Rude, massive DS (14) seems increasingly unparentable - help?

[GlumSunday]

Caveat: he's doing fine at school, he has nice friends, he's active (loads of sport), teachers and friends' parents are glowing about him. So he's not all bad by any stretch. But ...

He is unpleasant company a lot of the time at home. I give him the space he wants most of the time - the family meals I'd like aren't worth pushing for anymore because the atmosphere at the table can be so grim for everyone else. But when we do have to interact, it's more often than not coloured with sarcasm, contempt, disgust. Yesterday he told me to fuck off, and that I'm irrelevant, after I challenged him about an over-the-top Xbox-related rage fit (swearing, shouting, crashing about in his room).

I'm having a tough time with work and a few other stresses at the moment, and don't have rhino-hide skin. The way he talks to me is really starting to get to me.

I have the "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town" book - which is the one thing that makes me think this is still (just about) within the realms of normal teen arsehole-ness and he might yet become a lovely young man (we genuinely see glimmers of this).

But I feel I just can't parent him effectively anymore. He's a very very tall rugby player, broadening out, deep voice, side-burns - he started developing at nine, so has looked like a much older teen/young man for a while, and I find this complicates disciplining him. I am probably a bit scared of him, which makes me feel so weak and cross with myself.

He lives with me and parenting is down to me 99% of the time (he sees but never stays with his dad). When I call his dad to get some help with his behaviour, there's usually a suggestion I'm not handling it well enough or should have done this or he'd have done that. What he doesn't appreciate is that (a) he's still stronger than DS and (b) I have a much younger child in the house who I don't want to traumatise by inducing a man-sized tantrum from DS. (Before yesterday, DS last had one about a year ago and it was very stressful for all to be around.)

I've talked to DS and he insists nothing else is bothering him. This just seems to be our dynamic currently - and it saddens me, as we've been close in the past. I find it emotionally exhausting, and I find myself treading on eggshells around him and unable to make him do anything anymore.

Especially if you're on your own with an over-sized teen, how do you deal with endless rudeness? How do you make them get on with homework they're leaving to the last minute (or is it down to them now to mess up and deal with the consequences?)? How do you get them to do a few chores? How do you make them come off phones/consoles and get ready for bed? Or do I just give up now and let him work it out for himself? I don't want to baby him, nor turn my back and withdraw parenting he still needs (even if he doesn't realise it).

I'm finding this stage really, really hard.

Thanks.

The teen book "get out of my life but first take me & Alex into town" has a good analysis of why boys need to reject their mums which is apparently wholly normal. I found this helpful to an extent but I'm already preferring the divas and door slammers book that someone recommended upthread as it feels somehow more relevant.

There's a lot of us on here isn't there! All going through similar experiences with our teens.
It would be nice to hear from people who've been through it and come out the other side.

Yes the sadness that the little boy who adored his mum has been replaced by a mum hating arsy monster is awful. But I remember reading years ago about mums saying ‘one day he was my lovely boy and the next day a horrible stranger had taken his place!’ So I remind myself of that and also that apparently it gets better. My friend had a gaming unsociable seemingly unable to speak to adults teen for years and he is now grown up and completely lovely! So I hang on to that.

What a relief it is to hear the positive outcomes of so many of your experiences. I have a 13 year old son who I feel is literally ruining my life and every spare minute I have at home. He has an Xbox one and as much as I don't want to 'exclude him from the crowd, my DH and I have limited him to 3 hours ( which he can pick currently 4pm -7pm) during the week, I don't want him spending all his time on it. He has kicked off so much, called me all the names under the son, his friends all think I'm ridiculously strict, I'm the worst mum ever, he hates me and doesn't want to live in this house anymore. Personally I think my husband and I are very easy going, our kids have internet so they can watch their tv,s and go on their phones and it all goes off at 10. To be called strict and a shit mum really upsets me. He is absolutely vile - even when the internet blips my DH and I get a nasty text from him saying ' turn the internet back on' he moans constantly about everything and shows no care or compassion to anyone or anything. He hates everyone including my parents cos they are old and don't understand him, he has no interest in anything and whenever I have any interaction with him no matter how upbeat and interested I am he will just moan that the internet is shit or why do I need to limit his Xbox time or why does the internet have to go off at 10?At 7 when it goes off at 7 he starts shouting and swearing and banging things and then he's really rude and moans all night. Last night I just lost it with him and took everything off him, I broke down and said he would have to go and live with his dad who by a court order he is not allowed to see until he's 16 but I've just had enough and don't know how much more I can take literally. He is ruining the atmosphere in our house, all the banging and swearing and arguing I just can't take anymore. Like so many of you I thought he had some sort of behavioral issue but I don't want to have him labeled if he can grow out of it. I just have to hope that eventually he will understand that this is in his best interest. I personally think he's very lucky and I don't believe that all his friends are on it all night every night and if they are it says more about the parenting to me. Right now I feel like I've created a monster and that I'm the most rubbish mum in the world 😢

You aren't a bad parent smileand. But your situation is clearly different from the run off the mill because your son is actually not allowed by court order to see his dad til 16. That tells me the court is safeguarding your son from his dad. That in turn tells me your son is likely to have issues of having been hurt by his dad or feeling he doesn't know why his dad abandoned him or rejected him or whatever. He taps into all that when he criticises you. This goes very deep.

Is there some professional help you or your son can get by counselling or whatever? You really mustnt threaten him with his dad if his dad is a problem. Equally you mustn't bear this hurt alone as it is obviously an unusually painful situation for you.

Thank you plumbuddle for your kind words. Yes it is very difficult for my son to deal with but it's not rejection far from it but that's for another thread. At what point though do you allow it to go to before it's just bad behavior I don't want him to think it's ok to behave like that regardless. Still looking at the counseling route and maybe that's the way through this. He is a very sociable lad, lots of friends and parents evenings are very positive. So at least that's something. 😀

Smileand - DS 16 - we are just coming out the other side (some days!) Feel for you it’s so hard. Walk away when he’s rude and don’t engage in conversation until he’s polite. Stick with internet time rules. Engage with him as much as possible when he’s being nice. Keep reminding yourself you’re not alone! Thoughts with you

Thank you captainoftheshipwreck I can see that I’m not alone - nice to know they come out the other side 😀👍🏻

Captain - you are so right. Ds1 (17) has been lovely for a year or so. He’s very affectionate and considerate. He gets a lot more freedom because he shows emotional maturity.

DS2 (15) has a way to go yet.

It’s a bit like the ‘terrible twos’ again. It comes from frustration I think. They want to be able to do things, but can’t process it fast enough. Along with physically growing at a fast rate, emotional
Intelligence not catching up as fast as adulthood is approaching, and THEN they want to be put socialising, drinking and raging hormones - it’s no wonder really.

We have to ride it out. 😬

I felt - very strongly - that I was handing control over, like the ship I had been steering for 15 years was now being steered by DS1. It made me feel sad, bereft even. I found it really hard.

But the flip side is seeing them turn into young adults, and it is wonderful.

Aww that's lovely and that's when you know you've done a good job and have steered them on the right path. That feels like moons away at the moment lol

That's a lovely way to put it nicknames.

Hang on in there smile - you get glimpses every so often of the people they want to be and that keeps you going. Don't be hard on yourself. Don't think everyone else has it sussed.

Yes a lot of people don't admit to this going on at home but keep it as their dirty little secret. You would be surprised.

I'll read this thread fully when I have time OP to get some more perspective, but wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Sounds similar to me quite a lot of the time . On some days its completely misery-inducing, even painful. And the stress of it is in fact affecting my mental health.

Speaking as someone nearly on the other side (18 and 17) I feel your pain. We’ve been there and it’s shit. Teenagers are awful except on MN when they are lovely and much easier than having small children —fibbers—

Ok, strike out didn’t work.

I think they need to hear from lookers on that their mums should not be treated in this way. Whether that's a partner or merely a friend/relative, the point is they get a reality check and it takes the heat out of their vicious circle of antagonism towards us

^ Yes what Plum said. I'm a single mother here. So me and DS16 been battling out for a few years on our own now . I occasionally wonder if it would be different if there was a big man around to tow the line sometimes.

Interestingly, my mother overheard me and my DS16 arguing a few weeks ago in another room. My son was relentlessly arguing with me. She went absolutely apeshit at my son, her loved grandson, something I've never seen before. How dare you speak to your mother like that - she went straight in on my behalf, something I've never seen her do in my whole life! Sometimes it takes an outsider. Of course, in my son's mind, she's wrong too .

Lightening- exactly the same experience- DM is under 5 feet and DS over 6 foot tall. Liking back she was awesome!

It's so encouraging to read these posts. My DS has calmed down slightly over the weekend about his Xbox and is now going to move the time slot. He's still moaning but not shouting and swearing and I'm still the strictest mum ever 😂😂😂 yeah right!! but we are going into a new week slightly calmer. I also hammered home about carpal tunnel syndrome and RSI so even though I'm 'chatting shit' I think he has took some of what I have said on board. Here's hoping anyway. Will definitely follow this thread I already feel solidarity and am confident in my decision to restrict his time.

I asked DH about this as he was also an overbearing 14 year old who developed early. He said there nothing you can do (sorry) and if he is a genuinly nice person then he will realise in 5 or 10 years how much of a prick he's been. (I personally wouldnt have used those exact words!) My only feelong here is that its not your fault. If it help, dh was very much as youre describing as a teenager but is the nicest person on the planet and cares a hell of a lot about other people. He constantly puts others before himself. So this isnt writting on the wall type thing. It sounds very much like a phase

Smile-you can’t be the strictest mum, I am

🤣🤣@captainoftheshipwreck @mumtoboy that's very encouraging - so pleased I found this thread it's given me so much confidence to not waiver. Let's see what this week brings. Fingers crossed for everyone 🤞🏻

DS14 has grown 6inches over the last year and everything revolves around food. He was a brilliant baby only grizzling when he was hungry and so I now apply the same rules. When he starts to get hangry I feed him. Healthy stuff for main meals and vast amounts of utter crap in between. So far so good but it’s like having an extra adult in the house.
All serious chats are done in the car travelling at over 30mpg so he can’t walk away or slam a door on me (same technique as serious chats with DH).
If I need him to go shopping with me then it’s a Macdonalds. Screen time is limited since he has no tv in his room so the Xbox is only available at limited times. Judging by other pp problems it will stay like this for another year or so.
Hormonal rages- well he has taken to rugby and plays or trains five days a week this seems to sort out the urge to punch holes in the doors and walls but we are seriously thinking about putting a punch bag in the garage.... for everyone to use!