Those times when you've just utterly, utterly sick of teenagers and their apathy

[DoinItForTheKids]

Mine are driving me NUTS.

We've got a chores list - it's literally like pulling teeth. Have just had to repeat the instruction for the third time in 2 days for DS to empty the kitchen bin. So, he finally empties it. He puts a clean bin bag in. All going good so far. He then leaves the full bag tied up in the kitchen. I then have to ask him to come downstairs, take the bag out through the piece of architecture known as the 'front door', and place it into the wheelie bin. Done, but with much huffing and throwing of the front door keys on the hallway floor afterwards. DS never washes, he stinks, his room reeks (frankly, can't wait until he goes to Uni in September but have no idea how I'll fumigate the room and return it to a normal aroma because Febreeze ain't gonna cut it, how effective would napalm be...?).

DD 'feeling sick' so 'can't come down for dinner' and will 'eat later' and 'oh do you mind if I have the living room from 9pm as |I want to watch Love Island' - not too sick for that then... I've told her I'm sick of her 'eating later' and how can anyone feel that sick that often that they can't manage a bit of tea?!? You then can't clear up the kitchen and she goes down later, makes a massive mess whilst heating it up and then I have to sort that out the following morning. SICK of going into DDs room and not being able to open the effing door fully to get in there!!!!! Floordrobe in full swing, crap everywhere, glasses of festering milk from three days ago, rubbish bin full to overflowing - and this is at the same time as she's requesting a substantial makeover of her room including a new bed, new wardrobes and new flooring - who in their right mind would install the white laminate floor she wants when she spills things, grinds in eyeshadow and mascara, lets candle wax pool on the floor, periods all over her sheets and duvet, and just generally leaves a trail of utter devastation in her wake?

The problem is whilst I'm doing what I'm supposed to which is making them do this stuff because they damn well should do it, I'm bloody exhausted from having to drive them forward to do it all the time. The first week I did keep turning the WiFi router off until they appeared and did the chores but that affects me negatively as well as I can't then come on MN!!

It's the sheer levels of energy it's taking and I'm starting to feel highly, highly aggrieved at their bloody attitude.

Oh and today, DS (18) was in all day, it's a non college day. We have a Ring doorbell. Both him and his DS have been told to get the app that goes with it, she has, I don't know if he has. So I'm at work, doorbell rings. I can't do anything about it as I know he needs a signature. So I Hangouts DS. No answer. Doorbell rings again - that'll be the other parcel due today me thinks. I message him again please answer the door. He doesn't. Both parcels taken back. When he finally responds to my Hangouts message about 30 minutes later he says "Oh I only just turned my wifi back on" - BULLSHIT!!! What teen turns their WiFi off, ever?! I said to him tonight this is just normal stuff that families do for each other you know, to help each other out, you are expected to take part in these kinds of helpful acts.

I mean, can't you just be helpful already??

Any brainwaves on ways to achieve submission cos I'm literally at the point where I'm so tired but also so fed up, that I could end up throwing the Sky hub out in the trash until they actively comply without me even having to say anything (and then I'm really stuffed!).

Similar to above, I've been looking at this one:
ourpact.com/
It's a month to month subscription, seems that you can block devices one by one...has anyone tried it?

I know they are disrespectful and how hard it is to manage a household all alone and with a ft job. But going on strike during exam time might be tougher for all of you than waiting a few weeks, can you hold on before instigating the new rules?

If you can spend those few weeks formulating an action plan of how you (as a family) can address the issues, you can put it into place as soon as the last exam is done. They should have time over summer to do more, setting them up for still helping out when back to school in September.

Why are you driving your ds 0.4of a mile?? Surely if he doesn't want to get the bus he can walk. Next time come home from work make yourself a large g&t and tell him you can't possibly drive as you have been drinking.

Actually scratch that go from work to bar. Drink g&t and text him he'll have to walk.

Yes, whilst chucking them out often feels like a fabulous idea, it's not really practical although I do understand your sentiments user and thoroughly appreciate your support.

thebluedot yes I think I need to wait. Exam time having just been told in a very very very bad way by their dad that he is quite ill, I've (once again) got to pick up the pieces of him imparting this news to both kids in the most appallingly selfish way and it has had a massive effect on them as you can imagine. It adds a layer of difficulty that if it weren't there, I'd be lobbing the Sky hub into a skip quite honestly. But DD is at her boyfriend's house til 10pm and I've got into a bottle of wine based on the horrific stress levels I'm dealing with that don't even include XHs stupidity.

Thank you for all the wifi-controlling links guys - I'll have a look at these in the next day or two when I get chance. Thank you.

Apologies, the distance from our house to train station is in fact 2.7 miles (sorry, I'd got a different figure in my mind, that's entirely my fault). When I put it through Google maps it says 48 minutes which in all honesty seems wayyyy overegged - I'd say 20 minutes walk but even so, you wouldn't walk it, you'd get on a bus which takes about 8 minutes. Anyhoo, we'll see how we go, let me plan and so on for a day or two and then I can see what I want to invoke. The bad health news and exam period especially for DD (DS is on a BTEC so doesn't actually have exams) is poor timing and I know the news affected DD v badly.

French sadly that will just result in a text from DS to XH telling him 'mum's pissed (again) and can't take me to the station so I can't come and see you this weekend'. Never mind that I've never been drunk to be unable to take him to or from the station EVER at any point in the past 8 years including EOW contact, holidays etc - what I choose to drink when I don't have to do those chores is my choice, my home, etc - but it will just reinforce that wanker's view of me as a crap mother.

DoingItForTheKids thank you for understanding that I was trying to support you. I hope you get some peace and help from DS and DD, and that you can move forward with some co-operation from them. It can’t be easy for you and I hope things work out.

Oh I feel your pain. I get sick of asking. Would it kill them to think the house is a shithole so I'll tidy up. I once thought 'stuff it I'm not doing a thing' 3 weeks and neither of them washed up a blooming thing. DS1 doesn't care if I don't wash his stuff, he'll just skank it out! Arghhhhh

OP, I feel for you. I really don’t know what the answer is.

There’s no talking sense to my 15yo DD. All I get is ‘whatever’. Her room’s not too bad (it stinks though) but her attitude is just awful and she’s incredibly lazy. I’m also a single parent that works FT but I work from home.

She spends the entire evening on the phone to her BF. She doesn’t kick off if I turn the internet off.... it seems to make no difference.

I worry for this breed of teenager - how on earth are they going to keep house when they have a place of their own? I’ve asked my DD if she would behave like this in anyone else’s home and she said no. Says it all really. I’m so disappointed. I feel like a failing parent. There is no respect. I’m at the end of my tether too. I’ve tried everything in the book. Perhaps I will just have to cancel her phone contract.

I have a very lazy teen too, in fact pretty much every teen I know is lazy to some degree. My dd has a huge pile of clothes on her floor, I've told her she will be washing them herself now as I refuse. Knowing her, she'll just wear the same stinky school shirts for the next 7 weeks! We discussed giving her an allowance, but as she does nothing to earn it, it went out the window. I know it will affect her when she wants to go out with her friends and they have money and she doesn't.

I do agree with pp about setting boundaries though. If your ds wants a lift he has to earn it in some way, otherwise he gets the bus. If dd wants a new room she has to keep it clean and tidy, and possibly earn some pennies herself to help pay for it. If stuff isn't put away, bag it up and stick it in the shed or garage.
My dd asked for friends over this weekend and I told her if she doesn't clean her room she's out of luck! There's only so much you can do, I really think they need to learn from experience. And let's face it, once they're out and living on their own, they'll learn pretty quickly! (I say this as someone who had never used a washing machine or an iron before I left home in my 20s 😀)

No helpful suggestions I'm afraid OP but am just posting in support - I have the same problems with a 16 and 14 year old at home. Everything just takes so long, requires multiple requests/nags/shouting to get them to do it, and is then usually only half done anyway. It's utterly exhausting.

Removal of internet works short term but does not seem to break the cycle long term.

Golidlachs we have OurPact. Great in theory but the teen can disable it from settings on their phone. You then get a notification telling you "Teen's device has become unpaired". Your teen then gives you some crap about not knowing how it happened and it wasn't anything they did - this is a lie. You can only re-pair it to your device when you have their device in hand, so if you are at work and they unpair it, you can't do anything.

Would all you mums suffer this behaviour from people in your professional and business lives or in the workplace. Why be so disrespected in your own home. Please stop pandering to their every whim and taking this shit from your teenagers. Stop their money, phones, internet access etc. Here’s a newsflash for you they are not doing their homework and research on computers up in their bedrooms.

user my dd is doing her homework in her bedroom, I know that because a, I can see her doing it, and b, it always gets done!

Metalmum obviously I’m not including all teenagers and don’t mean to offend anyone but the Op said her DD is not making an effort despite having all the advantages and study aids available to her.
I’m just advocating that wool can and does get pulled over our eyes!

Yes I do understand user ! Revision is boring for kids and I agree that if they don't do it and ultimately end up with bad exam results they can only blame themselves and hopefully learn from it. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink kind of thing!

User1457 - As metal said, you can lead a horse to water....

I have previously removed everything that my DD cares about and it has made little difference to her attitude. (Temporarily maybe, but soon slips back despite any sanctions). She is vehemently stubborn and can be very verbally abusive. I have previously involved the police who read her the riot act.

Everyone else that knows her thinks she’s the model teenager. She says all the right things but doesn’t follow up with actions. No-one sees what goes on behind closed doors. I was never like this as a teenager. I’ve done me best to teach morals and to have a good work ethic. She plainly doesn’t give a damn. She’ll have to learn the hard way for herself when she leaves home. I’m hoping one day she’ll ‘get it’.

Draughty when your dd does eventually leave home and have to fend for herself she probably will 'get it'! She'll have a nasty shock! And hopefully as she matures a little bit she'll understand where you're coming from and you may even get an apology for her behaviour 😉 I know a couple of people who had the most awful, disrespectful teens, and since moving out and growing up their relationships now are fantastic.

Thank you metal - everyone tells me she’s a credit to me and that she will ‘get it’ eventually. I’m really not understanding where they get this idea from! I’m worried sick about her future. She’ll not hold down any sort of job with her current attitude.
She’s very easily led, has had CAMHS involvement but they were completely useless. I’ve been on parenting courses, had social workers involved. The list goes on. They’ve all held their hands up and have come up with no solution. Even they’ve admitted they don’t know what to do.
Thanks for your kind words.
I feel for the OP. It’s so hard on your own without having much backup.

Fingers crossed for you Draughty

DoinIt I’ve been thinking about this all day... not sure if your teenagers receive any weekly/monthly allowance or not, but I’ve just asked my DD to come up with a proposal whereby she can earn some money (she only gets £5 a week from her Dad presently). So she sets the amount and decides what she thinks she needs to do to work for it. It will the be discussed and an agreement made. Basically putting the ball in her court. It’s on the proviso that if she doesn’t do what she says she’s going to do, then there’s a reduction in the amount and so forth. Might not work but I’m going to give it a go. They need to take direct responsibility for their actions. My daughter expects me to ferry her around too. That’s not going to be happening until I see an actual improvement in her general attitude. She can stamp and sulk all she likes.

I actually don't give them pocket money / an allowance. I don't agree with handing out money 'just in case' so they can spend it on pop and sweets and rubbish. However if they do want something and need cash for it, usually I give it to them.

I'll be v interest Draughty to see how it goes and crossing everything that it does bear fruit! You go for it. I think for my two I'd only have to remove WiFi and we'd get a result as they're both on their tech all the time.

What I can't understand though is that even when folk have applied these consequences and got them helping, they can't maintain it for more than about 4 days! I'm almost scared to start something and find that after all the effort it will take to get them going on it, they might then stop after a week!

DoinIt Yes, I agree. I think half the battle is finding out what actually really motivates /incentivises them. There may be more than one - so far I’ve identified money and spending time with her BF (and attention from me!) That’s why I’ve asked her to write down what she’d like to happen and consequences for not doing stuff.
She’s still thinking about what to ask for in her ‘contract’ - so at least it looks like she’s going to give it some thought. If she doesn’t come up with a contract, I won’t be just handing money out. I do resent however the fact that I’m thinking about paying her to do things/chores that should be being done anyway. I’ve always disagreed with that approach so I think I might have to be a little inventive with what I need her to do! And also what I can take away in the absence of any respect from her. I will also reiterate what I deem as disrespectful - ask her why I think these things - so that we can be a little clearer on expectations. It’s like having a toddler, really it is. I never imagined parenting would by THIS hard. Really, I didn’t. I feel about 90!

DoinIt what about if they had to earn tech time/internet access by doing jobs/chores? So they get a set time for schoolwork but need to work for additional ‘playtime’...
If they don’t use it appropriately and schoolwork doesn’t get done, then there’ll be a direct consequence from the school. Just a thought.
These damned kids are so entitled aren’t they?! They want everything for nothing.

Yes, there's some good ideas there Draughty, thank you.

At the moment you know I'm so tired and so stressed out (just in general) and with one or the other of them being out and about over the last couple of nights and then exams starting up again I couldn't do my 'big bang' I'm totally on strike until you sort yourselves out event!

I think I'm going to limp along with the constant reminders and get to the end of the exams and then review it and instigate some more rigid requirements. Please let me know you get on with the contract!! Crossing fingers it works.

Well, she’s told me tonight she can’t be bothered to write a contract. Says it all really, so money’s not a motivator.
I will persevere however. I may use seeing the BF as a motivator instead. He lives 7 miles away and doesn’t go to the same school.

Yes, I’d leave things as they are for the time being, only a few more weeks and then they’ll get the shock of their lives. Slowly slowly catchy monkey.

Oh dear, how frustrating is this.

I'm just thinking there's also prom to get out the way for us at end of June so let's get all that hoo-har out of the way and see how things stand.

This lot could drive you to drink!