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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Those times when you've just utterly, utterly sick of teenagers and their apathy

220 replies

DoinItForTheKids · 04/06/2018 18:12

Mine are driving me NUTS.

We've got a chores list - it's literally like pulling teeth. Have just had to repeat the instruction for the third time in 2 days for DS to empty the kitchen bin. So, he finally empties it. He puts a clean bin bag in. All going good so far. He then leaves the full bag tied up in the kitchen. I then have to ask him to come downstairs, take the bag out through the piece of architecture known as the 'front door', and place it into the wheelie bin. Done, but with much huffing and throwing of the front door keys on the hallway floor afterwards. DS never washes, he stinks, his room reeks (frankly, can't wait until he goes to Uni in September but have no idea how I'll fumigate the room and return it to a normal aroma because Febreeze ain't gonna cut it, how effective would napalm be...?).

DD 'feeling sick' so 'can't come down for dinner' and will 'eat later' and 'oh do you mind if I have the living room from 9pm as |I want to watch Love Island' - not too sick for that then... I've told her I'm sick of her 'eating later' and how can anyone feel that sick that often that they can't manage a bit of tea?!? You then can't clear up the kitchen and she goes down later, makes a massive mess whilst heating it up and then I have to sort that out the following morning. SICK of going into DDs room and not being able to open the effing door fully to get in there!!!!! Floordrobe in full swing, crap everywhere, glasses of festering milk from three days ago, rubbish bin full to overflowing - and this is at the same time as she's requesting a substantial makeover of her room including a new bed, new wardrobes and new flooring - who in their right mind would install the white laminate floor she wants when she spills things, grinds in eyeshadow and mascara, lets candle wax pool on the floor, periods all over her sheets and duvet, and just generally leaves a trail of utter devastation in her wake?

The problem is whilst I'm doing what I'm supposed to which is making them do this stuff because they damn well should do it, I'm bloody exhausted from having to drive them forward to do it all the time. The first week I did keep turning the WiFi router off until they appeared and did the chores but that affects me negatively as well as I can't then come on MN!! Angry

It's the sheer levels of energy it's taking and I'm starting to feel highly, highly aggrieved at their bloody attitude.

Oh and today, DS (18) was in all day, it's a non college day. We have a Ring doorbell. Both him and his DS have been told to get the app that goes with it, she has, I don't know if he has. So I'm at work, doorbell rings. I can't do anything about it as I know he needs a signature. So I Hangouts DS. No answer. Doorbell rings again - that'll be the other parcel due today me thinks. I message him again please answer the door. He doesn't. Both parcels taken back. When he finally responds to my Hangouts message about 30 minutes later he says "Oh I only just turned my wifi back on" - BULLSHIT!!! What teen turns their WiFi off, ever?! I said to him tonight this is just normal stuff that families do for each other you know, to help each other out, you are expected to take part in these kinds of helpful acts.

I mean, can't you just be helpful already??

Any brainwaves on ways to achieve submission cos I'm literally at the point where I'm so tired but also so fed up, that I could end up throwing the Sky hub out in the trash until they actively comply without me even having to say anything (and then I'm really stuffed!).

OP posts:
DraughtyWindow · 09/06/2018 08:52

Gosh, there’s a lot going on isn’t there... could you use the Prom as a bargaining tool perhaps? Your DD must be a year older than mine. I keep asking other parents when will it end. The answers ranged from 18 to 25! OMG! I’ll be dead by then!
Very full weekend ahead so no time for recharging of batteries. I’m too old for all of this! (51) And I don’t drink except when I go out. (I don’t go out!)
I’ll start the contract conversation up again - maybe she’s overwhelmed and doesn’t know where to start with it. I’ll update soon. Just off to do my gardening (other) job now! Flowers

pontiouspilates · 09/06/2018 08:57

OP, I feel your pain. You could have been describing my DDs bedroom. My youngest has just turned 12 and I'm frankly exhausted at the thought of having to go through all this again! BTW: how do you change the WIFI password???

DoinItForTheKids · 09/06/2018 09:36

Running away to a remote desert island seems like a good option - if only I could afford it! Snap Draughty - I'm 51 as well Wine, Flowers, commiserations!

My garden's descended into a massively (and I mean massively) weed-filled tip, I can't even face it. I was going to have someone in to landscape it, lay artificial turf, put in a deck etc - then XH announced he's out of a job (again) so won't be paying maintenance for the foreseeable (it was 4 months last time and every time he gets the next job it's on less than he was on before!). So thought well, that's that then, can't really spend the money I've saved on such fripperies. There some frighteningly gigantic thistles out there that are SO prickly!

OP posts:
HipsterAssassin · 09/06/2018 21:32

Hi OP, my sympathies Flowers fellow LP with two teens and working FT here. I’ve been where you are. One thing I’ve found is when I am burned out and at the end of my tether they pick up on this and everything is a slog. When I look after myself and put my feet up I then regain not only some energy and humour and the ability to don my ‘talk to the hand’ face. It makes them realise they don’t have that much power over me and that I don’t care if they have to walk to the station etc. I simply breeze past and carry on.

Also I detect a hint of guilt and vulnerability over your ex (though you are clearly doing and incredible job and he is a nob) so please disabuse yourself of the notion that you need to make up for any of that fuckwittery or bend over backwards there... and know that you are totally acing it Flowers and deserve to decide sometimes to sod them all and look after you.

More power to your elbow OP.

ja75 · 09/06/2018 23:17

I have shepherded two unruly sons (and, partly, one daughter) into being adults, and my advice would be to just let it go. It's really not worth the stress. Teenagers are awful, just live with it.

Making a chores list, or making them come down for dinner every night, or any such thing, is not going to make them better adults. It's just going to annoy them as teenagers. Civilized adult behavior becomes automatically learned when they go to work, university or whatever. It has nothing to do with them living as teenagers in your house.

I say this from experience of trying to implement such things and having them completely backfire, but yet having my kids turn out perfectly fine as 20-somethings. Again, let it go, it's not worth it.

However, I would draw the line at bags of trash being dumped in the hall or things being smelly.

DoinItForTheKids · 10/06/2018 08:55

Oh thank you Hipster for your kind words. I wonder as I write this if the teenage years are nature's way of doing the reverse of the momma bear making the cub leave when he's too old to be cared for by her anymore?! The teenagers behave so appallingly you can't wait to be shot of them! They're 'evicting' themselves so to speak Hmm.

Thanks ja75. So that still leaves me with a massive battle as I've got one with a room that's an utter tip and the other who doesn't wash - the energy, encouragement, rules, berating, reminders I've put into either of these things over the years hasn't resulted in any improvement. But I also think they shouldn't be able to live in a home and not feel that they should take an active part in the most basic day to day chores like unstacking the dishwasher or emptying the kitchen bin. I've no doubt they'll turn out fine as you say, but at the same time, it's utterly selfish and disrespectful to not do the things they're asked by their own mother as members of a family. This is not some relentless regime of cooking, sweeping, cleaning, laundry, refuse management - but there's a chance it might be shortly if I decide to go on strike because it's dragging me and my mental health down to have the sole responsibility for everything. If they weren't here and it was just me there'd be less mess, no messy rooms, a tidy kitchen all the time - they create huge amounts of the mess in the shared parts of the house.

I'll be having a think on all of this during the next few GCSE weeks and will decide after that how to go about and what to do about it all.

Everyone's replies and experiences are helping.

OP posts:
shadypines · 12/06/2018 14:19

Hi doinitforthekids I'm sorry you are having such an awful time and could relate myself to most of your post as I have 2 myself, DS 19yrs and DD 16yrs.
I have no easy answers but am here mainly to sympathise that trying to motivate them is indeed like knitting fog. It's worse than toddlers and more messy and disgusting!
The one thing I want to ask you is how you ask them to do these chores? Do you start off nice and polite and end up loosing your rag when you 've asked for the billionth time (this is what I do!) and have you had the 'adult' sit down chat , it sounds like you have, about taking responsibility and respect etc ? Do they realise what effect they are having on your health, exhaustion, feeling low and not to mention your current back trouble. And I wonder if there is another adult around who they respect who you could also deploy to have this chat? I honestly swinging between a mixture of this reasonable attitude and losing my rag, it really isn't easy and I wish I had more answers or a magic wand for you.

shadypines · 12/06/2018 14:22

Everyone's replies and experiences are helping.

I'm glad to hear, do you think it would benefit them to read any of your post and replies, maybe a wake up call??

DoinItForTheKids · 12/06/2018 17:33

shadypines - probably not!! But I get the sentiment and thinking you're going with there.

Your second sentence in the preceding post is spot on!

No, no other adults around to reinforce the message. I do intend to have the sit down chat in some length. In some ways though it kind of almost seems slightly pointless only because DS is going to Uni in Sept and he can have a crack at all of it himself in his own room (wonder how long it will take him to make his new place stink?!). DD is having problems at school at the moment and not eating all her evening meals so whilst on the one hand you want to crack on and crack the whip (!) you do have to take these things into account, plus it's middle of exams so I've got a slightly "whatever gets you through" state of mind at the moment in terms of DD. Whilst, of course, at the same time, I do realise that in real life we all have to 'man up' on the regular no matter what crap we're going through, but yet sometimes things are a bit difficult or delicate and you have to pick what pressure you apply where.

OP posts:
shadypines · 12/06/2018 21:45

"whatever gets you through" state of mind , pretty much same here with my DD. How on earth she has actually found any of her books/notes to study from in the last 12 months is beyond me as her room resembles a volcano of tissues, knickers, socks and papers. They'll probably find me trapped under it all one of these days like one of those fossilised skeletons post Vesuvius Grin.

Re your DS, I can see your logic BUT it's a long time to wait til Sept doing it all yourself. Perhaps with him you could try a sharp shock along the lines of how it could make you ill if you are so knackered. If he's brainy enough to go to uni he should be able to understand this concept?

Sorry to hear of your worries with DD, I hope things settle when she finishes school. Hang in there, I think (hope) it helps to know you are not alone in this! You sound like a great mum.

DoinItForTheKids · 12/06/2018 22:22

Yes you could be right shady.

Thank you - not many people tell me that. Sadly she's been best by endless friendship problems. Teachers say they've never had such a nightmarish Yr 11 ever before (joy). She's so ready to leave. I fear that the students transferring to sixth form with her will take their childish, vindictive, idiotic ways with them but lets hope a new environment will discombobulate them sufficiently that they have to adopt new ways of operating.

I do work very hard and do a good job and try to strike the right balance. If I never had to go into DDs room I probably wouldn't care what it was like in there but when you find you can't open the door or I've got to go in there in order to care for her hamsters when she's away somewhere, and I am trying to clamber over the same crap as you mentioned but with the addition of blood-stained knickers, some with used sanitary towels still attached to (boak) and that's when I resent it and it makes me want to kill (joking, obvs).

What's so funny/frustrating is that with her school work, her writing, books, revision cards etc are all pieces of art! They are SO neat, detailed and meticulous - yet her rooms like a rubbish dump. In fact she's been told off about it for not making notes in her exercise books that would help her revise - because she doesn't want to mess up the beautiful work she's created. You couldn't make it up.

One of life's little jokes to keep us tittering away with amusement, presumably... GrinHmm.

OP posts:
Peanutbuttercups21 · 13/06/2018 07:03

Let him walk the half mile to the station. Really, why not. And do less for them.

Stop doing their laundry too

Ledkr · 13/06/2018 07:49

I searched for a thread like this as I've had 4 hours sleep after dealing with Dd 16 and her shite.
College has now ended and so she is loafing about all day while the rest of us work and then come home to her mess.
She literally eats all day and clears none of it away, bread left open, lid off butter/sugar etc. Mild strop when asked to clear it up and does it half heartedly.
I have to hide anything nice as she will literally graze though it all.
She literally achieves nothing. I've asked her to write a cv to get a summer job, make an appointment for contraception, sort out her clothes so I can sell some stuff Andy make her some money but she does nothing apart from stare at her phone.
Another problem is staying up half the night.
She shoots doenstairs as soon as we come up. She then switches in every single light and makes food which she leaves half eaten and doesn't clear away. A
Last night I woke up at 1.40 and saw all the garden lit up so went down and sure enough every light was blazing, toast in toaster, kettle boiling etc. She'd used nearly all of the milk and the best bit was she had a pack of tobacco on the table! So great she's now smoking 😡What a bloody shame.
She also announced yesterday that she is quitting ballet which she is amazing at 😟
I made her clear up and sod off to bed then couldn't sleep most of the night and now have to get my 7 year old to school and work myself.
I propose we keep,this thread going as a support thread, as I feel I can't talk to anyone as they get all judges and tell me " I wouldn't have that" etc.
I'm ashamed to admit that I am also a qualified parenting therapist but can't see a way out of this nonsense.

DoinItForTheKids · 13/06/2018 08:32

Jeez, I get this midnight feasting, uncleared up mess and lights left on - since v firmly worded 'youll lose WiFi for an entire afternoon and overnight' she's complying now with that (room's still a shit tip so no change there).

OP posts:
Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 13/06/2018 08:57

Oh God....the relief at finding this thread. Just to know I'm not the only one dealing with this shit. I've had it with my lot....ALL their rooms are shit holes, half my kitchen is in their rooms, and oh the ANGST. ....omg....every.single.day. It's driving me to drink. And I've got 4 of the fuckers Angry

DoinItForTheKids · 13/06/2018 13:18

Oh dear - god help you!!

OP posts:
Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 13/06/2018 15:37

I think even he's given up on me doinIt Grin

shadypines · 13/06/2018 18:15

doinitforthekids yes yes to meticulous and arty school work/revision notes but shit tip room...we share a daughter!
And yes I am crossing my fingers that some of those bitchy, silly and utterly obnoxious sounding girls are either not going to DD's college or at least emotionally/psychologically mature at least 10 yrs in the next 3 months...……

Ledkr……..Another problem is staying up half the night.
She shoots downstairs as soon as we come up. She then switches in every single light and makes food which she leaves half eaten and doesn't clear away.
Sympathies, I have this with DS 19yrs and don't get me started on that Fortnite game they are all playing, OMG, headphones on and practically shouting at the person on the other end of the line he's playing against at 3am. Give.Me.Strength. I have to be up at 6.15am but he doesn't get it.

shadypines · 13/06/2018 18:18

Whywo'ttheyletme Flowers Wine Gin and repeat....

WatcherintheRye · 13/06/2018 18:23

My garden's descended into a massively (and I mean massively) weed-filled tip,.........then XH announced he's out of a job (again) so won't be paying maintenance for the foreseeable

I've just thought of a solution.............Grin

DoinItForTheKids · 13/06/2018 18:40

For Christ sakes, the times I had to text DS and say FFS "Shut up!!!" - yes, it may only be 10.30pm but unlike U I've been up since 5.40 am and at work by 6.45am and I'm bloody shattered!! Tbf, he IS quite quiet, but I am a LIGHT sleeper and any murmuring and shit, it keeps me awake. Blame anxiety or whatever - it also means I was there for every sniffle and cough the moment I heard it from when they were tiny babies! So it did benefit them in times they'll never even remember.

DD leaves used sanitary towels stuck into her pants in her room/on her floor and I guess I think 2 things. 1. thank god she doesn't feel so ashamed of/worried about periods that she wants to hide that she's menstruating set against 2. FFS - WHO would leave their blood-covered STs stuck to their pants - she has her boyfriend in that bedroom! I am both horrified and in admiration of her cluelessness / carefree lack of concern!

Yes, patio, I get you Watcher!!! Too late for that dammit - he lives several counties away and murder beneath the patio would mean no future hope of a return to CM.... it's not worth it Grin.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 13/06/2018 18:53

I feel so much calmer reading your posts.
I felt crap all day today fretting about it all.

I feel a bit more in control now as she has asked for a friend to stay tonight. Nope.

She said ok but can my boyfriend stay tomorrow as I can't stay at his as he's not allowed (he's obviously fucked up too) "SO WE CANT SEE EACH OTHER AT ALL"

Yes, that's correct. I may have to put up with you but I have no obligation to play host to your mates.

That's 1 all I think. 🤗

DoinItForTheKids · 13/06/2018 20:25

God it's so difficult isn't it Ledkr. Glad our combined posts have helped in some way!

OP posts:
Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 13/06/2018 21:45

shadypines That put a smile on my face !! First one all daySad

mumontherun14 · 14/06/2018 09:17

Just sending some sympathy and reading the replies with interest. Mine are a bit younger but both rooms are a contstant tip so you are not alone. Can get them to walk the dog and thats about it. Constantly finding cups and plates in their rooms it drives me crazy. Not to mention the constant lazing around at night and then at the very last minute in the morning before going out the door "Oh Mum I need.....pe kit/money for something/letter/slip etc etc......even though I have asked them a million times the night before and they have denied any knowledge of needing anything....xxx