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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Those times when you've just utterly, utterly sick of teenagers and their apathy

220 replies

DoinItForTheKids · 04/06/2018 18:12

Mine are driving me NUTS.

We've got a chores list - it's literally like pulling teeth. Have just had to repeat the instruction for the third time in 2 days for DS to empty the kitchen bin. So, he finally empties it. He puts a clean bin bag in. All going good so far. He then leaves the full bag tied up in the kitchen. I then have to ask him to come downstairs, take the bag out through the piece of architecture known as the 'front door', and place it into the wheelie bin. Done, but with much huffing and throwing of the front door keys on the hallway floor afterwards. DS never washes, he stinks, his room reeks (frankly, can't wait until he goes to Uni in September but have no idea how I'll fumigate the room and return it to a normal aroma because Febreeze ain't gonna cut it, how effective would napalm be...?).

DD 'feeling sick' so 'can't come down for dinner' and will 'eat later' and 'oh do you mind if I have the living room from 9pm as |I want to watch Love Island' - not too sick for that then... I've told her I'm sick of her 'eating later' and how can anyone feel that sick that often that they can't manage a bit of tea?!? You then can't clear up the kitchen and she goes down later, makes a massive mess whilst heating it up and then I have to sort that out the following morning. SICK of going into DDs room and not being able to open the effing door fully to get in there!!!!! Floordrobe in full swing, crap everywhere, glasses of festering milk from three days ago, rubbish bin full to overflowing - and this is at the same time as she's requesting a substantial makeover of her room including a new bed, new wardrobes and new flooring - who in their right mind would install the white laminate floor she wants when she spills things, grinds in eyeshadow and mascara, lets candle wax pool on the floor, periods all over her sheets and duvet, and just generally leaves a trail of utter devastation in her wake?

The problem is whilst I'm doing what I'm supposed to which is making them do this stuff because they damn well should do it, I'm bloody exhausted from having to drive them forward to do it all the time. The first week I did keep turning the WiFi router off until they appeared and did the chores but that affects me negatively as well as I can't then come on MN!! Angry

It's the sheer levels of energy it's taking and I'm starting to feel highly, highly aggrieved at their bloody attitude.

Oh and today, DS (18) was in all day, it's a non college day. We have a Ring doorbell. Both him and his DS have been told to get the app that goes with it, she has, I don't know if he has. So I'm at work, doorbell rings. I can't do anything about it as I know he needs a signature. So I Hangouts DS. No answer. Doorbell rings again - that'll be the other parcel due today me thinks. I message him again please answer the door. He doesn't. Both parcels taken back. When he finally responds to my Hangouts message about 30 minutes later he says "Oh I only just turned my wifi back on" - BULLSHIT!!! What teen turns their WiFi off, ever?! I said to him tonight this is just normal stuff that families do for each other you know, to help each other out, you are expected to take part in these kinds of helpful acts.

I mean, can't you just be helpful already??

Any brainwaves on ways to achieve submission cos I'm literally at the point where I'm so tired but also so fed up, that I could end up throwing the Sky hub out in the trash until they actively comply without me even having to say anything (and then I'm really stuffed!).

OP posts:
user1457017537 · 15/06/2018 09:41

Actually I have had teenagers. I also know plenty of people who are still abused by their adult children. Maybe this is a result of raising children with “no boundaries”. It’s not a right to have a loving home, many children are not fortunate and make the very best of difficult situations. If you have a teenager who is defeacating in their bedroom because they can’t be arsed to use a toilet then she should have been shown the door.

Ledkr · 15/06/2018 09:42

Where would she go user

user1457017537 · 15/06/2018 09:43

Just think of my view as an alternative, get angry you are not doing yourself or them any favours.

user1457017537 · 15/06/2018 09:44

If she wants to live like that she could go anywhere. Perhaps after a few days she would reconsider her behaviour.

Ledkr · 15/06/2018 09:55

"Anywhere?" Yes. Great idea. Maybe she won't come back at all or maybe she will after being exploited or starting a pathway to drug misuse.
Who in this thread has said they aren't using boundaries?

My dd has no money from me, no contract, no lifts and is constantly made to clean up her own mess.
She is also working hard st college, dances 4 x weekly and is often pleasant and good company.
To suggest that people just kick out their young teens is naive and irresponsible!

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 15/06/2018 10:20

Well said Ledkr This thread is proving to be a bit of a lifeline for some of us user...and also support. Please don't derail with ur holier than thou attitude. Shady Wine Wine and more Wine Grin

user1457017537 · 15/06/2018 10:44

Whatever

colditz · 15/06/2018 11:01

My 15 year old has been told he will handwash any socks I find that I cannot bear to touch, because they aren't going in my machine in that state.

It's ... not foot dirt.

colditz · 15/06/2018 11:02

It’s not a right to have a loving home

It literally is.

whattheactualbleep · 15/06/2018 11:20

I would never ever in a million years kick my child out regardless of how it gets stressful sometimes but we are a close family and although a lazy shit my 20 yr old ds is not abusive aggressive or nasty. He's a lovely lad that's growing into a hard working adult with a lovely girlfriend.
He is training to do something he's always wanted to do and is enjoying life going to festivals and gigs and having holidays and general fun etc.
This is exactly what I envisaged I really wanted for him. To be happy confident and learning to be self sufficient. He's doing great but is having to learn the life responsibilities along with it.
Yes it's frustrating but at least we can all help each other out in this thread

Babdoc · 15/06/2018 11:22

My kids are now in their late 20’s. They never behaved remotely like the ones described on here when they were teenagers. Neither did their friends. They were raised as Christians.

I had boundaries and expectations right from the start, and enough self respect that I would never have tolerated a fraction of this nonsense.
My then 15 year old once had to be left behind at the airport due to a passport problem when we went on holiday. She not only looked after the house but baked me a cake to welcome me home.
Both my DDs treat me with love and respect, as I do them too. But I was always their mother, not their doormat or indulgent pal.
OP, I think you need a family crisis meeting, preferably mediated by a neutral person, and you need to thrash out some rules of normal civilised behaviour. Your teens have successfully pushed the boundary into unacceptable squalor and disrespect. I doubt that they are happy with it, either - they need you to show some leadership.
If it’s almost too late for that, your only hope is that they meet some more civilised friends at uni and realise how totally unacceptable they have been. You are due a massive apology from them.

Buckingfrolicks · 15/06/2018 11:22

My DS at 20 was as bad as at 17. He lasted 1 year at uni then came home. He now has a good job but omg his room! His attitude! His utter disrespect!!

My DP (his dad) would not back me up and in the end I could not stand it any longer.

I left. I'm in a peaceful flat 20 mins away and refusing to go back home til they (have a DD who is better) and DP) sort themselves out.

colditz · 15/06/2018 11:33

My then 15 year old once had to be left behind at the airport due to a passport problem when we went on holiday. She not only looked after the house but baked me a cake to welcome me home.

Fucking hell, Babdoc, your poor child.

Ledkr · 15/06/2018 11:52

Christian values right there colditz

User, your response "whatever" is the kind of thing my teen says when challenged!

Are you a teen?

user1457017537 · 15/06/2018 12:56

Colditz you can take what I say literally or you can choose to interpret it as a very last resort for truly disgusting, unacceptable behaviour.

user1457017537 · 15/06/2018 12:57

It is not a right to treat your home and parents with contempt and disrespect either.

DoinItForTheKids · 15/06/2018 13:16

Firstly, I'm feeling proud today because this is my second 'thank god for this thread' thread type comment - so I can't be doing too bad in life (fucking up everywhere else probably (or undoubtedly if we listen to user), but getting it right on MN (for the most part!!)).

Colditz I feel your pain and I am quite sure I know what you ahem mean. DS used to use his boxers for the purpose to which I believe you refer - then hide them inbetween his pillowcase and pillow - so he was actually sleeping on them with just a pillowcase between him and er, that (stuff). Been retrained with the biggest box of the cheapest tissues money can buy and if this is the only thing I can report positively on wrt him, he is very tidy with it now and never had any repeat of that previous behaviour!

If only I had known Babdoc that raising them 'as Christians' was the answer. I can't see how this is relevant regardless of which religion you would have stated. I think it's clear that folk on here are 'dealing with' the issues they are facing - just not necessarily as you have done.

Good for you Bucking and I'm really pleased it's worked out and you've found a solution that works for you and your family - sadly not an option for me but sounds quite blissful!

user you just sound angry. For someone's who's got everything sorted out with a shipshape house and compliant teens, I can't understand why you sound so displeased in all your comments?

OP posts:
FrozenMargarita17 · 15/06/2018 13:24

There is hope, OP.

I was the lazy, entitled teen with a floordrobe. I spent all my time on msn (can you guess my age?!), practiced make up in my room and got the mess all over the floor. My room was so messy mum couldn't open the door. I never cleaned anything and would get annoyed at my mum for being annoyed at me!

I now have a baby and I'm the one doing it all. I feel her pain!

For Mother's Day this year, I bought my mum a card that simply said on the front 'happy Mother's Day, I get it now'

WhatsGoingOnEh · 15/06/2018 13:42

I haven't RTFT so sorry if this has already been mentioned. But on the Sky router, can't you turn individual devices' WiFi on and off? So you could turn theirs off, but everything else (doorbell, Mumsnet!) would be unaffected.

user1457017537 · 15/06/2018 13:58

Doingitforthekids you are projecting there with your comments re my life. As I have stated previously I wish you well and hope things turn around for you.

colditz · 15/06/2018 14:45

.... Hmm

moving on ..

I was also a sloppy teenaged girl who had disgusting personal habits, I'm genuinely surprised I ever had a boyfriend, bizarrely it was my friend's mother who trained me to shower regularly after simply shaming me into it "Colditz! You haven't had a shower for three days! Get in that shower NOW!" and repeatedly running out of uniform as a young adult that has trained me to do my laundry!

No being made homeless or abandoned at airports necessary Wink

DraughtyWindow · 15/06/2018 14:58

user - I felt quite upset when I read your response this morning. Telling me to ‘get a grip’ and ‘chuck her out’.

You really know nothing about me apart from what I have put in my post. Yes, there is a backstory as to why she possibly behaves as she does, but I didn’t feel it necessary to post the fact that my DD has been through a pretty horrific time over the last 7 years. She’s been bullied and sexually abused (at school) and also has a very difficult relationship with her Dad and his partner (they now have another 2 children together). We have been through CAHMS, seen the EdPsych, docs, Childrens’ Services. No help. I’ll repeat, NO HELP. She doesn’t ‘score’ enough points to be given an ASD diagnosis, but does however score in various areas.

Please therefore, do not tell me to ‘get a grip’ and to ‘chuck her out’. She’s 15 FFS. There have always been boundaries in place. I’m pleased for you that your children are ‘normal’ and that they are not in any way on the spectrum. That must be down to your parenting skills.

Please however, be thoughtful in what you post - you’ve assumed lots. I’m an actual person with feelings too you know. And I’m struggling with coping. Although I do cope very well. I have a great bunch of friends already so haven’t come here for sympathy. I posted originally to try and support others.
What did you come on here for? To tell us we’re all useless at parenting? Thanks for that. I hope you have a lovely weekend, as you sound a very angry person.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 15/06/2018 15:21

Wow...just wow. The answer to all our problems lies within user and babdocs posts. Kick them out and leave them at airports Grin I think, the rest of us normal posters have normal kids and fairly normal lives. Would rather deal with my DCs materialistic shit than the mental health problems I would have given them had I taken your advice.

Anyway...just wanted to update, that this morning, I have, for the first time, just found a pair of my DCs knickers with the pad still attached . imagines the pain of user and babadoc at reading that !!!! Draughty Flowers

TheLastNigel · 15/06/2018 15:30

Has anyone suggested mypact app which allows you to control their WiFi access without switching your own off?
Mine are 11 and 12 and lazy beasts. I've started giving Them chores lately so they at least get used to them now rather than later when it will be even harder to get them to help (id imagine). It's already something of a stand off until I turn the WiFi off.

DoinItForTheKids · 15/06/2018 15:40

Draughty your last post resonated with me. I too have reasons not dissimilar from the ones you touched on so throwing out just would not happen, and the coming down on them like a tonne of bricks also has to be handled carefully - nothing is as black and white as chuck them out.

User I wasn't projecting, merely observing. You still sound angry....

Oh no! Welcome to the club Whywon'tthey!!! We have urinating in glasses and mugs too, so there Grin (cos she's scared to go to the .

OP posts:
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