Teenagers at home

[azaleanth90]

This is obviously a really hard time for them. I have a 14 year old and while he mostly does his school work, he flatly refuses any other engagement with routines, family time, cooking, or going for a walk/whatever. (We've been at home for a week) I feel some structure is really important for mental health as otherwise he will zone out on screens all day - though I know he needs that too. I see all these great ideas about developing their soft skills, exploring, reading, etc - mine will do none. He's very confrontational and determined to be in complete control of his time. What are other people with obstinate teens doing? Even the idea of leaving the house with us is unacceptable!

I know, I feel like I'm constantly cooking! DS (11) is going through a growth spurt, nothing is safe from him.

Two grumpy teens here and me going greyer by the day.

Dd17 is very unmotivated by school work to the point where I've had to contact her teachers to say that she's struggling with the excessive quantities of school work, lack of routine and really missing her friends.

Ds18 has turned nocturnal. Occasionally he grunts at me in the kitchen while piling junk food onto a tray to take back upstairs with him.

And this is only week two...

Eldest DS has slowly turned full nocturnal going to bed at 6am and getting up at around 3pm. I can't complain though as he's keeps up with college work, and does his work for his 2 employers, well within deadlines. the rest of the time he's online with friends, and walks the dog

youngest DS seem ok, miraculously doing school work, and kicking the ball in the garden a few times a day. plays on line with friends the rest of the time.

We just don't see them, they are not interested In doing anything at all with us.
But they do eat tea with us and communicate reasonably well, so I let them get on with.

I feel better after reading this thread! My teens are definitely not engaging cheerfully in lots of wholesome family activities and self improvement.

2 dd age 14 and 15 ds 11, I'm still working so they get to do nothing until I'm home at lunch for an hour then they do very little til I get home at 4. The eldest is trying to keep some structure and has been on walks, done you tube workouts. They help with some chores. The 14 year old won't really do anything, its good to know its not just mine, I feel so guilty still working and leaving them to it when I feel I should interacting with them.

DS 14 has been reluctantly engaged in doing school work for 3 hours every morning, even though a lot of it is spent slumped at the dining table, moaning about oh my God, this is so pathetic. Why are teachers even setting this stuff?.

He has generally managed an hour or so in the garden, kicking a football about. Rest of the time is on Xbox/phone/stuck in his bedroom.

Today has been fairly hellish though. He was awkward and mardy from the start and gave up work after just over an hour, refused to do any more. Has said he'll do some next week (which should be Easter holiday) and that he was 'tired' and going back to bed. Has appeared for meals but been morose and is currently back upstairs.

This is going to be a long 3 months, or however long schools are off...

Perfect description of my 15 yr old DD @irregularegular - definitely not engaging cheerfully in lots of wholesome family activities and self improvement 🙄 Like some others here, she's pretty much nocturnal, has given up on her 'pointless' schoolwork and hasn't left the house at all in over a week 🤷‍♀️

Thank goodness it's not just me then.

Everyone else I know irl seems to have teenagers who are baking, going on family walks, playing family board games and generally 'connecting again'. Mine are generally nocturnal and only doing what they want, certainly not wanting to come for a walk with me. Though I can entice them to connect via food and occasionally tv.
I have two DDs (14&17) who are talking to each other and even managed to help each other with hair dyeing/nails (you know, the important stuff!!)
Not sure we will be doing any cutesy family lockdown singalong videos soon though.

The only saving grace is that they seem to be doing some school work (not always with 100% effort).

I am single parent & still wfh so generally go to bed before them, and I came down this morning and thought my house was like a reverse elves and the shoemaker .... go to bed with tidy kitchen, wake up to carnage from late night drink/snack making! They will help tidy up, under duress, but it's all so exhausting and repetitive.
Disclaimer - I know plenty of people have much worse stuff on right now but am glad i can sound off here with others that actually understand!

Eckhart Tolle: “The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment. You create a good future by creating a good present.”

I thought this was quite a relatable quote for those (teens) who are feeling despondent about how much anything they do right now can count.

Naturally my teens eyes rolled so hard when I shared it I'm not sure they'll ever right themselves again 😣

My son has been practising for isolation his whole life.

He refuses to leave his room at the best of times.
He does school work for a few hours between 10-2, prob around 2 hyes worthbof decent work. Onky comes down for food and refuses to even come on a walk.

It's a teenage thing I'm sure, other friends are complaining that their sons are the same.

Oh I am so glad I have come across this thread. I've been in tears today thinking it was just us and feeling an utter failure.
Thank you for sharing and being honest.

I have to say I'm so happy this didn't happen 10 years ago. I can't imagine anything worse than being stuck in a 2bedroom flat in London with 2 teenagers. Good luck to you all.

I actually messed up and thought Easter break was this week and hadn't done any off their set work. They where doing it and when I left them to go make lunch I hear them back playing with plushies (teddies) and they are 11 and 15.

I have one of these - he's only just up now.
BUT
looked at from another perspective, the crisis means that teenagers can live to the timetable which certainly seems more natural to them - later rising, later going to bed, much more sleep generally. More insular, social interactions carefully controlled/contrived.

I've often thought that it's nuts that the school day begins at 8.30am when most teens would naturally sleep much later, even if they were going to bed at a 'normal' time.

The same goes in terms of having fewer interactions with parents, as they begin to pull away in order to be able to leave the nest, and fewer demands made upon them in terms of discipline. It's not how I naturally parent - I'm a massive nagger/worrier/seeker of compliance! - but for various reasons (ADHD) I've had to back off hugely with DS. I'm hoping that even though as a result he will likely grow up to be less compliant/hard-working/driven/achieve-y, he will be more 'himself' than he would otherwise have been, and possibly/hopefully happier and more creative.

He might eventually choose to 'knuckle down' (if at all) rather than having it imposed upon him. Same with his relationships - he may (though may not) eventually learn that give and take is better in the long run, and choose to be less selfish, rather than being forced to be.

There's a book called The Teenage Brain which I bought (but never read - bad parent) which looked v interesting on how teenagers are wired. I might get it out!

Well today DS didn't bother at all. Refused to get up. Came down at 11.30 saying he'd do work next week - so clearly has written Friday off as well.

It's really pissed me off, but I've been working all day and haven't had the time or the energy to challenge it. After tea I shall be removing the Xbox controller however. If he's not doing school work then he's not playing games.

That will obviously go down well...

Ha very similar here. Mine didn't get dressed today til 5 pm and did his work in bed with predictable results. Tell me - are other people letting them have phones when they're meant to be working? (they aren't allowed them at school) I don't mind chat with friends but there's a lot of nothing going on here. And how much supervision should they be having at 13-14? if I don't oversee it work is minimal and done in quickest possible time - I feel like I should be making him do something nearer the appropriate lesson time.

I have let my keep his phone because I felt he was struggling without being able to see mates/go out. And he's mostly been off it (although checks it fairly often) when working.

I've been supervising because I have work to do, so the two of us have been working opposite each other at the dining room table, but it's been tough.

I let my son keep his phone, he isn't so bad. I take my daughters off her sometimes, otherwise she would sit and watch you tube all day.

Lock down started so well, we had an amazing timetable, ate lunch at set times . I done so much washing and cleaning and was really good at working from home. Three days later. We all get up whenever the hell we like, they might do some work. I probably wont do any more cleaning than i would do if I was at work all day and we eat at the most random times. I really wanted lunch at 10am today. Managed to hold off until 11:30, I also snack on so much crap.

I need someone to take all the food away.

That's my day in a nutshell, combined with a mad dash clean before dp comes in so he doesnt think I'm a slob. So if I cant be disciplined and certainly cant expect my teenagers to be.

Spaceradar you sound like me. First week wfh I mowed lawn in my lunch break, got up an hour before logged on do some jobs. This week getting up 5 mins before logging on. DS 's routine out of window too. Going try next week be a bit more proactive.

Your day sounds just like mine @Spacerader 🤦‍♀️

@Spacerader if you are working from home
Why do you have to tidy up for dp coming home there is more important things at the moment than a tidy house.
You are working also so how does he expect you to work and tidy.

@Andi2020 he doesnt expect me to work and tidy.

It's more that I look like a complete slob all day, leave chaos wherever I go, and am doing very little 'working from home', so quickly do a sweep of the house so it doesnt look like I'm a complete slob. It was more of a light hearted joke. Dp wouldnt give a crap if I hadn't tidied or done anything all day.

First week was pretty hard. The routine I implemented came with a lot of attitude, they knew they were being unreasonable but they were so upset about the whole thing, their whole world turned upside down - who wouldn't be? I insisted on them getting up at 9am, sending the dog in to wake them might sound cowardly but they can't get annoyed with the dog, who is so very pleased to see them.

I have not put any restrictions on phones etc. I have agreed to make them a special treat everyday because they are no longer allowed to go to the shops for daily treats, food always makes them feel loved and cared for - lots of their favorite meals being planned for too!

They stay in their bedrooms all day except for meal times, they are very touchy but fortunately not very sulky. We have managed to play cards once - it was fun - it's usually a holiday activity for us - whist work well if there are 4 of you. And we often invite the grandparents to join us over dinner via facetime dcs always put on the charm for the oldies.

Might be something helpful on here?
61 Activities for Teenagers during lockdown

We've downloaded jackbox.tv - lots of teenager pitched games you can play as a family but on your own TV/phone screens. It's a bit like cards against humanity in that you can make some of the jokes etc as dodgy as you want but our teens think it's hilarious and it entices them out of their rooms every now and again (probably good for DH and I too as we wfh long hours and when I finish work I'm just as guilty as my kids of poring over my phone stressing about the news or on Twitter/Mumsnet tbh😳)..