Thread three: holding on to the end of the rope, life in the bunker with the PoTs, where parenting a teen is adversely affecting your mental health

[Pegsinarow]

Thread one here.

Thread two here.

With thanks once more to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of two previous threads where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Special thanks also to McMen05 who has kept this thread running smoothly and welcomed and responded to many newcomers and returnees this summer

And thanks again to Godmother for our "club" name: the PoTs!

Several helpful things emerged from the previous threads. First, so many of us are experiencing the same challenges or extraordinarily similar behaviour from our teens, in all sorts of different households and circumstances, that it can't all be down to poor parenting, despite what a tiny fraction of posters tried to tell us! So, whilst acknowledging our own mistakes and less than perfect parenting, and trying to find solutions and expert guidance, we also need to try and ditch the guilt and feelings of failure.

Also , it is evident there isn't as much state help available for teens as required, CAMHS for example is very over-stretched and under-resourced.

It was suggested by some posters that distancing ourselves from the very personal remarks and being slightly less "available" can be helpful and Tarragonsauce said that picking our battles, addressing our own symptoms, keeping in mind (with reference to school non-attendance, exam failure, bf issues) that there is more than one way to skin a cat, and remembering that "this too shall pass" can be helpful strategies.

Daintytoes explained an extremely helpful model of parent-child interaction in thread one at 07/04/2019 23:O6 .

Finally, remember that people don't tend to talk about their tortuous times with their teens because of shame, weariness, bewilderment and fear of being misunderstood or judged, but trust me, you are NOT alone! So last but definitely not least, thank you to each and every contributor to the first and second thread. PoTs tend to arrive on the thread feeling quite raw and demoralised but depite their own distress, they help other parents and it's great to be able to share the angst.

Tin hats on everybody for round three!

_

And finally, here is the original letter posted by BillyBagpuss on the first thread:

Dear Parent:

This is the letter that I wish I could write.

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make senslee anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.

I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.

I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.

This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.

And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.

I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.

Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.

Love, Your Teenager

_

Paddlinglikehell - I think you will have made the right decision for your DD it will be hard but I am sure it’s the right decision.
DD had it really bad for a few months, she came off social media (her decision), I kept her close at first, then she pulled away and kind of withdraw from us, she was also pulling her hair out at one stage which was awful. She smashed up a photo frame with photos in that one of the girls gave her with photos of them all in. She was nice to and supported other girls at school who were being bullied and got to know some girls that way. She now has a small close knit group of friends, nice, quieter girls, from decent families, who aren’t nasty, aren’t in the popular clique or bothered about trying to be in it thank goodness.
Take care 💐
I think your DD will lash out at you it’s rubbish because you are a safe familiar space. My DD has been absolutely lovely today she has helped me with some Christmas shopping and Christmas wrapping what a welcome change from last week.

That’s lovely Daddylonglegs, I think if I can just get the odd day like you have today, there’s still hope. Your dd sounds like shes’s very resilient. It would probably be easier if she could have gone straight into another school and not wait.

I’m glad she found some friends, that makes all the difference.

Paddlinglikehell - your DD will get there days like today have been rare. My DD isn’t resilient more stubborn and bloody minded she, we and our relationship
have all paid a price in one way or another due to horrible girls that we thought were her friends turning on her and turning others against her while they eagerly step all over one another in their fight to step further up the pile and be popular. Their parents appear to be disinterested, oblivious and blissfully unaware of the damage their kids are inflicting on others.
Take care

Hi-I was on thread one but have name changed since then.
Things have got so much worse here. I really feel at rock bottom now with my own mental health, because the strain of living with two teenage DD's is becoming too much.

They are constantly rude and negative towards me and have started to be incredibly rude to DP now for no apparent reason other than they find him 'boring'.
I'm angry, sad, mortified by their behaviour in turn. I cry most days and I can feel myself becoming incredibly depressed. DP and I are not getting on at all well as a result.

I've spent the last month preparing for Christmas in the face of ever more entitled behaviour from them. This year is the first year I won't see them on Christmas Day until about 7pm As they will be with their Dad-and I was dreading it, but now in a small way I actually feel a bit relieved. I don't think I could cope with the tantrums if they don't get what they want.

We went on a really expensive trip for my birthday which they really wanted to go on and which they then subsequently ruined with their behaviour.

Yesterday we went to the cinema to see a film they wanted to see. DD2 has a face like thunder throughout. Dd1 fine. Got home and I asked them to make sure everything was ready for school today. Both go upstairs and then come back down for dinner and watch tv with me, dd2 still not really speaking.

Ten o clock last night dd1 comes in and says her uniform is at Dads. I ask her why she hadn't mentioned this earlier when I'd asked her to get her stuff ready. She went ballistic culminating in her screaming that she doesn't care, and telling me to fuck of out if her room. To my shame I suggested she go and stay with her Dad for a while because I can't cope with being spoken to like that.
I've had one not speaking at all all afternoon for no discernible reason, and the other being horrendous. As it turned out her infirm was here all the time, in her bag. She just hadn't bothered to look.

I haven't slept at all and I'm going to have to call in sick to work today because I can't stop crying.

I can't see a way forward with it because blow ups like this come out of nowhere but are now so frequent that I never feel like I can relax.

@MurrayTheMonk hand hold and hold onto the rope.
Just remember you are not alone.
We all here to support each other.
Even if we try to step back they follow us around to get their way.
I gave my dd 20 into her bank account last week for her phone top up and she spent it on garbage and now expects me to top it up again.
She is in middle of exams and on phone at 3am on Saturday night and last night threw a tantrum when I told her to get off at 1am she logged into her sisters hotspot.
Can I set parental control even they have data.
I told her bf had no respect for her or our family if he on the phone at that time as he has no exam today.
I also said any boy takes you down to the river knowing that is where all the teens drink and have casual sex is thinking the same she went mad but I had found a condom in her bag and a bottle of vodka about a month ago so she is no innocent.
Complete silence from her on way to school
I dread going home when she is not out as she turns something into an argument.

Thankyou mcmen.
It does help to know other people are going through similar.
I just feel so exhausted with it all.
They went to school without an argument this morning and it feels like a win. And that's sad in itself.

@MurrayTheMonk I felt very low at the end of last week due to explosive Dd. I felt like running away for Christmas. I bit the bullet it wasn’t easy and not backed up by DH I calmly read DD the riot act she was grumpy at first. We both made an effort and she has been lovely this weekend and not bad tonight (fingers crossed). However, her period has started again they have been lasting two to three weeks which really takes it out of her but she made me cancel a doctors appointment to discuss the pill so will have to cross my fingers and hope for the best. I am back at work on Wednesday but being menopausal myself, working, running a house, sorting Christmas, coping with DS stressing about his mocks, looking after elderly parents and coping with her moods it is really not easy. Take care

She messaged yesterday from school to say that she was sorry and that she loved me and was a bit better last night. It's very rare for her to apologise so I think she realised she had gone a bit too far, even for her this time.
I was pleased she apologised without being told to, but Im fairly sure it went be long before the next outburst so I'm not getting my hopes up for prolonged peace in the house. Feel a bit brighter today but I've really got to stop letting her moods affect me as they do. It will help neither of us.

I'm divorced so feel very on my own with her when she is going at me like that. She is similar if not worse towards her Dad so at least it's not solely directed at me I suppose.

She is on the pill for similarly long/irregular periods. I was hoping it would improve her moods but it doesn't seem to have (unless she would be even worse without maybe?).

I've been away from ds for almost a week but need to go home today. Having the space between us has been necessary. He hasn't contacted me at all so I've not contacted him either.

Tonight we (me, him and his dad-divorced years ago) are sitting down to discuss living arrangements etc for when our house is sold. The landlord has put it on the market but not given us notice. However, I want to be out of there asap.

There will be a spare room where I'm hoping to move to but for ds to live there he must pay his way. I can't afford to carry him any longer. He's got a full time job and struggles to pay his token £20 p/w board so how will he pay half the rent and bills?

I really feel like not going back and getting a house clearance firm in but I have a giant knot in my stomach about what my son would do or where he'd go. I can't live like this.

Just want to say thank you for this thread and to BillyBagpus for the insightful letter at the beginning. It helped me immensely to cope with DD1 this morning. It made me see that maybe she is trying to find out if she can rely on my love through tough times. And she can. I found a strength I didn't know I had. Thank you all.
Courage all.

How’s the xmas stress going? Ds and I have had screaming rows already and he’s sworn not to give me ‘even a xmas card’. Meanwhile his phone use is up at 10-12 hours a day.

@Aramox, I just keep busy and out of her way as much as possible, because she’s not with me at Christmas, she’s going to her dad’s. So I don’t crumble, we keep the peace.

Hi again all.
How are all your teens this Christmas eve. My ds (16) has been particularly vile lately, I really don't feel like giving him a single present this year.
He's quit his a levels at college and is now looking for a job, although he's really not making much effort. I told him I'll stop his WiFi access if he doesn't pull his finger out.
I miss the days so much when he was cute, sweet and loving.

Anyway, here's to you all at Christmas, keep holding the rope and best wishes for the new year!

Hope everyone has a happy xmas and peaceful teenager tantrum free holiday.

So here we are Christmas Eve and DD is vile absolutely vile.

Bless. I yelled at mine earlier in town. Not that it was busy or anything.
This too shall pass.

Merry Christmas PoTs 🎄Wishing you all a peaceful day tomorrow

I was really struggling with my mental health last Christmas as I wasn't coping with DD's nasty teenage behaviour towards me and was at breaking point. I ended up leaving the house in tears and going for a 13 mile walk round the local nature reserve. No Christmas dinner for me 😕 Aiming for better this year. So far so good 🤞

Good luck all. Though a 13 mile walk sounds bliss. Ds was absolutely foul at times yesterday, then refused to go to bed- whilst still expecting a stocking to appear magically! - hoping he’s got it all out of his system!

Have been browsing for ages in search of parents coping with teenagers like mine but today are my first posts. My son is 16 and I am finding him extremely challenging. He argues over everything, doesn't do anything apart from play his PS4 or act horribly towards us both. He shouts and swears at the PS4 when he loses or smashes a hole in his desk. If we challenge him on his behaviour or restrict his PS4 usage we get an earful from him or if I'm at home alone with him he might push me or spit at me. To be honest I can't think of a single redeeming quality at the moment as he's only nice when he wants something. Sick of walking on eggshells around him... I dread coming home from work. I must be the most awful mother but I've seriously had enough

Oh @Stressedout81 you sound like you need a reset! How long has it been like this and do you think it is PS related? Could you try removing it until he agrees to a family meeting, and discuss some basic rules of respect? When mine was like this I tried to focus on changing just one thing. I let him get away with being very rude and I do regret that but he has improved. Playstation rage was intense but soon passed- he needed to learn to deal with it himself (and I learned not to talk to him straight after gaming! Which I still think is mad). I am sure that at heart he wants things to be better but he is probably also getting something from the fighting- asserting himself. Maybe you or he can find a way he can do that less painfully.

Ps I told mine that I would ask for police or neighbours help if he ever used or threatened violence again. It worked.

Hope everyone had a bit off peace over xmas.
My dd1 spent most of it in her bedroom when she was at home.
Shes out tonight went down to the river I had ban her from. I told her i was on my way down as she swore she wasn't there.
I just turned my data off didn't go but she thought i did so she left it. She was snappIng dd2 age 14 tell me when mum and dad get home the craft I always have to be a step ahead.
She recorded me before she left telling her the places not to go. There is a lot of underage drinking and drugs at the river.
I do let her have a drink if she is going to as party.
I had told her if you go to river you are not going out on new years eve do I let her go or not. She swears she wasn't down but her map is shown me she was.
If I don't let her there will be a massive argument threats to run away and kill herself.
She does always come home safe.

New Year’s Eve is such a worry, don’t know the answer to your question @mcmen05; I suppose in my case I am trying to avoid banning things as I can’t enforce it. I was out tonight stalking my DS as he left the house, didn’t say where, and didn’t put location on. So I found him and talked to him, he then put location on for a bit bit then turned it off later. I think he doesn’t want to be traced - not just by me but by others. He is keen to go out NYE but not to tell me where or who with. I hate that as I can’t relax when I have no idea where he is; it’s just not right. He doesn’t seem to get it.

Xmas was ok actually, his cousin stayed, she was even more OTT in her behaviour, DS was able to take a step back and look like he was being reasonable!

I have also been threatening the police; my targeted youth support person told me to call them (non emergency number if he threatened me, attacked me or left home without permission at night). Haven’t done it yet but need to pluck up courage as he will not believe I am serious .

@Fleetheart I feel your pain off anxiety they just want to be out all the time.
My dh was driving around for 20 mins looking for her last night. The bf walked her to car which was a first and said he would walk to meet her after work today it's about 2km from his house. I am very tempted to park outside her work and see. Or will she head off walking on her own and meet half way.