DS14 having sex

[Miraclemumtobe]

I could do with some outside perspective on this....

About a month ago I found out DS14 is having sex with his girlfriend, also 14. I discovered this whilst checking his phone (he is aware I periodically check) as she said her period was late!!
Cue massive panic but after I calmed down we had a frank discussion about being too young as well as using protection.

This has fallen on deaf ears as she had another pregnancy scare this month, thankfully just a scare, and I'm torn as to whether I should have a chat with her parents about what's going on.

They are aware they are alone together in their house on odd occasions that I knew about as I stupidly trusted themselves to behave.

I obviously can't stop them from seeing each other but is it my place to let her parents know?
I don't know the parents that well but I do have her dads number for emergency contact.
Her grandmother knows as after this last pregnancy scare she confided in her & she bought her a test.

What do I do??

The thing is he has seen me struggle as a lone parent, I had him at 19, and we've had plenty of chats about how education is a priority etc he's witnessed me work bloody hard to get to where I am work wise without education.

I was no saint as a teenager and it truely looks like history repeating itself which is my worst nightmare as I really do not want him or his GF going down that route.

I'd pull no punches and go in assuming they know everything. So, arrange to meet them for a chat and go down the, 'As you're probably aware, X and Y have had a couple of pregnancy scares recently, but I'm struggling to get them to take the risks seriously and wondered if you've got any ideas?'

To be fair, I'm not known for my tact...

It doesnt matter what you say, don't use that as an excuse to delay. They are both children. Tell the parents tomorrow.

Would this be considered a safeguarding issue of it came to the attention of school authorities? Maybe through the girl's friends talking? Not wanting to worry the OP further, but it's something all involved need to think about.

I'll definitely be making the call to her dad tomorrow.
I'm more than capable of having an awkward conversation but if it blows up that's where I'll come unstuck, bloody hate confrontation.

Now I'm not laying any iota of blame on the parents however they have facilitated this as much as me by agreeing to this scenario however they use the GF for babysitting younger siblings (not toddlers or anything) whilst they go out and of course I've allowed DS to be with GF on some occasions to keep he company.

Christ I should have had my f**cking eyes open to the situation!!

I'm not sure Anna, do I need to inform the school? What would that achieve other than the authorities becoming involved? Would it not make the situation worse?

Start with a preamble of something like ‘I don’t know what you know, so this may be difficult to hear...’ and tell all. Be prepared for them to be shocked and possibly be blamey of your son; while this is not ok it may be helpful to expect a bit of this and be ready not to rise to an argument, just calmly reminding them that they are equally responsible and neither taking enough responsibility. Aim for a ‘we need to agree how we are dealing with this’ approach if possible, but before you meet have your own ideas of how you want to deal with it ready to discuss, and be clear about your plan if you don’t agree with them.

Could you maybe speak to them both together before calling her parents?

No you don’t need to inform the school. They will certainly not be the only ones...

Sw would have no interest in this whatsoever, unless there was evidence of one of them being vulnerable and exploited by the other. I know they are both vulnerable by virtue of age, but it doesn’t sound like any imbalance of power.

Yeah hanks merename that's given me a starting point

Toddle, think we're past that. I genuinely don't think they'll stop or use protection so I do think I need to make her parents aware of what's going on.

We had something a bit similar a few years ago. Just say it is to the GF’s parents. At 14, they shouldn’t be left unsupervised.

Thank you all for the advice. Really did need to hear it from outsiders to give me that push.

Fingers crossed it works out amicably.

I'd call the Dad and also take them to the family planning clinic. They need condoms and implant I'd say. Supervising them will only get you so far. Avoiding pregnancy and STIs has to be your priority.

I would get the girl and your son n the same room, then tell them that since they are adult enough to have sex, without protection, they are going to be adult enough to have a conversation with her parents in front of you, about them having sex. I would screenshot your sons phone, proof that it's consensual, and off to her parents house it is!
No amount of pleading would stop the conversation, and if their daughter is there you will,be able to hear what she says. The phone being backup - undisclosed- unless you need it.
I don't envy you or your position but good luck 🤞🏻

Definitely talk to the Dad.

Does your 7 month old sleep through the night? I'd be having my son to get up with the baby and look after him for say the next 12 hours. If child 1 is unlikely to wake up then he needs to sleep in the baby's room. When baby is up for the day then have child 1 wake up and feed breakfast to the baby. Now point out that if he becomes a parent he'd be doing that every day and definitely not you. He's going to be desperate for sleep but has to stay awake. Imagine having to go to school/work after being up since 5am or whenever baby wakes. No lazing in bed on YouTube or marathon Xbox sessions. He'd be changing nappies and pretending to be positive about Peppa Pig.

I don't think you have any choice if they are left unsupervised or supervised I remember when I was 14 we'd just do it anywhere, school, his house, my house, outside, in the tower blocks .
Makes me feel sick now but at that age my mum just was half hearted and couldn't really stop it. I was lucky enough to know I didn't want a baby so took precaution but I don't think splitting them up is the right idea not breaking up the relationship but separating them from being alone etc.

Oh blimey I don't envy you - that's a tough one. (I also have a 14yo ds).

Thing is I'd be concerned that they both have plans to have a baby. As they are both consenting to unprotected sex.

And you can't really insist she has implant, depo or the pill as that has to be her decision as it's her body. And if she doesn't want to then he has to refuse if she won't let him use a condom.

I think I'd actually ask you'd ds outright if that's his plan - to father a child. Then sit and talk him through where he's going to live, what job he's planning on having, how he will do GCSEs etc.

I know sometimes my ds is totally assured of himself and his decisions and me telling him it's daft just makes him more self assured. But me talking through with him how to facilitate his plan makes him realise it is daft and it disappears.

This happened to me. But I was the mother of the girl. I phoned the boy's mum (luckily for me nice lady) and calmly said I had something personal to discuss re our kids and could I pop in?. Thought it was better to talk face to face. I didn't want her to feel I had rung up and attacked her.
Told her what my girl had told me (both kids were 14 and I was pretty devastated). She was totally against them having sex too. We felt it was illegal, they were not mature enough, and consequences could be dire.
We agreed that we wouldn't split them up but they could only see each other at our houses and no closed doors.
It fizzled out pdq after that.
But I'm glad I spoke honestly to the other mum. If the shoe had been on the other foot I'd have wanted to know.
And no, neither of us were neglectful mothers. We just had two precocious teens who wrongfooted us and we reacted responsibly, both of us together.

anita At school?!
How is that possible ?

WelshMoth - not only do 14 year old couples have consensual sex at school - 13/14 year olds have quite organized prostitution rings going on at school. This happens in lots of countries, not just the UK.

You do realise it’s illegal to have sex with a girl under 16?

A child under 16, not a girl under 16.

Both are breaking the law, as well as being ridiculously irresponsible.

So I'm with you OP, chat with her dad about it and see where you go from there.

If they consider themselves to be grown up enough to have sex, then they must be grown up enough not to take stupid and unecessary risks.

13/14 year olds have quite organized prostitution rings going on at school

Umm, I'm going to disagree with you there. That's not the norm. There's a difference between getting up to stuff behind the bike sheds (happens in most schools) and organised prostitution rings.

In fact, I'm going to amend my last post--I don't think messing around on site happens at most schools. Does happen at some though.

You might not think it happens but it is unfortunately horribly widespread.