DS14 having sex

[Miraclemumtobe]

I could do with some outside perspective on this....

About a month ago I found out DS14 is having sex with his girlfriend, also 14. I discovered this whilst checking his phone (he is aware I periodically check) as she said her period was late!!
Cue massive panic but after I calmed down we had a frank discussion about being too young as well as using protection.

This has fallen on deaf ears as she had another pregnancy scare this month, thankfully just a scare, and I'm torn as to whether I should have a chat with her parents about what's going on.

They are aware they are alone together in their house on odd occasions that I knew about as I stupidly trusted themselves to behave.

I obviously can't stop them from seeing each other but is it my place to let her parents know?
I don't know the parents that well but I do have her dads number for emergency contact.
Her grandmother knows as after this last pregnancy scare she confided in her & she bought her a test.

What do I do??

FrenchSchnoodle hence apologising to OP for the derail and stopping the argument!

Lol it doesn't hurt my feelings at all OP, I am merely pointing out that your resorting to lying and name calling whilst making out you're the better person is a little bit embarrassing.

Wow didn't expect such a response.

Firstly I appreciate all your opinions, good & bad, I don't need to justify my parenting as we are all different & I have chosen to not initially come down like a ton of bricks - my choice. This clearly hasn't worked so I've taken action and spoken to her parents.

Now they were initially very shocked however they received it very well.

We are in agreement that stopping them seeing each other will only lead to lies on them whereabouts etc but we can very closely monitor the time they spend together I.e. no alone time, only in open rooms etc

Her parents are going to look into contraception and I'll stock up on condoms.

We'll both be reiterating the severity of the situation by discussing immaturity and consequences again.

Fingers crossed this has given them both a shock and they'll think twice about it in the future.

Hopefully by us parents working together and communicating we'll appear united.

They are genuinely good kids who have got distracted from their priorities like education and namely having fun like teens should.

One good thing from my selfish perspective is they aren't solely placing blame on my DS.

I may get some sleep now I've had this weight lifted and talked things through.

I'm glad they were receptive and that you're all on the same page going forward.

Hopefully it helps the situation and means less stress for all of you!

Apologies again for the derail.

Hope you get things sorted out with her parents OP - it is such a difficult situation as you've already said, you can't physically stop them having sex but can do as much as possible to make sure there are no unwanted consequences from it.
14 is still so young & to be doing something which could result in you being tied to this person for the rest of your adult life by a child is a frightening thought. If I was the girl's parents I think I'd want to be told & to be given the opportunity to present a united front with the other parents on the best way to tackle this behaviour. Good luck!

This won't be resolved. It's clear. But ok, good luck....

Just read your update - glad you got it all sorted out with her parents - conversations like these are hard to have but generally turn out better than you thought they would!

Whiskey please go on & elaborate....

I firmly believe by banning them from seeing each other will only result in us parents losing full control as they will be deceitful about who they're with & where.

They don't meet up outside of our homes or like the cinema, Macdonalds etc I.e in the park or streets etc it just isn't what they do.

Our mistake has been mistrusting them by allowing alone time so therefore we are taking control as much as we can to minimise

Posted too soon.

Minimise the consequences.

Now I don't expect everyone to agree with this stance however respect wouldn't go amiss and I do hope there is a positive outcome whereby our children learn respect for themselves, each other and the parents.

@Langrish you are absolutely correct to point out that the girl in this scenario isn't solely responsible for conception, contraception or sexual health. The boy is indeed equally responsible - my apologies, I should have worded my comment differently.

I agree with your stance op. It's one I would have taken had I been in your position.

Her parents are going to look into contraception and I'll stock up on condoms

The girl needs to be on long term BC immediately. Is that what they mean by “look into contraception” because they have a near disaster waiting to happen otherwise. You cannot trust 14 year olds to use condoms responsibly.

The contraceptive aside from condoms is not my decision to make.

I cannot force the girl or parents to choose injection/implant over other forms.

All I can do it monitor the situation and restrict alone time and provide condoms.

If this fails then I'm left with no choice by not allowing contact at all until then I believe I'm handling the situation as best I can.

If she/they don’t do implant or IUD honestly for your DS well being I’d go straight to stopping contact. The girl’s is worrying eg cooing over your baby and being ambivalent about using contraception despite two pregnancy scares.

I’d be stopping contact now not buying condoms. Can children not be grounded anymore?

OP can only be held responsible for parenting her own son, which she has done very sensibly imo.

She's also had a sensible discussion with the girl's parents so they can parent their daughter.

Not sure what exactly she could have done differently? (Ignoring the "just tell them no and be done with it" brigade which is lovely on paper but utterly unrealistic in practice)

Thank you for the support everyone.

Of course as I have already stated not everyone is going to agree on my parenting however I'm not here to appease.

I asked for advice and perspective which I received gratefully and acted upon.

The phrase 'nothing more I can do' isn't fully appropriate and not my approach on this but my choice of actions are stated in previous updates.

Thank you again to the people who have been supportive and I do truly appreciate all responses.

I will be learning from this situation and do hope others will to.

I agree with @edgeofheaven. I don't think these were "pregnancy scares" I think they were failed attempts. At least by her.

Alongside the sex I would also be concerned if they are sharing explicit photos with each other which will cause a problem when they inevitably break up.

I agree with @edgeofheaven. I don't think these were "pregnancy scares" I think they were failed attempts. At least by her

So do I. This was me at 15

Good result op. Well done.

I think it's great you have been able to communicate with the parents and have them on side.

I just want to say though that leaving them alone in the house didn't encourage sex. When I was a teenager we weren't allowed alone in the house for this very reason. Believe me, it stopped absolutely nothing. When you are young you find a way.

Well done for having such open dialogue and you are right, banning them from each other wouldn't work either.

Thank you again to the people who have been supportive and I do truly appreciate all responses.

You're welcome And well done for doing the right thing,even if it did take you a while.

I think your are handling this well, OP. I am sorry this situation exists at all. They are both still children and sometimes they need adults to step in. Glad you and the other parents are of the same mind.

Not sure what exactly she could have done differently? (Ignoring the "just tell them no and be done with it" brigade which is lovely on paper but utterly unrealistic in practice)

I think she should make clear to her DS and GF that her continued support of the relationship is dependent on GF getting implant/injection/IUD and providing evidence of it, otherwise they won't have a minute alone and I mean OP sitting on the sofa watching Netflix with them and sharing the popcorn.

She'll either get the appropriate contraception or the spark will fizzle and they won't find the relationship so exciting anymore.

I don't buy the idea that imposing any limits automatically creates a Romeo and Juliet situation where they begin shagging behind Tesco.