I cant do it anymore. DS14 is destroying me

[Dumbledorker]

I cant even find the words to write how bad it is. Im scared this is relentless and there is no way out of this ongoing hell with him. How do you deal with feeling like you have a sociopathic child who will never change only get worse. Im so scared I will lose him either through him eventually taking his own life because he feels so hated and alone or that in the future I will have to cut ties with him because of how he is. I hate writing this about my own son. He is the sweetest kid at times but when everyone is gone and its just me and him then its different. Its when he cant have his own way he doesnt react like a normal moody teenager its just nasty, physiological abuse.. he will stand for sometimes hours giving me a speech that seems like its out of a play like an actor would talk like... he will sit in my bedroom while I try to sleep until I give in and give him his WiFi privileges or PlayStation. I used to have to just give in so I felt safe but because ive reached out for help in the last few months I've started to regain control and be consistent so things can go on all night and I won't give in to his demands. Tonight its bedtime at 11 as its the weekend. This has led to him refusing and sitting laughing at me in the living room so I gave him a warning and said he has to go to bed or his priviliges (WiFi and ps4) will be taken tomorrow.. he says I have no control and im a shit mum. So I go upstairs and take the console and from there hes tried take it back and then took the hdmi cable out of the back of the TV so I cant watch it when hes in bed. Ive tried to get the cable back and hes dramatically fallen and said ive physically abused him so ive taken the ps4 to the neighbours who is my friend and helps me. I came back and he has locked me out with my little girls still in the house, he picked up a knife gesturing that he's going to kill himself ive rung 999. They have come out and told him he needs to follow my rules under my roof and listen to me. Theyve asked me to keep an eye on him through the night..they referred back to SS again although we are already under the local family hub for support and camhs who have said its behavioural not mental health. He told the officers hes out the knife back and was upset. This is the 3rd time they've come out in 2 weeks. Hes since been downstairs a million times telling me I am no mum to him anymore and he's done with me. He scares his sisters when he's like this i can't have them watching all this anymore. Ive tried so much to help him but im exhausted and broken. I cant possibly write everything that is happening i just need to know if anyone else is like this or if it gets better. Its hell .

A lot of posters don't seem to live in the real world here. Care is unlikely to be an option. How likely is he to engage in any assessments or therapeutic work? Does he actually want things to change? Doesn't sound that way.

I'm not saying this to say you've got no options, but there isn't a quick fix here. Worth thinking about when these behaviours started and what might be the reasons for them, and think about what motivates him. Then you have a better idea of what to address.

I would maybe bring the kids to my friends go to hospital with him and see if he can be sectioned as he is obviously a danger to himself and others

My heart hurts for you xx

How is he at school? If he is also displaying behaviours of concern there, has he an EHCP?

If he doesn't have one, applying for one (SEMH) would be a good move. It might lead to a weekly residential placement for him, which would give you and the girls a break.

I feel so sorry did you op
No advice
Just kind thoughts hoping things improve for you

Op
I have been on mumsnet for ten years
This is genuinely most profoundly situation I have come across

disturbing

BullshitVivienne - it is a possibility - I have a friend whose mid-teen daughter had severe behavioural issues and was a danger to her mother - she was taken into care for the safety of the rest of the family. Hoops have to be jumped through, but it's a real option.

ThumbWitchesAbroad agree it might be possible, but the chances are very small and it won't be a quick fix.

anyone here with these asnwer been in a mental health facility recently after being sectioned?? come back when you have yes

He hurt the dog? Jesus Christ. He will start hurting your daughters, if he doesn't already. People like him take pleasure from inflicting pain. I don't care how ill he is, that's fucking awful.

Go privately for an assessment.

Do whatever it takes to pay for it.

It is very significant that he injured a dog's ear on purpose and that he made the suicide threat.

How old are his sisters? Surely, SS must be concerned about their safety? If there’s no emergency care available (and if there were, I’d worry about putting another family in danger, judging by his behaviour towards you) I think trying to get him sectioned is your only option. Just a thought, do you think he’s struggling with his sexuality? I honestly don’t know how knowing that will help you practically, but it might help you understand him more. So sorry to hear about your situation, OP, really trying to rack my brain to think of ways to help

There are said to be three signs of a psychopath. Bed wetting, hurting animals and setting fires. He’s already done one, so what about the other two ?
How is he with the girls, as another one is s*xually predatory behaviour ?
Have you spoken to the GP or School Nurse ? Has he been referred to CAMHS ?

He sounds very similar to the son of a woman I know and his all seemed to start due to smoking cannabis. He was then the same age as your son now.
Is there any chance at all that your son has been smoking cannabis ?

You need to contact the duty social worker and emphasise that your daughters are in danger, and keep phoning.

My dd at 15 nearly destroyed me. Hit me, verbally abused me, smashed her room, my youngest had to have counselling... It was abuse. I told her several times if she was my partner I would leave. The turning point for us was calling SS. My dh just broke first and couldn't do it anymore. They gave us lots of support and we slowly climbed back up. They assessed for fostering but decided she was best left at home. I couldn't keep her safe. Christ it was horrific.

Now? Five years on? She's working, after failing all her GCSES, and is happy and the kindest and sweetest person. She apologised for her behaviour about three years ago , when she had an abortion, and that was healing. Good luck. Remember..,,you are doing your best.

It sounds bloody awful, I am sorry you are going through this.
I will suggest a couple of things, but as I know you are trying everything they may be complete shite, so apologies if they are ridiculous.

• he appears to dictate the rules as he bullies you until you change them. Be very clear on whatever rules you want in place - text them to him, write them on his bedroom wall in a sharpie, whatever- make sure he knows and they are set in stone.
• pick your battles. Choose the 1/2/3 things you need to fix as a priority and ignore the rest through greed teeth and chewed tongue. For example: knives are only to cut food and not to be used as a threat.
• PS4 is a reward not a right. He gets it if he earns it. He has done nothing to earn it yet so it is going. Give it to a friend so you dont cave. If he can be relentless, so can you. Have a system as you would a toddler. You do x y and z this week, you can have 6 hours PS time on Sunday. You touch a knife in a threatening way? I knock off an hour. Break a rule 6 times? No PS.
• he is 14, so understands what he is doing, but in the way of a toddler has found strategies that mean he maintains control. He may have some social communication needs, it certainly sounds like it, but even so, that does not absolve him from following rules, as long as he understands what is expected and what the consequences is with absolute clarity and zero wiggle room.
• do not let him rant at you for hours. You are not a prisoner under torture. Put head phones in, do the hoovering, turn the music up and dance, wear earplugs. Make it a rule and cross PS time off.

Apologies for the essay. I will stop now! As I say, I am sure much of it is old information. I hope things improve for you all soon

gritted teeth

Hi OP. I went through this with my brother and unfortunately he had ended up into drugs and has had to move away for his safety. He was the same, had complete control and abused myself and my mum. It is also one of the reasons that I'm no contact with my mum for not protecting me although now I'm a mum myself I understand how hard it must be to basically have to choose between your children.

Your doing all the right things and are still showing him that your the parent. Please continue to do this as it will get worse otherwise. Can you hide all of you knives that can do damage so atleast if he thrratens you with a butter knife you know he cant actually stab you and you can therefore stand your ground. I agree with PP that when he is ranting to you don't listen to him. Put some headphones in and put some music on or a tv show on your phone. He will get bored eventually but it will take a while.

I'm sorry your going though this OP. I know it's awful. X

I would call the police. He needs to understand that his actions will have consequences. You shouldn't feel threatened in your own home.

There will never be a spot in emergency care, a friend went through this and spent years begging for help from social services and was constantly told she just had to deal with it. You can force their hand, though it's very extreme but if you relinquish care they have to take him. I wish you all the best, I really hope you find help for you all.

Honestly, for me this would be it. I'd pack all his electronic in the car, sit him in the car, and watch me throw them all in the skip. Give him some books and tell him he can go in his room, bathroom or garden but all other rooms are out of bounds as your daughters need to feel safe in their own home. And I'd be very clear in making him realise it was HIS behaviour that led to this and now he can't be trusted not to hurt his sisters. Pay for a private psychiatrist to get him evaluated again, and if it is still coming across as behaviour (although it sounds like he has psychopathic traits) I would then start looking at correctional schools. There are supposed to be some very good ones in Africa and America. Then be very clear to ss that this is it now for you, they either step in more so than what they have been doing, or you've found these schools and he's starting ASAP.

I know this sounds extreme, but his behaviour is (which you know). I'd be worried about him hurting a member of society, or your girls, or even your girls growing up with this and not speaking to you because they felt you didn't protect them enough or even worse, them seeing that behaviour and it impacting their choice of husbands (manipulative and abusive) because that is their normal.

My friend had a brother like this and it caused her mental health problems. He started hitting her when he didn't get his own way. Ruined every family moment there ever was. Stole cars, stole off elderly relatives and strangers. He also hit a dog so much it needed its eye removed. I always hated being around him even as a little girl I knew he was a bad person. My friend now in her darkest times can't understand why he mum didn't put her first. He is now a heroin addict who terrorises his mum and we'll known to police. It sounds like your son has no empathy and this will only get worse. The next time he pulls this disgusting shit tell the police you don't want him back. You have tried for too long and your other children need you to stand up for them.

How long has this been going on?

He really is pushing the boundaries since he believes there are no consequences. to a very dangerous level.

It was good to give the ps4 to the neighbour. I'd get rid of it for good.

Do you have any idea of what he does online? I would secretly install a keylogger to find out. It could be drugs, a group of malcontents he's friends with, violent porn. It's hard to say.

If it gets to the point where he won't calm down and is scaring you and his siblings, call the police on him and have them take him.

Also, definitely work on getting a professional assessment.

It sounds like he is displaying some psychopathic traits. Push for an assessment OP, consult the school and call the police when necessary.