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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

On the verge of kicking her out eldest DD16

631 replies

Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 09:30

She hits her siblings and really hurts them aged 12 and 6. My son when he was interviewed by the court over custody thing drew my eldest dd in the sad house.

I kind of feel these incidents are happening more frequently with exam pressure. I'm on my own with 4 of them. In a three Bed house. It's pretty much like living in a pressure cooker

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 12:10

I don't discipline her tbh, that's probably been the issue she has got away with it

OP posts:
Letmehaveausername · 22/06/2016 12:11

"I don't love her"

The most damaging words any parent could ever speak.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 12:12

Well it's true unfortunately. Never started out that way, never dreamt this would be where we are but I don't.

OP posts:
wibblewobble8 · 22/06/2016 12:12

At 16 you can leave home, get married, have children, join the army, have sex etc. Thats pretty much adult imo.

Op does you dd think your threats to throw her out are empty?

I sent my ds (who was then 15) to live with my mum on a temporary basis after his behaviour almost broke up my relationship and he treated his disabled brother like something he'd stepped in. My ds is somewhat spoiled, and it was a shock going to live with my dm who is by no means rich so he didnt have the same standard of living so to speak and his eyes were opened. He came back after 4 days and although it was not an overnight change over the last 6 months he has improved immeasurably. (And despite what MN would have you believe, teens can be fucking arseholes and grind you down to breaking point without it being any fault of the parent). Of course if your dd has ASD then this wont work i wouldnt think. But that doesnt mean that you and the rest of your children should have to either put up with her violent behaviour or leave their homes.

Owllady · 22/06/2016 12:14

Ring social services whilst you are still angry and make an appointment for her at your GP too
Ss have lots of support available if you just ring them.
If you moan about it and do nothing, nothing will change

I think it'd asking your GP for a referral to the well being service for yourself as it sounds like you could do with some counselling yourself

Greenyogagirl · 22/06/2016 12:15

You've kind of made a rod for your own back there then.
She is technically an adult but her future is bleak if you kick her out.
It will be incredibly difficult for you to regain the power in your relationship as any discipline will be met with violence I assume.
I do believe you need outside help. Even if it ends up her living on her own or in a hostel you need to involve people to help support her (when I was 16 as you are classed as an adult you went to a hostel not into care)
Personally I think you need to really sit down and talk to her, probably with a mediator and try to overcome everything to start to build up a respectful relationship on both sides.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 12:19

I swore I would always give my kids a home no matter how old, married with kids of their own no matter what .... I just can't handle her

OP posts:
Incognitoname · 22/06/2016 12:19

First, please ignore posts calling you a bad mother from people who clearly have not been in your situation. I have been in similar and it is hell. (Liz Keen seems to regard it as always mothers fault possibly due to some back story of her own circumstances which I feel sorry for but she shouldn't assume that is always the case)

Second, you need some source of help for your daughter.
Don't think GP would help (in our area classed as adult when 16 so would have to seek treatment herself).
Social services might be worth a call, help available would depend on area.
School may be worth a call - they may be aware of programmes for troubled teens, may know what would happen if you threw her out. Etc. Again what is available would depend on the area.
There should be a programme that operates up until age 18 or 19 that offers an advice line and interventions (can't remember name of it, will post if I find out) they can offer counselling, family therapy, liaise with camhs/mental health etc. Is meant to be done government initiative, but again, is done differently/called different things depending on area
Wouldn't recommend moving younger kids out. It isn't their fault and you don't want them to think you're pushing them away.
If you can't find help quickly, calling police might be best. Awful I know but I heard on radio a while back a case where mother had done that when DD was being violent to her and it got DD onto an intervention programme that turned her life and her relationship with her mum around. So don't feel bad if that is what you do.

Sorry that was long, hope some of it useful.

bigbuttons · 22/06/2016 12:21

let and liz your comments are more disgusting than anything you have caused the OP of. Shame on the pair of you.

Greenyogagirl · 22/06/2016 12:21

Giving her a home and letting her abuse your other children is not better than her living in a hostel or being under social services surely?

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/06/2016 12:25

What does the school say about her?

OP, I really think you should try social services again. Emphasise that she has seriously assaulted your 12 year old and you don't think any of the younger children are safe with her in the house. They may be able to put her in specialist foster care. I agree you should ask your GP for an urgent CAMHS referral.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/06/2016 12:25

So you've explained all her faults and how they've come about (being spoiled by her parents and never being disciplined - your words).

You've been given advice and have said why none of the suggestions will work.

So what are your plans now, OP?

ImperialBlether · 22/06/2016 12:26

Liz, you are making things much worse. It would be better if you left the thread.

OP, I think you should go to your GP now and also speak to the police. You have to protect the younger children. It's clear to anyone that your daughter needs help and that the whole family needs help, too.

Incognitoname · 22/06/2016 12:29

Re my earlier post, in my area was called Multi Agency Support Team. Provides support for family crisis etc. May be called different in your area so might be worth calling reception at your local council if you can't find local contact details online.

paxillin · 22/06/2016 12:30

Isn't there a danger social services might take the younger children into care since they are the ones who aren't safe where they live?

nilbyname · 22/06/2016 12:36

liz stop it now. It's unhelpful kicking someone when they are already did down.

op you're in crisis, that's clear.

Call GP get an appointment with them one for you and one for your dad
Call SS and have a really good rant at them tell them what's going on
School- what's she like there? Can her head of year help you?
CAHMS-has she seen anyone?

My advice-
You have to engage with the outside is support and fight tooth and nail for it.
Ask your ex to have your younger 2, give you some space to deal with your DD.
Call the police when an assault happens, every time.
Gut her room and leave her with the essentials. Put a lock on the bathroom, and on yours.

Flowers
SuburbanRhonda · 22/06/2016 12:37

pax

Until the OP actually speaks with someone she can't know what's likely to happen.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/06/2016 12:38

gut her room?

Why?

Incognitoname · 22/06/2016 12:41

Op, you are doing your best, so sorry for what you're going through. You have said some negative things about your daughter that others have criticised. They don't understand that you are saying these things from a pit of absolute despair because of the conflict that comes from one person you love hurting another person you love. I've been there. Don't feel bad you are doing your best and are making difficult decisions.

MrsMarsch · 22/06/2016 12:42

Contact social services and have her put on a voluntary care order. The situation is untenable for all involved

nilbyname · 22/06/2016 12:43

sub op said her room
Was a disaster zone, so I mean gut it, clean it too to bottom, leave her essentials- clothes, grooming stuff, books study stuff. Have a clean and clear blank slate and start fresh. I didn't mean remove all her stuff. Although I would enforce a no electronic devices in the room past 10pm

GigiB · 22/06/2016 12:45

You have somewhere safe for your other children to go, so send them there for a few weeks, then show your daughter some love and affection and get some support.

To be honest, I understand her anger. You don't sound like you are giving her any maternal love or affection. She's probably angry with you for not loving her. She's 16, so you can say to her that sending the other children away is both of your chances to try and talk and get on, but you only have 1 month to do it. Once the month is up, if it doesn't work you need to find another solution.

notapizzaeater · 22/06/2016 12:47

Phone SS and tell them you are worried for your younger children's safety - they should start helping you.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 12:48

I have completely disengaged with her the last few months. And she refuses to go and she her step dad so she's in her own little bubble of fucked up weirdness game of thrones on loop all that dhit. We have mental illness in the family which scares me

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 22/06/2016 12:48

And then you have 3 young children that are being kicked and abused by their older sister,being sent away. And the mum actually keeps the child that has been hurting them,making their lives unbearable and now got them removed from the house. How do you think they will feel?

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