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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS14 having sex

214 replies

Miraclemumtobe · 05/05/2019 21:57

I could do with some outside perspective on this....

About a month ago I found out DS14 is having sex with his girlfriend, also 14. I discovered this whilst checking his phone (he is aware I periodically check) as she said her period was late!!
Cue massive panic but after I calmed down we had a frank discussion about being too young as well as using protection.

This has fallen on deaf ears as she had another pregnancy scare this month, thankfully just a scare, and I'm torn as to whether I should have a chat with her parents about what's going on.

They are aware they are alone together in their house on odd occasions that I knew about as I stupidly trusted themselves to behave.

I obviously can't stop them from seeing each other but is it my place to let her parents know?
I don't know the parents that well but I do have her dads number for emergency contact.
Her grandmother knows as after this last pregnancy scare she confided in her & she bought her a test.

What do I do??

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 16:44

Your teenagers seriously don't go to their friend's houses? Or out shopping? Or playing football? Ever?

ShesABelter · 06/05/2019 16:46

I have a fourteen year old girl and would want to know in that situation to get her contraception and have a good chat which they she clearly needs about safe sex.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 16:50

ShesABelter argh I only just got that song out of my head after GBX on Friday 😂

I'll be singing it for days now!

SunshineCake · 06/05/2019 16:59

I have a bad feeling about this, Op. Are you more comfortably off than her parents?

youarenotkiddingme · 06/05/2019 17:26

Child goes to school. You know where they are. Child bunks school and has sex in a public place.

Child boards bus to school. Goes somewhere else and has sex.

Child goes to club. But sneaks off to have sex.

You may think you know where they are and they may tell you they are where they should be. By that doesn't mean they are there.

I totally agree that you can have rules and boundaries but if you shut all the doors in their face you just have them trying to escape through a window.

It's best to advise and monitor and be there if and when it goes wrong and feel confident you know what they are doing, where and with whom than not know at all.

millimat · 06/05/2019 17:27

I can see both sides but if it were my child is like to think that they could confide in me. Banning them from seeing each other is only going to stop that and tempt going behind your back. I think you did the right thing.

cottonwoolmouth · 06/05/2019 17:29

I’d drop them off and pick up or o would ask some one else to.

There would be no clubs

They are 14. If you can’t manage a 14 year old maybe you need parenting classes.

I was having sex at 14, pregnant at 15. I wish my parents would have been more strict with me.

ANiceLuxury · 06/05/2019 18:46

When i was in my teens and me and my ds had boyfriends etc my mum said we weren't allowed to live at hers with a baby. She made it very clear she would not support us if we were to become pregnant.

We would have to move out and be fully responsible for the child in every way. No financial help from her nothing.

We were scared shitless of becoming pregnant as we knew life would be really hard.

If kids know their parents will bail them out if a pregnancy happens then they wont be as careful.

youarenotkiddingme · 06/05/2019 18:50

Nice my mum said that to me too. So I avoided getting involved in boys for a long time. Totally agree that kids need the hard facts and reality but sometimes it isn't received how it's delivered! (Iyswim?)

I guess what's right for one isn't right for another and we have to trust OP knows her son best.

Original poster
Miraclemumtobe · 06/05/2019 19:25

No I don't think I need parenting classes just because I have a different view from you...how rude!!

My parenting is formed on experience based on my childhood, learning each & every day and knowing my child.

It may not be the 'right' way but it's my way. Same as everybody has a right to do things their own way.

OP posts:
mcmen71 · 06/05/2019 21:16

Miraclemumtobe I think you handled this situation very well no matter what you would have done some posters would complain. I have told my nearly 16 year old never to have unprotectected sex. And if she gets in the situation to let me know so I can help her and advise her if we come down to hard I think you can push them more into it. Luckily my dd is not at that stage with her bf yet but Im sure it will come to that and I want her to feel she can come talk to me because if i insist on say no and she does it anyway she may not tell me. She does spend alot of time with her bf and I just have to trust her.

Littlechocola · 06/05/2019 21:30

I think you handled it perfectly.
I would want to be like you in the same situation but know I would lose it and ruin everything.
Hats off to you op

EvaHarknessRose · 06/05/2019 21:30

I wonder if you could access one of those ‘babies’ / dolls and get him to see what the reality of becoming a father is. Also, refocus him onto goals and interests, it sounds like they have got too serious too soon.
Sex wise, can you or a male mentor suggest non penetrative sex.

Original poster
Miraclemumtobe · 06/05/2019 21:47

Thank you, the odd comment has rattled me but it's to be expected in this environment I suppose.

A pretend baby isn't needed, I also have a 7 teething month old Grin he has witnessed many crying episodes over the last 7 months.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 06/05/2019 21:58

I think you need to hand your tetchy, teething 7 month old to your DS while you go and have a good, long soak in the bath, OP.

differentnameforthis · 07/05/2019 09:56

@youarenotkiddingme - I'm a total believer in that some point we have to trust our dcs to make the right choices.

14
2 pregnancy "scares"

I think that the trust has all but fucked off, don't you?

Charliegirl1975 · 10/05/2019 11:46

I hope the OP doesn’t mind me hijacking this post but I’d be grateful for any thoughts on my similar situation. My daughter is 14 and I recently found out she is having sex with her boyfriend (relationship has been on and off for 15 months). I have put her on the pill for safety. I do not approve of them having sex, the relationship nor of him. She knows this. I have in the past 3 times told her to end the relationship but she keeps going back to him. Should I tell his mum they are in a sexual relationship? They do not spend any alone time in my house, he is not welcome here. His mum is single who works long hours, her other son’s (not at home) girlfriend has recently become pregnant (19). Im not sure what I would gain from telling her but I would want to know if it was my son. We haven’t spoken / made contact before.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 10/05/2019 12:34

Charliegirl1975 I'd tell the Mum, for the same reasons as I said to OP I'd do things the way she's done them. Hope it goes well.

Cantthinknc · 10/05/2019 13:24

I knew a girl at school who was pregnant at 15 and honestly bragged about pretending to take the pill, her mum made her take it in front of her every morning and she would spit it out shortly afterwards. She did it because she wanted a house and she got one Hmm

Cantthinknc · 10/05/2019 13:25

Posted to soon! I meant to add so I definitely agree with posters saying not to trust some teenagers on the pill! (Some not all)

Jaimemai · 10/05/2019 20:17

I think it is amazing that people have sex at 14. I first had sex much later

mcmen71 · 10/05/2019 21:00

jaimemai why would you think its amazing to have sex at 14 they are only kids. They should be going to cinema or hang out with friends.

DelusionalDog · 10/05/2019 22:31

@mcmen71 I think she means amazing as it shocking, not as in impressive

Jaimemai · 11/05/2019 18:54

Yes shocking.

HeartZone · 11/05/2019 19:06

I also think it is very shocking, far too young.

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