Rude, massive DS (14) seems increasingly unparentable - help?

[GlumSunday]

Caveat: he's doing fine at school, he has nice friends, he's active (loads of sport), teachers and friends' parents are glowing about him. So he's not all bad by any stretch. But ...

He is unpleasant company a lot of the time at home. I give him the space he wants most of the time - the family meals I'd like aren't worth pushing for anymore because the atmosphere at the table can be so grim for everyone else. But when we do have to interact, it's more often than not coloured with sarcasm, contempt, disgust. Yesterday he told me to fuck off, and that I'm irrelevant, after I challenged him about an over-the-top Xbox-related rage fit (swearing, shouting, crashing about in his room).

I'm having a tough time with work and a few other stresses at the moment, and don't have rhino-hide skin. The way he talks to me is really starting to get to me.

I have the "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town" book - which is the one thing that makes me think this is still (just about) within the realms of normal teen arsehole-ness and he might yet become a lovely young man (we genuinely see glimmers of this).

But I feel I just can't parent him effectively anymore. He's a very very tall rugby player, broadening out, deep voice, side-burns - he started developing at nine, so has looked like a much older teen/young man for a while, and I find this complicates disciplining him. I am probably a bit scared of him, which makes me feel so weak and cross with myself.

He lives with me and parenting is down to me 99% of the time (he sees but never stays with his dad). When I call his dad to get some help with his behaviour, there's usually a suggestion I'm not handling it well enough or should have done this or he'd have done that. What he doesn't appreciate is that (a) he's still stronger than DS and (b) I have a much younger child in the house who I don't want to traumatise by inducing a man-sized tantrum from DS. (Before yesterday, DS last had one about a year ago and it was very stressful for all to be around.)

I've talked to DS and he insists nothing else is bothering him. This just seems to be our dynamic currently - and it saddens me, as we've been close in the past. I find it emotionally exhausting, and I find myself treading on eggshells around him and unable to make him do anything anymore.

Especially if you're on your own with an over-sized teen, how do you deal with endless rudeness? How do you make them get on with homework they're leaving to the last minute (or is it down to them now to mess up and deal with the consequences?)? How do you get them to do a few chores? How do you make them come off phones/consoles and get ready for bed? Or do I just give up now and let him work it out for himself? I don't want to baby him, nor turn my back and withdraw parenting he still needs (even if he doesn't realise it).

I'm finding this stage really, really hard.

Thanks.

Penelope, if it is an iPhone you can go into restrictions or screen time files and then put on a password which only you know. Then within that, your can deny or control access to social media, FaceTime etc or other websites even if he has data. But I agree, limit the data. And you can give chunks of data as a reward.

Just a late thought, my dd was a nightmare at 13-14, it seems to be the age for it.

How do you get them to help? My ds is home first and I can't get him to lift a finger, I ask him to wash up or feed the cat when he gets in but it's never done.

Oh yes we have this big time. I switch off WiFi til job is done. We have gradually got him to feed cat over about a year so there is light at end of tunnel. It has to be constant nagging I am afraid. You have to keep considering how they treat non family. For example when friends call by if we are not in, ours makes cups of tea for them and is a total gentleman. So you have to remember that. They behave far worse for us than they do to the rest of the world, and take comfort from that.

or example when friends call by if we are not in, ours makes cups of tea for them and is a total gentleman. So you have to remember that. They behave far worse for us than they do to the rest of the world, and take comfort from that.

Yes, totally. This is what keeps me sane. From what I get told about him the outside world thinks that he walks on water, at home he's the great white shark sneaking up on me.

Brizzle that’s a good description and true hear too.

Here! I can actually spell.

God, this is a reassuring thread. Ds has turned from the cutest child into some raging ball of hormones with a very deep voice and it's draining!

Screen time is the biggest battle we have. I can see such a direct correlation between increased screen time and bad behaviour that it's a battle I have to fight.

Yes, I think that aspect may be neurological. I used to think with my older stepson that the increased aggression after coming offscreen was to do with gaming, but my youngest now is just using the screen to create art and listen to music and even so part of withdrawing from screen time seems to be the same.

Ds has turned from the cutest child into some raging ball of hormones with a very deep voice and it's draining!

Ds's voice has broken and happened slowly so I didn't notice that much as there was none of the high one minute, low the next stuff. I only really noticed just how much it had deepened when he was on the xbox speaking to a friend whose voice hasn't broken yet; the contrast was very noticeable.

Oh god I have just blocked my son’s phone and taken away the router. He is ape shit. But he has been so rude, so disrespectful and just uncontrollable that it’s my last resort. It’s ridiculous but I am feeling quite freaked out by his reaction. Lone parent here with ex out of touch. Am I doing the right thing???

Unravelling- that is indeed extreme, but necessary. You should only have to do it once. Stick to your guns.

Mine just won’t listen. I tripped I’ve his school bag trying to navigate his room and wonders why a bag that he said he had cleared out was so big and heavy. I had a look and found his uniform (that he told me he had out in the laundry) and a wadge of screwed up class notes and homework -again - that he is supposed to our in his folders. And a million sweet wrappers.

We had so many arguments last year because he never filed any class notes, homework or handouts, and preferred to shove them (never had any dates on them) behind his wardrobe or desk (oh yes much easier that sticking them in a ring binder) so that when he had exams he had zero notes.

It’s not difficult! I’m not asking him to split the atom! Just put your laundry in the basket and make sure your school notes are tidy and complete (he has exams this term).

I would not agree that you only have to block the phone once. Teens are pushing boundaries at all times and like all children they will repeat the behaviour that you have sanctioned. The trick is to treat the phone blocking not as a personal matter over which you get angry and upset, but like a traffic cop who has predictable sanctions and consequences. Then he knows if he can't do the time, don't do the crime. But of course there will be times you have to switch off again. Keep the times limited in duration so the child has light at the end of the tunnel to work for. Also we do it in our phones with an app, so it's even more impersonal and automatic looking. If you have to physically take the phone or the router it could end up in a race or a fight which you could lose and which could potentially damage your relationship. Preserve authority with a bit of electronic distance.

This is a really useful thread. I have a terrible 14-year old teenzilla who can get pretty rude and aggressive. I find it infuriating when he goes back on agreements we've made, tries to gaslight me into thinking we've not agreed when we've agreed, lies, and does the very least he possibly can. He'll be bigger than me in about six months at his rate of growth.

Most of the arguments revolve around media - he hates doing anything other than using his phone and PS4 and will hunt for any screen at all if they are taken away from him. He loses everything - three coats and two blazers this term alone. God, it would be easy just to let him not do his homework, eat what he wants and just sit plugged into the PS4.

I've found the only thing that works is to negotiate boundaries when he is in a good mood, then remind him of said boundaries when the time comes. So, how much media do you think is reasonable, what grades do you want and how much homework does that mean, do you actually want to learn the piano?

What keeps me sane is thinking "I am building the best twenty five year old I can."

Keep remembering they are a child and still love and need you underneath the scenes. I had a moment of recognition last week when DS, asked to tidy his room, started throwing stuff around in there heavily. I felt so uncomfortable on my own in the room next door that I left the house and drove round the corner, planning to have a coffee somewhere and calm down. However what was interesting was that DS instantly started texting to try to find out why I had gone/continue his rowing. Using texts, I was able to set out what was unacceptable behaviour and demand an apology as a condition of return whilst blanking his texts which continued his agenda. It really worked and DS behaviour has greatly improved since. Guess it was a combo of removing myself, the very clear medium of simple boundaries by text message, - oh and of course the fact that I switched off all the WiFi before I left the house. LOL

Dad joke that is such a good point. And when he gets to that age you will finally be able to mortify him by revealing your brilliant mumsnet name.

plumbuddle

You are right about them still being children, and sometimes getting the hell out to calm down. He's a good kid - I just wish he was willing to allow other people to be wrong!

He can be funny, too. On Friday at school they were asking the kids in biology about methods of contraception, and he said "Have sex at night when the sperm are asleep!"

Another mum struggling here with a defiant teen.

What do u do when they just point blank refuse to go on trips/days out that you have planned.

DS has recently just started refusing to go on pre planned trips with us. We are going to harry potter studios next month, tickets already booked, and he has now decided he is not coming.

This isn't the only occasion it has happened and I don't know how to handle it. I've removed his xbox and have stepped right back in the amount of stuff I do for him (lifts to school etc) but am at a loss because I can't physically force him to do these things.

What makes it worse is he will then moan to his friends that we never do anything with him

What do u do when they just point blank refuse to go on trips/days out that you have planned.
If he had happily agreed to go at the time the tickets were bought and no refund could be obtained, I would expect him to pay for the ticket he was wasting...so I'd be limiting his pocket money until it was paid.

Thanks evaready

He doesn't really get pocket money as such, we tend to just give him the odd fiver when he's going out with friends which used to be hardly ever but has become more frequent lately. I refused to give him any money on Saturday when he went out.

It isn't just the fact he refuses to go, he's so horribly rude to us and swears at us and basically all the behaviour described on this thread including being physically aggressive at times.

My 15 year old doesn't want to go on day trips anymore, I just leave him now. It won't benefit anyone in forcing him to go.
It's usually much less stressful without him anyway.

Also, I agree with the previous poster that taking the phone away once doesn't work. Just try not to take it personally and step away from the drama, while perservering with the consequences.

Strength and 🍷 to everyone as this is a tough time!

Oh Juicy, I so sympathise. It's incredibly hurtful when you have bought tix for a treat and they reject it at the last minute. I had not thought of recouping £, but in our case the treats are often surprises to which he used to readily agree. I'm afraid the answer is stop going out with them and severely limit their options if they are dissing family or an activity teacher etc when they reject an outing. For example no £ to go elsewhere, no wifi so if they stay at home there is nothing to do. And spend your £££ on entirely adult outings, returning to the wonderful parties and nightlife that we lost when having these ingrates. DH and I do occasionally go out to local restaurant now if we don't want to cook, leaving foolish DS to eat a plate of microwaved beans at home. He actually prefers the baked beans. His loss. But it does hurt.

Everyone has a gaming pc
Most people have an Apple Watch
My friends all have [insert stupid expensive boy toy]
X gets £50 a week pocket money (yeah, right) and his parents just gave him a computer and a bike - and it’s not even his birthday!

I give up...

I think you need to try and take their reluctance to accompany you less personally....if you can. We have learnt the hard way that not discussing plans that involve the teens does not end well - no one has fun and a lot of money is wasted. I really do expect them to do something they have agreed to but they are allowed to say no at the planning stage and that will be respected, they are not allowed to casually change their minds if a better offer comes along unless we have discussed and agreed they can duck out. We expect them to treat us with respect and we have to do the same for them.

What a relief to find this thread! My DS has just turned 16 and has been an absolute PITA for the last 2 years.

He's arrogant, selfish, belligerent, entitled and passive aggressive but one of the hardest things is the way he looks at me with such complete disdain.
He was such a lovely and loving boy and I miss him😢, I just keep telling myself that it's a phase and it'll pass...I hope.