I cant do it anymore. DS14 is destroying me

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I cant even find the words to write how bad it is. Im scared this is relentless and there is no way out of this ongoing hell with him. How do you deal with feeling like you have a sociopathic child who will never change only get worse. Im so scared I will lose him either through him eventually taking his own life because he feels so hated and alone or that in the future I will have to cut ties with him because of how he is. I hate writing this about my own son. He is the sweetest kid at times but when everyone is gone and its just me and him then its different. Its when he cant have his own way he doesnt react like a normal moody teenager its just nasty, physiological abuse.. he will stand for sometimes hours giving me a speech that seems like its out of a play like an actor would talk like... he will sit in my bedroom while I try to sleep until I give in and give him his WiFi privileges or PlayStation. I used to have to just give in so I felt safe but because ive reached out for help in the last few months I've started to regain control and be consistent so things can go on all night and I won't give in to his demands. Tonight its bedtime at 11 as its the weekend. This has led to him refusing and sitting laughing at me in the living room so I gave him a warning and said he has to go to bed or his priviliges (WiFi and ps4) will be taken tomorrow.. he says I have no control and im a shit mum. So I go upstairs and take the console and from there hes tried take it back and then took the hdmi cable out of the back of the TV so I cant watch it when hes in bed. Ive tried to get the cable back and hes dramatically fallen and said ive physically abused him so ive taken the ps4 to the neighbours who is my friend and helps me. I came back and he has locked me out with my little girls still in the house, he picked up a knife gesturing that he's going to kill himself ive rung 999. They have come out and told him he needs to follow my rules under my roof and listen to me. Theyve asked me to keep an eye on him through the night..they referred back to SS again although we are already under the local family hub for support and camhs who have said its behavioural not mental health. He told the officers hes out the knife back and was upset. This is the 3rd time they've come out in 2 weeks. Hes since been downstairs a million times telling me I am no mum to him anymore and he's done with me. He scares his sisters when he's like this i can't have them watching all this anymore. Ive tried so much to help him but im exhausted and broken. I cant possibly write everything that is happening i just need to know if anyone else is like this or if it gets better. Its hell .

I have a similaar situation with my 14 year old. Pretty certain he has ASD but borderline. Fine at school, nightmare at home. His Xbox is his only love, but it totally fucks up his behaviour..in the first week of lockdown he really hurt his brother who had nothing. It was a trigger. He lost his xbox and phone for 2 weeks, and all other screens, he only got it back when he agreed to conditons:. 1 hour a day, one day a week no screens at all for anyone. In order to get this he has to do his chores and his school work and go out the house for a walk or bike ride for at least half an hour a day. The two weeks were taken away very calmly in a "very disappointed this must change way" instead of a screaming "youve lost your xbox twat head" which is what I wanted to say. We also had a long family chat about how everyone had been upset and affected. When he calmed down I made lots of effort to show him I loved him and do sme things together.
It has been quite amazing, yes he is still grumpy and argues with his siblings but no significant violence, only the occasional manageable meltdown (if given space he calms down). Its not perfecr but 100% better. The rules on screen time are now for all 3 of them and its been brilliant everyone is happier.

Hurting animals on purpose is a huge red flag.

If this was an adult they would be sectioned. They are a danger to themselves and others - 14 year old boys can be as strong as some adults. Physically they can easily over power their mothers, which, with no other adult around, is just not safe. He's getting off on controlling you just like a partner would. Plays the "I'm so unloved" card. Controlling, abusive men do the exact same thing , and so many times this ends in tragedy.

You definitely, absolutely need to talk to social services more and tell them about the knife, say you are scared for you and your daughters. He needs to be in some sort of youth offenders/mental health institution. There is medication and treatment. I haven't been where you are but I know this is common with teens, and I'm guessing you have to fight for the treatment. Do all you can. Don't argue or threaten him or tell him you're going to.... just do it. He will understand when he's older.

What games does he play on PS4; like others have said gaming is very powerful and influential-it doesn’t necessarily make him a psychopath but could be feeding or fuelling his aggression and giving him an unrealistic view of the world and violence. I’d give it away/throw it away/loan it out and make him go cold turkey; advise the police and ask if they will send an officer around whilst you tell him calmly one morning that he can no longer have it. Try to leave confront rational situations to daylight. You’ll have some back up when he kicks off.

Use the time to work on his sleep-if need be, get the whole house down to sleep earlier, including you. Turn lights out and go to bed, WiFi off at 10, no tv after then and all get some sleep. This is also massively powerful for mood and regulation, as is his diet-too much sugar and processed food won’t help (this might not be the case but if he’s buying his own junk it’s possible).

Look at every aspect of his health and well-being and strip it back if necessary and start to rebuild. It’ll be hard at first but it doesn’t sound like life is a picnic when he gets his own way anyway so it’ll be worth going through the pain.

There will be emergency care but social services will not ‘find it’ unless you force their hand. You will have tell the police/social services he is no longer welcome in the home - that you have ‘thrown him out’. I have friends who have had to do this as social services and other supports were of the view that while they were at home they didn’t need to do anything despite the danger to others in the home. Several of them now have very good relationships with their children though for some it took a few years to get there.

The threatening with a knife and harming animals would be a deal breaker for me if I had other children in the house.

Autism
My son has been very similar ,he has autism,when very stressed he has nearly been diagnosed with schizophrenia,but the behaviour didn’t last for 6 weeks so he just missed Being sectioned .
I think that is that you will have to do is work with your gp and try to get him sectioned next time something happens.That way he will be in hospital and they can assess him
Get him on the waiting list for autism ,keep ringing camhs for an emergency appointment .

People's understanding of what sectioning is for is wildly unrealistic.

This was my daughter. She is adopted and her problems stem from the abuse she suffered at her birth family. I guess it was easier for me as Chidren's services recognise adopted kids are likely to have behavioural difficulties. She did spend a short while in care when I really couldn't carry on but things didn't improve much when she came home. She did get an ADHD diagnosis (privately) and medication helped a bit. She also had the most amazing learning mentor at school who advocated and supported her superbly meaning she stayed in school and even got 7 good gcses. She got pregnant at 17 and I parent her son who is now 5 and (so far) doesn't seem to be on a similar trajectory. She then got pregnant again at 19 but I refused to take on number 2. Granddaughter has spent time in care but with her mum now and has more worrying behaviour than grandson. Things got much easier when dd moved out with dgd and we now have a good relationship. DD still has very difficult behaviour but she is definitely mellowing with age (now 23)

Don’t take his games away and go cold turkey
My son threatened to kill himself when I tried that ,we ended up with emergency camhs Appointment and they said I should not of done that

I believe a previous poster mentioned this but can you ask CAMHS to assess him for PDA and ODD? These are not widely recognised and they may not have considered it. Has he always been difficult to manage? I have long suspected (since 3 or4) that my now 12 year has some degree of PDA. - regular extreme meltdowns (not just normal tantrums), never happy, everything has to be exactly as she needs it to be and when she needs it to be and can’t cope with any deviation from that and because we haven’t given in to that, daily our lives are a nightmare.. She will literally argue black is white or that you never said something that you definitely did and was a direct face to face conversation. She just won’t take no for an answer and will follow us around the house goading us, trying to manipulate and control us until we give in (which like you we don’t but boy do we pay for it). Can’t be flexible on anything etc.

She is not as bad as your son (no knives) but then she’s not 14 yet and I am dreading that However she did verbally threaten to stab herself in the heart with a knife on 3 occasions.. We sat her down and warned her after the 1st occasion, the seriousness of threats like that and if she said it again we’d have to get others involved. On the 3rd occasion, my husband picked her up put her in the car and took her to A and E where she was spoken to by a psychologist. She’s not done that again since. She has been a bit better since lockdown and I think that’s because a lot of our problems are that she can’t cope with the pressure of school So am partly dreading when they go back. She’s just had some youth counselling through the NHS but that wasn’t the right thing as she didn’t engage. We are waiting on a referral now for family counselling.

I would strongly recommend reading up on PDA and ODD and see if any ring true

We have recently found the PDA society website and I am going to sign up on some online courses when I get some breathing space. There is also a PDA Facebook page which I’ve joined, where parents are posting their experiences and giving advice which may help you.

Oh blimey OP, I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now. The purposely hurting animals really stood out to me because often, a person will start with animals and then progress to hurting people.

I have no words of wisdom but I agree that you need to keep banging on doors for help.

My aunt and uncle had three children and the first two are decent, law abiding people but their third child was always in trouble. He sadly got into drink and drugs and was in and out of prison. He stole from his parents, smashed their homes etc etc. He was brought up exactly the same as his siblings, so please don't think this is your fault. My aunt and uncle pleaded for help when he was younger (this is a good forty odd years ago) but it was practically impossible back then. Shout loud to be heard

OP, it was hard reading this as I have seen this kind of thing in my own family and it grinds people down.

Take a look at this article and if it rings true you may find the website has some helpful info and suggestions:

www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-child-is-out-of-control-how-to-teach-kids-to-manage-emotions/

Also, I firmly believe when people act this way it is because they feel terrible about themselves. Things like PS4, alcohol, other addictive behaviours are a way to escape their feelings about themselves, even hurting others can be like that.

I hope you and he can get the help you need and in the meantime, hope you can stay strong.

I’m really sorry op, this situation sounds so hard for all of you. It also sounds like you have been trying your best to get things back on track.
Is there any other family help? An uncle or anyone who could support you? I’m this would be hard for anyone to manage on their own. I can’t be nice for him either.

When I was a social worker I worked with a few young people with similar types of behaviour (though with a range of different needs). Sorry to say that in most cases the situation did just escalate until there was no option than to remove the child from their home. Unfortunately that response from CAMHS sounds familiar too. For one child I worked with (with ASD diagnosis) he ended up in an adult mental health facility (illegally) after he hurt a younger sibling and the police were called and there was nowhere to take him. After that he went to a specialist placement for young people but it was quite a distance from his home. Another lad I worked with (no diagnosis but lots of signs of an attachment issue- but no one in our area assesses that apparently) came into care (after his mum brought him to the office and told us she wasn’t having him at home anymore), a specialist placement, for a couple of years but then returned home at 16 and things calmed for him, he still had some difficult behaviour but Was a lot more settled and managed a simple college course.

Unfortunately often no real support happens until There is a significant incident. It shouldn’t be that way and people shouldn’t have to get to breaking point before getting a decent amount of input, but I guess that’s the outcome of under funded services.

Have social care actually done anything yet. It sounds like there needs to be a coordinated response from a range of agencies to assess what his needs are and to make a plan to go forward.

If I were you I’d call social care and be very clear that you are close to dropping him off at their office, that your girls are at risk from witnessing his abusive behaviour and that he is beyond parental control. Maybe ask your daughter school to contact social care too as surely they would be concerned for the girls welfare. This is all of course if you want to continue to try to manage him at home?!

Do you know what my response to "you have no control and are a shit mum" would be?

OK what control do YOU want me to have and what is NOT a shit Mum?

It sounds like you are doing the right things (boundaries). Can I ask, is all the arguing around use of the playstation/xbox?

Don’t trust CAMHS to see the whole picture.
He sounds like he has undiagnosed ASD/ mental health .
Can you see a psychiatrist privately?
Anxiety can be a huge problem and cause all sorts of control and combative behaviour. I say this as a mother of a 9 yr old with similar issues. He started fluoxetine 8 weeks ago and it has made a huge difference .

You are most definitely not a shit mum. You’re amazing. You’ve got him referred to CAMHS forensics, which is massive so bloody well done you!!! How long will it take for him to be seen?
Like other pp have said; keep contacting SS and police. Call parent line & your GP for yourself. Your daughters are going to need support too. You’re doing brilliantly but need help. Sending love!

So sorry to hear you're going through such an incredibly stressful time.

Are the difficulties securing a move for your son to another setting partly to do with lockdown? I'm thinking that it is harder at the moment for local authorities to organise introducing a young person to a residential provision (such as a boarding school for those with behaviour which challenges).

I wonder if it would be possible for your son to be in school till the end of term, based on his needs, or for your daughters to be in school, until the end of term, to give them some sort of a break from him.
Would it be a possibility for your daughters to go to live with their dad for a few weeks? What I'm thinking, is that it might not be possible to find an emergency placement in a provision due to lockdown and issues with introducing a new person to a set-up, but if your daughters moved out, carers could, perhaps, be assigned to you to work with your son in the home for a few hours a day. You would be enabled to step back and go to do other things, and the carers would be the ones enforcing boundaries; this would remove your son's opportunity to bully you and to turn every interaction into a power struggle. It might be possible to set up a fresh dynamic around rules, and they might be able to make headway tackling the problem with computer game dependency. You could have space to consider and rehearse different ways of giving instructions or achieving what needs to happen, ways which give him minimal opportunity to manipulate the situation into one in which he is in control of and like a sort of game which he wants to win.
Other than continuing to push for help, keeping a diary of incidents and what is happening will make it easier, perhaps, for a psychologist to become involved and to make visits, once lockdown has eased. I also think that if your ex were able to speak to your daughters and encourage them to say how they are feeling, that this would supply more evidence that help is needed. I bet it is very difficult for you to really talk with your daughters about what is going on, because all the situations in the home are being managed and dictated by your son.

The council is able to use Direct Payments to fund carers and, during a situation of crisis, they might be able to fund a substantial number of hours for a time. I would have thought that the ideal people to have to fill this carer/mentor role would be those who are registered with a specialist agency or those who work in pupil referral unit or special school usually. I have myself had carers who have worked with my son who has autism. They were young men who worked in the special school which he attended, and they were experienced in managing challenging behaviour. Social distancing would need to take place in the home and garden, but care work has to go on, in these times, and anything would seem to be preferable to you managing this on your own and feeling your health breaking down.

He sounds like he is really hurting and taking it out on everyone around him. This lockdown plus family break up maybe some deep rooted worries, plus IME 14 is the absolute pits for boys, plus bloody Fortnite....

I could write a lot but two sources of support: Sarah Naish books on therapeutic parenting and Non violent Resistance, there is a book by Sarah Fisher. A lot of adopters use these approaches. Basically a combination of self care, building a better relationship and trying to solve the underlying problem. I have a 14yo, it's improving slowly but some days are hideous, I feel for you.

He is displaying psychopathic traits. I’d be doing everything in my power to send him to some kind of care facility so you can move on with your life.

Sounds like he's pushing boundaries like any child does, only being a big fourteen year old male the pushing boundaries become more of a hazard to others.
Whilst I would not normally encourage people to give up on their children, your daughter's safety is paramount. Perhaps she could move to the safety of her dad's so you can focus on parenting your son?

My 12 year old has ASD and PDA and his behaviour was very much like this. However, it has been resolved now he is on antidepressants, he is much calmer and the violence and aggression has stopped. Only a Psychiatrist or Paediatrician can prescribe them - I would push your GP to refer you to one. Keep pushing until you get the help you need or (if yo can afford it) go private.

You mentioned that he wants to learn how to crochet. Could you teach him, or perhaps learn how to alongside him?

Everyone is very quick to leap to "put him in care!" and/or "have him sectioned!" - but I don't think they fully understand not only how difficult it is to do either, but also that you will lose your son completely. And as broken and exhausted as you are, OP, I don't think you want that. Not really.

At 14, your son is making choices. Does he understand that for every choice, there is a consequence, be it good or bad? Is he crying out for attention from you? Or is he flailing because he feels that he has to be "the man of the house"? You might get along with his stepmother, but does he? Does he feel like she's constantly studying him, looking for faults, and react accordingly? Does he resent the fact that you and his father are no longer together? Does he feel the weight of adult responsibilities bearing down upon his shoulders, and not know how/what to do? Was his father anything like this during your relationship with him?

He may well have a personality disorder, or other MH issues... sure. That's not improbable. Having him speak with a psychologist may well help (it did with my daughter)... but you can't force him to engage, unfortunately, so be prepared for him to close himself a little further away from you, if you seek psychological help for him.

My son, 16, went through a stage of very similar behaviours almost 2 years ago. It turned out that he thought that was how he was expected to behave, because he's the only male in the house, and his friends had been relating how their fathers/stepfathers behaved - so he daftly went with their examples. He didn't stop until, essentially, I had a complete breakdown through stress and he realised that he was the main cause. Two years on, he's a typical teenage boy - likes to sleep, hates homework, loves gaming... but there's no longer intimidation tactics and emotional warfare going on. One way back from the brink for us, was I asked him to show me how to play one of the games he liked. And that diverged into playing cards together. It's our "mother/son thing" now - and it's worked. Crochet may well be your son's saving grace and what brings him back to you. Either teach him, or learn together (there are plenty of tutorials online, but be aware of whether you're learning the American or UK way!) - and the precision of it, the accomplishment he'll feel when he has a finished item, the rhythm of it may well help quieten the rage of his mind. It's worth a try, surely?

I know it's hard, OP, but you're his mum. And he's crying out for attention - albeit in a horrendous way. Take some comfort from the fact that if he truly wanted to kill himself? He would have cut himself last night. But he got your full attention (and then the police's), didn't he?

There is no chance of him being taken into care based on this or being sectioned where we are you will have little chance of Camhs as the waiting list is months if not year.
Control what you realistically can:

1. Let him.know how deeply uoset you are and how his behaviour is not acceptable. Get his dad and stepmum to say similar things
2. Let him know how loved he is. He will be hating himself.
3. No gaming for an extended period (at least 2 weeks). Then very limited amount a day definitely no more than an hour. Ignore the "everyone else" bollocks. Everyone else can handle it, he can't. Life is unfait like that.
4. Make sure he eats well.
5. Get him exercising. Diet and exercise are the cornerstone of good mental health.
6. Spend time doing stuff together.

I have no much advice to give. I took away DS’s Xbox for 6 weeks for putting himself stupidly in danger (no violence, just sports related but dangerous anyway). I didn’t understand the effects, upset and stress having an addiction to gaming may have until then ... as the weeks went by my son looked more relaxed, more connected to the world around him, his speech changed from the usual quick grunts teenagers are known for to proper conversations, he made new friends, became competitive in other way (exam grades), started teaching himself other skills. Then the Xbox was back and the paradise was gone (although he kept the exam competitiveness so we are still benefiting from that period, he studies for hours)

But even after seeing the effects removing the Xbox had, I wouldn’t recommend that in your case. You cannot remove access to a drug from a violent drug addict if you have no safe place to hide from the withdrawal effects.

If you are in lockdown/schools are closed where you are, choose your battles to keep you and DDs safe: If letting him playing xbox at all hours and getting behind in school prevents him wandering around the house threatening you with a knife, let it be... the school can be sorted when we are back to normal far easier than dealing with the consequences of him hurting his sisters, you and himself.

You need more back up to deal with someone with psychopath traits, don’t start that fight until you have access to more help. For the time being, this may be about appeasing the aggressor until you have more back up and support in place to help you go through this.

I agree with The Mother above. The effect of gaming on some people is horrific. In years to come there will be studies to proof that for some children they are terribly bad for their mental health. You have nothing to lose but everything to gain. My DS also cannot have any fizzy drinks or anything with aspartame in. It sends him into a wired state.