Those times when you've just utterly, utterly sick of teenagers and their apathy

[DoinItForTheKids]

Mine are driving me NUTS.

We've got a chores list - it's literally like pulling teeth. Have just had to repeat the instruction for the third time in 2 days for DS to empty the kitchen bin. So, he finally empties it. He puts a clean bin bag in. All going good so far. He then leaves the full bag tied up in the kitchen. I then have to ask him to come downstairs, take the bag out through the piece of architecture known as the 'front door', and place it into the wheelie bin. Done, but with much huffing and throwing of the front door keys on the hallway floor afterwards. DS never washes, he stinks, his room reeks (frankly, can't wait until he goes to Uni in September but have no idea how I'll fumigate the room and return it to a normal aroma because Febreeze ain't gonna cut it, how effective would napalm be...?).

DD 'feeling sick' so 'can't come down for dinner' and will 'eat later' and 'oh do you mind if I have the living room from 9pm as |I want to watch Love Island' - not too sick for that then... I've told her I'm sick of her 'eating later' and how can anyone feel that sick that often that they can't manage a bit of tea?!? You then can't clear up the kitchen and she goes down later, makes a massive mess whilst heating it up and then I have to sort that out the following morning. SICK of going into DDs room and not being able to open the effing door fully to get in there!!!!! Floordrobe in full swing, crap everywhere, glasses of festering milk from three days ago, rubbish bin full to overflowing - and this is at the same time as she's requesting a substantial makeover of her room including a new bed, new wardrobes and new flooring - who in their right mind would install the white laminate floor she wants when she spills things, grinds in eyeshadow and mascara, lets candle wax pool on the floor, periods all over her sheets and duvet, and just generally leaves a trail of utter devastation in her wake?

The problem is whilst I'm doing what I'm supposed to which is making them do this stuff because they damn well should do it, I'm bloody exhausted from having to drive them forward to do it all the time. The first week I did keep turning the WiFi router off until they appeared and did the chores but that affects me negatively as well as I can't then come on MN!!

It's the sheer levels of energy it's taking and I'm starting to feel highly, highly aggrieved at their bloody attitude.

Oh and today, DS (18) was in all day, it's a non college day. We have a Ring doorbell. Both him and his DS have been told to get the app that goes with it, she has, I don't know if he has. So I'm at work, doorbell rings. I can't do anything about it as I know he needs a signature. So I Hangouts DS. No answer. Doorbell rings again - that'll be the other parcel due today me thinks. I message him again please answer the door. He doesn't. Both parcels taken back. When he finally responds to my Hangouts message about 30 minutes later he says "Oh I only just turned my wifi back on" - BULLSHIT!!! What teen turns their WiFi off, ever?! I said to him tonight this is just normal stuff that families do for each other you know, to help each other out, you are expected to take part in these kinds of helpful acts.

I mean, can't you just be helpful already??

Any brainwaves on ways to achieve submission cos I'm literally at the point where I'm so tired but also so fed up, that I could end up throwing the Sky hub out in the trash until they actively comply without me even having to say anything (and then I'm really stuffed!).

@whattheactualbleep My girls are 15/17 and 19. It just gets worse. Had a bad today and couldn't stop the tears from leaking through. They ask 'what's wrong' I try to say it doesn't matter as it always ends up with them turning it back around, but they persisted saying 'you always say it doesn't matter but then make us tell you when we are upset.' So I told them and now 2 have stormed out and yes turned it around on me. I wish had kept my mouth shut. Apparently I make them feel like a burden when I am asked to do the 10th run around of the day and I sigh, apparently they do clean their mess, maybe not always but they do their best (rubbish) and it's never good enough for me. In truth they don't clean there mess, yes they may have a quick clean, but still leaving it looking like a war zone, but then not always.. I just wish I hadn't even bothered now. Why do they always make you feel like the one in the wrong!

Sophionaliv let them have a tantrum.
That's currently what my eldest is doing but without actually saying that's what he's doing

It makes me inwardly sad to be honest as I have supported him a lot and even more so in the last couple of months with paperwork stuff,passport forms,insurance for car that he left TIL the last minute so didn't get as good a bargain as he could have etc etc.

I think of all the little things I've also done like paid for birthday gifts from him for dh that he still hasn't paid back three weeks later and a Father's Day gift for dh that I purchased and he again was meant to pay me but yet again hasn't. Just upsets me that he's happy to take the piss out of me like that which shows no respect after all I do and did for him hence why I've put my foot down.

I no longer do his washing and have reminded him a cool of times to do it but he hasn't bothered so not even going to remind him now.

I've asked so many times not to leave my towels or dishes in his room and have now said the next time it happens food is banned upstairs altogether and il hide the towels so he gets one a week.

I'm also not prepping or cooking separate meals for him because he never likes anything I cook as it's not junk food. The times I've specifically asked if he wants a meal putting back and he says yes I find it three days later in the microwave so now I don't do it.
His look out.
They need to learn to grow up sometime. They will turn it around on you it's emotional blackmail. Don't fall for it.
The longer you allow it to carry in the more they will do it and they won't be prepared for the big world out there.

Vitamin D deficiency makes teens very lethargic. Vitamin D 1000mcg a ay improved my teens energy levels. If they don;t get out in the sunshine much in middle of the day, that may be making things worse.
Ds1 was severely vitamin d deficient and I didn;t realise despite being fine for all the other vitamins/minerals like B vits, and iron. Much better behaved bouncy and helpful now. Just off to uni this Sept. Teens often suffer from vitamin deficiencies low iron, it is just not picked up and instead we tend to assume it is behaviour and pyschological problem.

Tats interesting nettles I will look into that.

My ds diet now he's a young adult is not what I'd hope it would be because he has all junk food available at the drop of a hat.

Very interesting Nettles and worth considering especially as many teens spend much of their time indoors glued to a screen.

@Sophionaliv 10th runaround of the day -they are taking the piss! You are absolutely not in the wrong and do not let them make you feel bad.

I have one of mine on Vit D - thoroughly recommend. On a negative note I had a MAJOR rant at one of them last night. Not sure if anything went in tbh, but on a pisitive note, my 24yo came and hugged me and put my broken pieces back together, bless her. Sophi - bless your heart....I feel your pain

That must have been nice Why. I've not had a hug off my son for literally years .

Thanks guys, there is so much more to it that I have not written as didn't want to take over OP's Thread. Think I may start one with a deeper explanation and maybe can get some advice. But to be honest it has been a huge help just realising that I am not alone in this.

Sophi I think I took over the OP’s thread earlier. I’m sure she doesn’t mind. I too have found it invaluable to learn that a lot more people have similar struggles. Somehow it makes it easier to bear on those days where you feel like jumping off a cliff.

I’m very lucky to have lots of support (although I have no family) outside the home (to do with DD and my shared hobby), but I’ve found people outside the hobby are critical in so much as they say DD does not deserve the hobby that she has. (It’s expensive, time consuming and a 365 days a year one!) However, professionals have said it’s a lifeline for us and to not give it up. What we do is often used as ‘therapy’ for people with mental disorders, issues and the like. It’s my lifeline, let alone my DD’s!
So just wondering if there’s a hobby that you and your teens can share and enjoy together?

Regarding the giving of lifts - what are these for? Could you perhaps withdraw some of these favours when they’re disrespectful? I’ve pulled out of many events when DD has shown disrespect - it works sometimes, but not all the time. I guess it’s about finding out what’s important to them - finding out what motivates them. Unfortunately, it’s all about them at this age. It’s a ‘What’s in it for me?’ mindset.

OP - that’s a sad post. But it made me realise that I’d not hugged my DD for a while now - because I’m always feeling too cross with her behaviour to actually want to. So I’m going to give her a hug when she returns from school.

@DraughtyWindow Thank you for your response. I have actually started a thread in teenagers myself anyway. Bloody book I warn you!

What I haven't mentioned in it is I am more or less all alone and unsupported. All my family live 200 mile away and I would have moved back but the girls have a life here and I just cant bring myself to do that to them. Their father is as helpful as a waterproof teabag and his family who live 5 mins up the road pop in about 3 times a year (birthdays) I do have a couple of friends but they have families and working lives so may only see them once a month or so.
Your hobby sounds intriguing, The best I could do for now is, I joined a health club that has a spa pool and gym, the girls were all up for it and were happy to come with me, but I was going every day, I did not expect them to do that, but over the weeks its got less and less as they 'can't be bothered' and it may be once every week or two that they actually join me now.

With the lifts, one of their problems is having friends, so if they actually get invites I try to make sure they go, (not so much the youngest who has a good group of friends) So most of the lifts are school, college, work, but also going to the shops when they need something, medical/official appointments and social activities which I try to encourage. With the eldest she sometimes finishes work at 4am and rings me to come and get her! Once her wages are more stable I will make her get a taxi home. x

Sophi - that sounds really hard. I am also very much alone, a full time job, no family etc., but I only have one DD. I honestly can’t imagine how difficult having 3 teens would be. Especially all girls.
But I think you need to sometimes take a step back - for your own sanity. They need to understand you also have to have time for yourself. If they see you don’t respect yourself, then they will respect you even less. (Says she, full of advice that she sometimes doesn’t take herself!)

So, let them fail, let them catch the bus/train. Don’t ferry them to friends if they’ve been disrespectful to you. Why should you? If their friendships are important to them then they can jolly well buck their ideas up and help you more. I did exactly this last weekend. DD is beginning to realise she has to work for her lifts. I won’t be a doormat. It’s a battle though believe me. I have arthritis in my spine and being in chronic pain can and does dissipate your resolve. Just keep going, it’s all you can do. Take each day, otherwise it’s very easy to become overwhelmed.

The intriguing hobby has 4 legs and needs mucking out every day. But keeps DD fairly grounded as she doesn’t have time to hang around on street corners. Not that I’d encourage her to mind.

No I don't mind at all! We are trying to work our way through all sorts of stuff and if it's stressing us out then why not air it if this thread is a comfortable place to do that.

I can still get a hug in with DD now and again! DS is a bit of a funny old stick and whilst he'd cuddle with me as a child he's a very insular lad and doesn't seem to enjoy physical contact that much (although I'm determined to get one in before he goes off to Uni which will be non-optional!).

Snap here on the aloneness. No help at all either. It's really hard isn't it.

Damn horses, what's wrong with the pair of you? I used to work with them so I get it and I think that despite whatever else is going on that's negative behaviour, that joint hobby is a thread that runs between the two of you so I wouldn't stop it either unless she became TOTALLY awful! It sounds like a positive thing to be doing.

I have one positive thing to report: DS has fully caught up with all the work he'd let fall by the wayside at College thanks to a relentless pincer movement between me and his tutors. Thank you, thank you, [bows].

Now, onto Choregate.

Tues night before going off today for training all day in another city 2.5 hours away there and back, I told the kids I wanted to come home to a sparkling clean house, to use their eyes and common sense to figure out what needed doing or I'd take the Sky hub with me to the second day of training tomorrow.

Not done: vaccing (DS lied and said he'd done it, he hadn't), dishwasher, wheelie bin not put out, clothes not put away, kitchen not left tidy and clean.

I nearly started messaging to say you've not done this, you've not done that, then I thought, no why do that, because I stated it was to be done before I got back (which gave them til 7.45pm) and they hadn't done it.

Result@ The Sky hub is coming with me to London tomorrow (well, I might lock it in the boot of my car instead of humping it through 4 train and 4 tube journeys!!).

That'll have more shock factor (heh heh heh heh heh...). I'll let you know how it goes!

Go for it OP

I'll second that OP, you need to tackle this one with stuff that's going to make them sit up and take notice. Short sharp shock tactics!

DoinIt - yes, definitely put it in the boot! And take the spare set of keys with you! And don’t remind them that you’re taking it either. They can ‘go figure’, as they say.

Ponies! Ha! I couldn’t be without one. They are my saviours, they listen and don’t answer back. DD went on a hack on her own tonight and returned looking happy and peaceful. Some people just don’t ‘get it’. But as long as she gains as much enjoyment as I’ve had throughout my life with them, then I’ll happily carry on being poor.

You’ll be very tired after your training but they say a change is as good as a rest... except when you return to household carnage. Then if you’re anything like me you’ll end up giving in and doing it yourself as you can’t stand a) the arguments, b) not being able to find anything and c) being unable to look at the mess. Resolve is needed! I just threaten ‘no lifts’ - so far DD’s done the washing up every night so far without much fuss. And when she’s not made her own sandwiches, she’s gone without food all day. One day it might sink in that I’m not her skivvy. I live in hope.

We’ve had no further ‘issues’ in the hygiene dept, but saying that, she’s not been to her Dad’s and has therefore had no interaction with Miss (not so) Perfect Step Parent.

Hope all goes well tomorrow...

Ahhh yes, the step 'parent'..... what unabiding joy all of that is...

Yes glad to hear you're winning! Its not only teens who can behave like teens!

.Just remembered, DS downloaded a brand new Xbox game yesterday which I imagine he's really looking forward to playing - ahh, shame...... #evillaugh

I'm sure the air will be blue with DS, and they'll both be 'what didn't we do?!' - USE YOUR BLOODY EYES AND YOU'LL SEE! Came down to MORE mess in the living room and kitchen made by DD late last night and if I'd had any doubts about taking the Sky hub, that removed them. It's currently with me at my main train station ready for its journey to kind (well, it might as well enjoy a day out!).

I might get all my fellow course mates to take a group selfie with it, post it on Facebook....

Yes do it, do it!

That I’d absolutely brilliant, can’t wait to hear how they react. 😂

Oh god OP .. you've kind of cheered me up !! This is my life too !!

Wishing your Sky Hub a lovely restful day out

I got up to late night cookery too dd asked me if she could come to town with me so I told her to clean up her mess then legged it while she did