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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS14 having sex

214 replies

Miraclemumtobe · 05/05/2019 21:57

I could do with some outside perspective on this....

About a month ago I found out DS14 is having sex with his girlfriend, also 14. I discovered this whilst checking his phone (he is aware I periodically check) as she said her period was late!!
Cue massive panic but after I calmed down we had a frank discussion about being too young as well as using protection.

This has fallen on deaf ears as she had another pregnancy scare this month, thankfully just a scare, and I'm torn as to whether I should have a chat with her parents about what's going on.

They are aware they are alone together in their house on odd occasions that I knew about as I stupidly trusted themselves to behave.

I obviously can't stop them from seeing each other but is it my place to let her parents know?
I don't know the parents that well but I do have her dads number for emergency contact.
Her grandmother knows as after this last pregnancy scare she confided in her & she bought her a test.

What do I do??

OP posts:
cauliflowersqueeze · 06/05/2019 09:02

I can’t understand why you’re not even trying to stop them. I know you said you don’t like confrontation but it’s illegal and they are too young emotionally and physically. Surely you wouldn’t just turn a blind eye if you found out he was stealing or smoking drugs? You need to deal with this and so do the other parents. You might not be able to stop them seeing each other but you can certainly disrupt it and voice your concern and displeasure. You’ll be a granny before you’re 40 with a son with no qualifications.

stucknoue · 06/05/2019 09:18

I'm not sure you can actually stop them but she needs to either get the implant or injection (remembering to take the pill is asking for trouble) AND your ds needs to insist on condoms. Kids today haven't been exposed to the scary AIDS adverts we were, put us off sex!

ReganSomerset · 06/05/2019 09:19

@MariaNovella

Source?

MariaNovella · 06/05/2019 09:21

Multiple sources around me, press reports.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 09:22

I'm not sure you can actually stop them

For some reason this reminded me of my ex's Mum hollering "there's no closed doors in this house!" when her teenage sons and their girlfriends were upstairs! While wearing a tabard and polishing her religious ornaments Grin

In all seriousness though I agree both need to be using contraception to make sure no accidents or STIs happen. Sadly I also agree you can't make plans for every situation to stop them, so damage limitation strikes me as a best bet.

With two pregnancy scares in 2 months I'm wondering if it's deliberate? Attention or play acting maybe?

ReganSomerset · 06/05/2019 09:22

Such as...

ReganSomerset · 06/05/2019 09:24

Could be a cry for help from the girl. When a fourteen year old wants a baby it can be a sign that things are not going well for her in other areas of her life.

Original poster
Miraclemumtobe · 06/05/2019 09:30

Yes I have been foolish to think after the 1st time that a stern chat was enough to put a stop to it but as I said to DS, I can't stop you 2 having sex so please use protection.

I have reduced contact outside of school and stupidly assumed the rule of open doors at her house (the same at ours) was in place along with her parents being in the house according to DS.

This obviously has not worked. I have text her dad asking if I can pop round for a chat - no response yet.

OP posts:
millimat · 06/05/2019 09:30

Good luck op - keep us updated x

SqueakyPigs · 06/05/2019 09:33

Good luck!

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 09:36

Good luck OP, I hope the dad is on board and wants to work with you to sort this out.

Aprillygirl · 06/05/2019 09:38

You can make it very difficult for your son to see her OP. because he's a fucking child,try grounding him ffs! And stop fannying around, and tell the girl's family that they've been having unprotected sex. Jesus fucking Christ you'e the parent,stop sitting back and allowing these these kids to potentially fuck up their whole lives!

Refilona · 06/05/2019 09:44

I think you’re being very vigilant and responsible by checking his phone and her parents should only support you.
I’m sure they’re aware of what is happening if they know they spend time together in their house with closed doors. And I don’t think the kids are likely to stop having sex now that they have started, but the implant is definitely a good idea assuming they are monogamous.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 09:47

You can make it very difficult for your son to see her OP. because he's a fucking child,try grounding him ffs! And stop fannying around, and tell the girl's family that they've been having unprotected sex. Jesus fucking Christ you'e the parent,stop sitting back and allowing these these kids to potentially fuck up their whole lives!

Oh give over, as if "just saying no" is going to stop two determined teenagers. Unless you propose their parents shadowing them at school, in the lunch hall, on school grounds?

Also, the more things you forbid, the more attractive they become.

OP isn't "fannying about" she's contacted the gf's dad and is waiting for a response before she tells him.

Which personally I think is sensible.

Aprillygirl · 06/05/2019 09:53

OP should have informed the girl's parents as soon as she was aware they were having unprotected sex. I would be fuming with her if I was that girl's parents. It is the girl that would be left holding the baby let's not forget.

Aprillygirl · 06/05/2019 09:54

Oh and I should hope they are not having sex in the lunch hall Confused

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 09:57

Aprillygirl maybe they should have been as proactive as OP and then they wouldn't need to be told?

Who says anyone would be left "holding the baby"? We don't know OPs son, and I doubt she'd let him absolve himself of responsibility even if he wanted to!

Both are the same age, both have made irresponsible decisions, both have taken unecessary risks. Please let's not paint OPs son as some kind of feckless predator.

Only one parent has been on the ball enough to even know what their child is doing, and that's OP! So she's not the negligent parent here! Clearly the gf's gran hasn't said a word either!

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/05/2019 09:59

Aprillygirl that was in response to they should be banned from seeing each other. If not shadowed by parents what guarantees they'll even be in the lunch hall if they have the chance to sneak off somewhere private?

Hence, ridiculous suggestion.

LetsBreakItDown · 06/05/2019 09:59

I think telling her parents is the best idea in this whole thing. As a mother to a young girl, I would want to be the first to know if she was behaving so damn irresponsibly, so I could try and remedy the situation (and kick her arse, if need be!)
This would worry me senseless at their age OP, I really feel for you in this situation. And I hope you can get through to the two of them before Things REALLY get out of control.

ASauvignonADay · 06/05/2019 10:00

Would this be considered a safeguarding issue of it came to the attention of school authorities?
No it wouldn't, not unless there were other concerns. And actually at 14 if both consenting and no other concerns, school wouldn't necessarily inform parents, but would definitely refer to sexual health services.
It'd be a good idea to speak to school as they may have a sexual health nurse that comes into school who can advise on contraception, give condoms and discuss whether they're actually ready. Ours do a risk assessment when they meet with the teens and decide whether further support is needed.

Hotpinkangel19 · 06/05/2019 10:02

Has he replied yet OP?

ASauvignonADay · 06/05/2019 10:03

And I'm not aware of any students having sex at our school - new build schools are pretty open plan and have cameras everywhere, so there is nowhere to hide!

00100001 · 06/05/2019 10:05

she probably is resisting going to the family planning clinic because she's 14 and embarrassed about sex!
I would actually tell the school as well to be honest. Maybe they can direct tutorials/PSHE/Sex Education to that of safe sex, problems of having babies young.

Does he not have older cousins or uncles or whatever to talk to him about what a stupid fucking idiot he's being?

Aprillygirl · 06/05/2019 10:05

I am not trying to paint OP's son as a predator,though he is feckless as is his girlfriend. I am merely saying that it's the girl who will have to go through childbirth or an abortion and will be left as a young single parent if she does have a child with him.

00100001 · 06/05/2019 10:06

ASauvignonADay
And I'm not aware of any students having sex at our school - new build schools are pretty open plan and have cameras everywhere, so there is nowhere to hide!

Probably in the toilets or on the fields...

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