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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS14 having sex

214 replies

Miraclemumtobe · 05/05/2019 21:57

I could do with some outside perspective on this....

About a month ago I found out DS14 is having sex with his girlfriend, also 14. I discovered this whilst checking his phone (he is aware I periodically check) as she said her period was late!!
Cue massive panic but after I calmed down we had a frank discussion about being too young as well as using protection.

This has fallen on deaf ears as she had another pregnancy scare this month, thankfully just a scare, and I'm torn as to whether I should have a chat with her parents about what's going on.

They are aware they are alone together in their house on odd occasions that I knew about as I stupidly trusted themselves to behave.

I obviously can't stop them from seeing each other but is it my place to let her parents know?
I don't know the parents that well but I do have her dads number for emergency contact.
Her grandmother knows as after this last pregnancy scare she confided in her & she bought her a test.

What do I do??

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 14:18

I think she should make clear to her DS and GF that her continued support of the relationship is dependent on GF getting implant/injection/IUD and providing evidence of it, otherwise they won't have a minute alone and I mean OP sitting on the sofa watching Netflix with them and sharing the popcorn.

Both OP and the girl's parents have discussed contraception moving forward.
Are you seriously suggesting she has the right to force the girl to get the implant or the depo? That's up to her own parents.

I don't buy the idea that imposing any limits automatically creates a Romeo and Juliet situation where they begin shagging behind Tesco

I didn't say imposing any limits, I said banning them completely from contacting each other at all. Which unless teenagers have completely changed since I was one, or my own DSDs aren't being honest talking about their own friends, is exactly the situation it would cause!

Far more sensible to be open and honest and work with the other parents to make sure they're both safe!

edgeofheaven · 06/05/2019 14:43

Both OP and the girl's parents have discussed contraception moving forward.
Are you seriously suggesting she has the right to force the girl to get the implant or the depo? That's up to her own parents.

How is she forcing the girl?

"Rose, I'm imposing new rules in my house for your and DS safety. I don't feel comfortable with the two of you alone unless you have long term contraception as at 14 you are not capable of becoming parents. It's your choice to get it or not but if you don't then I can't in good conscience leave you unattended because the risk of pregnancy given your ongoing lack of responsibility is too high right now."

If you think this is "forcing" then I'm not sure you understand the meaning of the word?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 14:48

If you think this is "forcing" then I'm not sure you understand the meaning of the word?

Oh good another person who writes about their superior intelligence when someone disagreed with them, how original.

It is not for OP to police this girl's choice of contraceptive. She was right to speak to the other parents and come up with a way to keep both kids safe, but what you are talking about is telling the girl what she can and can't do with her own body over what her parents think.

Staggering.

If it was OPs DD needing contraception, I'd see your point. But it is not her child, and not her decision. She has provided appropriate contraception for her son. The girl's parents must do the same.

Nobody's saying she has to let them be alone in her house!

edgeofheaven · 06/05/2019 14:56

It is not for OP to police this girl's choice of contraceptive. She was right to speak to the other parents and come up with a way to keep both kids safe, but what you are talking about is telling the girl what she can and can't do with her own body over what her parents think.

No that's not what I'm talking about.

It's for their own safety to prevent a pregnancy. Look at the developing world for evidence that 14 year old's bodies struggle to cope with pregnancy and childbirth. They aren't 16 or 18 - 14! Jesus Christ, two pregnancy scares already, this is a fucking emergency. Pull out all stops and lock your DS in his room if you have to.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 14:59

No that's not what I'm talking about

No? So specifying which contraception and requiring proof wasn't what you said?

OP has dealt with it, and made sure that the girl's parents have too. She knows it's a fucking emergency, that's why she contacted the girl's dad!!!!

edgeofheaven · 06/05/2019 15:01

So specifying which contraception and requiring proof wasn't what you said?

If she wants to come to my house and spend time alone with my DS, yes I would require that proof of a 14 year old girl who'd been texting him that her period is late and asked her granny to buy a pregnancy test.

If she doesn't want to use the implant or whatever then she can either go on triple dates with her BF and mum or she can break up with him and find someone with less stringent requirements.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 15:04

If they were sexually active they wouldn't be getting any time alone in my house at all!

My point being that OP has done the sensible thing and has spoken to her parents. She can only control what her son uses as contraception, and what happens in her house.

The other parents have to take responsibility for their own DD, and what happens in their house.

Original poster
Miraclemumtobe · 06/05/2019 15:12

Woah hang on guys, this can get way out of control.

To clarify, they will not be given any opportunity to be on their own together. They go to school, school bus there & back and only socialise in each other's homes. If they want to go elsewhere together they will be chaperoned.

I'm going to be controlling the situation as much a is feasibility possible along with her parents.

I certainly will not be demanding/forcing she has long term contraception at my request- not my place at all and against all my personal beliefs.

We are all aware of the situation as it is & doing our best to control it for now.

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 15:13

Miraclemumtobe I don't see what else you could have done, it seems sensible to me.

youarenotkiddingme · 06/05/2019 15:50

Well handled miracle. Totally agree neither you or her parents can or have a right to place her on BC. You are providing condoms and giving the right advice.

I'm a total believer in that some point we have to trust our dcs to make the right choices. Removing it all through grounding doesn't stop them. It just delays them doing what they are going to do by months or years.

QueenOfTheEighthKingdom · 06/05/2019 15:59

I wouldn't be stocking up on condoms Hmm. I'd tell my 14 year old DS no more sex until he's at least the age of consent and in a position to handle the consequences!

boomboom1234 · 06/05/2019 15:59

Well done OP sounds like you have handled a really tricky situation perfectly. Good her parents are now involved as imagine if it was your daughter, you would want to know as the implication of pregnancy can be totally life changing for such a young girl. I hope this makes them see sense. I find it really scary how 14 year olds can already be having sex they seem way too young but maybe I am naive.

aquamarine1 · 06/05/2019 16:11

I'm absolutely staggered at the majority of people basically saying 'well you can't stop it so need to manage it'.
I'm also staggered at both sets of parents accepting a sexual relationship between two 14 year olds.

Clearly I'm completely out of touch but I'd be coming down like a tonne of bricks on this and they will wouldn't be seeing each other again and I'd want to school to put in place serious safeguarding when on the premises.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 16:13

But that's the point isn't it, you CAN'T stop it, so the best option is being sensible and using protection.

Nobody's suggesting OP should be doing a jig of delight, that's ridiculous.

What she is doing is being realistic!

aquamarine1 · 06/05/2019 16:18

Yes, you can stop it and you should. 14 is a child. Not a young adult - a child. We're talking about 'not being able to stop' children having sex here.

Whisky2014 · 06/05/2019 16:20

You definitely can stop it

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 16:21

aquamarine1 OP has taken steps to stop it happening in her house, she's spoken to the girl's parents who will do the same.

They don't socialise together outside each other's houses, and if you'd march into school and humiliate your child in that manner you really are a piece of work. You'd also guarantee that your child never, ever trusted you or confided in you again.

Which is just about the least sensible option I can think of.

aquamarine1 · 06/05/2019 16:26

I will not allow my children to have sexual relationships. The law is in my side.

aquamarine1 · 06/05/2019 16:27

Obviously I mean whilst they're still children.

youarenotkiddingme · 06/05/2019 16:31

I would love to hear how those who are saying stop it suggest you do just that?
In an ideal world of course you wouldn't have your 14yo having sex - especially when they aren't being safe and careful.

But I absolutely cannot fathom how you would prevent them from ever coming into contact unless you moved away.

Then they may just have sex with someone else.

dementedpixie · 06/05/2019 16:31

Yeah, good luck with that if they really want to do it

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 16:35

The law is in my side.

It is. Pat yourself on the back.

I don't allow mine to either. DSDs gf is not allowed to sleep in the same room when she stays here, because DSD is under 16 and her gf has just turned 16.

It doesn't mean we didn't have a sensible discussion about STIs and being under age. Neither does it mean we marched them to school and humiliated them because the law was on our side.

She confides in us, I'd like to keep it that way.

As I said above, my mother was very much of your thinking. She knew nothing of my life until the last 2 years of her own life, because humiliation and being "right" were her priority.

So I chose to be open with my children, and can express disapproval at their choices while still keeping them safe and knowing what they're up to.

aquamarine1 · 06/05/2019 16:35

Really? How would you not know where your 14 year old was? They'd be at school and then home or out at clubs. I don't have 14 year olds walking the streets/hanging about a park/alone with their girlfriend.

aquamarine1 · 06/05/2019 16:39

I really don't understand boy/girlfriends staying over when one is underage, you've completely lost me there.

And I genuinely think my family dynamic is really healthy and open with a strong sense of respect so I doubt there will be any issue of my children not confiding in me.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 16:43

I really don't understand boy/girlfriends staying over when one is underage, you've completely lost me there.

DSD and her gf live 2 hours away, so sometimes come down and stay. They've been together 2.5 years, and as I said, don't sleep in the same room or get left alone.

Micromanaging every inch of a child's life creates an obedient child, but an adult who finds it hard to make sensible decisions ime. Including me! I'd been so micromanaged that the rebellion from hell occured, because it was stifling.

Fair enough, you know your own family.

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