I cant do it anymore. DS14 is destroying me

[Dumbledorker]

I cant even find the words to write how bad it is. Im scared this is relentless and there is no way out of this ongoing hell with him. How do you deal with feeling like you have a sociopathic child who will never change only get worse. Im so scared I will lose him either through him eventually taking his own life because he feels so hated and alone or that in the future I will have to cut ties with him because of how he is. I hate writing this about my own son. He is the sweetest kid at times but when everyone is gone and its just me and him then its different. Its when he cant have his own way he doesnt react like a normal moody teenager its just nasty, physiological abuse.. he will stand for sometimes hours giving me a speech that seems like its out of a play like an actor would talk like... he will sit in my bedroom while I try to sleep until I give in and give him his WiFi privileges or PlayStation. I used to have to just give in so I felt safe but because ive reached out for help in the last few months I've started to regain control and be consistent so things can go on all night and I won't give in to his demands. Tonight its bedtime at 11 as its the weekend. This has led to him refusing and sitting laughing at me in the living room so I gave him a warning and said he has to go to bed or his priviliges (WiFi and ps4) will be taken tomorrow.. he says I have no control and im a shit mum. So I go upstairs and take the console and from there hes tried take it back and then took the hdmi cable out of the back of the TV so I cant watch it when hes in bed. Ive tried to get the cable back and hes dramatically fallen and said ive physically abused him so ive taken the ps4 to the neighbours who is my friend and helps me. I came back and he has locked me out with my little girls still in the house, he picked up a knife gesturing that he's going to kill himself ive rung 999. They have come out and told him he needs to follow my rules under my roof and listen to me. Theyve asked me to keep an eye on him through the night..they referred back to SS again although we are already under the local family hub for support and camhs who have said its behavioural not mental health. He told the officers hes out the knife back and was upset. This is the 3rd time they've come out in 2 weeks. Hes since been downstairs a million times telling me I am no mum to him anymore and he's done with me. He scares his sisters when he's like this i can't have them watching all this anymore. Ive tried so much to help him but im exhausted and broken. I cant possibly write everything that is happening i just need to know if anyone else is like this or if it gets better. Its hell .

Sorry, link didn't work. Challenging Behaviour Foundation. It's geared to learning difficulties but I think there's a lot in there that might be helpful.

Hi Dumbledorker,
I’m sorry that you’re going through such a hard time.
I’ll apologise in advance as I haven’t had time to read the full thread. I’m on a Facebook group for SEN children exhibiting violent and/or controlling behaviour. Your post could have been written by any number of the members, it rings so many bells.
It’s called the SEND vcb project. It has a public page with some worthwhile links and a private support group.
If your son does have a SEND diagnosis look at pda profiles. If he doesn’t, it may be worth considering. Many children/people are high functioning and excellent maskers.
Apologies if I’m telling you stuff you already know/have already been told/am way off the mark.
Sending a gentle hug. I hope that things improve for you all soon.

Well I'm not sure what to think about the social care visit... he showed them photos on his phone of the marks on his arms that i apparently made during the struggle last week when I defended my self during him overpowering me. I showed them a video I took during one of times so they could see what he is like and she basically said its good that i have it... my girls were made to go to their dads straight away so I took them through.. they come back tonight so my littlest can wake up here on her birthday but then bavk to dads again tomorrow for a week ... they all have to be in school now too because its been stepped up to social care . I feel like I've asked for support and now I have been split from my little girls .. the SW told me to ring the GP for a mental health review and told me to start taking my meds again which I came off a month ago when I started running because I felt I didn't need them... im still not sure I need them now and I feel like it should be my choice to take them but she said it will help my case ? I'm so confused ... i feel she was being really patronising. Yes I was upset during the meeting but not because im depressed but because of the situation. She also asked why he was going to school for the full day during todays and tomorrow's sessions. I dont see why he shouldn't? I feel so alone... ive asked for the help with him so why do i feel like im in trouble? The police told me I have every right to defend myself and if I'm forced into a corner.... its all such a mess. My little girls don't like going to their dads much as the little boy who is 7 hits and bites my 6 year old and my 9 year old says she gets shouted at for incontinence problems which she is under the pediatrician for..
I cant win ..

Oh what a cunning thing he did.

This is possibly why he has been as sweet as pie this last while - anticipating you would be in trouble for 'abusing him'.

You are sooo lucky to have taken that video. For them to insist that the girls leave is indeed sad and unjust - they have done nothing wrong here and are being sent away. Do they understand that none of DS's treatment of them was their fault at all and that they are not being punished? You need to be very clear to them that DS has caused this and they are with their dad and stepmum so they can be safe, apart from DS.

I suspect since the advice was to send the DDs away for safety it is likely that the SW has recognised that DS is a threat to them.

You should ask your GP first about starting up on your medication again. Don't start up again on the say so of the SW. SWs are not qualified to give medical advice.

Why is a woman (the stepmum) who is a therapist allowing the bad treatment of your DD by the 7 yo boy (her half brother?) and who is shouting at the DD who has the incontinence problem?

What has caused DD's incontinence problem? Has she been sexually abused?

Is there anyone else your DDs could go to? Your mum for instance?

Oooh no the girls dad isnt ds biological dad. The girls stepmum is bloody horrible and hypocritical half the time.

No she has had the incontinence issues for years..she gets constipated and then poos herself when it gets too much 😪

he showed them photos on his phone of the marks on his arms that i apparently made during the struggle last week when I defended my self during him overpowering me.

Oh my, that is totally overstepping the line. He is risking you seeing your other children as SW will have to assess if you are a risk to ALL your children.

So what happening now? The son stays with you and the girls live with their lives while they investigate? What do you want OP? Do you want your son to remain living at home?

Have they spoken to your daughters?
Make sure they include your daughters needs in the assessment and speak to them about what they want/what they are scared of etc.

I expect they asked for the girls to go to their dads because it is an easy option to ensure their safety in the short term while they assess the situation. Long term there will need to be a better plan. How long do the girls normally spend with their dad?

I’m so sorry your going through this my son
Has autism / adhd, and I experienced exactly the same thing, I was told by police and social services , ooo just be calm and tell him he must not do that ?!! I’m sure they would react the same if a teenage threatened them with a knife ?!!! Now I’m up for a child at risk meeting ?!! Where the social workers turn up unannounced ?!! My son said ‘ if you don’t go and Get my cheese now I will get That knife and knife you’ to his own mother , these days we just just say ‘please don’t do that ‘. And the child goes into
Meltdown and hits the parent , but it’s all about the safety of the child , the child can strangle the parent and it’s all about the safety of the child because of their mental health condition . I am
Sorry but this is the reality of today

I cant reply but uts got so bad the social services are telling me I have to stick to my end of the agreement and get a mental health assessment done they are coming tomorrow to save a section (I can't remember the number section) on me . My ds said they are being to hard on me and he will tell them the truth that I've never in my life said anything bad about ther dad to the girls . They said im emotionally abusing my ds for blaming it all on him and accusing him of bullying. Its my dd 6th birthday tomorrow they told me she should be jn school they haven't ben sent back to school by me its such a mess im such a mess. Dd dad has just rang me and said he can have the girls tonight for me while I'm upset . She says its my fault for not telling him I love him during the video of him overpoweing me I need to show him more affection I told her im out with him at the moment buying him new trainers for going to school and being so good . Oh my god someone please help me

Sorry I didn’t read all the comments. Is your son going to his usual school at the moment? Can you call his head of house/ tutor for support? Do you have any other family that could move in with you? Can your girls sleep in your bedroom with you with a lock on your door? I’m sorry you are going through this, it sounds horrific. I would just keep phoning 999 every time you need to and not worry even if that’s 10 times a day. Is there any child emergency care home he could go to where they are trained to deal with such behaviour? Have you spoken to your GP? Referral to CAHMS? Maybe for now I wouldn’t rock the boat and while there is less support not take away anything from him that may cause such rage! I hope you’re ok.

Could you and your girls go and stay elsewhere? Can a 14 year old stay home on his own?

She says its my fault for not telling him I love him during the video of him overpoweing me I need to show him more affection I told her im out with him at the moment buying him new trainers for going to school and being so good

Who said this? The social worker? If so you should report her or ask for someone else. I am shocked at the lack of empathy and support you are receiving.

I would absolutely be reporting her to her line manager. This sounds all so shit, I'm sorry you are going through it all 😔.

Sorry I haven't RTFT but is his dad around? Could he take him for a while? Has he got any other relatives that would have him for a while?

I would actually argue that the social worker is failing to enact section 17 of the children's act: she is not promoting the upbringing of children by their families by isolating you from your girls and she is not providing a range of services to help with your son. She's criticised you a lot, but what has she actually done?

Op do you have someone (friend family member) who can support you with interacting with social care? Maybe you could access advocacy support for this too?

Sounds like it would be useful to have another person involved in the discussion with social care and acting as a support for you.

Difficult to give other advice when we don’t know the ins and outs of the situations

oh Op, it sounds like you have an over zealous social worker, but sadly im not surprised. Do everthing they say, say yes to everything they suggest, and try and stay matter of fact when you talk to them.

@PutYourBackIntoit

oh Op, it sounds like you have an over zealous social worker, but sadly im not surprised. Do everthing they say, say yes to everything they suggest, and try and stay matter of fact when you talk to them.

Why should the op have to kowtow to this social worker who is obviously using her position of power to undermine the op and make a very difficult situation worse? Op, as I said, please get in touch with social services and ask for someone else.

Because ime it will be worse for the OP if she rejects their advice. I agree with you that she should ask for a different sw but in the meantime she needs to be seen to be following all recomended steps.

I think there is a lot more to the story OP is not telling if adults mental health services are getting involved.

OP you have the right to make a complaint and ask for another SW. You also have the right to request an advocate which I strongly suggest you do in this case.

Op what tablets have they directed you to restart?

They are concerned about the marks made on my ds. Red marks that faded after half an hour but were from the struggle with him after I was told by police I could use reasonable forve to get out of the situation if he was overpowering me. But ds took photos and showed the sw . An investigation has begun with both the sw and the police. My little girls have to live with their dad until 2 weeks when it will be reviewed. I am beyond crushed to bits. My mental health was fine last week as It could be i was only struggling with ds so the usual feeling crappy etc didn't mean I was mentally unwell though. Now I feel they are trying to force me to have a breakdown by taking my girls on my dd6 birthday. Ds has to stay with me there is no where else for him to go. We have to work through things. I was told im emotional abusing ds by saying he is bullying me ... he has been wonderful since last week since the last event hes like a new child. Hes upset at what this has all caused..there has been no blips or anything since . They have 15 working days to decide the outcome if it should be left at child in need or child protection. She said she is coming out with a police officer to serve a section 47 . I am lost i have no idea what is happening everhthing has spiralled . Im losing my little girls. School have been supportive and told her they are happy for the girls to stay with me and told them im a good mum .

OP I just want to say I am so sorry this is happening to you! From what you’ve said you absolutely do NOT deserve to be told to send the girls to their Dad’s, unless it’s to protect them from your son (which is not what it sounds like). I can’t believe SS are being punitive rather than supportive!! You said your son has been behaving better lately and feeling bad— would he admit to SS that he has exaggerated to get you into trouble?

Hes already said off his own back that I never assulted him it was marks from just struggling. The social worker mentioned in the meeting on Tuesday that parents are allowed to smack their children if they don't leave a mark... everyone heard her say that... i havent smacked him or hit him. I have used reasonable force to remove him out of my way ... im trying to put together like a personal report explaining my side of things to see if it helps further down the line. Im so scared it will go to court. All I have done is beg for help with him since April

Good idea to write a report. Can you gather evidence of every time you’ve asked for help? All the times you’ve called the police, spoken to school, SS, the family hub etc.? Or at least a list of times and dates which they can check? And then any evidence of things you’ve put in place to manage his behaviour e.g. the WhatsApps you sent him to explain the rules? I’m no expert at all and have no experience parenting teenagers (although I am a secondary teacher)- just saying anything I can think of to try and help!

I'd call his head of year too at school and let her know what's going on. They might have stuff on file about his behaviour in class, any concerns etc which can back you up.