Rude, massive DS (14) seems increasingly unparentable - help?

[GlumSunday]

Caveat: he's doing fine at school, he has nice friends, he's active (loads of sport), teachers and friends' parents are glowing about him. So he's not all bad by any stretch. But ...

He is unpleasant company a lot of the time at home. I give him the space he wants most of the time - the family meals I'd like aren't worth pushing for anymore because the atmosphere at the table can be so grim for everyone else. But when we do have to interact, it's more often than not coloured with sarcasm, contempt, disgust. Yesterday he told me to fuck off, and that I'm irrelevant, after I challenged him about an over-the-top Xbox-related rage fit (swearing, shouting, crashing about in his room).

I'm having a tough time with work and a few other stresses at the moment, and don't have rhino-hide skin. The way he talks to me is really starting to get to me.

I have the "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town" book - which is the one thing that makes me think this is still (just about) within the realms of normal teen arsehole-ness and he might yet become a lovely young man (we genuinely see glimmers of this).

But I feel I just can't parent him effectively anymore. He's a very very tall rugby player, broadening out, deep voice, side-burns - he started developing at nine, so has looked like a much older teen/young man for a while, and I find this complicates disciplining him. I am probably a bit scared of him, which makes me feel so weak and cross with myself.

He lives with me and parenting is down to me 99% of the time (he sees but never stays with his dad). When I call his dad to get some help with his behaviour, there's usually a suggestion I'm not handling it well enough or should have done this or he'd have done that. What he doesn't appreciate is that (a) he's still stronger than DS and (b) I have a much younger child in the house who I don't want to traumatise by inducing a man-sized tantrum from DS. (Before yesterday, DS last had one about a year ago and it was very stressful for all to be around.)

I've talked to DS and he insists nothing else is bothering him. This just seems to be our dynamic currently - and it saddens me, as we've been close in the past. I find it emotionally exhausting, and I find myself treading on eggshells around him and unable to make him do anything anymore.

Especially if you're on your own with an over-sized teen, how do you deal with endless rudeness? How do you make them get on with homework they're leaving to the last minute (or is it down to them now to mess up and deal with the consequences?)? How do you get them to do a few chores? How do you make them come off phones/consoles and get ready for bed? Or do I just give up now and let him work it out for himself? I don't want to baby him, nor turn my back and withdraw parenting he still needs (even if he doesn't realise it).

I'm finding this stage really, really hard.

Thanks.

Wishing everyone a calm and drama free weekend

Mine is with his dad this weekend but we managed to squeeze in an argument before he went - over him walking the dog or rather him not bothering to walk the dog things calmed down a bit after the initial row though.. Sometimes it feels as though we have to have an argument before we can move forward at all!!

And teen girls are accused of being hormonal!

“They need the most love when they deserve it the least”.

And repeat...

And teen girls are accused of being hormonal! I think that's just sexist crap! Teens are challenging - their sex is irrelevant.

I have a 12 year old and could have written the op. Whilst he isn’t taller than me yet he is stronger and knows it. He is having an emotionally tough time at the moment and I can’t distinguish what is teen behaviour and what is anxiety/stress related but, like other posters the vitriol and aggression is all in my direction and I find that very difficult to deal with with no other adult in the house.

I think they need to hear from lookers on that their mums should not be treated in this way. Whether that's a partner or merely a friend/relative, the point is they get a reality check and it takes the heat out of their vicious circle of antagonism towards us. Also they see how the protective reaction kicks in and how this is what they should be striving to develop. It's a tricky one as we often recoil if "outsiders" chide our child, but at this age I think a sympathetic adult taking them aside and gently reading them the rules, is important.

I agree they need to know but you can achieve this yourself but you need to be disciplined - you need to control your emotions, it’s hard and it’s a practiced decipline - you can only control youself and if you can’t control yourself how do you help someone else control themselves because that is what you should be aiming for - self control not parental control.

I also have a 14 yr old DS. Like others he’s a lovely boy most of the time but he has his moments. I do find it’s better when I dont rise to the bait of the argument and just let his anger die down - he’ll go to his room and come down a different person! He tells me he hates me and I say ‘that’s a shame’.

He has certain times gaming is turned off on his PC which is when he should be doing his homework, and it turns off at a certain time of the evening too - - around 9pm) He doesn’t tend to game much in the week now but he will talk to friends through his headset which at least doesn’t disturb DD (16) and doesn’t make him scream and swear - the usual modus operandi for gaming sessions.
He def responds to boundaries, a non-shouting household (I have really tried not to shout - unless it’s to call up for dinner), and listening to what he has to say (although he’s monosyllabic a lot of the time he does occasionally tell me stuff and I try and listen and give advice).
So far we’ve had no interest in drugs and the like, minimal interest in alcohol and he’s not partying yet. He’s had friendship issues this year but seems to be coming out of that now (I knew that got him down but he never really wanted to talk about it).
He’s growing like a weed, not far off 6ft, but he is still v much a child, it’s an odd concept and one I didn’t really struggle with in terms of DD.

My God, I think you have my DS's identical twin OP!! Massive rugby playing nightmarish teen. I haven't really got any advice except to hang in there and try not to engage with the aggressive, rude, confrontational nonsense. My God, it's hard to do though - just posting as you are not alone in the struggle my friend!!! Mine lurches between keeping a lid on it and having shouty tantrums at us for "interfering" or "saying it a million tiiiiimmmmes" & thereby being SO annoying, and his favourite word "antagonistic". It's a tough time for everyone - I'm hoping when the hormones calm down, so will he. X

Perhaps you could advise op on her thread rather than advertising? This is about sharing info for all not earning money on the back of an OP's difficulties.
Us parents in the UK???!!!! If you don't recognise that as flawed communication to a UK based website,

OP would clearly like to hear from us not the other way round, taking advantage. Inappropriate rather than great understanding or communication

I was at a lecture recently by a child psychologist, and they said something about teenagers naturally being little ratbags (I paraphrase) and that is normal and to be expected (unless they are still being unreasonably little entitled shits in their 20s, then that's a Big Problem - I paraphrase, again).

Conflict also arises when the parent sees the child as not 'like' them, therefore 'wrong' - when the in reality the child is just different and not like they were/are.

My teenager is a perfect pain at times.

I have a 13 year old and some of this is getting familiar... really good thread.

Can I ask, does anyone find it helps having a dog? My DC are desperate for a dog (as is DH). I'm wondering about getting one... I remember when I was a teenager the dog was like my best friend.

I think having a dog is good in some ways but I’ve found my stroppy teens don’t do anything useful around the dog and often can’t be bothered with ddog so not great in other ways as work and stress loads for us increase. We have an amazing ddog who we love to bits but I’m not sure I’d get a dog again whilst also having high maintenance teens draining the life out of me!

I don't think I'd get a pup and I wouldn't expect the teen to take on dog caring duties - that will just lead to more frustration. BUT we have a dog and we got one because I feel he would help the teens when they were feeling low and he does - the whole family unite over the dog, it's hard to be grumpy when the dog is so gorgeous. And with annoying teens - the dog with often be the parent's best friend - dog's have the ability to improve everyone's mental health.
On balance I would say get a dog if you are prepared to look after it, don't mind the sacrifices you will make for the dog and you like dogs anyway and want one yourself but don't get one to teach your teen's responsibility - it won't happen.

I lost my control when he got a phone with data because if I were to turn the wifi off he would just use his phone instead. Any tips for me?

Decrease data amount? Have a phone amnesty where all phones go off at a set time in the evening? All phones are charged overnight in the living room?

I have a 13 year old boy and we navigate life quite well still. We do a lot of things together I watch pretty much what he wants every night we see Family Guy or something funny.
I involve him with aspects of personal life if for example I had a good day or something funny happened or somebody annoyed me.
I think we stop having fun with them because we mostly don't like what they like.
You can change the dynamic of your relationship by understanding what he needs right now.
Do you still treat him like a young child? Could you give him a job to help him see how important he can be in the house.
For example help you plan meals or budget for a holiday? Plan a car boot sale and he can keep half the money. These are only examples.
Go to the cinema just with him, take him out to a place he likes to eat.
Make him a priority, make him feel special.
I think we change the way we talk to them as soon as they develop an attitude but they need us more than ever.
I know what I'm saying sounds like a big chore or sounds expensive but trust me he needs you.
Love him even when he isn't very lovable. When was the last time you hugged him or kiss him?
I always tell my son that I need a hug.
You can change this, not easy but worth it.

Thanks for the teen/dog advice. That's what I was thinking, I will only get a dog if I'm sure I want one and can do all the work. Teen doing anything would be a bonus.

I do think school is more stressful these days than it was when I was a teen. Which leads to me having less expectations re housework/chores than I would like. E.g. in an ideal world I'd get DC to cook/help cook a lot more. But school + homework + hobbies + reasonable downtime doesn't seem to leave any time spare!

Oh crikey, I'm so bloody sorry it's taken me over a week to finally get back on this thread (which I started ). It's been an arse of a week with work and then three of us, me included, coming down with something which has had us laid up for days. DS is still ill (he's quite nice when he's ill, I've decided).

Thank you for so many empathetic, understanding posts, and some practical ideas too.

I honestly thought I was going to get a flaming for ballsing up big-time with DS - and it was such a massive relief to know that how he is/can be, and our dynamic, seem more the norm than not. Thank you.

I'm pleased to report that, without my doing anything particularly different, DS has been more reasonable/agreeable/pleasant this past week - within the realms of what I'd consider normal day-to-day teenager-ness. It seems there was something he was doing on his Xbox the weekend before last that gave him the rage to an extent that doesn't generally happen - which we've since talked through. I feel there is some learning going on, in amongst the usual grunts, sarcasm, etc.

I'm still getting over being ill and still have the last 30 or so posts to read and digest, which I'll do now (the flaming could be in there - ha!). Thank you all again for the solidarity, reassurance, ideas - it really is such a help; genuinely gave me a lift as I started to read your posts.

Hoping to be back to post again - I have questions! Could be worth keeping this thread ticking over?

I don't have a DS (thank gawd perhaps after reading this thread!) DD1 is just about to be 14 and DD2 is 12. I just wanted to chip in to the dog conversation. We don't have our own dog at the moment but I walk a very cute terrier several times a week for the Cinnamon Trust. I've found dog walking a great time for 1:1 chats with DDs. This evening I was up on the moor in a bracing wind squelching through puddles with DD1 and dog, and she really opened up to me, told me and the dog all sorts of stuff about what is going on at school. (Disclaimer: DD2 not so keen on muddy dogwalks, prefers warm dry bedroom!)

Reading all your tips thank you

I found 13-14 yrs the most challenging for ds1 so hang in there it usually improved