Teenagers at home

[azaleanth90]

This is obviously a really hard time for them. I have a 14 year old and while he mostly does his school work, he flatly refuses any other engagement with routines, family time, cooking, or going for a walk/whatever. (We've been at home for a week) I feel some structure is really important for mental health as otherwise he will zone out on screens all day - though I know he needs that too. I see all these great ideas about developing their soft skills, exploring, reading, etc - mine will do none. He's very confrontational and determined to be in complete control of his time. What are other people with obstinate teens doing? Even the idea of leaving the house with us is unacceptable!

I have one of each. DD15 has lots of school work (though won’t have for next two weeks) and is getting on with all of it diligently plus reading books as well as some YouTube etc. DS12 (almost 13 - going to be a lockdown birthday) is doing his schoolwork as quickly as possible then wants to be either on a screen or doing nothing. I’ve let him get away with it to some extent as been busy WFH myself. Both come on a walk with us each day as I don’t give them a choice - and actually I think they semi- enjoy it though wouldn’t admit it!

DD said “well I guess I’ll have to learn to do some housework next week” whereas DS said “more time to watch videos”.

They are generally reasonably compliant given their age so I am going to insist that at weekends and in holidays they have to do each of the following each day:
One walk or bike ride plus one other form of exercise
Something helpful
Read
Something fun not involving a screen
Something creative

We will see how that goes!

@Spacerader you could be me! Last week was disciplined and organised. DCs were up and dressed before starting work at 9. This week is a very different story!

Nearly fell off my chair when 18yr old ds asked to play a game of Chinese chequers last week but since then he hasn't stepped foot in the sitting room like usual.
12yr old on ps4 far too much but I do try and get him to do a bit of work and walk the dog with me. Bought some courgette seeds and got him to pop into the soil but he wasnt interested and hates courgettes !

Another one here just to say thanks to you all for being honest - the only mums of teens I know have been making it sound like they live in the Waltons household (v old reference ) whilst I don’t see mine until 2ish and then they rarely speak to me.

Yep its shite here too. Ds nearly 15 started the first week with a routine. Get up do some school work etc then went downhill . It really affected my MH so enlisted dd20 to help.
Sent him to his crap dad for a few days. I cried. I'm worried about his mh too.

The army has sent ds 18 back...
I am up to 6 dc here now..

As if 5 wasn't enough..
New patio getting a closer prospect...

DS happy as a pig in shit here. On screens all day interacting with friends who also seem to be on screens all day. Playing games, watching films, zoom & discord. I believe 'transitional work' is on the way to prepare for 6th form. Until then he's living the dream.

I know all those feelings... but have had to tell myself, be reasonable and be thankful:

Reasonable = if they weren’t into family things a month ago that’s unlikely to miraculously change now; everyone’s mental health is very important at this time and arguments are not going to help.

Thankful = they’re home safe where I can check they’re OK and not going to catch the virus; small things happen, eg an unexpected half hour on our mini table tennis table - celebrate that (mainly in my head, not out loud, otherwise they’ll probably never do it again!).

And use bribery heavily (which works well with DD, not so much the DS), ie am paying them for doing exercise, music making, reading and small chores. I know I’m very lucky that my financial position - not we’ll paid at all but know I will have a job to return to and not paying for petrol etc at the moment - allows me to do this, and that others are very worrried about money at present however.

Also it’s only been this week that I’ve started getting into a routine of sorts, we’re all getting used to this new situation, be kind to everyone. This is quite a long game, things will develop.

My son is 16, Year 11. I’m just leaving him to it to be honest. He’s sensible. He’s doing some prep for his A levels but there’re such a long way off it seems a bit pointless at the moment, we’ve bought him the A level books so he’s able to just plod through. He’s sleeping, gaming, watching Netflix. exercising, walking the dogs and chatting with friends. He is awake til 2/3am and sleeping late in the day but it just doesn’t seem important at the moment. He won’t read although he’ll happy watch tv with us or chat about stuff so I think he’s doing ok. 😬 I hope so anyway, it’s hard for them without their social life, exams being cancelled, well all their plans for summer after GCSEs are just gone.

My 11 year old is loving being off school. She’s happily doing school work at home and I’ve started going through some ks3 maths and science with her. We’re not doing definite times each day though, she’s happier with things being more relaxed. She’s drawing, using her iPad, PC and chatting to friends. She’s happy to stay inside but I’m making her walk the dogs with us just to get a bit of exercise in. She’s going to bed later than normal, about midnight most nights then she’s up by about 9/10am.

It’s strange times and we’re just trying to make the kids as happy as we can. Keeping good mental health for everyone is a priority.

they’re

Similar here..
Dd1 15 started well in the first week, but second week she has just done school work, not got dressed and not talkative/grumpy a lot..
Ds1 who is 13 very similar
Ds12 his usual amenable self, bends over backwards and up for most things as he is very sweet. Dd 10 also much better, does art, trampoline, is just her normal bubbly self. Grateful for the younger two who immensely lighten up the mood in the house!!! 😆

They amaze me how their personality changes in 2 mins. Been in room all day. Made him come down for family board game time and curry. Bit face on him. All smiley and jokey now with friends now on xbox. Heard him say oldies made him play a rank game.

I've just had a delightful time as DS (11) decided to build a hideout out of a blanket and cushions and wanted to sleep in it.

DD (14) decided to sit on it and destroy it. Cue massive argument, DS upset because he couldn't reconstruct it exactly the same way; I get annoyed as I'm browsing on MN and don't want my relaxation disturbed.

All because a teenager can't resist upsetting her little brother.

Mine is saying the most ridiculous stuff at times, they other day the bin men didn't empty our bin so it's now full and we have bags waiting to go in. I had a moan about it and was told that I'd soon complain if they came and took the rubbish without permission 🤷‍♀️

My 18 year old was due to sit her A levels this year. College asked them to finish any homework or outstanding work and submit that last week which she did. We also did some jigsaw puzzles last week (her idea) so a positive start.

However this week she seems to have got into a routine of going to bed really late so not getting up until the afternoon. She’s also started missing her boyfriend so is a bit grumpy. She’s furloughed from her part time job so is still getting some money but it’s a small business so doesn’t know whether she will have a job after lock down, the owner has said he will need to reduce staff if and when they re-open.

Hugs to you all.

This is giving me a whole new perspective of Anne Frank's parents. 2.5 years in an attic with 3 teenagers, no screens, no communication except with the 'helpers'.

I bet if her parents kept a diary it would have been totally different to hers.

Although I am thinking there is potential for a new sitcom, "Lockdown with teenagers"

@sashh I have been thinking that! At least they had three teenagers, life with just one is really hard on all of us as it’s so intense.

Reading these posts has given me a boost ironically. So tired of seeing social media posts about quality family time and diligent children when my DD, 15, barely leaves her room, accuses me of criticising her and not thinking of her mental health if I mention routine or physical activity.

Massive row last night - teenagers only thinking of themselves, it's hardly newsflash stuff, but it's bloody annoying.
We finally got them to see the error of their ways - mind you I'm not proud of how I handled communications from my side, there was a lot of shouting and some swearing , they can just be so deliberately obtuse at times, it's really wearing.
New day - bbq planned and that should cheer everyone up.

@sashh "Lockdown with Teenagers" the new Kevin and Perry" 😂 Also, great idea for a book The Frank's Diary. Have you ever wanted to be a writer? Now may be a good time to start😉

Enjoy your BBQ today @mooboy, new day, fresh start ☀️ Thanks for the link to activities for teens btw. We're doing Come Dine With Me. It's the final tonight - winner gets a home made Head Chef hat! Funny how this has got DD (and DH) on board with cooking. Previous suggestions by me that we share the cooking went down like a lead balloon. I'm hoping this will be a weekly event 🤞😊

@staywithmemyblood more shared cooking here too. But leaving Dh to it today

Shared cooking was the thing that started our row!🤣

It's DD's turn tonight. Fingers crossed she stays calm and it doesn't end up in a row. I'm not at my best when I'm hangry 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's like my 14yr old has had a personality change over night. She has decided this is sh** and so she's going to be miserable for the duration. Sleep all day. Keep the curtains shut. No interaction with family. Won't go in the garden. Miserable. Bloody. Sod. How long can she wallow like this? It's been almost 3 weeks.

Mine was like this anyway. I know not getting any exercise is making him worse but he won’t do anything I say and threatening the tech seems too awful as it’s all they have