness so going to his isn't an option and tbh his dad isn't the brightest person and so not much help whatsoever. His partner though is a mental health therapist and she has been a rock throughout this time we can talk very openly and we sre on the same page. Im so grateful for her as both a step mum for him and a friend too to me and its good for my son to see that between us which im grateful for. She has said she is very worried as she deals with things at work which have stemmed from children behaving this way from childhood. While he was staying there once he hurt the dogs ear on purpose and it had to have surgery for a hematoma that same week. He purposely keeps weeing loads all over mine and their toilet like excessively then leaves it for others to clean no matter how many times he is told. He has no sense of hygiene and never washes his hands now or before lockdown after the toilet etc. He picks his nose and wipes it all over his bedroom walls and i purposely redecorated his room and refurnished it to a high standard to try make him feel better and more ready for the day, more organised and fresh if that makes sense, just incase this is autism I felt it might help him. But he's destroyed it... the concerns that me and his stepmum have had have been referred to the forensics side of camhs and i think they deal with cases of children who cause harm or upset purposely to others or pets. He literally hates everyone because everyone else is the problem. Its never ever ever him who is in the wrong. The police came tonight and told him that I have done right putting basic rules in place. Allowing him wifi all day and allowing him ps4 time from 5pm until 9.30pm to try curb the obsession with it. He is to fill the rest of the day with whatever he likes walks, reading, schoolwork, crochet (he wants to learn) gardening, origami (which he enjoys) just anything really but literally for 12 months he played on his ps4 its taken over his life. Ive tried take it away and he would sit on my.bed for hours at night refusing to leave until he got it. I have tried so hard to control snd manage his behavior snd lay down rukes and its just no end of abuse from him

I genuinely feel like I havent done enough for him... i didn't take him to enough playgroups as a kid, didn't invite enough friends round for tea, didnt stick it out at clubs he joined, shouted too much or just not raised him right in general. Ive gone wrong somewhere and affected his development.

They have told me there is no emergency care available... but I cant do this anymore. Im.heartbroken

This sounds horrendous and upsetting. I'm so sorry OP. Have you spoken to his stepmum tonight? She may have some advice on other sources of emergency support.

It’s not safe to have him in your home.
It really sounds like he needs emergency psychiatric care.

I'm so sad for you, reading this, Dumbledorker

I have no answers, but just wanted to offer support for you because it sounds horrendous. I'm so glad you have RL support from his stepmum too.

I think you should stop blaming yourself for any of this though - some people just are naturally unwilling to take any personal responsibility for anything they do. I have a 7yo boy who is like this too, to an extent - at the moment I can still get him to apologise to people but as he gets older, that may get harder and harder. He's full of extremes and will lie about stupid stuff, which worries me too - I can see where this is all headed and I don't know what to do about it at this stage, either, let alone how I'm going to manage when he's older.

But his older brother is nothing like this. They've been parented pretty much the same (with differences according to their behaviours), treated the same etc. and there is definitely no favouritism - and yet here we are. So blaming yourself for his personality is wrong - HE's making choices to behave that way.

You mentioned possible autism - has he been assessed? Do you have any other reason to think that he may be on the spectrum? His behaviour isn't necessarily indicative of it, although yes he could be. If it's possible to get an assessment done (tricky in the current world situation) then it might help both of you to understand why he does what he does, IF he turns out to be on the spectrum - but it won't STOP his behaviours. It will, however, mean that he isn't making a conscious choice to behave that way - so it's worth pursuing when possible.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. It really is tough.

My older brother was just like this when we were growing up. I am sad to say it only escalated over time, and now in his 30s he has never been able to hold down a job or have normal relationships. He has also attempted suicide multiple times.

I tell you that not to scare you but to spur you to action for what you CAN do. First, you must protect your daughters from him. My parents did not, and I have no contact with them to this day in part because of what I suffered at my brother's hands that they ignored. Second, you must get him into care outside your home. He does not respect you as an authority and it is unlikely you will be able to change his behavior yourself. Can you look into reform boarding schools for boys with behavioral issues? Or military schools? Or even overseas schools? He needs to be accountable to adults other than you.

I'm so sorry. Handhold.

He sounds like he has a gaming addiction? The severe behavioural issues certainly could be caused by/made worse by PTSD, ADHD, Autism etc but they could also be behavioural, there is no way of any of knowing really.

I would try to get a referral from your GP for an emergency paediatrician appointment to get the ball rolling on treatment/therapy for you all as a family.

He sounds like my brother. My mother really struggled to get any professional help as apparently he wasn't quite dangerous enough, and his problems were considered to be behavioural. Years later, sometime in his early 20s, he finally got a diagnosis of psychosis and autism and was taken into a facility for a few months to have proper care, and now has a social worker and receives DLA. Apparently it's a very tricky combination to manage.

This was all about 15 years ago, which I think is why he wasn't diagnosed as a child/teenager. Mental health diagnosis and treatment has come on a long way since then but we still miss things and have much to learn.

I know that your son's problems are probably very different to my brother's, but the point I am making is that you need to fight tooth and nail to get this taken seriously and get some outside support. His behaviour is not normal, it wasnt caused by you not taking him to enough after school clubs and playdates, it will not be "fixed" by you making more ground rules, and most importantly- you are not coping. You are concerned for the safety of you, your daughters, and him. That's unacceptable and you can't continue like this.

Don't take no for an answer. Keep banging on that door and eventually someone will open it. Every time he gets aggressive or makes threats you call 999. Every single time. Keep talking to the GP, teachers, CAHMS etc telling them that he needs help. Keep fighting.

I'm so sorry that you have to do this. It must be hell.

Sounds like ASPD to me and that isn't a very fixable problem. I would do whatever it took to not subject my daughters to this kind of fear and terror in their home. Anything it took.

Sorry op, this sounds bad, I have a difficult daughter and always wonder what I did to make her that way. Everyday is hard because I feel I must have failed as a mum, but her brother is lovely.

I think we all need to accept that we don't necessarily cause their personalities.

I think getting your son into care would be the best option for you.

I’ve had some of this at 13 and it’s improved so don’t lose hope. It sounds like power struggles. Can you avoid some of them by deciding what’s controllable? At 14 you can’t make him go to bed, though you can (maybe) turn off the wifi, or leave him to it and say if he chooses to turn off in the next little while he can go on tomorrow etc. Is it possible to practice love bombing- praise the smallest good thing you talked about, to remind him he is a good person? I second the suggestion of Parentline or other parent helplines. Good luck.

He truly sounds unwell. I don’t know how you can get the help he needs but I hope for you that a diagnosis and medication can help.

Don’t be afraid to medicate - if his brain chemistry is not working correctly the right medication could help immensely.

Can step mum help gain access to a full assessment for him somehow?

Sorry am not in the UK so don’t know how it works.

Wishing you strength

Has he been assessed. It sounds Possibly like PDA or ODD but equally could be something else

Keep calling the police with incidents so it’s all formally logged. Contact social services again and tell them you’ve reached breaking point and you can’t go on

Also would medication help him?

I have been in this situation. When my DS was around the same age, I compemplated suicide, just to get away from him. What saved us was a teacher at school suggested he could have ADHD. We took him to a specialist and now he is on meds and a different child.

OP, not saying your DS has ADHD, but it could be something.

Also, just to add, XBox and the like are addictive. What has worked for us is, "do X, Y & Z then you can play on the XBox until 10pm." That way, we're happy because homework, etc is done and he gets a few hours on the XBox.

Because once they're on it, it's almost impossble to get them off it. It's like if someone made me turn the TV off in the middle of my favourite show. I'd be livid.

Oh OP, it sounds awful. Your son is actually being abusive towards you and his sister.

You are doing the right thing calling the police, keep doing it. Keep pestering social services. Surely with the knife incident there be a safeguarding?

I know some desperate parents have had to refuse to carry on caring for their child to finally get help from social services. That was the only way to get their child support.

I also think you need to put him into care.