Teenagers at home

[azaleanth90]

This is obviously a really hard time for them. I have a 14 year old and while he mostly does his school work, he flatly refuses any other engagement with routines, family time, cooking, or going for a walk/whatever. (We've been at home for a week) I feel some structure is really important for mental health as otherwise he will zone out on screens all day - though I know he needs that too. I see all these great ideas about developing their soft skills, exploring, reading, etc - mine will do none. He's very confrontational and determined to be in complete control of his time. What are other people with obstinate teens doing? Even the idea of leaving the house with us is unacceptable!

@Rosebel October?

Yes I was pretty upset when I read that too!

How is everyone doing? Dd1 (14l) has settled into it a bit more - in as much as she's won the fight for her phone overnight so we have less fights and.shes got so bored she has now ventured out of her room to play Minecraft with Dd2 (12) on a regular basis. Dd2 has hit the angry, I blame hormones stage and we can't say a word right. I'm so rose tinted glasses about the fact that if this happened a few years ago, they would have been best friends and coming up with amazing fun ideas every day. Can't drag them into the garden for love nor money. Feel so guilty about families who have no outside space. We have a great garden, trampoline and table tennis, and they won't touch it.

Hello, I was wondering what you are all doing about teens meeting friends?

I have daughters aged 17, 15, and 13. They have been really good about lockdown. 17 year old has a boyfriend of seven months who she's accepted not seeing right from the beginning (his dad is high risk) as well as all her friends. With it being her last year at school socialising obviously feels even more vital as well. All three have recently requested to go for "socially distanced walks" with a friend or even a few friends. I at first said no but after speaking with my own friends via video call I have realised they are mostly allowing their children to do this. No-one in our family is high-risk. Have you been allowing your teenagers to do this kind of thing?

I've taken to drink to avoid a grumpy snarling teenager. I don't feel particularly comfortable in my own home at the moment. I'm hoping things will straighten out soon. He's an A star pupil but hates not being with his friends.

I feel lockdown is so much harder with teenagers, who know it all, eat it all and are always right!

@RoiseCap

To be frank, I think teenagers are having a difficult enough time at the moment without being denied access to the same relaxation of the rules as adults.

Social contact is vitally important for mental health at that age and the risk of transmission outdoors is very low. I'm surprised your 17 year old hasn't already told you where to go and gone for her walk with a friend tbh.

My 13 year old has only a asked once but her dad said no. He has a,point as he's asthmatic and I'm pregnant but was surprised at her friends parents as her dad has cancer. My daughter was a bit upset but seemed okay. Depending on how things go by the summer and especially when my husband is back at work I will seriously consider letting her meet up with one friend.
At the moment they seem to be okay, they had another water fight the other day and they got new phones as an early birthday present so happy with that but I think they feel the same as everyone else and that enough is enough and want to go back to normal whatever that is now.

Same here. This is what I do:

1. Give them some slack, they are depressed too. So acknowledge that
2. Set some firm rules: max 4 hours of screen time a day, apart from school work (then am a bit relaxed in applying them).
3. Explain we work AND do house work and that's not fair. We have a 'family parliament' to discuss this. So he has to do jobs for half an hour a day: what does he choose? Give them a list. I enforce him to do it. Say the day before: 'tomorrow is job x', then ask him at noon: when will you so x (giving him the idea he can still choose something, then at the time he said he would, wait 10 min then remind him. Then return after 5 min and stand there watching him on his play station until he does the job.
4. I have said 1 hour of exercise a day, and have given him 10 options (badminton with me is his preferred one, which is good for me too)
5. Do something away from home once a day (haven't been able to enforce that daily, but have managed twice a week).

Discuss with DH first as there will be some serious push back. My DS takes about 3 days of constant rebellion, and then he realises he has to do it and just does it. The key is to then give him more space and stop nagging, but just do a gentle reminder. 'What were you planning for your exercise today?'. What also helped was mentioning which of his friends/competitors! are doing loads of sports. 'Everyone is always on their playstation' turned out not to be true. I spoke with several other parents to get some facts about that, so I had a good argument there. Good luck. Dreading summer holidays....

@RoiseCap I have no issues with my teens going for socially distanced walks with friends - it's become an almost daily occurrence - they miss their friends, we are not in a vulnerable group, why shouldn't they see them?

I think they get on well enough that they've been satisfied with each other's company until around the last week. They don't see much of each other in term time because they're all quite busy and their school is massive so holidays are their big catch up. I've also been very un-strict with letting them video-call their friends - usually it's no phones over tea but we've had a few teas with extras propped up at the table on screens. It has been funny. We have also had some girls at the gates a few times because they've been making and dropping off each other little parcels and things, especially the thirteen year old. I don't think she's ever received so many kinder buenos! A walk just seemed a little longer than a five minute wave.

Anyway I'm glad to hear it's not something that will be universally frowned upon if I allow it! We have one very nosy neighbour who I know will question but other than that should be fine.

@Rosebel oh it would definitely be a no if anyone was high risk for me! Fortunately all four of us are in good health. I know my fifteen year old won't be able to see her absolute best friend for a while because she had leukemia when younger so her family are being a whole new level of careful, and my oldest daughter's boyfriend's dad is asthmatic and has crohn's disease which is why they're in total lockdown.

I wish mine would take a socially distanced walk! He's seen one friend once since lockdown started. Currently we are arguing about whether I can make him leave the house now and then and whether kicking a ball around the very small garden counts as exercise. I'm finding it hard to tell whether his reluctance to go out is depression, normal adolescence, compliance with the fading rules, or anxiety which he's had issues with before. Generally he's a good kid but once I try to control his time - he's 14 - all hell breaks loose!

What I have realised is that my ds ( aged 14) needs routine - to hasn't been easy but now we have routine whereby we go out as a family in the evening ( a few heated discussions sometimes but we get there ) and he goes for a walk round the block around lunch with his sister or dad. To get this far hasn't been easy ...but slowly slowly

Xbox restricted to 2 1/2 hours a day and no more- mostly after 4pm..it will probably go to pot now we are in half term

It's definitely getting harder for those of us with teens. They often get forgotten and everyone assumes they're self sufficient but they're often not and still children. I can imagine Lockdown with young chisren must be easier in some ways - they're happy with walks, playing in the garden, painting, playdough... My ds, 14 is bright but getting him started on his work and getting him to stay on track is hard. I think he wants to do it but has little motivation atm. He goes for odd walks and bike rides with his dad but generally he's on the scourge, the ps! He is a talented guitarist and practices a fair bit and has his weekly now online lesson. To be fair he does spend time with us but any spare time it's straight onto the console. I'm aiming for him to get to bed by 12 weekdays and 2am Fri and Sat as he says its different as it's the weekend! I have encouraged him to go for sd bike rides and play sd football with friends but he doesn't seem overly bothered. He says his friends have all mentioned it. I think it's a combination of slight worry about observing sd, it's probably pretty grim going out with mates at a distance and maybe some parents aren't allowing it. I wish all the teens were returning to school first.

My 15 yr old d's was ace the first month of lockdown ref schoolwork and exercise but now not doing any distant learning. I have told the school. I tried so hard to motivate him and it made me ill (hypertension history). We will have to see what happens once year 10 resumes part time mid June. He is also quite rude at times. More than usual. So although I pull him up on it I haven't imposed any sanctions. I just honestly hope his attitude to learning really picks up then but it will only open mornings for five weeks max. Worried sick as he has a v lax attitude to learning like most boys until year 11. I do fear for his future.

He does go out distant socialising weekly on his bike though plus helps a bit ref housework.