Teenagers at home

[azaleanth90]

This is obviously a really hard time for them. I have a 14 year old and while he mostly does his school work, he flatly refuses any other engagement with routines, family time, cooking, or going for a walk/whatever. (We've been at home for a week) I feel some structure is really important for mental health as otherwise he will zone out on screens all day - though I know he needs that too. I see all these great ideas about developing their soft skills, exploring, reading, etc - mine will do none. He's very confrontational and determined to be in complete control of his time. What are other people with obstinate teens doing? Even the idea of leaving the house with us is unacceptable!

Mine here given up. I'm nagging constantly but I feel their pain I really can't be bothered either. Even if they go back on 1st June I'm not able to send them in as I'm vulnerable (along with my husband and youngest daughter) so we're going struggle on until September then review.
I'm not too worried about my youngest as she's in Y7 but worry more about my eldest who is in Y9. Also my eldest lacks motivation at the best of times but she's better in school. I.I'm sure this is going to impact their education and not in a good way.

Think we should all cut ourselves some slack - this is really hard for us and the teenagers. And its not a productivity competition (I'm sure loads of the posts about perfect productive teenagers cover up all the normal not so pleasing stuff!)

On the advice of a friend - I tried some of the below - and it did help although hard to do when you're fuming inside...

Praise them when they do something right (anything no matter how small)
tell them you love them

admitting to my own mistakes

got involved in what they enjoy - yes 2 teenage girls so make up/tik tok and other horrors.

and the best but hardest was changing our boundaries. For us it was "as long as you get 8 hours sleep at some stage over a 24 hour period, join family meals and do one chore - the rest is up to you how you play it". Handed over control to them (they are 18 and 14 - although 14 year old still has school work so not quite so loose with her sleep) and stopped nagging about everything else. Yeah - 18 yr old now nocturnal along with most of her mates but they seem to be less resentful as we've allowed them to make their own decisions on the rest. Actually seem a bit more helpful and open.

I love this chat since I now don't feel alone. I have a ds and dd...dd is fine and her school work takes most of the day ( timetabled for the day) but my ds is in year 10 and I thought this home learning would work for him but he has decided what is important and not! 🙄 so selective in his work... slightly worried but my saving grace is he surely can't be the only one not doing all the work!! I used to nag and now I try not too...hard!!!

Must be hard for our teens as well as...

Let's see what the government says on Sunday about schools....

I have been waking her (him) up the same sort of time every day, creating structure with meal times and walking the dog, taking phone away at night..
And no phone when eating, either. And various other restrictions, but not too many. He is asked to do exercise every day. However, phone disappears from 4 until 5, so he if he wants to get out with phone, he must do before 4. Pretty compliant.
Balks against the mealtime w/out family-no-phone-time, but not budging. Keeps him off screen and from mindlessly eating....
Take all devices into our room at bedtime. Lock door.
I am so sorry. I wish I could be more helpful.

make up/tik tok and other horrors.
My DD is still little young for this (but too old to play baby (dolls), but kudos!
Hated floor-play. Rather just go to the zoo or the park!
God bless moms like me in these times!

Oh my goodness - we had a great day yesterday - maybe I should start one of those perfect family FB posts!

dd needed help with a dance routine submission for her BTech drama - so we worked on that, having had problems the day before with learning it, she got it, so lots of positives. Okay it was overdue (well you can’t have everything), but she was pleased with it and I think a little shocked how good it was. Not easy filming in the living room on an iPad!

She then spent some time in the garden with me. Okay she didn’t bake the cake she promised to do, so I did it, but I didn’t nag!

The fact she came out of her room, showered and looked great was lovely. I think it also helped that a post on Instagram got lots of likes and comments - it comes to it when the quality of your day depends on others approval!

@Paddlinglikehell what achievements! All gone to pot here with lots of arguments about nothing. Work is apparently being done, alongside gaming, facetime, houseparty - all I can hear is chat chat. Three day weekend means three days of fortnite. Total refusal to leave the house - have they all made a pact to stick to the rules, unlike everyone else in the world?

Oh God my 13yo is foul right now. Grumpy, nothings good enough, foods ‘rank’, trails clouds of misery everywhere he goes.
We are all clearly not the people he wants to be around right now and he moans constantly. On phone, Xbox all the time unless I step in. Argh!

Struggling today, and feeling like a shite parent.
DC (15 & 13( spending more and more time in their rooms gaming/YouTube/SM. Don't want to come out for walks or mess about in garden.
DD especially antagonistic and rude. Snaps at everyone.

Took their tech away at 9 last night and it was WW3.

My reserves of resilience and tenacity are almost empty and feel like we're quickly disappearing down a black hole

Are they up yet @DorsetCamping ?
You are not a shit parent. What you are going through is not unusual!! It’s how relentless the mood is! I hope you’re getting time away from it too.

Yes they're up in the sense they're awake and on tech!

Oh God my 13yo is foul right now. Grumpy, nothings good enough, foods ‘rank’, trails clouds of misery everywhere he goes.

Just leaving this here - 13 year olds are not nice people, it's not intentional, they are battling too - they are argumentative, grumpy, aggressive, sullen, hormonal and do not want to spent any time with their families - normally!
You people with 13 year olds deserve a meda, your 13 year olds deserve a medal, it is the hardest time from them and you and you are all doing it under lockdown - a time when they really need their space, as do you!
Mine are now 16 and are lovely (not perfect but perfectly ok) but at 13 I thought they were broken, wondered how things had got so bad so quickly - the harmony in the house had been replaced with constant sniping at each other. We built each other back up again and you will do the same. Meanwhile of you haven't read any parenting teenagers books it might be time to read or re-read some to remind yourselves that you and your teens are ok - this is just a phase and you will get through it.

Really happy (don’t think that’s the right word, but…) to read your experiences and feel better about my day. Was semi-pleased with myself to have gone nearly eight lockdown weeks without a cross word (-ish) or fistfight or nervous breakdown with my two teen DDs (15, 17) and one 11-year-old DS but it all went nuclear with my 17YO DD today. ‘I fucking hate you! I fucking hate living in this house with you! Why are you fucking like this? I fucking fuckity-fuck-fuck-etc. etc. blah blah.’ (I managed to stay calm and not get shouty-sweary, although the exchange brought a tear to my eye once I was safely on my own.)

My crime against humanity (or teenagers? Are they in fact human?) was to point out that we live in a shared space with six people in straightened circumstances and sometimes – sometimes – people need to briefly be in the same room (kitchen, living room, bathroom) while you do homework or exercise or Instagram or arse-scratching or whatever, so try to be tolerant in these difficult times. ‘Un-fucking-forgivable’ apparently. I know it’s tough for them but it’s not fun for anyone so try harder maybe?

I’ve heard it’s possible to get CS gas and/or a Taser on the darkweb so I’m going dodgy shopping this evening. That’ll show them

Oh please let me know if you get zy.
I've had enough, they're so bad tempered and tbh I'm not much better. Usually my parents have them for a few,days at Easter and half term so think we've all had enough of each other. Minimal work being done and just had an email from school saying there's a possibility they won't be back until October.
I nearly burst into tears.

8 weeks without a cross word?! That is seriously impressive. We have managed two days.

Our 13 year old won't even go for walks anymore. The most he's done for 6 weeks is play football with me on the local field, for an hour a day. He's in his room all day. Sleep pattern totally messed up. He is regularly going to sleep at 1am and then back up at 6am. He is argumentative and was aggressive yesterday. Really horrible, threatening behaviour. Todays aggression was a demand for restricted mode to be turned off You Tube. I have a parent app so can see everything he does on the internet thank goodness! I'm gutted that he had regular sport activities and a good sleeping pattern.
I am exhausted and tearful. DH is working from home 7.30-4 so I'm trying to keep peace. He's got a cracked rib so can't even take DS for daily exercise. It's all me.
I can't see this ending positively

I feel really concerned now about the long time til schools go back. My 14 year old won’t leave the house, does no exercise, won’t do anything with us and is spending hours and hours online. Is in a foul mood half the time. Not interested in seeing friends even when it’s possible under current conditions. I could cut off the WiFi/ phone, but it makes him really angry and that doesn’t help- but he also won’t have reasonable conversations. I foresee six more months of this and it seems really bad for him. What are other parents planning for their teens? Won’t do any extra school work or anything work-like.

Oh surely not another 6 months. My two are climbing the walls. They are so bored. They seem to have lost the motivation to exercise but my youngest is like a cadged animal she's used to a lot of exercise but can't be bothered. They did go in the garden though
We've done some online learning but not as much as we should. I'm rather worried about how my eldest is going to do in her GCSE, she's going in to Y10 in September but am worried she won't be back at school or if she is it'll be part time.
But it's getting worse for people breaking lockdown round here which I fear will lead to a second peak soon.

Oh yes four months I miscounted lol. Am definitely up the wall. Tbh mine was unmotivated anyway but losing school, scouts etc has just pulled the rug away completely.

Hello 👋 my nearly 14 year old year 9 is really hard work at the moment. Dh are working full time and have four children to juggle. The other three have been really good but he just needs supervising a lot and moans/kicks off regularly. He will only do his homework if one of us sits with him and actively supports /encourages him along. The minute you get up he gets up, plays around, etc...

With us both having to tag team to get him through its a nightmare. There isn't an option to drop the work as the school is strict and also in fairness all the work is sensible, not excessive and totally doable (he is really bright, so no issues with struggling with the work itself).

I know it's hard for them but also if you leave him to it he would just go on fortnite. He was so much better at the beginning, going for bike rides, walking, doing other things in general... I think motivation has hit rock bottom but we are exhausted... Can't wait for another four months like this! 😆

Such a reassuring honest post.
My 15 year old has been having 2 weeks at his dad’s- nocturnal, no school work, no restrictions on phone or Xbox, no family time. When he’s here I’ve been setting him up with his school work each morning, bringing him breakfast in bed with a reward of £20 on a Friday and an all-nighter with his xbox on a sat. Every other night I take them both at 12. We were having a few hours each night family time, all getting good at poker, all pretty harmonious.
Then he broke quarantine and went playing football with a few friends, I saw them high-fiving etc. I quarantined him in his room for 3 days to teach him a lesson, he didn’t seem to mind as he just played xbox all day, no school work done. When he came out yesterday (sun) he was lovely, understood, we had a nice night then he kicked off about handing over his xbox and phone insisting he deserved an all-nighter.
He packed his stuff, called his dad and has gone to live there. Devastated.

I relate to so many of these posts- it’s reassuring to know we’re not alone with our 13 year! I read an article about home learning experiences on the BBC who said children were averaging between 4 & 6.5 hours a day, which has really depressed me as I’m lucky to get a maximum of 3 hours a day from my 13 year old - who regularly picks a fight with me or her younger brother to get out of doing any of it. She’s falling further & further behind with overdue work on Show My Homework, which is making her more despondent. She has moments of being lovely & motivated, but on the whole is really hard work at the moment. Husband is still out working everyday & I’m trying to juggle working from home so we’re all under a lot of pressure!

Me too Elf2105. I'm lucky to get 30 mins of work out of my 14 year old and normally she is really hard working. No interest in going out of the house, engaging with us at all. I've shed many a tear but what can I do? I've tryied nagging cajoling, bribing , leaving her to it.....none of it works

Some kids will never catch up on the work. My ds is certainly one of those. He does the bare minimum with a lot of fidgeting and avoidance.
He had a chance to scrape level 3 GCSEs but is now going to be going into Y10 in September with a huge struggle ahead