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Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

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Pegsinarow Mon 25-Mar-19 14:32:28

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

nakedscientist Sat 11-May-19 10:26:23

Hello PoTs!

So, things have been OK for me. I have a few updates. I posted about DS (17) and DD (23) physically fighting. We then staged a communication intervention which worked tosome extent and from ignoring eachother and ruining mothers day, they actually talk a bit now.

DD (23) has said she is moving out now in just over a month and I feel very very guilty that she will be paying all that rent when she could live at home ( she's a PhD student on a modest stipend) and sad at the end of an era

DD2 (19) is at uni, she'll be back next week though! She's just split from her 2 year relationship
so she's super sad.

DS (17) , now, he had an evening with his friends two weeks ago which was a nightmare. I went down at one point to tell them not to smoke weed in the house (!) and then I went down ( about 3 am) to find them missing, butall their phones all left on the sofas, a faint smell of weed but about 40 NOs canisters plus balloons on the floor. I gathered them all up and binned them including the full ones, and got rid of the empty cans. I was furious and also terrified that DD1 would get involved and go mad ( but actually, I think she was out). I went down again at 4 ish and told them, nicely, that that was enough and to go and they did, ( not DS obvs!)

DS claims that NOs is " cool, it's calm, don't worry, everyone's does it" what do you PoTs think? I also hate that smelly weed and go on and on about it being brain damaging at their age....

Bank holiday Monday: my DSis and I took the two youngest out to Kew for the day DD3 (15) and DS2 (10). The outing kicked off with a row about dressing warmly enough DD3 tiny t shirt and cropped jacket ( it was 11 Celsius!) by the time we were on the train DSis already had a headache.
Then I had a work call and chatted for a few mins, mainly saying Id catch up another day. Anyway, DD3 was sooooooo embarrassed, I was soooo loud. Everyone was looking....
Then at the station, she started on the day, DD why did we have to come here today? the weather is rubbish ME: well it's bank holiday, and we have a day off DD not sure why we're here blah blah blah eventually Me well if you like you can pop on the train home DD well, I would but if I did you'd be angry........at which point people were staring as I cried outside Kew Gardens station. I felt so small and useless and kind of washed up and past my sell by date.

Anyway we ploughed on and did have a nice day, but MY GOD TEENS they drain the life out of you!

nakedscientist Sat 11-May-19 10:35:30

Sorry about epic post!

The point is that this is my life, unedited, not all Facebooked up. Maybe it helps some of you, it certainly helps me to spill it all out.

Also, does anyone else ache, and feel so tired and get weird illnesses and odd little injuries if you do anything different? Tues day I missed an important day at work due to waking up and the room was spinning round, positional vertigo!

I feel like the strain of teens make me fall apart a bit each day, possibly being melodramatic! IDH has brought me breakfast in bed to cheer me up!

nakedscientist Sat 11-May-19 10:46:10

Blacktuesday your DD reminded me of my DD who is a young 15. She has mild anxiety and a touch of OCD. She goes mad if you suck your finger, very hygiene obsessed, is very tidy, shy and likes her guneapigs and stuffed toys.

Based on my experience, I would not force your DD to go to school events that she didn't want to attend. I think that this could cause harm rather than do her good. A lovely treat with the family, as has been suggested, sounds much nicer.

notontopofthings Sat 11-May-19 10:51:19

Hi naked I feel your pain. I think some of the DD stuff is just normal teenager pushing boundaries stuff. Sighing, eye rolling, telling us we are embarressing etc comes as standards. My DD used to quiz me on what I would be wearing to parents evenings when she was at secondary school (whatever I wore to work that day), and could I possibly do something about looking younger? I think I was being compared (unfavourably) to the yummy mums. In the end I suggested I come home and change into my gardening fleece and crocs.

Drugs however, is something that is much trickier, and which I have got wrong with DS more than I have got right. But NO seems to be everywere at the moment, I see the canisters in the street all the time. I have no answers, but I just wanted to say it is bloody hard to parent a teen with that shit going on.

Pegsinarow Sat 11-May-19 12:00:10

Hi Naked scientist Quick post because I have some sort of virus but just wanted to say you are NOT alone; I identify with so much of what you say, especially ,
"I felt so small and useless and kind of washed up and past my sell by date."
That is definitely how I feel down to a tee atm. Confidence is at rock bottom. And I have had and still have many of those symptoms you mention too, vertigo (horrible!) , aches in hip and shoulder, appalling lethargy. I don't know how much of it is menopause or teen stress. Doctor said my cortisol levels were sky high so there's definitely a stress connection. That's why it's so important we take time out for ourselves I think. Very glad to hear your dh being supportive.flowers

Sorry no advice about NO but it's another thing we should add to the expert list. Take care of yourself x

Notontopofthings (think I should nick your nn btw given the state of my house atm) . I know what you mean about yummy mummy comparisons! We are older parents and I think my DD has pretended we were her grandparents on occasion! grin @ gardening clogs and fleece for parents evening!

Waves to Lightandairy and to everyone else!

Paddy1234 Sat 11-May-19 12:13:03

God I feel all of your pain everyone. My issue is how DD16 can be perfect role model at school (talking potential head girl material) and with friends. With us she is a hurtful psychotic bitch 😢

Whattodofgs Sat 11-May-19 12:47:23

Paddy1234 thanks

It's so relentless trying to start each day anew.

Keep the lines of communication open the Social Worker tells us. In no other relationship in life would you be expected to tolerate this kind of abuse.

Today we have a major family event. Dd will only go if she can leave early to go to BF's nephews birthday.

So disappointed for my family, she just doesn't care about anyone.

Struggling to keep a brave face on today.

Fleetheart Sat 11-May-19 14:10:39

@whattodofgs I feel like my DS is just like your DD. He will never come anywhere with me. Is totally self centred and totally dismissive of me. I completely get what you day about starting every day anew. I keep trying. But literally I feel like I hate him sometimes, he is so appalling. It’s not healthy, feel like I want to escape. So many of us feel like this that I guess in some ways it’s reassuring. They won’t be like this for ever flowers Have NCd btw, was Squeegle.

WhatALearningCurve Sat 11-May-19 14:19:47

Hi, I'm really sorry to hijack the thread but I kept seeing it on the active page and today with nothing else to do, I've just been reading through it.

I'm not the parent of a teen (quite the opposite, my PFB 9 week old is currently asleep on DP next to me) but I was most definitely one of those teens.

I was never violent but I lied, I stole and I always knew best. Looking back (I'm now 31) I despise the person I I was. I caused my mum and dad so much unnecessary stress for no real discernible reason. My mum especially - on more than one occasion she told me she "loved me because I was her daughter, but didn't like me one bit".

To PP who said that their children don't act the same with their fathers who work away - that's exactly why they're not the same. My mum was a stay at home mum to 6 children - my eldest sister was 16 when I was born so she literally had no respite for nearly 40 years in terms of toddlers and teenagers. She was (and still is) incredible - but she was my constant, so I knew if I exploded at her, or wound her up - she'd still be there tomorrow to make sure I was fed and dressed. If I exploded at my dad - he might be working away for 6 weeks so I wouldn't see him and it would all be a bit more real because he could just walk away from me at my worst.

Reading through these posts I suspect my teenage years coincided with mums menopause so that wouldn't have helped, but I spent my entire childhood and teenage years being the biggest daddy's girl you'll ever find. Nowadays, I am incredibly close to my mum. I speak to her nearly every day, I live 10 mins down the road and as I'm on maternity leave I quite happily see her every few days. She keeps joking that we've turned into her and my grandma as until her death they used to spend days pottering round supermarkets and furniture stores and other casual days out. (My sisters will deny it but I think I'm a now a forerunner for her favourite 😂)

What I'm trying to say is - there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You all know your children better than they know themselves. You can see who they really are even if they can't yet. I'm not saying you have to stand for their abuse - but as long as you're there for them through the good and the bad, they will see that eventually and you will have your DC back again!

(You just might need to wait until their 18+.............)

WhatALearningCurve Sat 11-May-19 14:41:18

P.s. I think you're all doing amazingly

@TheGodmother you wrote a post weeks ago about how your DD won't let you touch her. My sister walked in to my mum having her arm round me a few years ago when I was about 22. She instantly started crying and said that she couldn't remember the last time she'd seen me let mum come near me.

I'll stop hijacking now but just wanted to say that they will grow up to be the people you envisioned them to be. This won't be your life forever

Ticklingcheese Sat 11-May-19 15:18:27

Aww, whatalearningcurve, what a nice, encouraging post, thank you 😀. Glad you came through to 'the other side', and have a loving relationship today. Don't feel you are hijacking, insight is always a good thing.

All the best to you and your little family, perhaps you should print your post, for encouragement in15+ years 😁.

Thing is, if I dig deep, I actually remember the feeling of being annoyed and frustrated with my dm especially. It was such a festering feeling bordering on rage. She didn't do anything wrong and was a lovely, easy going lady, but she got a lot of my resentment, sadly.

Perhaps you can all recall some of those feelings yourselves, it may makes things a little more understandable.

Have a lovely weekend 👋.

mcmen71 Sat 11-May-19 21:02:49

Hi all had an early start this morning dd1 was singing at the darkness into light walk at 4am. Both dd1 and 2 done a bit of study then dd1 spent 3 hours getting ready to meet bf. He messaged her in morn can you come down early on a nice day but I put my foot down and said 4pm and she didnt argue back for a change. They are going to a party later and she is stay in his house so I won't know if she drinks she said she not interested in drinking just likes to be out with friends but I probably will not sleep worrying.

billybagpuss Sun 12-May-19 06:58:42

Thank you @learningcurve. That is very helpful.

Well done @mcmen that is definite progress. Hope the singing went well.

Pegsinarow Sun 12-May-19 09:18:08

Good morning Po Ts!

What a lovely reassuring post Whatalearningcurve! In particular the bit about sahms! I seem to have been cast in the role of "wicked witch of the North" in my household, whereas DH, who travels all the time, can just be "fun Daddy". And DD is very skilled at trying to come between us and playing us off against one another!

Hello Paddy. Huge sympathies. Same here. I think the efforts required to maintain being the perfect role model at school, all get unleashed on us at home.
It's very hard to handle.

How did your family event go yesterday Whattodofgs? I hate being in the situation where I am forced to "beg" DD to grace us with her presence, when frankly, in any sane world, it would be the very least thing she could do to make up for all the stress she is creating currently.

NC noted Feetheart I very much recognise that feeling of wanting to escape. It sounds a terrible thing to say, and I would only admit it here, but sometimes my heart actually sinks at 4pm and I can hear dd's key in the front door. sad Not every time by any means, but when I know she is likely to "unleash".

Ticklingcheese and Whatalearningcurve my mother was rather a difficult person (not just me that thinks this!) who had had quite a tough upbringing herself. She used to treat me and my siblings with the same level of strictness and suspicion that would be appropriate for someone working in a borstal frankly! Apart from Christmas and Easter, it was all rules and not much warmth, when in hindsight we were all quite well behaved DC with no major issues. I do remember resenting her hugely and terrible rows. Our relationship did improve a lot latterly but never quite recovered. I was determined not to have the same relationship with dd, made so many positive efforts to start each day afresh, to be kind, not to domineer, not to shout, to involve her in major decisions etc etc. This is why I am so gob-smacked that she seems so resentful, because her upbringing has been sweetness and light compared to mine. I don't understand it. confused

Well done McMen for staying strong and congrats to your dd1 for singing for such a good cause.

Waves to Billy and to everyone else!

Staywithmemyblood Sun 12-May-19 11:44:49

Hello PoTs!

Sorry I haven't posted much lately, but YY to the thread continuing. You lot are what's keeping me (almost!) sane, helping me feel less alone and keeping me hopeful for a post-teen future flowers smile

We've had a week from hell with DD. Stupid, irresponsible decisions, with complete lack of self-care. It's like she just does whatever she likes, unloads it all to me, expects me to 'fix' it all for her, then resents me when that's not possible, and has no appreciation for what I can do for her sad

Honestly, I've been so calm and supportive to her, but inside I'm fucking raging, especially with her shitty attitude to me angry Sorry for the sweary outburst, but that rope is hard to hold on to atm.

And yes, I know it's good she can tell me what's going on with her, but bloody hell, it's taking its toll on me. Tin hat on, gin on standby! Nakedscientist I don't think you were being melodramatic at all with I feel like the strain of teens make me fall apart a bit each day - unfortunately so relatable sad Sending hugs also re your Kew Gardens outing flowers

Waves and hugs to everyone else. Hope those with teens sitting exams are hanging on in there. Pegs hope you are feeling better today brew cake flowers

vjg13 Sun 12-May-19 18:12:08

I think I'm on about day 4 of the 'silent treatment' although there was a small breakthrough when she shouted to tell me that I had bought the wrong water and the label couldn't be removed for her exam! Somehow I did remove the label and showed her the bare bottle in a proud mother moment!

Pegs, I had a life long awful relationship with my adoptive mother and would be devastated to replicate it with my daughters. I probably don't get my 16 year old's current attitude because my teenage years were much harder in many ways.

Anyway good luck to all fellow GCSE parents, the end will be in sight before we know it.

LightandAiry Sun 12-May-19 22:53:45

Nakedscientist we were at Kew Gardens the day before you....my dd age 14 was like a walking misery all day, wanted to sit in the car, pushed me off a path, then turned the waterworks on....I just told her to pull herself together at this point and tie her shoelaces up! I feel your pain.

The final straw today was putting her dirty feet on the coffee table. She is quite a young 14 in that she has no interest in going out/boys yet but lordy I do have to pick my battles!

vjg I hope the silent treatment doesnt last much longer, this time last year ds was going through GCSEs, we had screaming ab dabs at times. The end is in sight as you say.

Staywithme I hope you have a better week flowers

Everyone else hope your week goes well

Cccc123 Sun 12-May-19 23:30:37

Hi, can I join in ths thread I came on to start a thread but this title says it all. Yes my mental health is being affected by my oldest who's 19. Smoking weed all day and night in the house and refuses to even open up his window. Abusive to me verbally and will throw stuff at me. Smashes things up in the house. Constantly tells me and is starting to make me believe that I have a personality disorder. He steals from all of us, and torments his younger siblings. I cant take it anymore, I'm a single parent to 4 children. I know my other kids worry about me and the way he treats me and they shouldn't have to worry like this. My daughter is now showing signs of depression. The social worker is no help. I just can't do it anymore.

Xeroxarama Mon 13-May-19 05:17:21

I’m so sorry to hear that @cccc123, it sounds impossible. How long have things been this way? Would you consider threatening him with moving out? Is he at college?

notontopofthings Mon 13-May-19 05:46:13

Hi CCCC I feel your pain. Weed is tied in with so much of DS's behaviour as well.

Is his dad around to help? If not, how does he respond to tightening the boundaries around his behaviour?

I wonder if the personality disorder is him projecting, and it's actually something he thinks he has?

Pegsinarow Mon 13-May-19 06:57:39

Good morning everyone and a special hello to all Po Ts whose teens have GCSEs or other exams starting this morning and good luck to the teens themselves of course 🍀🍀🍀

Welcome to the thread Cccc123. Sorry to hear about your ds. It all sounds intolerable. Is it possible to ask for a different social worker or in involve the police ? (Sorry if these are stupid question; not sure how system works.) Please feel free to vent on here.

Staywithmemyblood and Lightandairy sorry your dds are causing such stress, same here to the thoughtlessness. My DD kicks off for such a variety of reasons and all the incidents add up to weigh on you somehow.

vjg13 that sounds so very hard wrt your adoptive mother flowers. Our teens don't realize how lucky they are sometimes.

Waves to Notontopofthings and Xeroxorama and to everyone else.

I am this moment being harangued for not putting tights away where Miss Bustle Britches can find them (apparently) and not buying the right food for her packed lunch and apparently I've hidden her shoes too, so I'd better go. Oh the joys of unpaid serfdom.

billybagpuss Mon 13-May-19 07:55:10

Morning all

@pegs please can you start another thread we only have 3 messages left and it would be good to have the link for the new one. Thank you so much for starting it in the first place I am in a very different place than I was at the beginning at its down to everyone here and not feeling so much like it’s just me, that everyone else copes just fine.

@cccc that was the thing that annoyed me the most, I’d go weeks doing everything my self, taking all the crap and every time I blew and started effectively standing up for myself I was the one who needed to see a go for depression. No I need everyone else to bloody well sort themselves out. What is he doing at the moment does he work etc?

Stay strong

Pegsinarow Mon 13-May-19 08:03:06

Oops sorry, thank heavens you are "on it" Billybagpuss ; that last 30 posts or so went very quickly indeed and I missed it completely. Starting new thread now. Back shortly to post new thread link.

mcmen71 Mon 13-May-19 08:38:26

Thanks @pegs looking forward to the new link.
It has really helped me step back and there is less arguing when I don't act like a child. I still have a few but nothing like it was at start of this thread. Good luck to all exam students and their parents.

Pegsinarow Mon 13-May-19 08:39:08

gin gin gin gin gin gin gin gin gin gin

New thread here!

gin gin gin gin gin gin gin gin gin gin

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