Rude, massive DS (14) seems increasingly unparentable - help?

[GlumSunday]

Caveat: he's doing fine at school, he has nice friends, he's active (loads of sport), teachers and friends' parents are glowing about him. So he's not all bad by any stretch. But ...

He is unpleasant company a lot of the time at home. I give him the space he wants most of the time - the family meals I'd like aren't worth pushing for anymore because the atmosphere at the table can be so grim for everyone else. But when we do have to interact, it's more often than not coloured with sarcasm, contempt, disgust. Yesterday he told me to fuck off, and that I'm irrelevant, after I challenged him about an over-the-top Xbox-related rage fit (swearing, shouting, crashing about in his room).

I'm having a tough time with work and a few other stresses at the moment, and don't have rhino-hide skin. The way he talks to me is really starting to get to me.

I have the "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town" book - which is the one thing that makes me think this is still (just about) within the realms of normal teen arsehole-ness and he might yet become a lovely young man (we genuinely see glimmers of this).

But I feel I just can't parent him effectively anymore. He's a very very tall rugby player, broadening out, deep voice, side-burns - he started developing at nine, so has looked like a much older teen/young man for a while, and I find this complicates disciplining him. I am probably a bit scared of him, which makes me feel so weak and cross with myself.

He lives with me and parenting is down to me 99% of the time (he sees but never stays with his dad). When I call his dad to get some help with his behaviour, there's usually a suggestion I'm not handling it well enough or should have done this or he'd have done that. What he doesn't appreciate is that (a) he's still stronger than DS and (b) I have a much younger child in the house who I don't want to traumatise by inducing a man-sized tantrum from DS. (Before yesterday, DS last had one about a year ago and it was very stressful for all to be around.)

I've talked to DS and he insists nothing else is bothering him. This just seems to be our dynamic currently - and it saddens me, as we've been close in the past. I find it emotionally exhausting, and I find myself treading on eggshells around him and unable to make him do anything anymore.

Especially if you're on your own with an over-sized teen, how do you deal with endless rudeness? How do you make them get on with homework they're leaving to the last minute (or is it down to them now to mess up and deal with the consequences?)? How do you get them to do a few chores? How do you make them come off phones/consoles and get ready for bed? Or do I just give up now and let him work it out for himself? I don't want to baby him, nor turn my back and withdraw parenting he still needs (even if he doesn't realise it).

I'm finding this stage really, really hard.

Thanks.

we got DS an alarm clock in the school hols before he started at secondary to be fair he uses it and gets himself up every day at 6.15/6.30 very rarely does he sleep through it. Mind you we did the same for DD who is very lazy and keeps hiding her alarm clock.

Yes, locking handsets and controls in the car is something I do. I also remind him that I pay his phone bill and I can cancel at any time. If it comes to it, I won’t hesitate.

Well we had a disastrous morning and a horrid moment before tea but after that he decided he’d rather watch pioneer woman than play fortnite. I did a little internal jig at that I have to confess

Feel for parents trying to get teenagers up my DS is actually ok and only needs telling once but my DSD is a nightmare and you have to go in about 5 times to shout her. However when DS gets up he takes about an hour to do pretty much nothing but DSD goes into autopilot and does everything in about 5 mins 😂😂 tonight we have a stand off with the Xbox after kicking off that 3 hrs isn’t enough and all his friends think I’m mean and strict he has refused to go on it tonight out of principle as it’s not worth it - go figure!! I just give up 😆😆

Smile bet you his mates do not tell their parents how mean you are. You could say oh I am sorry will ring your mates parents to explain why I am doing this. They will all panic then lol.... three hours is very generous. Between homework and revision for GCSE`s, that will have to be whittled down.

Thank you madmum 3 hrs is ridiculously generous I think - We have actually spoken to some of his friends parents and they didn’t seem to let their kids on it all the time - I just have to stay strong eventually the insults will fade I’m sure 🤔🙈

I don't limit my son's time on the Xbox. However he's been told that if he gets less than the top two grades for effort (not achievement) at school then the xbox is banned. His school helpfully mark homework with a grade for effort and achievement so I check his effort marks online and see how it's going.

Marking place for a read later on

brizzledrizzle those effort marks are a constant source of annoyance in our house. If they have scored good rather than excellent for homework, - which means (according to the key provided) that they have mostly handed in homework on time, the dcs get really frustrated because they are never late with their homework, so they feel they deserve and excellent - I see no reason for them to lie because there are no consequences in our house for a less than excellent report, I take the report with a pinch of salt, I know they work hard - I listen to them talk about their studies at home. The thought that their leisure time would be affected by a teachers who don't seem to give much thought into filling in these reports accurately would create a lot of bad feeling, resentment and anger towards the teacher and me. I hope your dcs trust that the teachers to complete those reports accurately.

Brizzledrizzle sounds like you’ve got it sussed tbh. However I limit my DS because he doesn’t really do a lot else. He’s given up football and has no interest in literally anything. I don’t want him to be one of those fat 30 year olds who just sits in my home eating and playing in his Xbox with nothing about him because he literally would just live in cyber world if he could going to the cupboard or fridge every half an hour!! At least if he had to come off it there is a chance that after about 6 months of moaning he might find something else to replace it 😂😂 it’s very painful at the moment but I am determined to stand my ground lol

Actually, the talking to other parents is really important and I find it very helpful. With DS2, I know most of his friends parents and we have a WhatsApp group so we do run things past each other/check up on the boys. If I’m not sure about something I’ll seek their advice.

It’s hugely helpful to have this dialogue going on somewhere in the background, especially now they have started to go out-out. Gigs mainly, often parties. One of us will pick up, have them to sleep over if needs be - so we always have a handle on where they are. It’s invaluable.

Plus it limits their piss-taking behaviour as they know they just can’t get away with it.

Here here nicknames I fully support your advice it’s imperative that you know as s parent who they are ‘hanging out with’ and what homes they are staying out. We will get there although my DH has just informed me that DS has took a chunk out of our wooden floor where he sits playing his Xbox so need to tackle that later 🙈 it just never stops!!!

As he's pulling away from being "parented" you need to make sure you're preparing him for a life as an independent, responsible, kind and thoughtful young man with good social and practical skills:

Let him cook for himself and the family instead of doing it all for him; show him how to use the washing machine and how to hang out his laundry, fold etc; so that he can do it himself too which will give him a sense of achievement and how to clean his room/ bathroom as the more he can do the better husband/ partner/ housemate/ son he will become, he will appreciate what you do if he knows what is involved and the less he will take you for granted.

As you don't want to add to the numbers of misogynistic, lazy, disrespectful and rude men that you read about all the time here on MN!

My XH is one of those men you describe in your last paragraph.

His behaviour is very much like that which DS2 is currently presenting. The difference is DS2 is a child, not a 55 year old man. DS2 also has me as a mother, which means he gets pulled up on his behaviour when he treats me as his dad used to.
We’ve recently had a very long conversation about emotional manipulation. It’s a bad combination because it makes me very anxious that he has learnt this behaviour (as opposed to being a thoughtless teen learning about feelings) so I probably come down harder on DS because I am sensitive to it.

I hope your dcs trust that the teachers to complete those reports accurately.

They do, we discussed that before I told them. I will confess (but not to my DCs!) that I don't always check them; I, like you, know they work hard.

Oh and I'm not anti limiting them - I did it myself but for us it caused more problems than it solved - it just suits us not to.

I agree Prettyvase last night ds was moaning about being hungry and asking when the dinner would be ready - so I said, well you can moan and you'll still be hungry or you can help finish the dinner. We made a good team and dinner was on the table 15 mins sooner than planned. They need reminding on how to get what they want by getting involved and being helpful, rather than adding to the problem by moaning and throwing toddler tantrums.

I totally agree with all your comments teaching them to be responsible and capable adults is imperative and I do worry for their generation as so many of them have been Molly coddled including mine. He can make himself light meals but we are yet to tackle the ironing and the washing machine. Apparently we made a deal ( I don't remember - probably when he was about 10) that as long as he can do all these things by the time he turns 15 then I'm in agreement - apparently! I've just had him moan at me again that he needs more time on his Xbox but imo he has plenty of time. Oh well only another 3 years to go 🙈

I feel quite strongly that as they grow up and get more freedom and privileges they need to take on more responsibility - at the moment they are responsible for their school work - I keep a watchful eye from a distance, but I expect them to own it.
During the holidays they cook dinner once a week - from scratch. They have to contribute and imo this gives them a sense of pride and usefulness - a feeling that they can do stuff. Christmas dinner they grab a course each - decide what we'll have and either get the ingredients or give me a list. I really want my kids to feel capable of running their own lives when the need arises - so they can concentrate on the other stuff.

DS age 13-15 the worst, 16 slightly better, but still not easy. I do think they are too long at home in a way. Its fine if you live in a big house, but cramped up in a flat, hot-housed at school with few social freedoms, must be frustrating for them too. I think they are at home too long. In medaieval times the knights were sent to other knights houses at 14 to learn how to be a knight. And the lower orders were sent to their apprenticeships around the same age. They knew what they were doing!

I have really struggled with my son, and have friends in a similar position, as a previous posters says though I also understand it is a bit of a dirty secret how shitty some teenage boys are. However I have one friend who has a son she has had no problems with!!

My son is 16 now and gets himself up and ready for school, if he's late which he often is, thats his problem. He does his own washing alot of the time, keeps his room reasonable, and cooks for himself those days I can't. I got tired of the whine "there isn't anything to eeeeaaaaaattttt" , so now I give him £20 per week on Sundays to feed himself in the gaps during the week. Best thing ever! But I still have days where I just have to tell him to stay in his room its that bad.

I also thought when son was 14 I can't do this for another 4 years, I just can't. However, 2 years on we're still here and with post-GCSEs just round the corner, I can see the light some days.

Strength to all.

Do any of the boys have jobs? from 16th birthday all three of mine have had weekend, holiday jobs. We get the odd Asos delivery here. They returned to the jobs whilst at uni. in the holidays. Friends DS worked for Tesco, so he got to work in uni city as well as switching to home town in holidays. Financial independence and working in a structured way is imo. good for them.

Apparently, tonight, I am a "skanky bitch"

p.s. I also laughed at that Lutherscoat. Its is laughable, in a way! But I also think, whoa, lack of respect for mum there. But bad language seems endemic in many places these days especially with me since teenage years it feels like a losing battle.

Just wondering how your getting on with your teenage horrors?
I'm trying to get Christmas presents for mine, but he's such a massive twat at the moment, I feel like getting him sod all.
Just shouted at me, told me I was the worst parent in the world, also hates his dad and never wants to speak to him again. Just because we told him to calm down when he was shouting at his brother playing xbox.
Sometimes I fantasise about just saying 'fuck off you nob!' to him, just to see his reaction. (I never would of course)

Id remove the xbox with you for a week. Leave it at work see if that helps. Id seriously check what games he is playing too. Some games like fifa are known to make boys more aggressive and angry. Your the parent and maybe tough but at least you know hes doing well at school.
Even if yiu take the wifi router away he will still be able to use the xbix

We've been there and done that, we found that the length or strength of punishment or consequence made no difference.
We still give him consequences, but generally shorter (has the same effect)
I've mentioned this on another thread, but when he first started being disrespectful, we thought, let's nip this in the bud and come down hard. How wrong we were!
I felt we were too harsh on him and then he felt like he had nothing to lose, so didn't care how he acted.
It's been a whole learning curve, and we're still learning!

Tbh why not try telling him "to fuck off nob"? May shock him!