Those times when you've just utterly, utterly sick of teenagers and their apathy

[DoinItForTheKids]

Mine are driving me NUTS.

We've got a chores list - it's literally like pulling teeth. Have just had to repeat the instruction for the third time in 2 days for DS to empty the kitchen bin. So, he finally empties it. He puts a clean bin bag in. All going good so far. He then leaves the full bag tied up in the kitchen. I then have to ask him to come downstairs, take the bag out through the piece of architecture known as the 'front door', and place it into the wheelie bin. Done, but with much huffing and throwing of the front door keys on the hallway floor afterwards. DS never washes, he stinks, his room reeks (frankly, can't wait until he goes to Uni in September but have no idea how I'll fumigate the room and return it to a normal aroma because Febreeze ain't gonna cut it, how effective would napalm be...?).

DD 'feeling sick' so 'can't come down for dinner' and will 'eat later' and 'oh do you mind if I have the living room from 9pm as |I want to watch Love Island' - not too sick for that then... I've told her I'm sick of her 'eating later' and how can anyone feel that sick that often that they can't manage a bit of tea?!? You then can't clear up the kitchen and she goes down later, makes a massive mess whilst heating it up and then I have to sort that out the following morning. SICK of going into DDs room and not being able to open the effing door fully to get in there!!!!! Floordrobe in full swing, crap everywhere, glasses of festering milk from three days ago, rubbish bin full to overflowing - and this is at the same time as she's requesting a substantial makeover of her room including a new bed, new wardrobes and new flooring - who in their right mind would install the white laminate floor she wants when she spills things, grinds in eyeshadow and mascara, lets candle wax pool on the floor, periods all over her sheets and duvet, and just generally leaves a trail of utter devastation in her wake?

The problem is whilst I'm doing what I'm supposed to which is making them do this stuff because they damn well should do it, I'm bloody exhausted from having to drive them forward to do it all the time. The first week I did keep turning the WiFi router off until they appeared and did the chores but that affects me negatively as well as I can't then come on MN!!

It's the sheer levels of energy it's taking and I'm starting to feel highly, highly aggrieved at their bloody attitude.

Oh and today, DS (18) was in all day, it's a non college day. We have a Ring doorbell. Both him and his DS have been told to get the app that goes with it, she has, I don't know if he has. So I'm at work, doorbell rings. I can't do anything about it as I know he needs a signature. So I Hangouts DS. No answer. Doorbell rings again - that'll be the other parcel due today me thinks. I message him again please answer the door. He doesn't. Both parcels taken back. When he finally responds to my Hangouts message about 30 minutes later he says "Oh I only just turned my wifi back on" - BULLSHIT!!! What teen turns their WiFi off, ever?! I said to him tonight this is just normal stuff that families do for each other you know, to help each other out, you are expected to take part in these kinds of helpful acts.

I mean, can't you just be helpful already??

Any brainwaves on ways to achieve submission cos I'm literally at the point where I'm so tired but also so fed up, that I could end up throwing the Sky hub out in the trash until they actively comply without me even having to say anything (and then I'm really stuffed!).

Whywontthey Thanks for the flowers! I’m OK, was just a bit miffed!
I have yet to discover the sanitary towels - to be fair, she doesn’t leave stuff like that attached or lying around (so in my case I do feel it’s definitely a mental health related issue with my DD, possibly a control thing...)
I just think they don’t see it as ‘important’... they’re self-centred and only see what affects them directly. They will walk past their clutter on the stairs etc., and only when they fall down and break their own neck would it occur to them to move it! I would hasten to add that my DD’s bedroom isn’t too bad - (apart from the you know what that’s happened twice recently and then again about 5 years ago).
Reading everyone’s posts makes me feel better in a way - that in all other respects she’s not actually that bad and probably quite normal in all the other traits people are describing - she’s polite, says please and thank you, (to everyone else!)
From the outside, she’s the model teenager.

sorry posted too son - "loo in the dark" (even though it's only 6 steps on the same landing as her bedroom... .

*soon argh!

DoinIt I’m considering installing a commode. Or a potty would be a cheaper addition. Oh, and some pull-ups.
She still wets the bed frequently during the night - she has hypotonia and her bladder is a third normal size. Medication hasn’t worked.
My washing machine definitely works overtime!

And yes user I have a supply of mattress protectors before you say the mattress is rank.

Draughty more and excellent post. Unfortunately it never ceases to me how some posters are keen to wade in with 'advice' and judgement without much thought to the effect of their words. Some people simply cannot imagine that others' lives are different from theirs, they and their children have been through different things (sometimes horrific eg bullying and abuse) and we don't all behave totally the same way.

It's my belief that the mums getting support on here (another well done from me, this is a lifeline *doinitforthekids) are all striving to bring up their children as good decent human beings. Hence they care about their current behaviour and are trying to improve it.

And Ledkr thank you for:-
I am on my 4th teenager and the other 3 are now gorgeous young men who are clean and well able to keep a house in order.
I am now living in hope after literally just coming from cleaning up the latest mess...……...

Get on with it then

If your child has mental health reasons for their behaviour then that is a reason for their behaviour. Don’t shoot the messenger! If however they are lazy, entitled with disgusting personal habits then I and a few others would not allow that behaviour in our homes. I happen to believe it is more important to have a happy, healthy child than one who is doing well in exams and can pass exams but not cope with anything else in life. Exams can be retaken and I think education should happen every day of your life.

Solidarity - mine could definitely be worse but they are lazy little sods. As an extra bonus my Y10 DS does bugger all school work either - torn between sitting on his head and letting him find out the consequences the hard way next summer.

On a practical point re getting sleep - I recently talked it over with my older one who doesn’t have to get up until 8am whereas i’m up at 6. The new agreement (which he is sticking to) is that he has to be in his room by 10pm, but so long as i’m not disturbed by him coming in and out or going up and down to the kitchen, I won’t enquire too deeply into what time he actually goes to bed.

I’ve also bought a sleep mask and some silicone ear plugs - DP calls it my ‘sensory deprivation kit’ - and they’ve made a really massive difference to being able to stay asleep through any disturbance.

What I have learned from MN and through experience is that some parents of teens are the most judgmental smug bunch ever. They think that if they have an easy, compliant teen that this is down to their superior parenting and everyone who moans about their child’s behaviour is doing it wrong or they should just kick them out.

Most teens go through phases that are difficult, some are worse than others and most go on to be perfectly functioning adults. It is part of growing up to push boundaries and drive your parents crazy. I would actually have more concerns about a teen that was overly compliant.

The real parenting comes when you have to hang in there through all this tough stuff, accepting that they are not perfect and help them to pick up the pieces when they have made mistakes and let you down.

I think you're absolutely right backintime.

I also agree that what is the ultimate test is indeed the ability to continue loving them and supporting them and encouraging them (etc etc) when they are being shits and when they are being shits but are going through some real difficulties at the same time.

For all the things my two do (or don't do) that annoy me, they have many, many highly redeeming qualities and behaviours which are not mentioned in any of my posts which mean that I prefer to work with them more than bludgeon them into submission. Submission doesn't develop thinking and consequences analysis skills and I particularly don't want my DD to learn by submission.

That doesn't mean I'm a pushover and it doesn't mean that in a certain few weeks when various stuff has finished at school and college, that I might not be in the market for putting in place some highly stringent instructions that will be supported by me simply taking the Sky hub with me to work every day and they might only be allowed it back when they knuckle down. I think the periodic turning it off then back on again isn't quite detrimental enough (heh heh heh).

Not a short sharp WiFi shock but a whole day and night of it (maybe two, what the heck) might also lead nicely into that conversation about "Do you know how tired I am, how ungrateful it is not to contribute to family and home, do you know who pays for your food and wifi and clothes and going out, do you know how many times I've said no to invites to go out because it would mean I wouldn't be home with you, and wake up and stop being lazy dirty and smelly" type conversation that is also needed. I do feel having this conversation in all the forms and at all the times I've had it so far hasn't worked as their teeny-style brains had't quite progressed into that receptive phase where the words are going in. In my case I feel wifi loss will completely jettison them into it - or at least I bloody well hope so!

Absolutely spot on backintime one of my previous already suffered 3 was quite and good and never game me a seconds trouble although he was extremely messy and we had a few spats over it.
One pushed every boundary going and the youngest did but was really sensible and capable of taking care of himself.
Despite all their flaws, when my husband left the three of them took over the care of their baby sister while I worked shifts.
It's only now I look back and realise how bloody amazing that was.

Dd is still a messy ungrateful cow bag though 😂

OP I am no pushover either and thankfully the very threat of turning off WiFi/ cancelling Netflix/ Prime/ Spotify/ phone contracts and swapping their iPhones for a Nokia brick like grandmas is enough to bring them to their senses.

YY to reminding them of all that you do and the sacrifices that you make to pay for all this stuff. I like to remind them that if I cancelled all this I could have a cleaner instead

Ohhhhh.... to have a cleaner. It's a dream Back!!

Ds2 has a Nokia brick, as a direct result of his carelessness with his iphone5. I'm not reparing it again, and furthermore I'm making him repay me the £25 for the Nokia. He's very embarassed by the Nokia and it's just tough.

Technology has a lot to answer for doesn’t it colditz? I’m just waiting for the next incident so I can cancel the entire contract.... she’ll have to use 2 cans and some string.

Draughty I am saving the 2 cans and string idea for my next rant

DD did the washing up this evening. I’m still in shock. She’s up to something - I just know it. Tomorrow I’ll get the, ‘Muuuuuum? Can I....?’

Well in our house we put our feet down firmly after yet another week of the gf staying every single night and no consideration for the younger sibling that needs to sleep for school with the constant up and down stairs all night ,turning the landing lights on every time and waking one of us up.
To say we've been creeping around our own home to accommodate the children is an understatement so lines been drawn.

Gf only three nights a week from now on. Younger kids will then be in bed and settled earlier meaning we get some time to ourselves.

Also kept firm with not doing adult ds washing and up to now he's done none for nearly three weeks. His look out.

Also getting them used to preparing their own meals as once he moves out in a few months he's got to do it. Fed up of being the slave to everyone.
He's been about assy which I find quite funny to be honest.

No more hotel or cleaner and cook and laundry maid here

OMG, you are almost reporting on my life, all the same apart from I have 3 teen girls. I am also now a single mother after their father left 2 and a half years ago. The emotional stress they put on me is unreal. I have Fibromyalgia and depression, which I try hard to control. All three of my girls seem to have zero empathy or consideration. The eldest bedroom sounds like a cross between both of yours and I have often stated that she could star in one of those dirty hoarder programs. The other 2's are not as bad but do get very messy. They will only help in the house if I pay them, yep pay them to clean their OWN MESS! Even when I am in much pain from the fibro they still have to be nagged, then only do it with attitude or arguments, then turn it back on me saying I am being unreasonable getting cross and going off on one. Biggest thing I hear every day 'I forgot' 'I'm tired' 'to drained to move' what do they think I feel like with fucking fibromyalgia, but no I still do everything as well as ferry them around everywhere they need to be, costing up to £80 in petrol a week!! Last night I drove to a secluded area in the country lanes so I could sit and cry for 3 bloody hours!!! (I try not to put my depression on them) Not one of them called to see where I had gone even though they knew I was upset. It does come to something doesn't it when you love them with every cell in your body but at the same time wish they would all just move out and leave you alone! If you ever want to talk please feel free to message me, I'm pretty much alone where I live and quite obviously the girls are of no support, so could do with a friend to rant with myself. x

Sophionaliv I feel your rage trust me.

Have an auto immune condition that resulted in major surgery four years ago.
I have recovered and work more than full time as well as running a business and a home full of lazy kids

Mostly I feel ok but every now and then il have a bad relapse and trying to drag myself around and keep everything normal is bloody hard. Still they don't seem to grasp it.

As much as I adore my dc with all my heart they really do pull the wire at times. I now ha e a stroppy 20 yr old as I've told him gf to stay only three nights a week. The bloody cheek.
There was never actually a conversation about if she could stay apart from the first two week he would message and ask if ok on the odd night which was fine by us but it suddenly escalated to every night and they aren't quiet or considerate to the younger ones.
So now his nose has been put out of joint he's not talking to me much and stripping around when he is here. He's gone to work now and has informed he he won't be home tonight.
I'm hoping he eventually gets it about us needing space as well as them and that actually they shut themselves in his room and don't get disturbed where as we are constantly disturbed whether we are downstairs or in bed.
I did point that out yesterday to them and also reminded him he has no idea how much it costs to run a home. The electric gas and food shopping has gone through the roof in the last six weeks but they have no idea do they.

They will learn but in the mean time my foot is firmly down now and staying there.
My house my rules.

Also just an idea but change the password on the WiFi and tell them until they do their jobs and tidy their mess it won't be going back on and walk away.

That tends to work well here.
Let them have a wobble about it and go on strike.
Tell them to prepare and make their own meals for a week and to organise and do their own washing ironing for a week and see how they get on.
They will certainly appreciate how much your doing the.

How old are your girls?

thanks for the thread OP.

I'll come back when I can type. The lump in my throat is making it hard to breathe

Just got in from work to find dd gone to boyfriends and her dirty (full of food) plates shoved in the side!
I had hidden money for her and only told her where it was when she called me at work to tell me she had done tasks!
I just text her to ask why she thought it was my job to clear her shit away!
She will be back tomorrow. Any ideas for a response!

Oh bless you gustof.

Shove the plates inside her bed, see how she likes that. Actions speak louder than words. Any other tasks she failed to do but should have done, similar treatment - I once found all sorts of mess in my living room some of which involved a dustpan and brush to sweep it up - I just deposited the lot in her bed. I mean, she'd left it on the sofa and the floor so it wasn't much difference.

I feel your pain, op. You are not alone! 💐