Teenagers at home

[azaleanth90]

This is obviously a really hard time for them. I have a 14 year old and while he mostly does his school work, he flatly refuses any other engagement with routines, family time, cooking, or going for a walk/whatever. (We've been at home for a week) I feel some structure is really important for mental health as otherwise he will zone out on screens all day - though I know he needs that too. I see all these great ideas about developing their soft skills, exploring, reading, etc - mine will do none. He's very confrontational and determined to be in complete control of his time. What are other people with obstinate teens doing? Even the idea of leaving the house with us is unacceptable!

I've been feeling pretty good about ds14 up to now - he's kept up with school work and been quite sociable - but since going back to 'school' after Easter he's been getting progressively grumpier - every time I ask him anything I'm accused of nagging, moaning, 'having a go' even if it's a perfectly straightforward question.

A day of this culminated in a blazing row over him breaking one of the badminton rackets - it might seem insignificant but badminton in the garden has been one thing the whole family have really enjoyed doing and I just lost it a bit with his selfishness.

He took himself off on his bike for an hour and was more pleasant this evening but probably only for long enough to earn the PS4 back tomorrow. it's going to be a looooong few weeks.

16 year old ds has popped to the shops for odds & ends, then holed up in his bedroom playing online with his friend on the Xbox, came down, collected his tea & took it back to his room. He has a stash of snacks in there, I'm expecting a pile of empty wrappers & dirty pots when I can get in there

Sounds like lots of stress with people working from home, and our little releases become so precious!
I think my yr 9 is doing about one hour schoolwork per week. Luckily my year 10 is a tad more dedicated, but she is struggling with lack of feedback from school.
I’ve had massive arguments with both of them over lack of responsibility and staying up all night watching YouTube.
I have restarted a keyworker role but don’t want to send them to school, as it isn’t unsafe for them to be at home. But i’m glad to get out of the house some times!

It’s hard to peel dd out of her bedroom. She has virtual school, which is keeping her occupied. I force her out into the garden most days. But she is lonely. She watches lots of Netflix and has got into podcasts and is eating healthily. If I manage to get her out of the house for a walk she will talk. I just hope they are back after half term

This has made me feel a bit better and less of a shit mum. The Instagram mums all have routine on their home accounts. Routines, family board games, family walks, baking etc. My 3 teens are 14, 16 and nearly 18 and want to play on Xbox all day, FaceTime and sleep in. They’re also sleeping in the early hours. Routine is out the window and as I have CFS/ME, a husband working from home, lees to care for and the house I’m exhausted.

Anyone else just want to hide away with a cup of tv and a bar or chocolate ? As much as I love them I need time out. Not having me time without guilt in 6 weeks has been hard. Usually I can rest while they’re ag school, not anymore now I feel full of guilt and a crap mum comparing myself to these home instagrammers.

@Libby40 you know the answer here...stay away from instagram - none of that shit is real - I think half the time people are fooling themselves - we remember the stuff we want to remember. Take care of yourself x

@Libby40 Definitely what goes on Instagram is the inspiration not the reality. And the need for a cup of tea and chocolate in hiding is the reason I'm already half a stone heavier! I'm with you - I've learned I need my space at home when everyone else is out.

Today and yesterday day 14 is still in bed (3.45), won’t move, won’t do online work, .... husband is working from home, leaves it all up to me as per usual whether he’s here or not. Anybody else not able to shift them? Right from the start it was get him up, get work done, as long as the work is handed in we weren’t stressing too much... now it’s all gone to pot and I’m going seriously deranged with BOTH of them!!

I got a bit relaxed over Easter and am now struggling to get them motivated again. I'm barely sleeping at night so am struggling to get up and then get them up. Youngest is,still doing okay after she recovered from having to do her tests at home but she's not actually on top of her work. She seems to have piles including making a bird box which I'm afraid we won't be doing!
Eldest did some Maths today but then logged off so I guess that's it. My husband is,at home but doesn't help as he just says it's up to them if they don't do the work.

That’s exactly mines attitude a kit everything. It’s up to him, we can’t force him, we can’t make him do something he doesn’t want to do etc etc...
he drives me more insane than my son does! Yes he’s 14, yes he has to be responsible but when exactly does he think is enough? When he’s in his 20s, unemployed, no qualifications because he struggled and nobody was there to help him? It’s all maths, science, computer coding etc. not my department at all. He needs his help and he barely even looks at him never mind helping with school work

@Rocsand03. Very similar here, had a big toe yesterday and said I hate nagging, it’s a sh1t way to start the day for everyone, tomorrow it’s 9.30 you are up, or I shall ask school to have you in - apparently a couple of kids not doing online work have been called in with the key worker’s kids.

Today she was up, although still nagging, by 10 and is doing school work now. I know she’s being selective on subjects and I am starting to worry about GCSEs, but at least it’s something.

Could be worth trying.

Oh and OH leaves it all to me - obviously my job!

That’s my worry too. I wasn’t sure if they could do that, tell them to come in. We’re both seen as key workers but dh is working from home and I haven’t actually started my my new job yet. I was starting the NHS bank just when this all started kicking off and then they shut the schools so I had to stay home anyway. If I left it all to him he’d probably starve to death ..!

While I'm sorry everyone is struggling, I'm so glad to have found this thread. DS almost 15 is barely doing anything. He is completing the work set but it only takes him an hour maximum. He sometimes stays in bed all morning. He didn't leave the house at all for the first 2 weeks but is now going out most days on his scooter or walking but only because he has rediscovered Pokemon go.

He spends a lot of time on the XBox but I am reluctant to force him off of it because he is at least chatting to Friends while he is on there.

He's pleasant enough and will do a few chores if asked without too much fuss but not a chance of getting him to do anything else. No cooking, no art or hobbies.

I am at a loss. At this point, keeping him fed and getting him to get dressed are my main achievements.

@SeaViewBliss Don't worry about it - we're all in the same boat.

DS has now moved to not bothering to get up til late morning and occasionally doing a bit in an afternoon. However, his head of KS4 emailed me a couple of days ago to ask how was he doing, he's missed some deadlines for work handing in and I sent a brutally honest email back.

I said he was struggling to self motivate, that he was fairly miserable stuck in the house and not having his social network. That the only thing he really liked was his PE and football and he wasn't able to do that, obviously, which was impacting his mental health, but that trying to get him to do anything was a nightmare.

His form tutor actually phoned in the afternoon to speak to him, which was incredibly good of him. He jollied him along and spoke to him, offering help if he needed it, so DS is a bit more positive today (or at least realising that the school won't ignore the fact he's not staying on top of work).

I did say, 'you don't want to find yourself spending next year in intervention lessons at lunch/after school doing catch up work, do you?' and he grunted at me, but seems to have taken that on board.

i started a thread about GCSEs next year on the Coronavirus board, as I am starting to worry about them being able to catch up to take exams next May.

@Rocsand03 I think you should contact school, maybe not tell your son and ask their advice. If the school are open, it may help to get him refocused, if he goes in now and again. Although I know my dad friend was mortified. Apparently it was her Mum who instigated it, because she wasn’t working at home!

We’ve spent all morning recording two drama pieces for submission today, it’s a subject dd loves and has been quite fun to do together, no other work been done though!

So glad I found this thread; I started another another one about what a failure I feel with home schooling.

One dilemma I do have to deal with is asking to check DS's (15) phone/SM. He plays his cards close to his chest at the best of times but has just boasted to DH that he now has 100k followers on IG. Naturally DH has gone nuclear and jumped to conclusions that DS must be streaming live porn or similar . Haven't asked to look at DS's phone for months and don't want to start a monumental row. Enough fights during this lockdown as it is, plus he's entitled to privacy.
But we need to do a check just to make sure all is ok, right? How do I best ask DS?

100 thousand? Does he do Youtube / Tiktok? Otherwise, it could be a fake account using a modded version of Instagram I’m guessing 🤷🏾‍♂️

Actually had a nice day today. I bribed the girls to finish their homework in the morning so we could have a film afternoon with snacks. Worked really well but can't do that all the time unfortunately. Oh well weekend tomorrow and as,they finished their work today hopefully we won't have any rows or whinging tomorrow (probably will but at least it won't be about school work). I do feel sorry for them though. Not much fun being a teen at the moment.

Really pleased I found this thread. Made me cry and laugh in pretty much equal measure. So sorry you're going through Hell, but at least we're not alone. And those perfect parents with perfect teens can just get lost.
I've had a really shouty weekend and I don't do confrontation so feel horrible and tense. DD14 has now gone to her dad's which is some respite for us both.
She is glued to her mobile. Getting it off her to try to encourage some down time before bed is a real struggle. She seems to be afraid of boredom - though like many others won't do any exercise, interact, help or learn anything to relieve the boredom. Any school work done is bare minimum though she isn't learning anything from what has been set either.
Feel like saying if you want to know boredom you should visit my childhood - pre fast computers, mobiles and more than 3 channels of TV

Difference is we had never heard of them so what we entertained ourselves with was completely different to us lol

@WitchoftheBog exactly! They're complaining of being bored but not prepared to do anything about it

Like others have said I'm very glad I found this thread - was beginning to feel such a failure compared to the "perfect families" displayed on social media!

I've been having similar problems to a lot of you guys - compounded by the fact I co-parent with my ex and I can't fight them into a routine here if they're not in one at their Dads.
The school are providing plenty of school work for them to do - however we've had messages from them saying there will be no consequence for non-completion of work and no pressure - so my kids have taken that as licence not to bother!
The longer this goes on the more I worry about how their long term education will be effected. How my 15 year old is supposed to catch up for next years GCSE's I don't know.
I don't have any helpful advice to offer just glad I found a similar group of people having same struggles as me.

Checking in, folks. DS has moved to sleeping all morning and getting up to work for 2pm. Today he's managed an hour and a half and then it turned out he'd only done one subject, so a lot of that time was clearly spent gazing into space (or googling FIFA)...

Still, we are struggling on. The rest of the time he pretty much refuses to leave his room and is gaming constantly.

I’m happy if I can get mine to do one.